Having affair
 

Hi
Joined this site just now as I have no-one to talk to about this and really just need to get things off my chest and know that someone will at least read it.
Background, I have been with my partner 10 years and have two children aged 1 and 4. And I know this a cliche but my children are everything to me and I would do anything for them, although I know people will doubt this once they read my story. We own our own house and car, joint accounts etc. We are both mid/ late 30s.
My partner is beautiful and a wonderful mother/ housekeeper, I really can't fault her in any way and I do love her, but now I am seriously doubting whether I am still in love with her.
Plus the physical side of our relationship has never been really great and this is a big thing for me. I am the only man she has ever slept with and her first and only boyfriend. I know I should have said something earlier in our relationship but I just got caught up in the whirlwind of her being taken in by my family and me by hers and before I knew it we had bought a house and planning children. I think now I saw her as a friend rather than a lover. Marriage had never been a big issue for either of us.
I on the other hand had slept with many women before I met her and loved and needed sex. We used to have it maybe once/ twice a week in the early days but over the last few years this really did dry up. We have tried talking about it. I have tried to introduce things like sexy lingerie etc which I really like on a woman, but she is not interested and thinks I'm perverted. Sex has always been a 'get it over with' type of thing with her and she says herself she's not a 'sex' person.
We then decided to have children and I had been with her that long I felt how could I deny her? But I admit once she fell pregnant I was as excited as anything.
Since our first child was born the sex stopped almost completely, which I accepted as she was a new mother. Then it only started again when we decided that we wanted to have another child. At first I wasn't sure about having another child, but I let my sense of how could I deny my partner another child and my 1st child a sibling take over. Trying for our second child, the sex really was just a reproductive act, barely any kissing or affection. I am as much to blame for this as her as in the end I wasn’t really trying to make it anything special, as I had in a way given up on having any sort of exciting sexual relationship with her.
Anyway our second child was born 12 months ago and we have not had any intimacy with each other in all that time, or the 9 months previous to the birth. Again I had just sort of accepted this was how my life was going to be, but then it happened.
I work in a nighttime job and met a woman (I’ll call her X) and we slept together that night and it was amazing. She had been in an unhappy relationship and within a week of me meeting her she had finished with her boyfriend.
To cut a long story short we have now been seeing each other regularly for nearly 6 months. We have an amazing sex life, something I thought I would never feel again with anyone. We go on out of town dates so she can be affectionate with me in public and me with her and also have nights in in her flat. It just feels incredible and electric when I’m with her, like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I am freelance/ self employed and it’s easy to have an excuse for seeing her when my partner thinks I’m working.
Plus we have fallen in love with each other and told each other that although we both knew we had. Yet I have always told X that I can’t leave my children. X understood things at first, but things have become so intense that now she feels she cannot wait for me and although she loves me, she wants more and needs to move on and just wishes it was with me. She tells me it kills her that we have no real future. Of course I can’t blame her for this at all and I feel the same. I stress she is not asking me to leave my family, but now just feels as though we should end what we have as it can't go anywhere long term. Plus it is not just sex with her; we have created a genuine emotional bond with each other over time. Plus the thought of her going into the arms of someone else makes me feel sick.
This has now hit me hard and although I can’t bear the thought of leaving my family I also cannot bear the thought of not being with X either. After experiencing what I have with X the thought of going back to an affectionless relationship fills me with dread. I would always want to be there for my children when they wake up etc, but know this wouldn’t be possible if I chose the other option. I’ve been trawling the net looking at relationship advice forums and stuff and advice on how children are affected by parents splitting up. Plus my partner would be shattered and it would really affect our extended family as well.
I have been completely emotionally and physically drained recently living what is in effect a double life. (I’m not looking for sympathy though and know I won’t get it). And today I’ve hit a low point after seeing X last night. I haven’t slept or eaten today and have been crying, asking myself what have I become.
Again I’m not looking for sympathy, just needed to get this all out and let someone say something to me, shout at me, whatever.
Thanks for reading

Re: Having affair
 

Hi rk1,

I get the feeling that you know that what you've done was the wrong way to solve your problems. Instead of solving things, you've made them more complicated. I won't shout at you because I've been in a similar situation (maybe not as deep as yours) and think that I can understand why you started an affair. But the bottom line is that you need to end the affair now. I'm not going to tell you you're not in love since I could never know, but what I do know is that when we're in marriages like the one you describe it's very easy to think you've met your next soulmate. It's disconcerting when we realize that is not the case.

Before you start having relationships, you need to square things with your wife. Counseling, either individually or as a couple is a first stop.

As for the sex, have you ever seen "Everything you wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask"? The story about the frigid Italian wife? If not, to sum up, the husband thinks the wife is frigid, then discovers by accident that she heats up when they have sex in public (it's comedy...). The point is that in that story the husband (played by Woody Allen, incidentally) discovers that his wife has sexual preferences that even she wasn't aware of. Perhaps your efforts with lingerie aren't what she's looking for. Instead of trying to turn her on with what turns you on, you need to think about it the other way around... There is also sex therapy, which isn't as seedy as it sounds.

Re: Having affair
 

Hello!

I'm not going to judge you, either - what's happened is understandable and fairly commonplace.

I think you and your girlfriend both know the only way to limit the damage to all concerned. I'm sorry for the pain this will cause you both.

As it happens, I don't believe affairs are always wrong. In your case, there are 3 big reasons why yours is wrong for you now:

1. You and your wife have a good relationship.
2. You have two very small children.
3. Your wife is sexually inexperienced.

This last one is what LL picked up on ... How can I put this sensitively? As your wife has only experienced the one lover (you), she doesn't yet know whether she has untapped depths of sexuality - and neither do you, yet! Although you're more experienced - and more sexually comfortable - than she is, it's still pretty likely that none of your other partners shared her exact physical & emotional makeup.

As she couldn't know what her sexual preferences are, she couldn't tell you. And, as each woman is different, you couldn't magically know for her!

Basically, RK, you seem to have a good marriage with one bit missing. It seems as if you might still find the missing part, with a different approach. It's a pity we can't successfully divide our needs between various partners but, as you know all too well, people aren't made that way. I think you need to put all your love and affection back into your marriage, at least until you've gone some way further towards fixing it.

Sexual incompatibility does give rise to stress & awkwardness, so I feel LL's suggestion of a sex therapist for the two of you is the right one. You may have to visit a couple of them before you find one both you and your wife trust. But it's worth it :)

My very best wishes. Good luck!
AG

Re: Having affair
 

I feel LL is right. (I feel affairs can never be right but AG knows I feel that.)

If it is only the sex then the best thing, as LL says, is to explore this avenue and find out what switches your wife on. I know that's not always easy as some women don't speak about it openly and you have to make a mental note fast when there are clues. But if that is the only problem I am sure that with imagination and time you will get there. Adultery will not help here and probably produce the opposite affect in your marriage.

I don't think anyone here is going to say leave your wife and go with this woman. How good is she sleeping with someone elses husband? I feel the longer you hold on to this woman the longer will be the road back to your wife. Ask yourself what's best for your wife and children and the answer will be obvious.

Perhaps the affair can work for good if you confess to your wife and point out the sexual reasons why it happened. That doesn't justify you but it may show your wife that this sex thing is more important than she thinks.

Raymond

Re: Having affair
 

I know I'm really new on this forum and that I'm completely raw with what's going on in my own marriage, but your post just made me so angry and sad that I'm sitting here sobbing for the wife you betrayed and are leading on. I ache for her and what you're about to put her and your kids through. PLEASE stop leading her on and just TELL her!

Why can't people just be honest with each other?!?!?!?!?!

Re: Having affair
 

Many thanks for all the replies, they really are appreciated.
What I have realised through them is I need to talk to someone in person about this before making any decisions. I think I am admitting to myself I need help.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Should I go to my doctor etc?
Many thanks again

Re: Having affair
 

How can a doctor help because they are a doctor RK1?. You are not ill physically.

I think it is a moral decision personally. You may find someone in a professional position to agree with you but that doesn't make it right.

I was thinking after I posted the other day that lust is wanting what is not yours (adultery) but lust for ones wife is not lust because she is your wife.

Raymond