National Marriage Week Conference 2003
By Liz Percival
Press launch
The press launch took place at about 11am and was introduced by Richard Kane.
The first to speak was Rabbi Jonathan Sachs who drew attention to the fact that we were carrying out an experiment in our society, which had never been tried before, to the untold misery of many. While children in other nations go without basic necessities our children have more materially than they have ever had - but their spiritual and psychological needs are being neglected.
Using the example of the Jewish Sabbath, when families put everything aside to be together, he urged the need for families simply to spend time together.
Children are growing up today with multiple insecurities. What is most needed is for each of us to know that we matter to someone, that someone will be there for us.
Harry Benson followed with a clear exposition of the situation facing the nation. The first bit of bad news is the damage to adults and children through divorce, rates of which have risen and recently plateau-ed: the second is the loss of the benefits to adults and children that marriage brings as the marriage rate continues to fall.
If we know what causes breakdown than we can tailor education to build strong marriages. It’s not about marrying the right person, or compatibility or counselling. It’s about good communication, listening, being able to argue without hurting each other, living with our differences, resolving conflict, spending time with each other. If marriage is only a piece of paper then the evidence is that it’s a pretty powerful piece of paper!
Val Gilfillan, Superintendent Registrar for Taunton and Patron of Time for Families, spoke of how registrars are uniquely placed to provide access to information and local courses to prepare for marriage. More and more clergy and registrars are working together offering couples choices in how they wish to prepare for and celebrate the start of their marriage.
She drew attention to the fact that for the first time in Bath this week there would be the signing by church leaders and registrars of a Community Marriage Policy in Bath followed soon by one in Swindon. Now they can work together to share and develop resources.
Dr David Olsen, President of Life Innovations, who offer the Prepare/Enrich programme, spoke of how the situation in the US with marriage and divorce was worse than in the UK. He reported on the ways in which couples are being encouraged to take up options for marriage preparation.
Some 6 or 7 states are rewarding couples with rebates on their licence fee for undergoing a programme. In Minnesota this has pushed the uptake from 20% nationally to 40%. Community Marriage Policies have also increased uptake rates. President Bush is pro-marriage. There are plans to eliminate the marriage tax penalty and US$300 million in grants will soon be available for programmes preparing those in poorer communities for marriage.
Professor Richard Whitfield spoke again, using the example of Prince Charles and Princess Diana, to illustrate the effect that our psychological antecedents had on our ability to build strong relationships. He also spoke of the impact of two world wars and the effect of absent fathers and bereavement on previous generations. In order to break into cycles of deprivation that can be set up through family life a good education is needed. The foundation of marriage is in the early years. It is believed that less than half of our children now feel securely attached to anyone by the age of three. Experiencing unconditional love at this early stage is important. Good outcomes are related to parents who have a good healthy relationship. The rearing of our children is the foundation for the next generations relationships. The young need a voice, even as governments disdain tiny infant voices. We have the opportunity to head off avoidable pain by appropriate action now.
Rev Joel Edwards head of the Evangelical Alliance brought the press launch to a conclusion with a passionate speech about the perspective that Christianity brings to marriage. He acknowledged that in speaking Christians would often find themselves at variance with others because they come from a different ideological position. They believe God invented marriage, that it was about leaving and cleaving, but it is more than a movement of a man from one woman, his mother, to another, his wife. It is not a private affair, but a community event. In Adam and Eve’s case they were given a mission – to care for the planet. Marriage needs a mission. We need to re-position marriage from being the sanctification of a romance to something more significant. People need to know that it is hard work, it’s not just about being madly “in love”.
The church needs to pool its resources and values in order to enrich all relationships. It can nurture worshipping communities where reliable love can be found, and where couples can be sent out into society as mission centres. It needs to recover its own marriages, and then use them to enrich the communities in which they find ourselves.
