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-   -   I don't want to get a divorce (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=7054)

leilag 22nd December 2010 11:48 PM

I don't want to get a divorce
This is all new to me.

The only place to start is at the beginning. My husband asked me for a divorce a month before our 13th anniversary and I don't really understand why.

I am married to a Muslim and I converted. I know I am not an angle and admitted to my husband I occasionally drank. With my job it is kinda hard not too. my husband does not like the fact that I occasionally take pictures with people and I embrace them in the pictures. Yet, he forgets we meet in a bar and I am a modern women.

I love him dearly and don't think this is a big deal. Another factor is that for the past 2 years we have lived in 2 different cites because of my choice to follow my career. I know I am not perfect and sometimes I have to travel for business with colleagues he might not deem appropriate.
So I lie and do not tell him I am in town on business.

To make things worse while living separately I had a flatmate whom in the end turned against me and told my husband I cheated on him. I would n never do this. Anyone who knows me knows I am devoted to him and talk about him all the time.

I need advice.

We had a lovely weekend together, then he went back to work and another country. He has spoken to the ex flat mat; got on facebook saw pictures of me and exploded. He demanded a divorce that was a month a go. He came to see me, gave back his ring and left a suitcase of my things from our apartment together.

We have spoke once he still yelling and screaming to leave him alone. We are Muslim and he is not even handling it in a respectful Muslim manner. He said he was going to file for divorce, but I have yet to received any papers or spoken to each other calmly.

He will not talk to me at all. I do not know what is going through his head. All he is doing now is become friends on face book.

I do not want to throw 13 years away with someone I love. He will not even talk to me. I never meant to hurt him at all, he says he is tired of me. His friend told me to move on.

Is this thing worth saving? Am I living in a dream. Will giving him space change anything?

The stupid thing is his is still my friend on facebook? Should I de-friend him, seeing him talk to other women is killing me. If I de-friend him is it really over? Should :( I just move on? but I love him.


Forever 23rd December 2010 06:04 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce

No, please do not de-friend him on Facebook. That will look to him like what he is believing about you may be true. If anything, use facebook as a tool to tell him that you understand how he must be feeling, and that you will wait for him to be ready to talk. He is absolutely ticked off at you, but you need to give him time to cool without pushing him for conversation.

When you get the opportunity, that is, after he has initiated conversation, would you be willing to tell him that you will be willing to give up your career entirely? That may be the only thing that would give him a sense of relief given your life styles, and given the working enviroment that you have.

If not, then he may elect to continue to believe the worst, and there is nothing you can do to prove to him otherwise. Your flatmate did the ultimate damage, but your working enviroment and living arrangements apart from him left room for so many things to go on in his head. He has a standard for how a wife should act. You are not helping him trust you and be at peace with you when you choose to live contrary to what he believes is proper for a woman/wife.

If he, NOT YOU, files for divorce, then you will have to accept that he has made up his mind. He feels disgraced and this is his solution.

Hope that helps.

leilag 24th December 2010 01:03 AM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
Wow thank you so much. I did not de friend him after all.
I spoke to my ex-room mates brother who is also my husbands best friend. Surprisingly the brother is on my side and feels he has to forgive me. He knows me and says I am a good women. He is the only friend of both of us the is willing to get involved and talk to him man to man.

It finally made me fee better. He said he will talk to him cause today people give up to much. I know we will have to talk, for now I will let him friend women of FB. I don't care. I am a fighter. For now I just have to be patient and let the powers that be take over.

Your message just helped me to confirm it.

Thank you for you support.

Forever 24th December 2010 01:45 AM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
This is good news. I am happy that you have someone that is willing to speak on your behalf.

You must be very careful to show your husband respect for his wishes. Learn, and do what is important to him. Put your marriage first, not your career. You must earn back his trust and affection because he sees some of the things you do as a modern woman to be threatening to him. Be a good wife and make the necessary adjustments in your life. Learn to sacrifice for love.

leilag 24th December 2010 01:19 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
My only fear is that he will not let is pride go. He is very hard headed and many times his pride gets in the way.

His other friend told me to move on and forget about it because he is tired of it.

My problem is do I still give it hope or just move on with my life? It is xams and I am alone. I don't have any family and my good friends are far way.

People say I should not call him or reach out. Either way I cannot call him because he changed his mobile number and disconnected the land line. Yet he continues to be my friend on FB and become friends with women from his past.

I don't know how long I can take it. He can be so mean and vengeful.

I want to call him, find him , what should i do?


leilag 24th December 2010 02:57 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
he told his entire family

Forever 24th December 2010 04:18 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
Exactly WHAT is your husband tired of? What has been the source of his problems?

Also, do you think it is a good idea to keep going on Facebook, given how much it hurts you to see what he is doing?

chosen 24th December 2010 04:21 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
I agree, whats the point of seeing him communicating with other women on facebook if its so upsetting?

Forever 24th December 2010 04:33 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
Your husband says he is "tired" of this. Can you figure what he means by that? Is it that the two of you do not live together, or the type of job you have which makes him feel threatened? Perhaps he feels emotionally disconnected from you if there has not been enough intimacy and "home" together?

That he made sure you could not contact him, gave back his wedding ring, and is talking to other women on facebook and making sure you see that is very serious. I think he is so angry and is trying to hurt you.

What kind of pictures did he see of you on Facebook that caused such a reaction?

I am asking these things because the only hope that I can see personally is that you may be able to use Facebook as a communication device to contact him and explain to him the circumstances. Be advised however, that everyone else will see whatever you write. It will be public, but then, he made it very public when he told his entire family. That is not a good sign.

leilag 24th December 2010 05:02 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
I think he is tired of me doing stupid things. Like not telling him things and seeing me in pictures with other men. Holding them by the arm, to me this is nothing but to him its disrespect.

We do not have a problem with intimacy at all. He is just very jealous. I know he is trying to hurt me and I only send back positive energy. We had a face book war today and again he said he would never get back to me. If its over then why stay my friend on FB ? To hurt me?

I spoke to his Mom today she and I have never had a really good relationship. I know I have a problem with love. She is the one that told me even thought she will not give me his new number she is protective of him in this way, but still hopes that we will get back together. She is divorced 2 and says sometimes these things happen.

My question is why divorce if you are still in love? Is love not enough.

Was today's brief interaction a step toward maybe being able to talk to each other? Why is he responding to me if he hates me so much?

Thanks again,

leilag 24th December 2010 05:05 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
he also hates the fact that I drink occasionally. He is Muslim.

I really don't drink just an occasional glass of champagne at an event. Even though he told me he would divorce me if i drank.


Forever 24th December 2010 05:29 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
Can you understand that what is innocent to you, is disrespectful and hurtful to him?
If so, then maybe you can communicate that to him, yes, even on facebook, maybe ESPECIALLY on facebook for the whole world to see. He has lost "face" feels humiliated by having others see pics of you with other men. Now, he feels he must take a stand against you. You have backed him into a corner, and in his mind, in order to keep his dignity intact, he feels he must make you a public example of his shame. Communicating with other women is his way of letting you know how it feels.

You can certainly turn this around IF you will humble yourself. Tell him publically that you will repent of these things, that you love only him, and that you will not drink anymore, not travel with those who make him feel uneasy, and will even give up your job. Are you willing to do these things to keep his heart safe? No, love is not enough. It is just an emotion. There is also the standards in marriage that protect the hearts of each other. Keeping those standard is what Love is.

Love means sacrafice. Can you sacrafice all for him?

He sees your drinking as an act of rebellion dear. And lying to him in order to have freedom to do what is hurtful to him surely cannot help him feel safe with you can it?

My understanding is that you converted to Muslim faith. Surely you realise that means you will need to understand how Muslim men view the way a married woman should behave? By chance, could this be why his mother and you do not get along well? I think he feels humiliated by the way you flaunt your "modern" freedom. If you are converted, you must be converted to what is expected from their women.
Even if he were not Muslim, as a man, these things would be hurtful.

Let us know what you think.

chosen 24th December 2010 05:59 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
Every marriage needs clear strong boundaries with the opposites sex. Travelling alone with other men, having pictures of yourself holding and embrassing other men etc isnt a good idea whether he is muslim or not. Its not something that I would ever do, and I am not muslim, but Christian. Also why do you need to drink, if you married him knowing that he would never drink himself and didnt want you to?
Living in a different city because of your career? Not a good idea either. A married couple should live together unless it is impossible (ie one of them is in the armed forces for example). I think that you need/needed to put your own desires aside and work on the marriage. I hope that it isnt too late.
I suppose this is why it is often not a good idea for those from different religions and cultures to marry.

A thought just occured to me. If he doesnt drink, what was he doing in a bar when he met you? isnt that a bit like a vegetarian working in an abatoir?

leilag 24th December 2010 07:21 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
I think a lot of this stems from my insecurity about love. Both my parents abandoned me at birth. I was raised by my grandmother and aunt. I was always made to feel like the bad child. I would rebel for attention and I recognize these patterns. I also think this is why I had issues with his mom. I think she feels bad for me, but wishes I would move on. He is still her son and wants to protect him.:(

The reason why I left the country we were living in was because I could not find work. I am a highly educated women and we both wanted to see me achieve. He always told me he did not want me to have any regrets about my career.

Yes, exactly when we meet we both were doing what people do in a bar. I do have respect for his religion and do believe it has saved my life. When both my aunt and grandmother died 2 things helped me our religion and my husband.

I totally understand that I have disrespected him. I did not do it on purpose for me sometimes showing affection comes naturally for me. I understand my actions to not leave room for trust.

I again spoke to his friend who says he will go talk to him face to face. He knows our past and will ask him on my behalf to find some mercy for me. I am lucky and hope for the best. My husband is still really upset.

Forever 24th December 2010 08:01 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
Your issues regarding insecurity about love need to be buried in the past. That was unfortunate, but you are now living today.
What does your husband have to do to prove his love for you? When will you finally believe him? You are a married woman now, who has a husband that allowed you the freedom that your education has afforded. He encouraged you because he loved you and saw what a career meant to your self esteem. This is part of his love for you. This did not mean that you were to disregard and disrespect him as a man.

Of course, I think you know this now more than ever. He told you that if you drink, he would divorce you, even though you both met in a bar. He was setting a standard that he thought you understood. He was happy to meet you, regardless of where that took place (in a bar), but made it clear that if you were to be his wife, then you would be expected to give up the drinking. Did you agree to that? Did you think that his feelings for you would override his need for security and your promise? You know, many men have double standards. It seems to be fine if they drink, but not if their wife does. Is this the case for you and your husband?

These are questions you must ask yourself. I know how angry he is. He feels like you have taken advantage of his love for you, broken your promises, flaunted yourself to other men and now his is ashamed he married you. He feels like a fool. You were so intent on getting love the way you wanted it, that you forgot about giving it to him the way he needed it.

This can be repaired. Biggest question is this. What are you willing to do for him to have the marriage repaired? That is the real question.

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