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   Home  > Articles

Learning to Trust Again

By Kate

Learning to trust again - forgiveness

There are several steps towards learning to trust again. It usually helps to acknowledge your own feelings and the reality of the hurt. The first step forward is forgiveness, choosing not to hold what has happened against your partner, choosing to give up your desire to get revenge and make them pay for what they have done.

The second step is to begin the rebuilding process, with both of you choosing to live in honesty and openness with each other. This will involve some adjustment to the picture you have of life and some adjustment to your behaviour. It may also involve accepting the differences in character and values between you. If you are still trying to change each other, then it will be hard to be open.

Finally you will need to allow the time that is necessary to adjust to what has happened, to allow the new approach to life to bed down and become part of your lives together.

The last thing you may want to do when you have been badly hurt is to forgive your partner. Why should you, especially if there are few signs of remorse or changed behaviour? There are many reasons not least that there is no real way forward unless you do. It's about your own emotional health too. If you don't forgive then the hurt will just fester and bitterness will soon set in. Unless you give up your right to revenge and holding the hurt against your loved one, there will be little hope of healing or moving forward. Forgiveness is not the same as trust, but like rebuilding trust, forgiveness can also be a process which takes time and repeated decisions not to go backwards again.

It's worth considering what goes on in the guilty party when they are "found out". Often they will feel very uncomfortable and find it difficult to face up to the pain they have caused. There may be a sense of guilt. Often people react defensively trying to deflect the criticism, by turning it into an attack or bringing up past mistakes against them. They may try to justify their actions in some way both to themselves and to you. They may be desperately distressed by what has happened and think they've blown it.

The signals may be very confusing and the person who's hurt may not be in the best place to see through the confusion to what is really happening. Perhaps it's worth considering how you would want to be treated if you were the one who had strayed.

A moments temptation succumbed to can be as quickly regretted. If your spouse is genuinely sorry, then it may be easier to forgive and put things behind you. On the other hand, there may be no sign at all of remorse. Weakness may mean they are struggling to stop letting you down. At such times it may be really hard to forgive, but if you don't forgive, then you may never be able to take the step of learning to trust again. The will to move forward together will be all but lost.

Unlike the vicious circle of distrust you can build a virtuous circle based on openness and honesty. You can begin by trying to be honest about what has happened and accept responsibility for where you find yourselves. If you understand what trust means to each other, then you can begin to negotiate a way forward. Words and promises may not be enough. It may be necessary to ask, "What would help you trust me again?" It may seem an obvious question, but assumptions can be dangerous. Whatever you decide to do, do it together. If overspending is the issue, for example, agree to sit down once a month to go through the bills and bank statements together. That way you are mutually accountable for what is happening. But agree that no other action is necessary and the innocent party needs to keep to their side of the bargain and not check up behind the other's back.

Openness, honesty and trust build a virtuous circle. When both are committed to live openly with no secrets, then trust can be built. We can live by the maxim, if my partner knew and would be hurt by this, then I won't do it.

When things go wrong.

A way forward


In this article
- What is Trust?
- When things go wrong.
- Learning to trust again - forgiveness
- A way forward
- It takes time!

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