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-   -   Unhappily married to wrong person (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=3440)

Karene 30th November 2006 01:10 AM

Unhappily married to wrong person
I married 4 years ago, but have been unhappy with my husband for about 3 years. I put my unhappiness down to pregnancy hormones, as I have since had 2 children, but the unhappiness, frustration and dissatisfaction has only increased. We are both Christians, which somehow makes it harder. We believe marriage should be for life, but the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone I can hardly stand the sight of, has driven me to drinking rather more heavily than I ought. The heartache of not knowing what to do for the best has caused me months of despair. My husband is not abusive. He has his faults, but so do I. I feel unhappy with him because we are too different in personality. I married him because I was scared of being left 'on the shelf' as I approached 40, but I believe I have married someone unsuitable. I thought I loved him when I married him, but now I most certainly do not.
The upshot is I asked him to move out of the marital home after 3 1/2 years of marriage, and we officially separated. We had been to The Marriage Course at a local church, which highlighted where the problem areas were, but it didn't help much. I came in for some criticism from people in the church, who felt that I ought to stay with my husband and that I ought to love him with Christian love if I couldn't love him naturally. Their criticism, though well-intentioned, only made me feel even more guilty. Someone suggested that I wasn't considering my children's feelings, but I felt that it was better for them not to live in a stressful and unhappy environment.
Since the separation, I have moved with my children to another part of the country. However, I feel that I am not coping on my own, and the children are still in a stressful environment because of that. I have considered asking my husband to move back in for their sakes, but I know that I would not be any happier, and in fact I would feel 'taken over' by his presence in the house again. I don't know what to do for the best. The thought of spending the rest of my life living with him makes me feel wretched. Marriage is not supposed to be a prison, but how often it becomes a prison.

Liz 1st December 2006 03:09 PM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
Dear Karene,

Marriage isn't supposed to be a prison and it doesn't have to be one either. Most couples go through a stage of disillusionment when the reality breaks through the positive emotions we have when we court. None of us are perfect and many of us find that the way our spouse is can grate and make life difficult. Feelings of love can disappear and we lose hope. It is easy to assume we have made a mistake.

I speak from experience as David and I are very different. He is the creative visionary who likes to start new projects, but finds it hard to finish them. He likes to leave situations open to see how they develop, while I like to make decisions and have things sorted out. New projects frighten me and I can become anxious, but I am the finisher. He see the big picture, I worry about the details. We once did a couple profile and it recommended that we seek counselling, but over the years we have worked through the effects of our differences and we make a good team. Our beliefs and values are compatible, even though there may be some small differences between us.

There have been times when our differences in personality could have shipwrecked our marriage, but we managed to work through them, partly with the help of Marriage Encounter which is similar but not the same as the Marriage Course. Marriage Encounter helps couples to share their feelings with each other in a safe way and through this to experience how special and valued they are to each other. The comfort and hope this brings and the tools it gives for every day life enable us to take the rough with the smooth times. It also taught us that marriage is not about whether our partner is best for us but about whether we can be the best we can for them. That is challenging – to take responsibility for being the most loving wife or husband we can be.

There must have been more that attracted you to your husband than just fear of being left on the shelf. You felt positively towards him at some point and that can be recovered. If you identified some of the issues on the Marriage Course did you work on those or did you just decide the differences were insurmountable?

There is hope for you and your husband to make your marriage work and be happy, but it requires both of you to decide to do it. That might be to provide a stable loving home for your children, but it might also be because you believe that there is hope for the two of you. Feelings are not good things to use to guide important decisions. We need to get deeper to our values (such as commitment and hope in God's grace).

Your children are bound to be feeling upset. You and your husband have torn their lives apart when they need the security of two loving parents living with them and loving each other. That may sound harsh, but that security is what they need. It doesn’t mean you have to live a life without stress or argument. They also need to see that when things go wrong people can work through their differences. They learn so much from their parents and the way they relate to each other.

You may be feeling uncomfortable or angry at my words. You may be feeling guilty as you read them. Guilt usually means that our behaviour is not living up to the standards that we set ourselves. In God's eyes every sin is forgivable and Jesus died to take our guilt and condemnation away, but he didn't take away the conviction we experience when we do things that hurt others. He does give us the grace to face difficulties and to put things right when we can.

Going back to your husband can either be a prison sentence if you don't face the issues between you or it could be a wonderful opportunity for you all to make a fresh start.

Have you considered finding someone to look after the children and taking some time with your husband to consider the possibility of a future together. Can you find it in your heart to accept that a friendship between you might develop into a closeness and commitment and love for the future?

Do come back in response and we keen explore things further if you would like to.

all the best


Karene 3rd December 2006 02:21 PM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
Thank you, Liz. I am giving your advice some thought.

Raymond 22nd December 2006 10:10 AM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
I got married when I was 39 because a girl in the church fell in love with me. I didn't experience that sort of love initially but sensed this would be my last chance to marry and did.

We were like chalk and cheese although we had some things in common. One she even hit me with her fists and wouldn't allow me to sleep if she was restless. Funny enough the sexual relationship was good which helped.

Having come through that initial peroid I learned to love her starting with "Love your enemies" and then "Husbands love your wives as christ loved the Church".

I realise now that we gradually smoothed out each others faults, not that we are perfect. I love her very much now and believe that God put us together and things only get better as we become more one complimenting each other with our different strenghts.

Soulful 7th February 2007 04:54 AM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
It seems like you (several of you) are marrying for the wrong reasons. Marrying someone (anyone) just so you won't be unmarried is a recipe for disaster. Some of these bad decisions can't easily be fixed.

It is unfortunate that you did not have the confidence to hold out until a match came along. Now that children are involved the situation is much worse.

I hope it works out.


WifeNKansas 7th February 2007 05:21 PM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
I have to admit, I did marry young and quickly but I have very high hopes because of the fact that we are different!!! The differences make the marriage more interesting...c'mon think about this, would you really want to be in a marriage where you ALWAYS get along?? I know it sounds perfect, but it's never going to happen so you gotta suck it up and get used to that! The differences in my husband and I is what makes us such a match! He makes up for what I lack in as do I for him. Like the older folks will say, "Marriage is Hard". It's definetly not a walk in the park! You get out of it ONLY what you put into it. If you don't want to be married, you won't be for long...everything comes out sooner or later. "IF" you really love your husband and children, you will MAKE it happen! You will put up with all the bull that marriage brings and make it work, you will come out flying! I know I don't have much experience in the marriage field (only 2 1/2 years) but I think I know how it works from seeing all the failed marriages throughout my life. Basically, NO marriage is perfect. It just depends on how badly you want it.

Raymond 8th February 2007 08:50 PM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
I have been married 23 yrs and think you are right Kansas even if you have only been married two and half years. It's not all down to experience. Sometimes the young can have more wisdom than the old. I have had to work hard at my marriage at times. I lacked the initial in love feeling, but my wife had that and it has turned out to be enough. Also I was an orphan which had it's own problems. I had never shared real love. The main thing is commitment and honouring the vows before God. That is what gets you through and enriches one's marriage.

As I mentioned on another thread I had to rely on scriptures like love your enemies at times, not that DW was my enemy, but that is what it felt like from my warped point of view at times. I don't think you can marry the wrong person if you do it in faith, whatever it seems like afterwards. I knew my wife was a girl of good character and there was a chemical attraction on my side and an in love feeling on hers, that was enough as it turns out.

Karene 7th May 2007 10:51 AM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
Thanks everyone for your comments. My husband and I are still separated, though he comes to see the children as often as he can. I am still considering having him back, not because I love or miss him, but because I am finding it hard to manage on my own.
Raymond - other Christians advised me that I need to learn to love him 'as Christ loved the Church' and 'love your enemies' etc, and I felt that was very unrealistic and impossible for me to do, especially with all the other problems I have. I am glad that you have found the strength to be able to do that.
When my husband is here I realise that I have no sexual attraction to him and can't bear him to touch me (although I do allow him sex - I feel I owe him payment for his help in the garden etc). I don't love him, I don't fancy him, I don't particularly like him, I find him irritating... I could go on. I still find it impossible to believe that I could ever be happy with him.

Married for Life 7th May 2007 11:19 PM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
Hi Karene,

All marriages have difficult periods, please don't give up. I have many friends who have found love in their relationships even after the most difficult and loveless periods. Yes it is not easy and won't be fixed overnight but if both you and your husband want to make the relationship work then you are more than halfway there. Also being Christians you know that God is there to help you through the process and that He want your marriage to work also. If you want support from other Christians through this process the organisation I work with (www.2equal1.com) have a 14 week long course called Married for Life. During this time the group leaders will draw alongside you, pray with you and mentor you as well as teaching you principals and tools to help you in your marriage.

1aokgal 15th June 2007 08:05 AM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
Dear Karene......

It seems you married for the wrong reasons. He was in the wrong place in the right minute for you. You say you like nothing about him and even find him irritating. It is irritating if someone tries really hard to please you and you are totally turned off.

There is token sex you say. It sounds like a charity act in exchange for help in the garden or what he does for you. He visits the children and tries to help you and gets the "hand out" of your sex favor.
You consider to let him move back in as it is hard to make it without him. You NEED him.

Seems to me it is all about YOU on every point. You must have come from a very sad childhood to be so flat in emotion? That poor guy is breaking butt to do for you and the kids. Don't waste more years of his life just to provide for you as he will get nothing except to be hurt. Someday he may turn on you and beat your head into the wall. When somebody uses and uses there can be a rage a man can feel.

I see a ZERO chance for this marriage to work so long as the bottle is your companion and you exchange sex for favors.
You must have hated him a lot to disrespect him to that degree. You must have hated yourself even more. You have my sincere sympathy that you have lost yourself so far from what you should be.

I think the problems are not about HIM but about YOU. You drink... and drink a lot evidently. That is not about him. One who drinks often came from a home where alcohol was a problem. I urge you to get help for this with an AA group or some counselling help. It is expensive to drink
so if you buy a bottle that is taking away from your family for something better.
Let me tell you......... NOTHING will make a woman look like an old HAG more than drinking! It destroys your looks and your life. You owe it to your children to get some help so you can give them a chance. Then how about finding your own talents and abilities. Do you work or plan to get some training to care for your family? Don't expect him to carry you.... as a man can smarten up pretty fast. I think you would not make a good relationship with any man until you can heal yourself. You are programmed for failure until you do the work to change.

You are on the road to unhappiness and destruction. I urge you to wake up and take responsibility for your actions. Clean it up.
No one really wants to be around a boozer as they will only go downhill. You are no kid so you understand that you are going down a steep slope. Don't end up a bitter alcoholic who blames everyone else for personal choices. Do reach out for help and see if you can turn things around. I have faith you can make a better life in time.

Maybe one day you will see things from a different light. Sounds like your husband loves his children and sadly......loves you too.

YOU don't love you. Why? What happened to you? Maybe you can find that answer in the past.

Raymond 15th June 2007 08:29 PM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
Hi Karene I noticed that your post was addressed to me but I somehow missed it and have only just seen it. I am sorry about that.

The scriptures that says husbands love your wives as christ loved the church and gave Himself for it etc. are addressed to husbands actually not wives, so whoever quoted that to you was a bit off beam.

I do not know your history or why you are seperated so it is hard for me to comment. Are you both christians or is it just you?


Raymond 15th June 2007 09:10 PM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
Hi Karene I am guilty again in not reading your older posts, I thought because it was so long ago it was history, but I realise it is relevant.

Karene, did you have a good upbringing in the sense that you were loved by both parents? I feel that there may be something in you past that is affecting your present. Of course you should be honouring the vows you made before God, but also you may need added help somewhere.

You are very blessed that your husband still loves you Karene although you cannot see that at the moment. God has never said we had to like anybody only love them. There is a difference. As we practice love it will lead also to liking, believe me on that.

Receiving your husband back, (I can feel you cringe) will be the first step in loving him and honouring God. I believe you have a fantastic future there at your finger tips, if you did the right thing. I feel that if you loved your husband (I didn't say like) something will die inside of you which needs to die. I believe out of that will come something beautiful. God will certainly help you to do this.

I have no doubts at all that your place is with him. I think you are running from something you need to face. Others may come on here and tell you differently but that doesn't change the truth of it.

I pray that God will give you the strength to do the right thing and that it's not too late.


1aokgal 16th June 2007 01:05 AM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person

Did you marry someone of another race? I noticed you used the wording...he was unsuitable for you. What standard would you use to find someone "suitable?"

I wonder if you think others would judge that he was not suitable for you.
He has been kind to help you. Give him kindness in return but not charity when you don't feel that way. Sex without love as an exchange commodity must make you feel awful and sad. You must feel very angry at him as well. I hope you find this church helps you feel better about yourself.

clockwork orange 9th October 2007 10:44 AM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
Hi there

Not sure if my story will help here but if you can take something of value from it then praise God.

I left my husband shortly before our 9th anniversary. We are both Christians and from a fairly similar background. However, I was subjected to severe emotional blackmail by him over a period of years which eventually left me numb and unable to continue. Everything about him irritated and/or disgusted me. At this point I met someone (still a close friend) who made me realise that there was more to life and marriage than what I had. After much soul searching I left. I hasten to add that I did NOT enter into a relationship with this other person - didn't want anyone at all.

After a few weeks (we were living in the same house as we couldn't afford not to) he came and asked to talk to me. It was immediately evident that something had happened and I felt strongly that I should listen. Turned out he had been going to our local church and had sought counselling for some long standing issues he had. The change in him was nothing short of a miracle. We agreed to give our marriage another try, but that we had to take it slowly. Not to say there weren't other issues also, or that I had played no part in things going wrong (more about that another time). But when we both gave it over to God and allowed Him to work in each of our lives then He drew us closer together again. I did cross the line with my friend after this, but the grace of God is such that my husband forgave me instantly when I told him what I had done.

We have since moved to another house, and renewed our marriage vows with a firm commitment to always put God at the head. 18 months on we still have issues with ourselves and each other - but we have learned to communicate better, to focus on God and to support each other.

So all I can say is - give God a chance. A marriage breaking up is NOT what He wants, although sometimes its unavoidable. But give Him the chance - to work in each of you and in both of you together.

Sdd044 17th April 2019 07:38 PM

Re: Unhappily married to wrong person
How did this work out for you? I am in the same situation. Married for 5 years.

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