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-   -   Limbo No More (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=6725)

UpandDown 10th April 2010 10:20 PM

Limbo No More
 
Hi everyone

Just got back from dinner out with H. Throughout the day it has been clear he has been coping worse and worse and he could hardly speak on his way to the restaurant. I had prepared myself for the worst.

In the car he told me the Relate counsellor had told him last Thursday that they probably won't be able to help us because we are coming from different places. i.e. H doesn't want to save the relationship and I do.

For all those of you who were jealous of me having a H willing to give counselling a go, don't be. I actually have a more gutless partner than you because he couldn't admit from the off that he didn't want to do it.

When I found out he didn't want to use the counselling to save the marriage (night before our assessment) I was upset but I believed this was due to him thinking the relationship would never work, he wasn't in love with me, we are incompatable etc. and I thought counselling might show him different.

Anyway, with Relate not really being an option tonight became about ending our relationship. I went determined to keep him on track thinking about the main issue (i.e. that he packed more and more of himself away to be in this relationship) and I kept bringing him back to it.

He said he still didn't know why he did it at first but he thinks he carried on doing it to avoid confronting the feeling that we were incompatable. Much as my Mum did the other day he is completely re-writing history there. I also brought up about all the other times over the last ten years that he had had similar issues with other people/groups/his bosses but he says he sees all of those incidents differently now - again re-writing history.

Much as with my Mum, I realised very early on in the conversation I couldn't mount much of a response as he was just denying everything.

I realise this is it now for our relationship. I feel so incredibly sad right now for me and for the boys. I feel like an idiot that I've let this go on so long and that I had children with this man.

I don't even have the hope that he will realise his mistake in the future as I now see he will always avoid looking into himself and his past for answers. He'll probably stay away from strong people in the future. I imagine his next girlfriend to be mousy and probably less intelligent than him.....is that bitchy?

I made sure he understood and repeated back to me that I would do anything to save our marriage and also that he understood that we would not be remaining friends as I don't think's appropriate when I am still in love with him. (I also think what he has done is disgusting and I don't want to be friends with someone like him....but I didn't say that.)

I can't do anymore. I do plan on sending him a letter repeating everything from today so that I will feel I have tried everything - and he can't deny a letter. But I know it won't do any good.

Right now I wish him ill but I know it's just because I'm so upset. Anyone got any advice???!

Love Kathryn
x

dazed and confused 11th April 2010 02:57 AM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Oh Kathryn I'm so so sorry to hear that.I'm so mad at your H for going to Relate but had no intenion of working it out.Don't feel like an idiot for loving someone .He's the idiot!
I don't know how men can rip out our hearts and then think we can be friends with them.
I wish I could give you some advice,but as you know my head is on the chopping block next.
The only thing I can do is be there for you whenever you need it.I wish you lived closer I'd be there in 2 seconds giving you the biggest hug right now.

All My Love Val

mdmquincy 11th April 2010 03:12 AM

Re: Limbo No More
 
We are in the same place, Kathryn. And, I hate to tell you, but it is still limbo. I'm not sure if we are not going to have to get used to the relationships staying in limbo forever. Unless of course we do something to become mortal enemies. I have plenty who offer support with deceptive practices, but I am trying not to burn my bridges too early. I am also trying to be the better person. It is difficult.

By the by, I also had the can't be friends talk with my husband today.... I expect more from my friends, and from my husband for that matter.

Sorry sacks of ****. Too afraid to look into the mirror.
Let's show 'em, Kathryn. Let's find a way to live well and see that it wasn't us that was making them miserable. It was them. Or, let 'em take it out on the next woman. We can greet her here at the forum when her time comes.

We are fabulous, strong, commited. They are not. They are weak and self-serving.

J

taz 11th April 2010 09:56 AM

Re: Limbo No More
 
****. Really sorry to hear that.

I have to agree though, it is still limbo. You're still gonna see him often because of the kids. I'm in exactly the same position, and I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing.

Think carefully about sending the letter, too. I'm not even sure that the one I sent was opened and read, never mind understood and acted on. And that in itself is killing me. I followed it up with an email, too, but I think even that has been ignored.

Maybe she has read them and can't respond out of guilt, or because she doesn't know what to say, or because she's sitting at home every night in floods of tears, or something like that. Or like I said, maybe it went straight in the bin. Is she feeling really crap, or is she now having the time of her life?

I really have no clue.

That's the limbo part - and I suspect you're going to feel that, too. Prepare yourself.

But, take heart in the fact that you've put 110% into this - he hasn't - and be proud of yourself.

And keep moving.

B

UpandDown 11th April 2010 11:00 AM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Thanks everyone. Today feels like sh*t. He's taken the boys out to the shops and I said I would clean the bathroom but to be honest I can't. I hate being here with the boys and him. Everytime the boys cry or are naughty it makes me feel like it's a reflection of my inner turmoil and I feel guilty, although it's probably just normal toddler behaviour. I also hate seeing H act all normal with them. I know what you mean about it still being limbo but at least it won't be limbo in my face.

I know I will always wonder if he'll change his mind, but knowing him he won't and if he does he won't admit it. Also, it will take at least a year so either way I have to move on. I'm really hoping that the weekend after next when he has moved him and the boys into Helen's house, I will feel better. At least I can do what I want to do at the weekends (apart from daytime Sat when I work of course!)

I'm not planning on looking for a relationship or anything, but it will be nice not to live with his opressive personality. And we will have to have contact with the boys but he thinks he'll be coming here to help me do things but that's not going to happen. If this is my house he won't be welcome inside. Not in a horrible way, but I have to have some boundaries.

I will see him at 5.30pm on a Friday when he picks the boys up but I will make sure they are all packed up ready to go so he won't be coming in. I will then see him at 6 ish on a Sunday when he drops them off. I'm going to get a notebook we can write in like we have with the childminder and I plan on telling him what's happening with the boys not discussing anything except big things obviously.

With the bankruptcy and our general financial position being poor, we will have to have meetings about that but we will go out and do that or I'll meet him at Helen's.

You probably think i'm very naive saying all this, but I have to protect myself now. I feel totally betrayed and I also feel like I have put up with so much cr*p over the years and this is how he repays me. He let things get so bad he has fallen out of love with me. I never allowed that to happen although there were times I considered leaving my marriage was more important.

I have got the book "I love you but i'm not in love with you" so am planning on reading that, but won't be able to fix anything of course. I think that's the problem with this situation, if only one person wants to work on stuff, what can you do? In his case, he truly believes he has done everything he can......

I feel so sad that I allowed myself to get in so deep with him when I knew he had issues over self-esteem and communicating his needs/problems. When we had only been together a few months he broke it off with me - I heartily wish I had let him go then.

Although the boys are wonderful, so I don't regret having them. It's a little overwhelming being responsible for a 15 month old and a 2 1/2 year old. When we're alone without him though, I do feel happy so I'm hoping once I get through this hideous bit, I will be able to focus on loving them.

Thanks for letting me vent - I have no idea if this post makes the slightest bit of sense. The good thing is though it's made me realise I have to get out of here today. I'm going over to a friends house.

Love Kathryn
x

taz 11th April 2010 01:47 PM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Not got much time as I've got friends coming over for dinner.

Just a quick thought on you feeling overwhelmed at having to look after two young kids. Don't be. I was in the same position 3.5 years ago (my wife move out and left me with a 1yo and a 4yo, remember) and the thought of it being just me and the two of them taking on the world by ourselves made me crap myself over and over and over.

I got through it, though. And I'm a hapless bloke. If I can do it, anyone can. :)

Thing is, you've got no alternative but to do it. So you will. The important thing is to make sure you look after yourself first... do that and you won't have a problem with your kiddos.

B

LT83 12th April 2010 12:47 AM

Re: Limbo No More
 
I know this is no consolation Katherine, but there's a lot of people who have been where you are.

You feel betrayed, let down, like you put yourself out there for someone and they left you hanging as they say.

I can't advise you on what to do with your husband but I can tell you something that took me a long time to learn. Be good to yourself and learn to love yourself first! Love yourself to care about your happiness, love yourself to care about your health and your body love yourself to put your future and that of your children first.

You seem like the type of person that wears the heart on their sleeve and has a lot of love to give and you are so intent on giving that love. But before you continue to give this valuable emotion away to where it is not appreciated as yourself, is it deserved? Has anything your H done shown you that he has earnt your love? In my case I was so wrapped up in trying to save a marriage where my wife had left me that I forgot to ask myself whether she deserved my love and care in the first place or whether she had been the wife I had hoped for and she vowed she would be. The answer for me was no, she didnt deserve it and she didnt earn it.

The love you have in your heart is more valuable than any gold or diamonds, its something no one can buy. So give it to those that respect it, give it to those that earn it and give it to those you give it to you.

Eventually he will realise that you were the strong one all these years and he will regret his mistakes. It may be one week or one year, it may be ten years but the truth is your life is much too valuable to waste waiting for someone to realise the error of their ways.

Its been almost a year and a half since my wife and I separated and whilst I am moving forward with my life at an incredible speed and fulfilling all the things I sacrificed for her and I've had a lot of interest from other people, her life by her own account is still a mess. I wish no harm on anyone but God's justice is fair in every sense of the word

Good luck and love yourself!

LT

dazed and confused 12th April 2010 01:05 AM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Hi Kathrym\n

Just checking in to see how your doing and to let you know I'm thinking of you.I read what LT83 said and he is soooo right.Do any of our H's deserve our love??I think not!I know it's hard but we all need to look after our selves why let them win.They don't care how they hurt us .My mum used to say I lived in a fairy tale world looking for my prince charming.I'm still looking,but I'm sure he's out there and yours is to.

All My Love Val

luce 12th April 2010 01:25 AM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Just popped in to let you know i am thinking of you Kathryn. Hugs.

UpandDown 12th April 2010 06:51 AM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Thanks everyone. I didn't sleep very well at all last night. Sleep was something I hadn't had a problem with before the last three nights but now I seem to have big issues!! Tomorrow I have two days holiday on my own at one of my best friend's house then at the weekend I have two days holiday at my other best friend's house so I'm hoping that will sort me out. When I get back it's back to work that week (although I conly work Thursdays and Saturdays) so it will be easier once we're back in the routine of pre-school etc. There's so many practicalities to sort out that my brain is boggling! I'm going to give myself until half term but by then at the latest is when I'll stop seeing H because all the practicalities will be sorted (I hope)

I do have some questions though. 1) Will I be a single mother? and 2) When do you say on here ex-H? Is it when you seperate or when you divorce?

I feel like I'm just trying to adjust all the time. One good thing happened yesterday, I realised I really want to stay in the house. With the bankruptcy I don't know whether we'll be able to, but I need to find out and fight for the house. We pay so little in rent and mortgage there (it's part share) that I would only be able to get a poky little flat for the same money. Our current house has a huge garden which we did a lot of work in and is brilliant for the boys.

Thanks for letting me waffle on - helps me process it all!

LT83 - thanks for your advice, am definitely planning on following it!

Love Kathryn
x

luce 12th April 2010 09:56 AM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Hi Kathryn,
The sleep thing takes a while to sort out.

I am not really sure what the whole thing of being a single mother means really. But i would say that in terms of claiming any benefits or credits you would be classified as such. As for saying ex-H that is down to you honey.

Letting go is a process. I still tend to refer to my X as my husband quite a lot - i try to pull myself up now when i do this because it doesnt help my internal letting go process if i refer to him as 'my husband'. But i certainly couldnt have done so at the stage where you are at. It was too raw for me. I still NEEDED to refer to him as my husband for me. It helped me express my pain better somehow. It is only very recently that i have been referring to him as my X and then not always. Somedays my letting go process is coming along better than others. I dont know if that makes any kind of sense?

How you feeling today sweetness?

Wiggle 12th April 2010 10:53 AM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Hi Kathryn,

That was downright cruel, dangling the hope of Relate like that in front of you and waiting 'till the session to admit he wasn't committed to the process. You are not an idiot for wanting to try and make it work - he's an idiot and coward for walking away from his family.

Glad you've come to a decision about the house. I'm finding having future plans does help distract me.

I waver with my ex, depending on my mood- if I feel hopeful he is my ex-ish person, if I'm feeling angry and hacked off he is my ex. I don't think I can call him anything else unless he commits totally to trying to sort this out and we try and 'date' or something. Husband / boyfriend implies somebody who is loyal, committed and loves one - and I don't think any of those words are applicable to him at the moment...

Helen_uk 12th April 2010 01:08 PM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Hi Kathryn.

At least now you have a starting point for your own recovery , it's soooooooo difficult but try to look at this as a beginning rather than an ending. Agreeing to counselling and then telling you he had no intention of working on things was a cruel act so from this day on put yourself and your beautiful kids first. You no longer have to consider his needs , he's foregone the right to expect that.

Sleep is a difficult one, took me quite a while to conquer the wide awake at bedtime syndrome but hopefully your 2 little ones will tire you out enough that eventually sleep will come. I'm sure they'll help by keeping you busy !

You have put everything you have into saving this marriage. So no beating yourself up , he's the idiot for letting it slip away. It's all about you and the kids now honey.Be kind to yourself.

xx

As for calling him ex.. that will come without you even realizing it so no pressure at all to use the term until you feel you can.

UpandDown 12th April 2010 08:01 PM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Thanks Hazel, Helen and Luce. I am seeing this as a new beginning. I have had a much better day today (managing not to cry all over the place for a start!) and I even went shopping to buy some things for the boys to have at H's new place (bedding and towels etc.) Having the practicalities to focus on has really helped.

I had a group of Mummy friends over this afternoon and they were asking me about it and I was able to talk about it without feeling completely overwhelmed by sadness. I'm sure I will have many more low days and many okay days but I think my worst days are behind me now. I imagine it will be hard when he moves his stuff out but I am looking forward to not having to see him, it is sooo much easier. Like today I saw him this morning but not this evening so that's been great.

Today I introduced the idea of "Daddy's House". I think James (the 2 year old) will grasp that very easily as we already have lots of different houses that we go to and he'll just accept it. The 1 year old won't know any different. My next hurdle is a meeting with H either Wed or Thurs night when we are going over the practicalities. I am hoping to have some idea on the finance front then too......I've started making a list of everything I need to get covered - things like if I'm ill he'll need to look after the boys etc. I probably won't be ill much though as I won't have him around.

I can't believe I am splitting up with my H! I'm sure we all feel like this, but it has never ever been on the cards. We've always been a devoted couple (him perhaps too devoted.)

I still don't know where I stand on the writing a letter thing. If people can bear it I might post again later with what's gone on with him over the last ten years personally I mean so you can see where i'm coming from.....but totally understand it might be too long and boring to read!

Love Kathryn
x

sean1234 12th April 2010 10:25 PM

Re: Limbo No More
 
Hi kathryn. I think you are so brave. We have both tried to save our marriages abd i think in the end we can be proud if that. Seeing so much of your ex must be so tough i admire your strength. I see my ex and i fall to peices probably because i dont see her that often. Mines a very sticky situation at the moment. If your ex does not live with you you are entitled to all the benefits. Also if you have any debt problems go to citizens advice they will help you no end. A little update on my situation today itexted my brother having a bit of a go. He texted back that hes staying well out of it and he said it would have been nice if id wished my nephew happy birthday. I got my dates mixed up and thought it was today. It was saturday and my sons is wednesday. I had brought my nephews present 2 weeks ago. I just got in my car and posted it through his door. He cant seem to understand i have alot on my mind and with her turning up on friday night just messed my whole weekend up. Anyway i just dont feel welcome at my brothers anymore. Funny im the one who stayed yet im not supposed to be hurting and of course its so easy to forgive and forget. Problem is its not. I like you will never be friends with my ex. She tried to destroy me. Im just going to try and hold my head up high and kive without the lot of them. I have my boys and my friends. I hope you start sleeping better and if you dont try nytol from the chemist they are quite good and dont leave you feeling like s.. T in the morning like the ones the doctor gives you. Il be thinking about you sean x


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