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-   -   I don't love my wife and never have... (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=2124)

Raymond 25th October 2013 07:58 PM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
I know a few older people in our churches where they had happy marriages but their wife died. About three couples come to mind. All of them are married again and are happy again. It doesn't mean they did not appreciate their first wives. Far from it. They all found local wives, felt attracted and married. I think it is more flexible than it is made out to be in films and songs etc.

chosen 25th October 2013 10:06 PM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 76861)
I know a few older people in our churches where they had happy marriages but their wife died. About three couples come to mind. All of them are married again and are happy again. It doesn't mean they did not appreciate their first wives. Far from it. They all found local wives, felt attracted and married. I think it is more flexible than it is made out to be in films and songs etc.

Yes I too know people who actually married again very soon after their spouses died, which always mystified me as they met their new spouses within a few months of the death!!! I will never understand how anyone can recover that quickly from loosing a spouse.
I get what you are saying though, that there isnt just one person who is right for us, but that we can be happy with more than one person if we loose our first spouse.

Roses 26th October 2013 10:10 AM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 76861)
I think it is more flexible than it is made out to be in films and songs etc.

That's nice, Raymond :)

ronnoco 27th October 2013 10:29 AM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Some really good posts lately on this thread....

Sunny - a suggestion for you. We have 4 occasions coming up soon. Halloween, Bonfire Night, Christmas & New Year.

How about you say to yourself that from now until the end of the year, you're not going to think about whether you can be happy with your wife. Give yourself a break from all of that and just focus fully on these 4 events for you and your family.

These are great times for a family to get together and have such fun - I'm sure you normally do have fun but this year, make it the best ever!

For Halloween, decorate the house, get costumes, do party food, trick or treating. For Bonfire, do a home firework display, do more party food, maybe even a BBQ, invite friends and family, take lots of photos, get them printed out big and up on the walls, enjoy these great occasions! - this family stuff is what life is all about!

Make this Christmas the best ever. Suprise your wife with something special. Plan everything, make it the best ever for everyone! Take as much time of work as you can to spend with your family, have days out, plan, plan, plan!

You're never going to convince yourself that your wife is the one for you because that's something you shouldn't have to do. But, I wonder if just maybe giving yourself a break from all the emotional strain may help. Be tough with yourself. When a thought comes into your head, don't let it bother you. Tough times don't last, tough people do.

Will it help you? - I don't know? - it might not, but either way, you, your wife and your family will enjoy these wonderful occasions and you'll be making memories that you, your wife and children wont forgot and that's a great thing to do.

I also have to say that Sunny, I do admire you....my wife's head was turned and she was gone. The fact that you've stayed with her this long and that you put her feelings and the feelings of your children before you is something you should be very proud of. So many go without a real fight, no fight in my case. You've been battling for 20 years and your still here. Regardless of what happens down the line, you are a good person with morals and integrity and you can hold your head high....don't ever forgot that.

chosen 27th October 2013 04:35 PM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
ronocco, yes I agree with you. Many today would have had that affair and
maybe even ended that marriage and hurt so many. Apparently half of all married people, cheat on their partners at some point in their marriage, and that is tragic. Selfishness is rampant these days.

1aokgal 28th October 2013 01:33 AM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Dear R...

Great post to concentrate on all the occasions that one can choose to make these times happy for others. There seemed to be a lot of obsessing on the "what ifs" rather than to live the best today and make today happy. I rather think in my life this way, "What if I had only 30 days to live and there was no more, how would I live it?"

This is play acting in a serious note to visualize how one should cherish what is here today. Life is uncertain, and every day we see lives lost in accidents or illness, so It seems to value what we have today is very important. This time of year we go into the holiday mode and family is everything. The memories we make at this wonderful time of the year are precious. This is the best chance to make some wonderful times for our families and rebuild relationships.

chosen 29th October 2013 09:08 AM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Why not just love her in the way that you are able to, even if that is at this time just as a good friend, and stop trying to make yourself 'feel' that 'right' sort of love? The only thing you have to compare the way you love your wife, is the way you thought you felt for that OW. That wasnt real love, that was living in a fantasy of what you think love should be, who knows if that would have lasted once you got to know her in real life day to day and not just at work(when people are not usually themselves).

I am sure there are many married couples who love their spouses in varying degrees and in varying ways, but who aren't always seeking that maybe unreal all consuming passionate type love that you see in films and in books.

I believe that you work in the film industry, and films are responsible for a lot of discontentment between men and women I feel, with such unrealistic portrayals of what 'real' love is supposed to be. Then you look at the lives of those same actors and actresses, and see their multiple marriages, adulteries and relationship problems, and you see that their roles in the films are purely make believe.

Honestly, a large part of a good marriage is being very good friends and companions.

Roses 29th October 2013 11:45 AM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sunny (Post 76868)
Roses, it's not freedom I want. I love being with my kids. They give me endless entertainment and fun. And it's not lust or excitement... It's love. I just want to feel what it's like to share that with someone- at any stage. Hopefully soon this will click for me with my wife.

Hi

I do appreciate what you mean.

I never said you wanted lust or excitement. You were very clear from the beginning. I didn't get that impression.

I only mentioned "fantasy" because in reality, you have good enough marriage with beautiful kids and wife who love you. Whatever you feel missing in your life, it stays in your fantasy as you aren't a single man with no ties. That's what I meant.

Personally, you are very unusual. You are obviously selfless for your children and your wife. You are obviously an outstanding man with moral integrity. Who can fault with that?

Have you read earlier posts made by others who had a similar situation as you have over this thread? You know that you wouldn't need any approval from other people knowing how emotionally intelligent you really are? Whatever you do, good luck with you. I'm sure you will do the right thing. Your children will grow up fast and you will be left with your wife alone, to work things out on your own anyway....;)

Raymond 29th October 2013 12:53 PM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Raymond and Chosen, the discontentment is a terrible strain. It is, as you said, a tragedy and a lie I've lived. At least until now I've spared everyone around me the grief.

I've tried at every impasse to move on and feel the "right" thing, but the wrong feelings keep coming back without my doing! It's involuntary. The voluntary part is pushing these feelings aside and/or trying to process them. To answer your question about why can't I love the one who loves me... only God knows! All I can come up with is that my heart has always nagged me I don't, but I know it would be right and good so I continue to try-- a constant battle between my heart and mind. Feelings are feelings and they apparently don't care one iota what my rational mind says.



I agree with Chosen. We cannot work up the right feelings only do right actions. The right feelings will follow if we deal with the wrong feelings.


Our feelings are servants, not masters. If we are completely subject only to our feelings then watch out. Our feelings can be liars and go against our better interests. They can also be good and energise us to do good things. We have to make choices here. We do have control.


Raymond 30th October 2013 08:48 AM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
You are obviously going through a battle over this Sunny which I hope you will win. You have a kind of double mindedness there. I don't just want you to do the right thing I want you to find happiness in it which I believe you can.

As an aside I always thought the heart was different to our feelings. Sometimes in my heart I will want to do the right thing but sometimes feelings can jeopardize that if I let them. I think the heart is important. Proverbs says keep your heart for from out of it flow the issues of life. So we do have a choice in keeping our heart right.

I think when you win that battle and find commitment in your heart, not just in your head, you will have found something very precious.

chosen 30th October 2013 10:50 PM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Thanks sunny. I hope and pray that things will carry on improving for you both.

LibraLady 13th November 2013 05:32 PM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Well, while I respect everyones opinions. I would never suggest that a person stay married if there truly were no love there. If the wife has to chase the man down in order for the relationship to go anywhere, then trust me, she kNOWS the husband doesnt really love her, but the blinders are on just so she can be "married".

And I feel like men need to grown some and be honest with themselves and the woman if they dont have that loving feeling instead of dancing around the mulberry bush, leading on a LIE. How can you say you dont love your WIFE and never have? Thats crazy, she should not be your WIFE then.

Dead-Soul 27th November 2013 02:17 PM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by squeeky (Post 38541)
Hi Goodnall, Yes, I'm still married too. I know exactly what you're talking about-- I would do anything for my kids and I would even give up my own life as you have expressed.

As you know these are very complicated feelings with many different layers and with varying degrees of ambiguity and doubt that ebb and flow with the vicissitudes of life.

I have had to ask myself, do I NOT love my wife or is there some other area of my life that I do not love? Think about that for awhile......... What is it that has called into question your love of your wife? Is it because you work with someone who is better looking, more sophisticated or otherwise more desirable for you at the stage of life that you're in right now? Or do you picture yourself with someone who more perfectly embodies the spouse you want? Is it because you haven't achieved something you think you could have otherwise have achieved had you not married your wife? Are you not doing something that you think you would be doing if you were not married. Think about this for awhile.

When I contemplate this, I am forced to admit that I am attracted to the notion of finding someone more attractive. That isn't to say that my wife isn't attractive but you probably know what I mean. For me, I want someone I can grow old with and be proud of and always be attracted to--someone with whom I have more in common and someone who I can be passionately and romantically in love with.

It is easy to assume that I could meet and love someone with infinitely better qualities than my wife--that's the nature of a fantasy. This is where I have to stop and remind myself that I made a commitment to my wife and my kids and that the reality of the matter is that what I have imagined as the ideal spouse probably doesn't exist. I need to make things work.

When I look for faults I can find them. When I don't, I am less likely to find them. I am more likely to think about her faults or to think that I am unhappy when doubt about my love creeps in. This tends to happen after an argument or after I see someone that I think I would like to be with. Sure, I wish I had made a different decision but couldn't that be said of any decision when you think that a different decision "could" have brought you more of what you desire at this moment in time?

Here is an analogy. If you had an opportunity to buy a lottery ticket but didn't, would you be upset? Your answer is probably, "Depends on whether the ticket would have won or not", right? This would require clairvoyance or some other way to see into the future. Unfortunately we don't have that luxury-- we have to make decisions and see what the outcome is with no way of undoing our decisions. Does it bother you that you may have won the lottery but didn't buy the ticket?-- I am asking assuming you aren't a chronic gambler ;) You have to play the game in order to know. But I can't help to think (using the lottery analogy) that maybe if I had played a different number or bought another ticket that I may have won (e.g, maybe I could have married a different person or maybe I can find a better person).

In the end I have had to admit and I'm trying to believe that I made the right decision and that any other decision could have resulted in the same feelings of doubt. I am trying to turn these feelings of doubt inward for some introspection. I'm trying to answer questions like, what makes me unhappy? Can I change it? What is the price I would have to pay to change it? Am I certain that I can change it? And I keep coming back to the answer that I simply can't justify leaving my wife for some notion of romantic love or passion that may or may not be achieved.

So for me, the answer has been to stay and to try and work at it. I wish I could say that I am happy all the time but I can't. I wish I could say that my mind doesn't consider alternatives but I can't. I wish I could say that I have been able to put it out of my mind that a more perfect spouse exists for me but I can't. But what I can do is to stay positive, reduce arguments and hold on hoping for a more perfect future.

Best of luck!

Thanks for this squeaky. I know there is no real solution to our problem (what you've described is precisely what I have been going through for the last 7 years) but I hope things have worked out for you.

Would love to hear from you again.

Best wishes.

Raymond 27th November 2013 08:17 PM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
I think his conclusion was good. Double mindedness would make the marriage very unstable. Commitment, acceptance and loving actively are so important. There is honour in that both ways. Wives can have this problem as well. Personally I have nailed my colours to the mast and have resolved to love and cherish my wife until death do us part. Why? Because I married her and she has given her life and body to me. I want to make her really glad that she married me. That is the secret to a happy marriage I think. I am not perfect and neither is she but we love each other. She may be developing a few wrinkles but so am I. Loving commitment will overcome all hurdles and the rewards are great.

Roses 4th December 2013 07:45 PM

Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 77181)
Loving commitment will overcome all hurdles and the rewards are great.

Lovely words, Raymond and how so true that is. :)


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