Thirty Tips to Build a Strong Marriage
By David Sunshine
Tips 21 - 30
21. Be Forgiving
When you’re upset with your spouse, be forgiving. Realize that we all have flaws, and that each of us makes mistakes occasionally. It’s part of being human.
Think of all the mistakes you’ve made in the past. Since you can forgive yourself for all of those misdeeds, it’s only fair that you be able to forgive others for theirs as well.
Realize that when you forgive your partner, you’re not saying that what he or she did was okay. You’re saying that you choose not to let it get in the way of your relation-ship.
A wise man once said, “Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness.” Love by itself just won’t cut the ice.
22. Minimize Criticisms
Minimize the number of times you criticize your spouse. Marriage researchers Clifford Notarius, Ph.D., and Howard Markman, Ph.D., say one put-down can “undo hours of kindness you give to your partner.”
So look the other way as much as you can. If you feel your mate’s behavior is only slightly wrong or will probably not recur in the future, ignore it. You’ll save yourself many needless quarrels.
It’s been said that the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one often consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid. Keep that in mind the next time you want to criticize your spouse.
Definitely keep quiet if you think your partner knows he or she did something wrong. For example, if your wife breaks a dish or your husband has a fender-bender, it’s not necessary to say, “Be more careful next time.” Your mate realizes that already.
23. Correct at the Right Times
If you feel that you must criticize your partner, make sure you’re calm before you begin speaking. When you’re upset your words may come out too sharply.
Similarly, don’t rebuke your spouse at a time when he or she is under stress. Your rebuke will probably not be heeded at that time anyway, and you may provoke a major battle. Have patience and wait for the right time.
24. Forget “Always” and “Never”
When your mate does something wrong, don’t exaggerate the offense. For example, if your husband often leaves a mess in the kitchen, don’t tell yourself, “He always leaves a mess for me to clean up!” If your wife is frequently late, don’t say to your-self, “She is never on time!” Thinking in exaggerated terms is a bad habit. Not only does it make you more angry, it’s probably also untrue. It’s unlikely that someone always leaves messes or is never on time.
So don’t let yourself think this way. Replace words such as “always” and “never” with words like “often” or “sometimes.” You will feel much less angry inside.
25. Don’t Give Up
Realize that even in the best marriages couples sometimes have conflicts. The “happily ever after” ending so commonly found in our films, theater and literature is not true. A realistic portrayal of a good, happy marriage is one in which two people sometimes argue but are able to work out their differences peacefully.
So if you and your spouse are not getting along well, don’t give up. Try to work on your relationship.
Guidelines for Arguing
26. Stay in the Present
Don’t raise past misdeeds to score points. It’s not fair to throw back at a person an old incident, something that occurred months or even years ago. If you do, your partner is likely to resent you for it, and you’ll create much ill will. Instead, stick to the issue at hand.
27. Watch Your Behaviour
Monitor your behavior when you argue. Don’t get violent or use sharp language. You can never go back in time and undo what you say or do, so be careful. Realize that a few moments of physical roughness or harsh words can seriously damage your rela-tionship.
Keeping yourself calm will help you control your behaviour. One easy way to do so is to take a few slow, deep breaths every few minutes.
If you find that you still can’t control your words, be silent until you’re more relaxed.
28. Take Time-Outs
Be sure to stop a destructive exchange of words. When your partner gets beyond the point of being civil and rational, or when you see yourself beginning to act in a de-structive manner, put an end to the discussion. Say something like, “Let’s continue this conversation later.”
But if it’s an important topic, don’t just drop it. Be sure to raise the subject again at a time when you’re both more relaxed.
If you wait until you’ve calmed down, you’ll be surprised at how much easier it is to work out your disagreement.
29. Keep Up Your Responsibilities
No matter how angry you are with your spouse, don’t stop doing what you’re ex-pected to do. If you’re the one who cooks the meals, continue making those meals. If every Sunday you give your partner two hundred dollars spending money for the week, continue doing so. Don’t change your behavior—it will make your fights much worse. Make a rule in advance with your mate that the two of you will continue your responsibilities no matter how angry you are with each other. And if your spouse refuses to keep such a rule, at least you keep it. When your partner sees you doing so, he or she will eventually follow suit.
30. Seek Outside Help
If disagreements with your spouse are interfering with the harmony of your marriage, don’t be afraid to seek outside help. Couples therapy has greatly improved many marriages, and is certainly worth trying. Just make sure to find a therapist who’s been trained in counselling couples.