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   Home  > Articles

You're Not The Man/Woman I Married - section two, "Communication in Marriage". Part 10:

By Norman & Ann Bales Of All About Families

What it takes to successfully navigate marital changes.

  1. A Sense of Commitment. Through word and deed we say to each other, "I'm not going anywhere. We're going to be together for a very long time. We took each other for better or worse. You're stuck with me. It can either be a smooth ride or a rough ride. I like the smooth ride better. How about you?" Commitment means more than just sticking with one another through thick and thin. It means working through repeated disappointments. It means getting up when you've been knocked down and starting over. It means a lot of saying "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" and meaning it.

  2. Cultivating Oneness while respecting individual differences. It is true that we become "one flesh" in the marriage bond (Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31). But we do not stop being individuals when we marry. We are individually accountable to God. (Ezekiel 18:20; 2 Corinthians 5:10). Personality development and spiritual growth take place on an individual basis. In recent years marriage ceremonies have often featured the unity candle. Two candles are placed on each side of a larger candle. Both smaller candles are lit, while the larger candle remains unlit. The bride and groom jointly light the larger candle in the center and blow out their candles which represent their individuality. We believe this symbolism is all wrong. We would suggest that the bride and groom should light the larger candle together and leave the smaller candles burning in recognition of the fact that while they work toward oneness of purpose, they continue to function as individuals. They must learn to walk together, seek the same goals and support one another in every way possible, but they never lose their personhood.

  3. They must live Christ centered lives. The Bible teaches mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21), but that is possible only when we have reverence for Christ. It is our reverence for Christ that provides us the motivation to practice self-denial (Matthew 16:24). It is our love for Christ, which enables us to overcome gut-wrenching crises. (Romans 8:35-37). "As we consider what we have been through and the maturity we have gained, we feel a sharper awareness of the Lord's participation in our lives and a firmer confidence that we will continue to journey into blessing, no matter what the hazards along the way" (Esau. p. 136.)

In Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch cites the writings of Hugh and Gail Prather:
"Did I pick the right person? This question inverts the starting and ending points. We do not pick our perfect match because we ourselves are not perfect. The universe hands us a flawless diamond -in the rough. Only if we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that cannot join do we end up with a soul mate."

CONCLUSION

Few men in modern history have suffered more embarrassment than Richard Nixon. He left the presidency in disgrace, but he did not go away. He did not live a hermit's existence. He wrote books, gave interviews and even advised presidents. Upon leaving the White House, he read the following poem to his staff.

I am knocked down, but not slain
So I'll lie here and bleed awhile,
And rise to fight again.

That's not a bad philosophy for married folks.

For the next article in the series click here

For the previous article in the series click here

Introduction


In this article
- Introduction
- What it takes to successfully navigate marital changes.

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- You're Not The Man/Woman I Married - section one, "Communication in Marriage". Part 10
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- The Games People Play, "Communication in Marriage". Part 9

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