Making Fights Work for Your Relationship
By Kate
'Fight-iquette'
It helps to have some basic ground rules.
Stick to the subject. It doesn’t help to bring out all the simmering resentments and un-forgiven wrongs that you have been storing up. Wise advice is to deal with each of these on a daily basis. Never go to bed angry, without saying sorry or forgiving. Then you’ll never have anything more than a day old to drag into any conflicts.
Don’t call each other names or be abusive. There’s little more likely to escalate a row than insulting each other. It doesn’t actually solve any problems and usually makes your partner defensive and unwilling to listen. Drawing attention to your partner’s weaknesses in a derogatory way pushes him/her away. The point of an argument should be to come to a mutual agreement. If you’re out to hurt each other, you need some space again to calm down and examine what you really want from your relationship. Try to avoid sweeping generalisations like: “You always….”, “You never…..” be truthful and realistic.
Try to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. In that way you can share your opinions and feelings and take responsibility for them, instead of blaming your partner for everything. In the end you can only really speak for yourself, not guess at what your partner’s motives are. Sharing how you feel rather than what you think helps your partner to understand you better. Feelings (emotions) are sign of who you are and the unique way you react to life. If your partner shares his/her feelings try to “stand in their shoes” and understand them. Feelings in themselves hold no moral quality. It is how we act on them that may be judged right or wrong. Also we cannot blame our partner for our feelings. Their actions may be wrong, but we feel the way we do because of who we are.
Remember to listen. An argument should be two sided. Give your partner the courtesy of listening to their point of view and feelings. Don’t interrupt. Let them have their say. Don’t assume you know what they are going to say. Don’t switch off. You can try feeding back carefully what you think you’re hearing - that helps your partner believe he/she has been heard. Some folks like to use a card or a cushion, which they hand back and forth to each other. The one holding the card/cushion has “the floor” for a few minutes to say their piece, then it’s the other’s turn
Your face and body language can communicate as much as your words, so be aware that your partner will be reading them as much as hearing your words.
Try to stay close to each other, even holding hands! Look at each other. This helps you to remember your relationship and how special you each are to each other. It also helps to remind you that the purpose of the fight is not for one of you to win, but for you to find a way forward TOGETHER.
Try not to run away, even if you want to cry, or feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. It’s important to finish the fight, even when it’s painful. Don’t ever run off, without letting your partner know where you are going.