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Chamomile 16th August 2011 09:39 AM

Baronness
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Helen_uk (Post 64949)
He had a shop in The Marlands shopping centre and one in Totton until a couple of years ago , but he sold band merchandise rather than vinyl .

The recession hit him pretty bad so now he just has the websites , which don't come with a £40,000.00 a year rent !

I'm the same with doctors Chamomile ( of which I've seen a lot lately ! ) I do prefer them to be older .. They always seem more experienced then .
xx

Hi Helen xoxoxox

Shame about the recession and unique stores hit hard by it :( There used to be more interesting stores and when their lease runs out, they seem to be forced out. It's excellent your man is wise enough to continue online to keep ppl happy with rock music merchandise. :) xxx

What you said made me re-think, thank you, Helen. xx I'm no good judge of character when it comes to medical professionals. (I'm in fact quite naive in that front x) Are you seeing any Specialists at the moment? (please no need to reply on here due to lack of privacy) Please DO email me if you can, Helen.

I agree, there are doctors who seem to understand patients well and others who just irritate patients LOL LOL

xxxxx

Chamomile 16th August 2011 09:43 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 64966)
I think that volunteer work is a great thing. I worked a phone line years ago at a Suicide Crisis Centerand often manned the overnight shift as that was a high stress time for callers. I was a full time mature working student, and had just had met my husband. He took me to morning coffee more than once when my nerves were jangled from those calls. It was good to help others.

So if you can, beyond your own troubles, lift anothers' burden or go beyond self, than do it. We talk about what we wish was different. Make it different for yourself. Truth is, we can't change another. Let them be reponsible for their own space and choices. I will live for me. Perhaps that is selfish? It seems fruitless to ask another to give you what they will not. I am happy with my space and what I have around me. It does take a little work to think through to serenity.

Hi

I'm not sure but I seem to remember Pat is working full-time?

Greetings Pat. Enjoy the supportive Room :)

Helen_uk 16th August 2011 10:50 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Hi Chamomile,

I have a lovely specialist in Coventry and also an excellent GP, whom I've been a patient of since I was 15 so he knows me inside out, literally ! I have a temp doctor in S'oton at a good practice and who've seen me quite a few times whilst I've been at my fiancé's ... they've also arranged hospital appointments for me here when necessary , which is above and beyond what a temp GP would normally do.

I'm more comfortable talking to medics who are older than me ( younger ones feel like I'm discussing things with my son ! ) but of course as we get older, doctors, along with policemen seem to get younger lol.

As far as mental health care is concerned it's even more vital you feel comfortable with the person you're confiding in , so it's not just about qualifications . ... although I would recommend they be registered with their professional body ( just in case of complaint ) . I've had more than one psychologist treat me for depression as the first ones I didn't feel comfortable with. I think you make much better progress if it feels they have empathy for you.
xx

Baroness 16th August 2011 03:26 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I don't think I'm going to be posting on this thread for awhile. I am very depressed and don't really want to talk to anyone. After he basically blamed me for our financial situation (losing my job) I have felt terrible and useless in that I can't find a job and I can't do anything about my back. He did say it was no ones fault and yet he was saying that he's frustrated.

He always told me it was no problem. He has the funds to cover everything and while it doesn't leave us with a lot, we manage. I feel empty inside and very old. I look at my face in photos and I have the circles under my eyes and I realized I'm never going to look young again. Not that its a big surprise but I'm thinking now that him not making love to me has nothing to do with ed.

I think its because he is no longer attracted to me. I know other men are but that isn't the point. I have never felt such depression in my life. I don't care about anything and I don't want to talk to anyone, especially him. Once again he has changed things and once again he's made it worse.

Helen_uk 16th August 2011 03:34 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I'm so sorry to hear that Baroness , please don't feel you can't post here if you're feeling depressed . Sometimes it's good to just get that frustration out .

I hope that if you do decide you don't want to post you are getting support from somewhere .

Hugs for you.
x

chosen 16th August 2011 04:02 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Could you go and stay with your mum again for a while? She helped you so much last time and she seems to have an amazing faith. It would give you both a break from all this, and some time of reflection and time to spend with God as well.

1aokgal 16th August 2011 04:51 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Baroness...

Is that a "girl thing" we put it all on how we look, or our feminity in a relationship? What about who cares what he thinks? I do think this... and maybe it is not good for your to hear? You both drank together and that was fun and he was exciting then and macho. You had a good job and living together was balanced because you knew he didn't talk a lot but was fun after a few drinks. His personality and charisma to you was good.

Ok, you are both older. Now you are unemployed and with health problems. A full time job is questionable, even if they showed up at your door with promise of a paycheck! One thing there you can improve.
Him? You can't change him. Anybody who drinks as a couple will find that if one withdraws from that part of the relationship, they strip away an element that both enjoyed previously. In come cases, the drinker will attempt to get the other back to the party.

You are seeing the world unfiltered by licquor and he is not the fascinating one! What is the truth? We see what attracted us to someone, and later it is those things that cause the problems! How strange is that! Maybe your man is moody because there are NOT two incomes. You both have to make adjustments as others do today. If you put life all around HIM, you will be disappointed.

Often couples can smoke, because licquor pairs well with smoking, I am told. That can run the budget per person in the US at almost $6 a pack per day or $180.00 month for one. That is an expensive hobby. (I think the majority are now non-smokers, as so many work places don't tolerate it). People are forced to cut back or quit. My husband was a former smoker, not heavy, but a point of conflict between us. He got a shove to quit when the ships in the merchant fleet went non-smoking. There are months at sea and without that crutch. The unions did not want the health claims.
It is also not cheap to go out to a club for an evening for a couple. Licquor and snacks doesn't fit often in the budget for many.

You can change some factors of your life where it concerns the things you do now to enjoy your time and bring in income. All of life is making changes and adapting. Perhaps it was an advantage for him to pair himself with a woman who brought half her income in to support the house. Maybe that was part of the deal at that time? Things change and people have to do the same.

Yes, life sucks. We get up, dust ourselves off and see what we can do to make it better. You are a DOER and not a passive lady. That is part of your charm. Do what you can and blow the rest to GOD. Have a good day.

Chamomile 16th August 2011 06:14 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Helen_uk (Post 64977)

I have a lovely specialist in Coventry and also an excellent GP, whom I've been a patient of since I was 15 so he knows me inside out, literally ! I have a temp doctor in S'oton at a good practice and who've seen me quite a few times whilst I've been at my fiancé's ... they've also arranged hospital appointments for me here when necessary , which is above and beyond what a temp GP would normally do.

I'm more comfortable talking to medics who are older than me ( younger ones feel like I'm discussing things with my son ! ) but of course as we get older, doctors, along with policemen seem to get younger lol.

As far as mental health care is concerned it's even more vital you feel comfortable with the person you're confiding in , so it's not just about qualifications . ... although I would recommend they be registered with their professional body ( just in case of complaint ) . I've had more than one psychologist treat me for depression as the first ones I didn't feel comfortable with. I think you make much better progress if it feels they have empathy for you.
xx

Hi Helen xxx

Thank you so much for your wise suggestions as always :) I'm so pleased that you have got excellent GPs who understand your medical needs. It must be very reassuring for you to have access to services in your new location. For people like your good self or myself, hospitals/GP surgeries are rather quite important lol It's useful to know that there will be excellent support and services where you are moving to in advance.

I saw a lot older nurse today in my new GP Surgery. She was very nice and much older and she was slightly slower than younger counterparts but there was something really lovely about the way she was. Yes, it does make a world of difference when a service provider can offer such elusive quality such as empathy. Yes, you are so right about the qualification of psychologist. I'm now on the look out for a lot older, wiser psychologist.

Thank you for your advice, Helen xxxxxx

Baroness 16th August 2011 11:35 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Helen, I was only going to take a break but I decided to post since I have to reply to the comments just posted. Thank you for your concern but I think I will be all right. We talked about the finances again today and he said he was just venting but at least he's talking.

Chosen, I can't keep running off to my Mom's every times things get a little tough here. My place is to be with him, no matter how difficult things are right now. The time at my mom's was nice because I got to spend time with her and got closer to God. I have not slacked off in reading the bible and praying and I can talk to my mom on the phone. Running away isn't going to help. I'm sure you meant to just get a change of scenery but I just did that.

You are right, 1aokgal, with your suggestions on cutting down certain things. He only drinks for a day or so every other weekend so it isn't like he's constantly drinking beer, not like before. And yes, he smokes when he drinks so it can get expensive. However; he is the same man I met years ago and I had no illusions about him but didn't expect this problem.

I guess I was expecting everything to be perfect when we moved in together and of course it can't be perfect. The whole world is going through a hard time right now, some more than others, and I'm sure there are people worse off than me. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be learning through all this?

How to live without a lot of money? I've done that my whole life and had to fight for every dime. I'm sure many of you have done the same. I have to just do the best I can. Its upsetting when he talks like this because worrying about things isn't going to change them. I feel so weary with all this.

I just want to have a little fun. I'm meeting my best friend tomorrow and she's taking me to breakfast so maybe that will cheer me up.

chosen 17th August 2011 08:37 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I wasnt suggesting running away, but visiting your mum for a short holiday break. We all need a holiday sometimes.Maybe you could both go for a break there. Sometimes getting away from home for a couple of weeks, enables us to see things from a different perspective.

Yes money isnt everything. God and people and family and friends are far more important than money. As long as we have enough for paying bills, food, a car etc then we have enough. As you say, worrying wont change anything.

I am sure you will enjoy seeing your friend. I love going out for coffee with my friends, We women love a good chat dont we.

1aokgal 17th August 2011 03:47 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Hi All..

Pals are wonderful and always good for a laugh and a lift. It was funny, but I woke this morning from nightmare and was so glad to find it wasn't real! Someone stole my purse, wallet, with all credit cards and cell phone. In the dream I ran around in this business and managed to locate the now empty bag. I was distressed as I searched for a phone to report the cards stolen so they couldn't be used. My little Schi Ztsu dog, Cleo, who died years ago, was in the dream and I had insecurity to lose her as well.

Now, there is symbolism in dreams. A purse dream means SEX. That is a disappointment! How come I don't get a spicy visual sex dream like Baroness? :D I think this night time drama resulted from my expensive car repair last week. Then I had to spend $750 to replace a needed pool cleaning machine yesterday. A dream was in response to those concerns and the fact I will need to produce more in my business to compensate for extra expenses. The only part of the dream that wasn't bad, was I got to hold in a big hug that funny sweet little dog with her fur flying as she jumped into my lap. She had one albino eye and was a quite funny looking little dog. I was broken hearted when she died and kept a ribbon bow she wore in her topknot after her grooming trips. The dream reunited us for a hug of her furry body and a face lick. That part was wonderful.

We all have concerns for the insecure reality of our lives. The rich worry about how they will keep more of what they have, and regular people worry about how we get from one crisis large or small to the next. I see possibility in everything I can do to improve a situation. My business is my creativity as I locate a buyer for what I can produce. Sure beats the years I stood on my feet and worked for another! It is just that I have to keep control of my time and put it to good use. Since I enjoy to make things all I have to do is match an outlet to the product. Right now consignment shops seek fall goods and I have started to reduce the closets and get rid of the extra. One can donate all that extra stuff to a charity outlet and take the tax writeoff, which is easy, or press and hang clothing and get them to a shop.

I also cut clothes apart and use the fabric for a handbag lining or small lap quilts. My daughter dropped off her used blue satin bridesmaid dresses. I can sell them or there are some great material for Victorian bonnets and lining material. When I was super poor, years ago and moved in with a relative, I got my little sewing machine and made 57 patchwork Teddy bears with button eyes and cute embroidery noses. I sold them all in a few days and had orders for more. Creative women can
see possibility everywhere. How we define life is whether we can make something better from what we have.

My daughter who has a great job, moonights home decorating jobs with her buddy for other friends. Then on the side of all that she bakes the most gorgeous decorated cakes for others. Her creations are impressive with sugar flower bedecked cupcakes and sweet candies and makes a constant flow of sideline income with her customer orders. She removed all her cable TV stations, as she said she didn't need to spend the money, and doesn't have time for TV. Her favorite times are really long bike rides with several friends and she stays in geat shape with that. So creative women can make a difference with great ideas to change an attitide of poverty. Life is possibility and unlimited in resources.

Baroness 18th August 2011 12:01 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I just went to my mom's in the later part of July and she is some distance away and I miss my home when I'm not here and I miss him too although I don't know why. I had a good time with my friend today, we went to breakfast and talked about her life and mine and she said I should come over more often and I think I will.

You are very creative, 1aokgal, and I enjoy reading about your past life and what you did to earn money. My friend told me she was watching a news show and they said that the longer you are without work and the older you get its harder to get a job. I said what about experience? I have 20 years of clerical experience and she said they didn't mention that but they want young women rather than older ones.

I said, Excuse me, I'm not an older woman! She is secure in her job for the state and she is 3 years younger than me. I go to a new doctor tomorrow and we'll see what he says. I can sit for long periods of time but the standing and stooping is a problem.

I finished my third hat and it looks great. I didn't touch it for days and then forced myself to sit and do it and once I did I was caught up in it so I'm not so depressed anymore but I really don't want to be around him right now. He just reminds me of what I don't have and our situation really isn't okay with me, no matter how much of a brave front I put up.

I'm being honest in how I feel. I wish I could just hand it over to God and not think about it but that isn't possible for me. I have to face facts. I realize now he's been worried about the finances but dumping it on me didn't make me feel good and in fact depressed me. I keep forgetting that he cares little for what I feel.

However, I have a new hat to start and can't be bothered with dwelling on his inadequacies. If I could support myself right now I would be living alone. I would ask him to leave because he said I would have to be the one to end it and he would leave. Maybe its a good thing I don't have the finances to support myself because this relationship would be over and I'm not sure that is the thing to do.

But because I'm frustrated and upset I want a change and me living alone is definitely a change but I think I would miss him. However; we don't seem to have anything together anymore. We have nothing in common and are as different as night and day and before you say that isn't grounds for breaking up, I already know that.

Often times I thought I would like to be free, whether or not there was a man in my life. And other times I look at him and remember how proud I was that he was mine. We are getting along okay now but I didn't need for him to make me feel bad for nothing working at a 9-5 job. A lot of people just say things without considering how the other person is going to feel.

I know that God will help me with whatever direction my life takes. I would like me and him to work out but this is a very odd relationship and there has been no affection in several days and I don't care to show any affection just to feel like I shouldn't have wasted my time. I show him my hat creations and he just nods.

I try to make polite conversation sometimes and he just nods. I feel like I'm bothering him, taking him away from his movie or whatever. But I am relieved to say that I am not in a deep depression anymore. I can't believe how much I've had to go through lately. Everything hit at once. For a couple of years this no sex thing has been going on but there was still an effort.

Now there is no effort and I had to face the facts. So I am immersing myself into creative things and things that make me happy. I am not the type to be down for long. Even though I have many obstacles in my way on the path of my life, I will either jump over them or go around them but I will continue on the path of my life.

I can make my life beautiful. I can create things of beauty and write fantastic novels and get out in the sunshine and do fun things, breathe deeply and hold on to the good things in life. I'm trying to lighten up a bit and be thankful for what I can do and even for what I have. I do have very nice things in this home, things that matter to me and I have hope that I will have a successful hat making business.

1aokgal, I wanted to ask you, when you first started sewing clothes and bonnets and such, how long did it take before it was profitable to you? I know you've been doing this for a long time and I was just curious as to how long it took. I have to admire you for the path you have chosen. Here you are with a man who hasn't been with you physically in a long time but you carried on and turned your attention and talents into something successful.

I admire a woman who can do that. There are some who get so depressed that they turn to alcohol or drugs and sit around and feel sorry for themselves or run to get out of the situation. It must have taken a lot of courage to stay. You are what I call a survivor. You will always come out on top and I'm sorry you've had to deal with the things in your life, from your husband and other things, because I think you deserve all the happiness in the world.

We don't know why we have to endure things like this from a man we loved for a long time, and we might not even know the real reason why this is happening. No matter how I rant and rave and get upset and down, I can't allow this to destroy me, to make me feel bad about myself in any way. I know my self worth and no one can take away my integrity and honor and knowledge.

There is a great distance between me and him and part of it is because I took control of my own life and refused to let him run my life. I took up a project I enjoy very much and I do not whine about how things are financially. I just deal with it like I always have. I hope for the best but make things work with what I have.

I'm a Leo and we take charge and accomplish things and for too long I have wrapped my whole existence and thought into this man. No more. I trust God to help me and he has and I trust my own instincts and my instincts are telling me he doesn't deserve me. I have been kind and thoughtful and loving even knowing that I can't have the relationship I want.

I have been gracious in that I haven't made him feel less a man because of it. I have supported him and put him first in my actions and thoughts and he has in turn treated me like a roommate. I have often thought he is ruining my life and I have to stop him from doing that. I am stronger than he is so I don't need his presence in my life, I just want it, that's all.

But like the song says, 'you can't always get what you want'.

1aokgal 18th August 2011 03:31 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Hi Baroness...

I am glad you go back to your projects. A creative endeavor removes you from conflict and gives one peace. My creations have always been well received with items in damand as few others make these things. I use an assembly line system to cut them in numbers, then designed them to look different saving time. My items sell easily, and I take orders.

I hate to work by a deadline so set a wide window of time as getting behind causes me stress. I design/create theatre costumes and wedding dresses which are pricey and sell. It is easier for me to make a ready made size and any custom made for figure types I charge much more to do. I also find dealing with customers takes patience. I get payment or deposit prior to the article made. The deposit is non-refundable. One wanted a special color in an item. She thinks I would make it and send her photos! I sent her a payment invoice and she didn't pay it. She might still be waiting. I don't buy fabrics, make the item, and send photos for customer approval prior to payment!

First thing you need is the terms of sale/rules for your business. You advise the customer how you work, what you expect and how many days before you expect payment. You state clearly the terms of payment you accept and then make the best photos and description of the item. A good professional image will win confidence and make sales.

I created only custom millinery for Victorian, Civil War and Edwardian items at first. They are authentic in design, fabric and construction and clientele love them and order more. The dresses are sold as fast as I make them. This is no easy dress construction with antique patterns and a bodice which is lined, interlined and boned with steel boning, just as the old one were made.

To make a profit Confucious would say, "to MAKE more, you SPEND less than you make." Initially there are start up costs. You invest in good tools as sharp scissors and patterns. My bonnets are constructed with millinery wire, buckrum and mulling/fleece or padding. These can be made by you initially with hand sewing and use wide ribbon for ties. A sewing machine is a needed investment. I keep a bookeeping system for expenses and income. I can tell you more of the details by email. They say," if one makes a good mousetrap the world will beat a path to your door." A good product, well displayed and priced right, will sell. So getting the equation right, one learns.

Like any venture, time management is important. I have no children home but I placed an advertisement to sell one of my dogs. She requires more time and attention then I have to put into her. I can't break up my work time to pull her in from barking constantly. I need uninterrupted work time. I will place her in a home where she can be shown and get to training sessions as she is an active show dog.

I read articles and talk to others and keep an eye on products in the field. I make some varied items so that gives fresh interest and I don't get stagnant. Then there is the philosophy of "passive income." This is kind of a joke, but I break it down this way, "Let me, or let others work." That is why I introduced drop shipping of other products because I wanted income easy that didn't rest on my efforts. Let us say that is where one gets "easy money." It can also mean one invests back into the business for a better profit margin.

The main thing to remember is that you have the power to change some things, not all. I can change my attitude. I choose to not be at the whim of another and not be a reacter. I choose to have things that work for me and I can control how well that works for me. It takes mind control to have an attitude of prosperity. That is a biblical concept and one that works. I'll Let somebody else elaborate on that, but it is a principle that helps in business and in life. There is energy derived from the attitude of prosperity which attracts in the universe abundance and plenty.

If one sees everything as a struggle and in a negative manner, this creates poverty and unhappiness. A person will never create prosperity until they stop courting poverty. The mind cannot grasp that theory until they believe the universe carries abundance. The mind has to believe, to achieve. I see creativity as God keeping my hands and mind active, and that has been a blessing and a reward.

Baroness 18th August 2011 10:36 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Good advice as usual and thanks for sharing. I went to the doctor today thinking that it was a one time deal but it turns out I qualify for health insurance on a permanent basis because of Obama so now I have my own insurance and my doctor has already set up a mamogram appointment which is important since my mother had breast cancer.

I have to obtain some paperwork by the 1st of September and it requires traveling to get it. He took me to the doctor but was ranting and raving about the finances again and I got upset with him. He's talking about putting our stuff in storage and giving up the apt. if the government takes more money out of his checks.

If that happens I will not go to a motel with him to live until things are better, I will go to my mom's and that will be the end of this relationship. I'm sick of his defeatist talk and his the glass is not only half full, but has totally evaporated!

As I've said, we have nothing really between us anymore so when I can afford to live on my own, whether it be disability, my business or a job, I will go it alone because he is only bringing me down and not offering anything to me as far as any effort to be with me.

I will email you because I don't think everyone is interested in what is happening with my new hat. When we got home from the doctor I got the electric bill and I have a credit for the deposit I put down and so now I won't have to pay that bill for 3 months! That is a bill I pay so that gives me more money. It's been a good day except for his lousy attitude.

Once I get the insurance card I will get an extray of my back but meanwhile my attorney is going forward with my case. I am hopeful about my future but this man is weighing me down, robbing me of my positive attitude and sidetracking me from enjoying making my hats. He just sits there in front of the tv but now he isn't talking because he's worrying about things that might not even happen.

I'm tired of him upsetting me and making no effort except to bring doom and gloom into my life. I think in the long run I will be better off. Things can change and if they do and he wakes up then fine, but I have to have a plan. As far as i'm concerned he's cheating on me with m. His negativity is oppressing me and life doesn't have to be like this.

I dont know what he did with the money from his attorney but suddenly he's ranting and raving about having no money and we've been managing for quite awhile. Perhaps he isn't being honest in what is happening with his finances or perhaps he's worried the government will take some more money. I said 'Jesus!' and he said he had nothing to do with it and I said that's where your wrong.

Have a little faith, dude!

chosen 18th August 2011 11:16 PM

Baronness
 
It sounds as if you are both pulling in opposite directions, and that will never work. Can you guys find a good marriage counselor, and maybe with a third party you can communicate better. Do you really want yet another marriage break up? It just seems so sad to talk about ending this when you seem to think such a lot of each other.

1aokgal 19th August 2011 12:15 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Baroness..

Does your h use recreational drugs as pot? His behavior is so erratic, moody and it seems more than financial concerns. Agreed the M is like having another woman, because it removes intimacy from the marriage. It seems more than that to me..just doesn't make sense. I am suspicious about the use of his money the poor mouthing. Why don't you call his attorney and make inquiry. You are married, right? I don't think he is truthful, and may have a habit to account for those funds. Yes, it seems you have hit an impasse and he is little concerned for you either emotionally or physically.

Unless his use of alcohol has increased which gives him a nasty side. Funny, but some have a few drinks and relax, then the next drink launches the beast with insults or combat. I grew up in with a stepfather who drank. There are personality/brain declines with alcoholism.

I'm really sorry that your day to day is without joy but feel what you are doing can help you with the side income or better, depending on you. I will send you an email of a woman who is much in demand with the hats. You can check out her stuff. She is amazing.

If you can no longer afford the place you live you will have to find another place. Putting things in storage is a lose. lose idea as the storage bills grow to be more than the junk stored. Sorry, but I get the feeling he wants out more than you do. His "plan" seems to be for him, and not both of you.
I think you are right in how you assess that situation and it is not good. I think you should not mention the money you have credited and if I were you, would get an escape fund squirreled away if he has some plan you don't know about. His behavior has made you feel very insecure and upset.

Obama had a right idea that people need health care, not tied to the job. Women need PAP tests, Mammiograms especially with family history, that is a relief for you. That was a concern that you had no health care and are years from SS plan. I would not put a lot of hope with disability claim as they are notorious for dragging that out for years or denying marginal claims. Seems he felt you should have answers to problems he should have been working on for the two of you. I think you are correct in your feeling that is a lost cause and sex is the least of your problems there. The biggest problem is the lack of communication. That is what needs to change.

Baroness 19th August 2011 12:20 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I think i've mentioned before that he will not go to a marriage counselor and clearly he does not think a lot of me nor I him. He won't even try to work on our problem and still pretends there isn't one, and I am in here at night wondering if he is m. He doesn't even wait until I go to bed.

I spend most of my time by myself anyway as he continues to watch the same movies and doesn't talk to me unless he's complaining about finances. He didn't used to complain so I think he did something with some of the money he gets and now he doesn't have enough to get through the month.

He said he was going to buy me a microwave for my birthday and not only is he not going to do that, but he didn't have the decency to tell me. I am tired of his secrets. He acts like his finances and bank account is a forbidden secret. Around the 15th he always has money from his attorney and this time he does not and I'm the one who has to suffer for it.

Ending another relationship does not bother me as much as what he's doing to our relationship. I have lived with his secrets forever and I go through his pockets sometimes or I would never know how much money he had. And then sometimes he comes and gives me twenty dollars when I think he is broke.

Clearly there is a secret life going on here, if only because he likes to keep his finances to himself but that isn't the way it should work with a h and w. I didn't mind because I had my own money but now I have to depend on him and so I can't believe him when he says he's going to do this for me or that. He's always kept him word and has always paid things on time but something is wrong here.

He isn't just worried about what the government will take out next year, he's worried because he has no money and he should have. I even mentioned that to him today and he got all quiet. I am open and honest with him about finances and everything else but lately i've started not telling him everything.

I've also quit trying to make conversations with him because he just acts like he wished I'd go away so he can watch tv. This, in turn, makes me feel like an idiot for even trying when he is so clearly not interested. I know him and I know he's worried about things but why all of a sudden? He's been paying for things for a few months now (before that I was contributing) and why all of a sudden is it a big deal?

He told me that he had paid off his child support in one lump sum back in 95. Then he said his ex was suing him because she wanted him to pay for when the girls were in college. Going through his things I discovered that yes he did pay it off but it kept adding up and when we got together and he was telling me he paid all the child support, but he receipts I saw it showed that he was supposed to be paying child support because it was adding up from the time he paid it off.

I have two children, he doesn't think I know anything about child support? So maybe he owed this money and now it has to come out of his settlement and that's why he only gets so much per month. She's probably asking for more than he's willing to pay and he says she refuses to pay the attorney so everything is on hold.

What I'm telling you is that I have had a life with him full of things I don't know, and sometimes he'll tell me and sometimes he won't and I just don't trust him anymore. I'd like to think he was honest and I know he is very private and doesn't reveal things because of his past, but why hide things from me? Does he think I would take advantage of him in some way?

I could care less about his money and he knows that. When we first met he tried to impress me with the house up on the mountain that he owned and was talking about the property he owned and about the money he had. I told him straight out that it didn't make any difference to me if he'd had money or not or owned property.

I don't know what its like to have a lot of money so it matters little to me. I told him I didn't care if he dug ditches for a living I wasn't with him because of money and he knows that. But if I decided to stay with him now it would be about the money. I feel he owes me after everything I've had to put up with and now this sex situation.

I don't know what to tell you. I ask God for direction but I'm not getting any. All I know is I'm tired of wondering when he's jerking off but just as important is that he doesn't care if I don't want to watch something on tv, he knows I hate certain movies cause I've watched them so much and yet he will sit there and watch it anyway with me sitting there.

What kind of love is that? If I knew he hated something I was watching I would try to find something he liked. This just proves what a selfish person he really is. And if he doesn't like it that I'm always in here then he should find something we both like and not be a TV-Nazi. I just hate to be around him now and I've got other things I need to do besides being worried that he's not treating me fairly.

Everything has always been his way, but he discovered quickly that there are things I will not negotiate on. I have no choice but to remain here right now, and I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I do know I'm not going to be miserable for the rest of my life. I've tried to be patient and to adjust to the lack of sex.

I've prayed and trained myself not to dwell on it and even convinced myself it was okay. But what is happening here is that he's doing whatever he wants and doesn't care how I feel about it. He doesn't care that I haven't had sex and I have no physical problem with it. He doesn't care what I think about his distance either.

By his actions I'm getting that he thinks I will just deal with whatever because I love him. Big mistake. No, this is not okay. It's not okay that he doesn't try to get help for this, it isn't okay for him to ignore me like I was a light bulb or something. A light bulb has its purpose and when its done doing its job you just turn it off and that's the way he thinks about me.

If he doesn't know how lucky he is to have a woman love him and show kindness and put up with all his problems, then he doesn't deserve me and if he doesn't want to make love to me and treat me decently, then someone else will.

Baroness 19th August 2011 12:38 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
He has told me over and over again that he wouldn't be here if he didn't love me and that we are going to be together forever and he's said this recently. Why would he want it to end? He's got everything his own way plus a housekeeper and good cook to boot!

No, he's never been into drugs and he smoked pot in college and that was it. A good friend of ours offered us pot and he wanted nothing to do with it and he isn't drinking now. Hasn't had beer since my birthday. Maybe he's hanging onto money for emergencies, I don't know. The thing is, I'm tired of dealing with all this.

I've been dealing with a lot of it for years and I've never demanded answers or for him to be accountable, I told you all the kind of easy going relationship we've always had. But a wife has certain rights and I'm tired of being understanding and just dealing with whatever his issues are. He should know by now that he could trust me.

It's like we aren't even a couple anymore. Now, I don't hate him, I just feel sorry for him because he's going to lose the best thing he ever had, and he's said this to me before but I can only take so much. The problems in the world are not my fault. The bottom line is he better get his act together or he's going to lose me.

He is destroying my life and my good attitude and now I think negatively like he does and that isn't me at all. When we were going to the bars together way back when I was sure we wouldn't be able to have a life outside of drinking and the bars and I was right. He isn't happy or even normal when he's sober.

I believe he cares for me and I also believe if I told him I wasn't happy with him anymore he would walk right out the door. He's told me this, that if I wasn't happy he would leave. He might not drink nearly as much as he did, but without alcohol he is not the same person. I've always told myself that I have to wait until he drinks for him to have a personality.

I have tried, you all know how hard I've tried and you don't even know the whole story, but I refuse to live the rest of my life with a man who doesn't care about how I feel. He can be a very kind man to others, but with me its a different story. I don't think he even knows what true love is. You don't want the woman you love to hurt and suffer and you put her feelings above your own, the way I have done for years.

Now, I'm tired of talking about this. I had a good day regardless of him. He's said to me many times that this is just the way he is. Well, this is the way I am, I refuse to be taken advantage of just because someone says they love me. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words. I have to get back to my hat now, I've spent enough time talking about him. I now need to do something constructive. We don't have to move, he was only saying if he gets less money we will have to move.

He can stay out there and m until his member falls off for all I care.

1aokgal 19th August 2011 12:55 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
When being around another is all downer, best to do your own thing and not get into discussions that bring you down more. Take each day and do what pleases you and stay busy.

In your place I would get some facts he may not be honest about. You can write for a free credit report from one of the four credit agencies as Experian in his name. Get the address on internet. You write in his name, his social security number and date of birth and ask for your free yearly 2011 credit report. You will find out if there is a lien, unpaid taxes or child support issues and what he owes and what he pays. I take it you get the mail? The report would come in about a week.

Yes, Of course, I have done that to keep track of my husbands report because I manage the finances.
One should get a report yearly. In your case, you are owed full disclosure and visibility and he isn't giving that to you, so get it. I am sure a few would disagree with that, but you are owed truth.

Baroness 19th August 2011 04:47 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
A few years ago my friend mickey ran a report on him through her job and found out that he did own the houses and had his own painting business but it didn't say anything about child support. Of course I have run a credit check for myself on those sites and it cost me nothing for a period of time and I guess I could do that, I just hate to do it and shouldn't have to but it might be a good idea, and I have thought of it before.

He keeps a box in the closet and that's how I found out about the child support after he'd paid it off in full and even his disability papers. He keeps a lot of papers in the van so I could only find out his attorneys address with what was in the closet and he's told me all this before. I don't think a credit check would tell me about his court case though.

It might reveal other things and I do know he's never been in jail before he spent the night in jail when he got a dui years ago. I hate to do this behind his back but I need to know what I'm dealing with here. We get our mail separately. He's always had a po box and I get my mail here. He also does his laundry separate and takes it to a laundry mat where I will do it at my friends or at the washroom here on the premises.

I offered to do his laundry and he said he wanted to do it himself because thats what he's always done and I asked this when we first moved in here. He likes to be independent and so do I but I think he takes it overboard sometimes. If he wants to do his laundry elsewhere then I'm fine with it and if he wants to get his mail elsewhere then fine, but I'm not fine with things I don't know about.

He has made me do these things, like looking in his stuff and so on. I didn't want to do that because I respect his privacy and I know he wouldn't go thru my things but he doesn't need to does he? I've been open and honest about everything, maybe too much so but I thought thats the way it was supposed to be with couples.

He hangs onto stuff from his past where I put it behind me and don't judge him for the things other men have put me through. I am more cautious now and suspicious because that's what happens when someone is not forthcoming. The thing is, I can't discuss what I find out from his things because then he'd know I broke our privacy trust.

This is just one of the things I find hard to live with. I didn't at first because it wasn't necessary for me to know everything when he would tell me about his past, but since i've met him i've always had the feeling that there's things I don't know. Again, this wouldn't be happening if he would have just been forthcoming.

He's opened up to me quite a bit over the years but he has this need to keep certain things private and he tells me to be the same way with other people. I'm just open and honest and don't mind talking to people about my life, he is the opposite. He promised me long ago that he would never lie to me because I told him from the beginning I would not live like that.

In his mind keeping things from me that don't concern me is not lying,but is his own business. He told me that after I found out he'd been getting money from his attorney when he knew we'd waited for years for something to happen with his settlement. I was very hurt because before it was what was his was mine too and now its it doesn't concern you, it has nothing to do with you.

I wonder how he'd feel if I said that to him. The thing is, he really doesn't care what has happened to me in my past. When I try to tell him about an incident he just ends the conversation as quickly as he can. If you love someone, isn't it normal to want to know everything about them?

Anyway, I feel better today and he's better also as far as his mood goes. But is it any wonder I don't trust him at times because of the way he is? I hate this mistrust too. I hate not knowing when and if he is m so sometimes when I suspect he is it could be that he isn't. I was very depressed last night but I don't feel depressed today.

I just don't think I should have to live with these secrets, or things I don't know about. It makes me suspicious and that isn't the way I am. He can justify it all in his mind somehow and yet he loves God so wouldn't cheat on me or break the law or do something that was wrong. He has integrity on how he lives but he just has issues that he hangs onto and is not just turning over to God.

We've all had bad experiences and that is no excuse. I HATE finding out things about him that he didn't tell me about. I don't like things being kept from me. And on top of all that now I have to deal with not making love and wondering when he's m. I've wondered sometimes if he is really where he says he is.

I've checked it out, believe me. I know the guy he's painting with and he calls here for gabby and so I know that's where he is. I know people up at the canyon and so I know he's there. I know the owner at the bar so I know when he's been there and who he is talking to. However; if he was with a woman there Holly (the owner and friend) might not tell me because she's his friend too.

I'm not sure but gabby isn't the type to flirt with women and I've known from others there that if a woman is coming on to him he will get up and leave. I believe he loves me and maybe I should have just accepted all this about him but some things I find hard to accept.

1aokgal 19th August 2011 06:09 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Baroness...

I think you have to break the problems in the marriage into categories. You have a man who doesn't communicate and keeps secrets that concern both of you. You don't know how much money he has coming in as he has a sepate PO box!

You can get a statement from social security on his entitlement income. You write in his name with date of birth, social security number in request a statement of earnings which records his total income year by year, including his present income. Do you file taxes as "married, filing jointly" and sign a return, as his gross earning figure is there. Are you legally married? All these vague areas and the separate activities, including his paranoia down to separate laundry, makes me wonder! No doubt about it , you selected a strange duck! This clearly was not a marriage made in heaven. It should be no surprise that it unravels when you are sober and he has lost his bar buddy (you.) As you observed that sober, he is a dud, than there was not a good beginning for your relationship later.

If you were married 10 years, then you would be entitled to claim part of his SS as part of marital property, depending on your state laws. You get yours or half of his, not both. Generally, men pay in better income so have more credit there. Your marriage has ceased to work, as you seem to live in a train wreck of unhappiness around his secrets and moods. That is similar to alcohol deterioration or personality defects that his other wives found as well. You need serious intervention but it seems much of this is based on financial concerns and th eloss of employment. You both need to have part in the decision making about money issues.
I think you have to confront him..no TV..and talk through some of the problems.

I would get some answers on his income. You have lived in a marriage that doesn't resemble how couples should live. No wonder you are insecure, unhappy, and worry about the future. Work on your disability claim and plan for your future. You can do well with a side income with your crafts but you need a sewing machine and skills. This will tide you over until there are better job possibilities. Listen, there is not a lot of work out there for you. He stands a better chance to work some sideline jobs. He wastes time working free when he has time and he could do something that pays. He doesn't get it that he has to change that plan. Both of you have to work through the money concerns.

chosen 19th August 2011 11:22 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Maybe if he knows how close you seem to be in making a decision to leave he would agree to get some outside help. You have both had 2 marriages break up(is that right) and to end yet another one seems so drastic. My husband and I have been through one divorce, after long first marriages, and I would never go through that again unless there was adultery. Even then I am not sure if I would divorce him, probably just seperate for a set time.

Its just too traumatic, and you may think that you will meet someone else, but the older you get the harder it is to meet Christian men, because there are about 4 or 5 Christian women in their 50's to every available man. Also most want younger women as well, so thsi makes the statistics worse. All of us have faults and weakness and there is no such thing as a perfect husband or wife.
To all intents and purposes. he sounds like a basically decent man who loves you, but you seem to be seeing things now that may well not be there, and getting suspicious of him for no reason.
I recommend getting the book called 'The Power of a Praying Wife' by Stormie Omartian and pray those scriptural prayers for him every day. Dont entertain ANY thoughts of leaving or divorce, because that takes away from your committment to the marriage. You have no Biblical reason to leave or divorce anyway, and we cant just run away evey time the marriage goes through a rocky patch. Dont listen to anyone who speaks negatively about your marriage or your husband, or who ever suggests that you should leave or divorce him. For a believer words are SO important, and the Bible says that we can build up or tear down with our words.

Get that book, and I bet that after a year of using those prayers, things will be so much better. God is the only one who can change the situation, but you need to stop thinking about breaking the promises that you made to this man. As long as you are looking for a way out, then you arent committed to it. My feeling is that you have both gone off track and you are already looking and planning about being on your own and that is so sad. You married this man for life and he hasnt done anything to break the marriage vows that he made to you or that you made to him.

I am so troubled by what is happenening here, and the way that you have got more and more negative of your husband and marriage over the last month or so. I have seen it happen and you need to be encouraged to make it work and trust God to change things,and that you need to love him as your husband and for the good that is in him(of which there seem to be a lot) and not think all the time of what he may or may not be doing and of what you may or may not do if you left. You need to be around positive storng believers who believe and have seen marriages restored, and who have seen non believing husbands saved and changed, and who believe that nothing has to stay the same. You need hope and not despair.

1aokgal 20th August 2011 01:14 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I don't think decent men grow on trees and it takes a lot of work to work through issues with any man. If there is still feeling, than it is worth every personal sacrifice to work through issues to get this marriage to work. There are no perfect marriages and rather than to live alone is to share life with a partner. Financial concerns come and go. That isn't a reason to call it quits. There are few decent men out there for women post 50. Most carry a huge amount of baggage and are super losers.

That is true, most men who start again think they deserve a much younger woman. There are also poor job prospects for women of that age, unless one has a specific job skills, good health and job history in some field. The truth is employers don't want older workers on their health plans as it costs all employees more for premiums because of the claims. (I used to write group health plans for employers.) The sexual issue is one problem but the lack of communication is the underlying issue it seems. Two people, committed to each other, can overcome many issues as financial, sickness and job insecurity better than one alone trying to make it in the toughest econemy since the depression.

One can't keep searching for another man because often the problems aren't all in the relationship, but the baggage one carries. A woman in this situation is more likely to end up living on poverty level wages and have problems to keep a roof overhead. Relatives have their own problems.

The problem is this man has no intention to get counselling or have a 3rd party intervention until he realizes he may lose his wife. Baroness has a right to know how much money comes into the house, and where it goes. She didn't ask questions before and now has a mess. I agree it would be foolish to end this marriage before both try everything to work out the issues. It seems many problems are financial. Most of us have been in that position and that means you must spend less, make more....pretty basic.

Baroness 20th August 2011 03:46 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I know how much money he gets from social security. He told me and I read the letter from social security stating how much he gets and his painting this house is only a one time thing. He's painted other nicer homes and got paid very well and his ex and him divorced because she was drinking and cussing at him in front of the children.

There is some feeling left but not half of what it used to be. Its better today but there is still no effort on his part. I know how much money he gets and I know where he is when he's gone. He's been here for the past 4 mornings and I don't like that because I usually watch what I want on tv during the morning.

I could probably find another man but I'm not thinking about that. I don't need a man in my life and i'm not worried about my future because God has assured me that I don't have anything to worry about. I trust him and I will find a way to support myself because he is not going to change, he just expects me to accept this and I'm not going to.

Chosen, he wasn't married twice, I was, and if he knew I was thinking of leaving he would not get help, he would just walk out the door because he doesn't want to be here if I don't want him. We've discussed this before. And I didn't find my divorces so traumatic.

The cheating on me, yes, but not the divorce itself, I was glad to be rid of them. One a drug addict and the other a lazy man who was cruel to my son and made me feel like I was nothing; yes,I was glad to get rid of him. You made a point of telling me how difficult it would be to find a man and that they want younger women, but God would send me a man if it was his will so I'm not worried about that.

As for seeing things that aren't there, that isn't true at all. I saw him m as i've said many times and while I'm not sure when he does it, I know that he does and I do have a reason to divorce him as far as I'm concerned. Satisfying himself sexually is the same as cheating on me, he's getting it somewhere else and God has specific rules on how a husband is to treat his wife and he is not doing those things.

You mentioned promises I've made to this man? What about the promises he made me, to love and cherish me? He can't even talk about money he gets from his attorney, this is not even like a marriage. It's like I'm his girlfriend and he doesn't have to share anything with me. He has done something to break the marriage vows.

He has stopped being a husband to me. There is no marriage bed, he is denying me the right that God says I have. If he has ed, then he should care enough about me to go do something about it instead of just assuming I will get used to no sex. Does he even know me? He knows better than that.

And how can I stop thinking about what he doesn't do when I go to bed alone every night and wonder if he's in there jerking off? My words are crude but its the truth. And what's he thinking about when he's doing it? If he's thinking about anyone other than me then that is adultery because in the Bible it says if you are thinking about it, its the same as doing it.

You might stay with your husband even if he cheated on you, but I wouldn't. How could you do that? Every time he went to bed with you you would be wondering if he was thinking about some other woman? Where is your pride? YOu are saying he can do whatever he wants but because you hate divorce and what you went through, you would rather him demean you.

God doesn't want that for us. We are children of God and deserve to be treating in the proper way and I am not being treated right. He is not obeying God and I'm not surprised with his catholic mentality. Even catholics wouldn't agree with this. How can you tell me to just put up with anything he wants to dish out?

Now, he isn't a bad man in any way but just self centered. He expects me to do all the things a wife does but he isn't doing what a husband is supposed to do. I can't live the rest of my life hoping for a change in him because he doesn't have to listen to God and I can't live in a fairy tale. The time for me to do something is now.

If a few years go by and this hasn't changed then I will regret not doing anything. What 1aokgal said is true, its the finances that are the problem and I can't go anywhere at this time, but it isn't like I'm sitting around planning my escape and all the men I will meet.

I'm still doing my best in this relationship even though he continues to treat me this way. If this had happened five years ago before I got closer to God, I would have left so fast his head would spin and that's what he deserves now and back then I wouldn't have thought of the consequences either, I would have left and only come back for my things.

Two things are holding me back from doing this and every instinct I have is telling me to get out. The first thing and its the more important of the two is that I have loved him for a long time and we get along together pretty well and I would miss him if I left him. He is very difficult to live with but he tries to make sure I am okay and have money.

He can be so kind and even romantic at times and he can also be a jerk and upset me very much. He used to at least try to make love to me although it wasn't that often. Now he doesn't try. He is breaking my heart because I know eventually my love for him will leave because if there is distance between us now, think what it will be like in a few years.

The second reason is because I can't support myself. I can go to my friends or my moms but I'm used to my own home with my things and because I don't want to lose those things, I have stayed here even when its been unbearable and these days aren't the unbearable times I'm talking about.

I need to just leave him, if only for a few days, and he would worry and get upset and be mad and we would fight when I came back and I would get my point across but at what cost? I'm not playing games with him like i would have done before.

God told me today to 'just trust him'. I was taking a walk and telling him that he wasn't doing anything or showing me anything or telling me anything and I felt so lost and confused and he said, "Just trust me." and that was it. I have to trust him. He could be working on my h and I don't know or he could have someone better for me.

I don't know but I'm not making a move until I am sure that this is what God wants and don't tell me what God wants because you don't know. You will probably say God doesn't want any marriage to end and this and that, but maybe it wasn't God's will for us to get married. Maybe I made a mistake marrying someone who spent a lot of time in bars.

I thought God brought us together but I'm beginning to wonder. You don't have to worry about people telling me what to do about this. My children want me to be happy and if I am not happen then they will encourage me to leave. My mother will as well and she is a very strong christian But its what I want that counts, what I can live with.

I can stand by him during a trying time, but I can't accept that we will never make love again as God has intended. He insults me by preferring to m and I'm not even sure of the reason anymore. I thought it was ed but it could be anything and his years of drinking could be at fault too. Alcohol can affect your thinking process and perhaps its all caught up to him.

I don't know, all I know if that time is wasting and we could have a beautiful marriage but because of his issues we are growing apart instead. I don't care that he has a po box and I don't care that he does his laundry elsewhere and I don't care if he watches tv all the time. I do care that he thinks I will put up with anything because I love him.

Love isn't something you say, its something you do.

1aokgal 20th August 2011 05:36 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Baroness,

I know you are broken hearted about your marriage today. There is no hell worse than to love a man who has built a wall between and you can't reach him. I understand your pain and hear the anger you feel to be treated as a roomate, less the conversation. It is unforgiveable a man would treat his wife with such neglect.

I told my husband years ago if he wanted another woman he should find one...more power to him. If he wants a woman for sex when overseas, he should just keep his mouth shut and have at it. If he wants a divorce, then pack a bag and get out, as this is my house so he goes, not I. So I was willing to let him have what he wanted. I wasn't going to beg him for charity sex when he shut down on me years ago. The sting of rejection is a poison in the veins. I wanted to know why he chose to live in such an abnormal way, then tell me in the next breath how much he loves me. I learned what I believe is the truth of it pretty much as you have.

One thing I felt was my h. was pretty darned stupid as he was unlikely to find a woman who brought more intelligence or decency into the marriage than I have. There are few women who will go out and hold down two jobs or one who has talent and is committed to bring prosperity to a marriage. He told me always he hit the lottery to find a talented woman like me. I have loved him when he had nothing and few prospects. He always had my respect and love. In a sense, all that loyalty gained me nothing. This isolation of spirit will age a wife, who gives up her life as woman, before her time. While I share my life with the man I love, and he is a model for devoted affection, it is a celebate marriage.

It would be a shame if Baroness spends the next 18 years in a marriage like mine, where sex no longer exists, and affection is a hug and sweet words passing in the hallway. True, I made a gamble on this man who always said he loves me, that he would alter this pattern. He did not. When he is away overseas, he daily sends me loving messages. While he is home he is a dedicated and kind husband. We just don't share a bedroom. We get along great and have an easy relationship. He likes to cook and does nice things for me. There was a time I could have just said..now it's enough. I would have made it just fine financially. I am sure at that time I would have found another man. He devastated the life we shared together.

Baroness should do everything possible to get answers from this man.
Just as he services himself, he shuts her out with no regard for her feelings or needs. Believe me when I say I know what she is going through, because there were times I had to ask God to remove my anger. There were moments when I wished ants would eat out his brain! This m is a pattern that some men share who are especially vulnerable. I read it is a relationship problem when a man withdraws into himself. It is a also lousy addiction from all I read through the years, difficult to treat even with extensive counselling. That husband of hers is happy with himself. My husband went to counselling for while, which altered nothing. There was a better chance for me to fly, than that he would change.

Baroness, I hope you scream, yell and swear at this man and shake him to the core that you won't put up with what is going on there. The money problems you have will all work out, but that pattern going on there will be unlikely to change without a major shakeup. It seems he is pretty set and he realizes you know about it. I bet my bottom dollar that happened in his last marriage or other relationships. This habit doesn't start in middle age, it starts when they grow an organ.

For me, I am fine. I survived. I made the right decision for me. If I were to live this all again from the beginning again, perhaps I am not sure I could live again with that much heartache. I was broken in a thousand pieces for loving him.

I knew he has meant everything to me. I gave my husband a bible at the beginning of our time together, right before we married. I underlined for him MY promise to HIM from that beautiful story of the widow, Ruth 1:16-17.

16 And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:

17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.

I could never stop loving him or ever want to be somewhere else. I have forgiven him everything.

chosen 20th August 2011 08:36 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Baroness I would also recommend that you join a fellowship group at your church, and also a womens group if you can. You need to be around other believers who can support you, pray for you and encourage you and build up your faith and belief that things can get better and that this marriage can thrive.

Chamomile 20th August 2011 09:21 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
baroness

You did change a bit which is good. You used to get very defensive when our observations are given to you out of care (not to harm you) and you expressed dislike in what some of us said but now you are saying these things as your own. You decided to own up some of the things which are difficult to keep denying in your heart. So you have actually listened and now you are accepting things without denial and quite naturally.

I would have said, "why don't you live on your own" a long time ago but I did not say this before because you do sometimes get defensive when someone suggests something. It sometimes irritates you. So I hadn't, until now..Now I see you changed your tune a bit. You are seeing your situation far more realistically. You used to tell me "I trust my husband so I don't need to know etc etc etc...!" But now, you want to know the truth. I think you are far more honest and accepting in the past couple of posts. You have better self-esteem.

B's issues are to do with social issues, his lifestyle not in sync with a marriage. Loss of employment (B). H on social security. His behaviour is that of a Bachelor's. Social deprivation and only recently, B realized that she can access health care. We are talking about someone who's in desperate need here. She worries about becoming homeless.

What on earth is he doing "up in canyon" all day in weekdays. I had thought he must have been doing something to earn his living. Now you have some disability to cope with, osteoathritis in the spine is no fun. I know someone with one and it is hell. As much as I can see how creative work would help for B, not sure if it's wise to focus on that too much right now, whilst the "house is burning down". Also, be careful not to over-strain yourself, people with some genetic predisposition to osteoarthritis could develop other joint/tendon/nerves etc diseases with manual repetitive strains, it creates strain cumulative effects over years. You might end up with another disability unless you take things easy.

This is no ordinary marriage middle class people have. There is an element of stark neglect and abuse (e.g. his "bad mouthing", his foul temper).

I suggest to find out what options are open to you e.g Housing, social security etc. Get out and move on from this. You are not old. 55 years old is like 44 used to be. You are full of energy still. Who can force her to live in misery which she has tried to get out of? He's not in to her (that's what B's complain re. his "M" is about) Set up a small place where you can do things without stress and worries.

One thing. You seem to have over-reliance on men for your happiness and a course of validation of your attractiveness as a female. That is a formula for a disaster once a honeymoon period is over and you are not a spring chicken. That's why I place God FIRST where my heart belongs. All the worldly nonsense suddenly becomes far more insignificant.

Sex is another for you. It's good if you have it going but if that's the only thing good about your marriage and once it's gone, everything falls apart, does that mean to say, "something is not right", don't you think?

I think you are making a huge progress in this. Well done, 1aokgal too! xxxxx

Forever 20th August 2011 02:54 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Baroness,
Your husband is a retired sixty-five year old man. That canyon is the only thing that makes him feel as if he were not in a convalescent home. Being cooped up in a tiny one bedroom apartment does not sit well with men. Mosr men have a garage or yards to putter in...he has neither.

I imagine he feels like a dog at the pound and this, plus TV, is his only link to male sanity. Women are different that way...we are wired to be care takers, men are wired to be workers. He may always be this way, because there is nothing left for him unless he decides he has had enough and tries at 65 years old to get a paying job. This has nothing to do with you as a woman or person...he will be this way with or without you.

You suprised me when you said that you wrote romance novels. I can now see why your expectations are so high in the sexual department. Well, he is an old man now (goog looking to you, but old none the less), losing his ability to keep an erection, and depressed enough with his enviroment and failures in life to not even care. He has made all the adjustments that he could, by not hanging every night at the bar, and the TV is his substitute for that...this he did for you because he is a married man now.

If he mb's it is because he still needs the release, but cannot sustain an erection suitable for intercourse. Try not to take it so personal???

I am now off to Mexico for tons of dental work. Will be back in six days.

Take care and God Bless you.

chosen 20th August 2011 03:03 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I believe that reading romance novels(and I guess writing them as well)can be the female equivalent of men looking at porn. Both lead to discontentment with our spouse or partner and both are fantasy. No man can live up to the hero in a romance novel(who isnt real anyway) and no women can live up to the 25 year old girl who pretends to be widly erotic and desperate for sex, in a porn film.
My husbands ex loved historical romance films, and made him watch them with her, presumably in the hope that he may become like the effimimate hero's in them. and become what she thought she wanted. He hated them, and fortunately I hate them as well and dont make him watch anything.
Forever makes some pretty good points actually.

1aokgal 20th August 2011 04:17 PM

Baronness
 
Chamomile...

You always make astute observations and are concise to categorize the ongoing problems. You have a scientific mindset as you are so rational.
Your clear thinking and fairness is fresh air here, where religious extremism loses touch with truth, that all marriages aren't meant to survive.

I don't see this marriage as ever being a "regular folks" kind of marriage. Like you, I think if this guy has got enough juice left to go work free up the canyon, than he should work a shift at McDonalds', 7-11, or other employer that routinely hires senior workers. His "good old boy" outlook likes the the outdoors, while he works free to escape the house. He put no plan in place for his retirement years and changing marital beds cleaned him out before Baroness arrived on the scene. He can't be depended on to keep the lights paid now because, without her half income from the job B had, he can't keep the roof overhead.

He needed a woman like B, who asked few questions and accepted him when they hung out at the bars. He was a charming companion when lit! The fact is, he has isolated her and brow beats her now, because she is not emoloyed. He could get help for the ED but he doesn't care enough to do that and lives just for himself. B was willing to cook and wait on him and hold a job which brought half the income into the house before job loss. How handy was that! She was also quick to defend him if anyone questioned why she did these things.

Now he is verbally abusive when he pokes his head out from the TV. His personality is much in common with drinkers, with a narcissistic mean streak. A day in this hostile environment is not going to provide a usable errection or even some friendly affection. It is no wonder B wishes she were elsewhere. Personally, I wonder if he has personality changes consistent with possible early dementia. His moods are marose, changeable and irritable. She also reports he doesn't have a lot of recall about simple things.

A flow of side income from B (with her crafts) would help, but there needs to be some major income alterations in that household for these two to survive. If he folds from a one bedroom apartment to live on a puny social security check, I doubt they will survive anywhere. I think sex is not the important issue now, it is the need for both to find a dependable other income. As long as they do live together, it would be nice if he acknowledged her presence.

Baroness is a nice lady who may have chosen the wrong man at the wrong time in her life. They need a lot of intervention to survive the econemy and each other. I hope she knows we all want her happiness and pray for her.

Helen_uk 20th August 2011 04:27 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Secrets in any relationship concern me . Whilst I don't think it's automatically necessary to have one joint bank account , I do think finances and the like should be transparent . Secrecy smacks of deception to me .

If you don't have the full picture how can you make an educated decision about the validity of the marriage ?

1aokgal 20th August 2011 04:27 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Chosen..

Women read romance novels like kids read "Cinderella" and "Red Riding Hood." Reading entertains, and fantasy is just that. Are you into book burning now? Be careful, thats' an extremeist view that everyone read from an approved list of books.

Baroness 20th August 2011 05:37 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I will address your comments one at a time but I do thank you for all the things you have said to help me. Chamomile, I realized I was being overly sensitive at certain times but it kind of depends what is said to me. I have my own mind and can think for myself so I don't like being told what to do and this is what made me sensitive.

It is probably because of my mother and others always telling me what to do, what is right to do according to God, that made me feel like they thought I didn't have a brain of my own. I am open to suggestions but I have a problem with certain posters only seeing things from my husband's side and telling me I just have to deal with it.

He loves to go up to the canyon and everyone likes him. On the weekends he mans the kiosk where he take money for the parking and during the week he either paints for them and when school is in he is teaching kids of all ages about wildlife and the canyon history and is quite good at it. I told you all that he used to be a history teacher and so he enjoys this and they love him and they are his friends.

Perhaps I do have a problem with grouping a man's attention to my belief in my own attraction but that doesn't mean I have an over reliance on men, its just that men have always thought I was pretty and fun to be around and enjoyed sex with me so having one act like he is no longer attracted to me was quite a blow and one i've never experienced before.

This morning I went out into the front room and put myself in a mind set as to how I would feel if he was gone and I lived alone. I would have panic at first, because I have reacted this way before when he'd left me after a fight for the night. Then I thought of how lonely I would be and how much I would miss him.

I came to the conclusion that I am not ready to leave. I still love him and even with his problems, he is still a good man and if I led you to believe he has a foul temper and bad mouths me, then I am sorry. He doesn't have a foul temper but gets frustrated when he thinks he might lose more money out of his social security.

He said he knows it isn't my fault because I lost my job but you have to understand that this is a man who has always supplied for his family and not just to get by either. He's always had money because of his painting and has bought 3 homes and now he's in a position where he has to worry about having enough money in case something happens or the government takes more out of his checks.

Eventually he will get the settlement once his ex wife pays the attorney and she can't hold out forever and then he will have well over a million dollars but that hasn't happened yet and its taken years to go through this and he is frustrated because he knows he has this money but can't get to all of it because of legal matters.

This man is usually always nice to me and thoughtful and where he doesn't have sex with me anymore I think it might be a combination of worrying about our household and the ed and also repercussions from drinking for so long. He is taking his vitamins and seems to be doing better lately. I also put myself in the mindset of having an affair, going off on a saturday and returning later and coming in and seeing him and I can't do this.

I have come so close to God that I can't do something to mess up my relationship with him because now my time with God is more important than anything and when I was praying this morning I asked for a miracle, in fact, claimed a miracle in our lives. Deciding to stay in the marriage is not a case of 'its better to put up with him or live alone'.

I'm sure I could adapt to being alone but it was the missing him part that hit me like a bolt of lightening. I asked God to take away the anger and to help me to stop complaining so much to myself mainly, about him. There may come a time that I will need to go it alone but the time is not now and not just because of finances. God asked me to trust him and I must do this and he has not released me from this marriage.

I thank you for being honest with me and I think I will be okay as long as I have God on my side and he can do all things. He can work this out and he can help me make it on my own and he can also bring me someone else that is good for me. I believe in the power of God. I am not sticking my head in the sand but I am also not saying that God can't fix this marriage. Only time will tell.

Chosen, reading romance novels is not the equivalent to watching porn. Porn is basic sex with strangers and they are actors and there is nothing romantic about it. When I write novels lately I don't even put sex in it. They are mystery/suspense with romance but I haven't written or read any in quite a while. I am not expecting my h to be like a character out of one of my novels. Those men are perfect, my h is not.

I am very good at writing these and enjoy it but I am not doing that at this time but when I do it is centered on the mystery and not the sex or even how great the hero is. I can also invent any kind of situation and man I want and I like that. I haven't traveled much out of california so it gives me a chance to go places.

Forever, I want to thank you so much for what you said in your post and you had some good points. You are right in that the canyon is the only thing he has, his only outlet to make a difference and he does that, he has many awards for the hours he puts in and he knows the mayor because of this and more importantly, he loves it up there in the outdoors.

I did too when I was going up there. He is the type of man who has to do something and the canyon and tv is what he does and I realize he has given up the bar for me and so he has to have something to do. He cannot work full time and he works only a few hours at a time when he does paint and this is the first job he has done for free.

He's done 3 homes in the past year and was paid very well for it even though he didn't charge them what he would have professionally but the point was that he liked to do it, he enjoys it and I want him to be happy. You are right, he would be this way with or without me and I try not to take it personally but its hard when you are used to your h being one way and that suddenly changes.

Going up to the canyon is not an escape from our home, its just that he has to have something to do other than watch tv and this is what he has chosen. 1aokgal, he is not the McDonalds type of person because he wouldn't be too good at customer service. He gets impatient when someone is slow and if they insulted him or be rude he would let them know right off where they could go.

He has paid the bills and we've been fine but he just started worrying about his money from the news, which he watches all the time and I didn't pay for half of the household bills. I gave him money for half the rent but he would turn around and buy groceries with it and so it was actually going back into the house.

I want to clarify that he is not mean to me and does not have a mean streak. He is not purposely hurting me by not sleeping with me. I think he has the conditions I mentioned earlier in this post and I think he is dealing with it the way any man would. I think he m because he is not sexually dead yet but is afraid of what would happen if he couldn't stay erect like the last time we were together.

Yes, he could go and try to get help and yes he could tell me the reason why he's not sleeping with me anymore is because he can't perform but he will not do that and I don't want to put him through the embarrassment. This doesn't help my situation any but I don't think its deliberate. From knowing him as well as I do, I am assuming I know the reasons behind this whole thing.

There are certain facts, things that have happened that lead me to these conclusions and all of them are factors into what is happening and that is why he keeps telling me he loves me and kissing me and hugging me because he doesn't want me to think he doesn't care and leave him. He's said as much to me.

With all that said, it still doesn't help my frustration in not being with him. I cannot force him to talk to me but I know how to handle him in that he will want to talk to me. I can't force him to try and make love to me but I can make it so that he is comfortable enough to try and that means no demands and i'm not the demanding type usually. Only if I feel I'm being disrespected.

I have started requiring information from him more now though and he has no problem with answering my questions, I just don't like it that he doesn't just tell me without me having to ask. Most of the time I am tossed between showing him that I'm unhappy with this situation so that he will know that it is not okay, and just being happy with my life and showing him love and causing him to realize that I love him anyway, regardless of us not sleeping together.

I am always fighting the battle of these two feelings but as I am not a negative person it is hard to be mad just to let him know that I am unhappy, so I have been doing both. Not overly talkative and suspicious of him m. God said to trust him and so I must. I know women who live alone and have no man in their life at all.

No man loves them or they can't trust the one who says he loves them. For me to have a man who truly loves me is a gift most of the time. Sometime I feel like I truly hate him and other times I feel a lot of love for him. Mostly I feel unbelief that he hasn't tried to make love to me because it used to be so good.

And then it all boils down to how hard this must be for him. He is dealing with a lot too, worry about not being able to pay the rent, his ed or the effects of too much drinking possibly warping his mind at times and the fear that I'm going to bring up the fact that he doesn't sleep with me and the possibility of me finding someone else or just leaving him period.

Add onto that a active man who has always worked and was thrown into retirement early because of his back and suddenly he has no job to go to and has to do something with his time other than watch tv so he is big enough to go up to the canyon and offer his services.

I have volunteered up there too and I can tell you that there is nothing like doing something for someone without getting anything in return. You get such a sense of accomplishment and pride in just doing it, regardless of getting paid for it. It seems to mean more when you aren't getting paid for it. I don't know if you can understand that but that's the way it is.

When we would come home from the canyon together my whole attitude would be different. I would almost be euphoric in what I had just done and proud to wear the ranger uniform. When the two women left whom I was such good friends with, I left also because the woman up there now feels threatened by my administrative skills since she has none.

She is unprofessional and speaks without thinking and I had to put her in her place a couple of times and it just wasn't worth it. My h also had problems with her. I volunteered up there because to do so I had to pass the monrovia city requirements which was a background check and now I am qualified to work for the city which pays well.

More than that, I went up there so that he and I would have something in common and we did do so well when we were doing it together and so I may go up there but I don't want any complications with this woman. It is beautiful up there and you get an almost spiritual feeling and that is why it is so important to him and it was to me.

I would like to end this rather long post with this; he is more than a h and lover to me. He is my constant friend and companion. Life with him can be difficult and it can also be very good. Our relationship has changed and I knew it would happen eventually because of our age difference but it hadn't mattered for many years. I think I subconsciously want it the way it was in the beginning but that isn't realistic and changes do occur. Perhaps I'm being selfish in that I was it the way it was for the rest of my life but people get older and suffer the consequences of the lives they have led.

I am too young to live without sex and I'm not used to it from any man and because it is happening with this man whom I still love makes it even harder for me. I see him sometimes and I just want him, I've had a strong sex drive since I discovered I wasn't frigid and go confidence sexually and as a woman. I know it must frustrate him that he can't perform as he used to but that doesn't excuse him for not trying and at least saying things to make it better. I believe he is handling it the best way according to the way he thinks.

He has a lot of pride as a man as I do as a woman and so this must be very hard and yet I don't think he realizes how how it is for me. This is not just happening to him but to us and I think he needs to realize that. His frustrations with our finances are understandable since he's always taken care of everything but a man has certain responsibilities towards his wife and perhaps he feels he is failing in providing for me financially and physically.

He doesn't go to god like I do. He isn't just trusting god although he says he does but he needs constant contact with God and he forgets this and has admitting that he needs to just trust God. He hasn't been poor like I have been so this is new to him and this is what is causing such frustration. True love is trying to understand how the other person feels which I have a knack for but he does not. Maybe his fear of failing me in the sack is more overwhelming than trying and failing. His need for privacy regarding his finances is something he has to work on but he has come a long way.

He doesn't handle things right sometimes but I feel he thinks he's doing the best he can and he has said those exact words to me and he has also said he doesn't want me worrying about finances but he had a bad moment the other day when he was expressing his fears to me but at least he was expressing them and told me right out that he has to talk to me instead of keeping it inside. I know I have expressed to you my anger and frustration and I have also expressed my understanding of how hard this must be.

When I read the bible and pray I handle things much better and I haven't done that for a couple of days as I was caught up in other things but I got back to it this morning and I also read this little booklet called The Word For You Today and God speaks to me through this book. I always get something out of it and today this is what I got out of it; You must look to God for your answer and not people. You must keep believing in what God says. And you must not be influenced by people who do not share your vision. You must also position yourself to receive.

Baroness 21st August 2011 02:31 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Helen, its not exactly a secret. I know how much he gets from social security and I eventually found out how much he gets from his attorney but I don't want to find out things later. He's always been up front with how much he gets from social security but when I found out he was getting money from his attorney and didn't tell me, I hit the roof.

We'd been waiting for years and for him to tell me it didn't have anything to do with me unhinged me and we had a big fight. This was years ago but because I was drinking vodka then he kind of focused on the fight we had because of vodka and never addressed what he said to me and I was so shocked that I acted like that while drinking that I forgot about it.

You see, when I would drink vodka and find out something that I didn't know and he didn't tell me, I immediately lash into him and there is a scene. I'm not drinking vodka now and haven't for two years so he can't blame anything on that and things have been kind of peaceful. His excuse was that he wanted to surprise me with a trip or something but I was still upset.

How could he see me day in and day out and not tell me about this? I quit asking for awhile because the answer was always the same and it got to where he didn't want to talk about it because he would tell me he was getting his money and then he wouldn't so he didn't want to get my hopes up. Fine. But when he actually got money from his attorney he should have told me and I would think he'd want to tell me.

I don't agree with what he did and that isn't the only time he did that which was why I was so upset. When we first moved in here we were waiting for insurance money and his storage that was destroyed and we decided when he got it we would buy a big screen tv.

Time would go by and no word from the insurance and so one day I asked him if he heard from them and he said yes and he bought a Harley Davidson motorcycle and wanted to surprise me by picking me up at work. The problem was that he can't see well enough out of one eyes to pass a motor cycle license and he had to have surgery.

I was upset that he hadn't told me but went out and looked at this motor cycle out of town, no less, and didn't say anything until I asked. How can you do all that and not share it with the woman you pick up from work? On what planet is it okay to do something like this and not tell your wife?

And how could he do it? How could he keep this secret, no matter what the reasons were. I started to not trust him after that and he knows how I hate to find out things later. I never understood this and even doubted there was a storage or a motorcycle but I heard him talk to my brother about it and he would never do that unless it was true.

He makes it hard to believe him or to think there's something else I don't know. Of course that was awhile back and nothing has happened like that since then but it took me a long time to believe him. He won't lie to me if I ask him a question right out, and he thinks keeping things from me isn't lying but I think it is.

He's been very honest about things since but he still is a very private person, and being an open and forthcoming person, I don't understand that. There are a lot of things I have to live with and have had to put up with, not just the lack of sex, and that is why I get so frustrated sometimes.

I even thought at one time that he was cheating on me and that's why he didn't sleep with me but I know he loves me and I eventually had proof that it was ed but you see what I mean? Once he kept a couple of things from me my faith in him wavered. I used to ride a Harley so I didn't mind him buying it, but I didn't like the way I found out.

Just like when he was going to the bars. He would leave the house for somewhere and then I wouldn't see him for hours and I would call the bar and there he was. He'd tell me he was coming home and wouldn't come home right away. I told him repeatedly that I didn't care if he went to the bar, I just didn't want to have to worry about where he was.

It got to where when he left the house I couldn't trust that he would come home and it would make me so mad. I don't care if he wants to go and hang out with his drunken friends, just have the decency to tell me about it. So what I did is while he was up at the canyon I hopped a bus and went down to our bar and stayed there all day and into the night.

I wanted him to see how it felt. My daughter called and he said he didn't know where I was but that he was keeping the phone right by him. I came home later that night and went straight to my room and went to bed. He wasn't mad at me but he said he'd been worried about me all day and night and I said, 'Good! Welcome to my world!' and he never did that again.

Helen_uk 21st August 2011 02:52 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Baroness I'm the same as you , my first husband turned out to be a fantasist , I was kept in the dark about quite a few things . My last LTR was a liar and after that I've always insisted on the whole truth . It's a bit of a bugbear of mine .

I just think if there is complete openness in a relationship then everyone knows what's what .

My last ex used to say to me that he valued his privacy , I think there is a very thin line between privacy and secrecy and not mentioning something important is lying by omission .

It's so difficult when you love someone and want to trust them implicitly but your gut feeling is telling you not to.

Baroness 21st August 2011 08:53 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Yes, in your heart you want to believe that they are keeping nothing from you but you can't ignore signs that cause you to mistrust them and also not knowing if you are imagining a problem or not. It's like with the m. I know very well he isn't doing it every time I walk into the room, but since I don't know for sure I'm always thinking he is.

The things I told you are in the past and I haven't had any recent issues but telling you about it reminded me of how unfair he has been in the past, but the past is the past and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. As a person and a woman, I don't feel a great need to know everything about his finances or what he thinks, but I just don't want to find out later that I was kept in the dark because that really upsets me.

We have always had an easygoing relationship because neither one of us makes demands and this is good for both of us, but sometimes he acts like we're just dating or something so he doesn't have to tell me everything. But he is the way he is and I knew this when I got involved with him and he does love me and hopefully he will learn from his past mistakes.

I am a easy going person and not demanding at all but there are certain things I will insist upon and honesty is one of them and I don't care if he is deluding himself into thinking it isn't lying but just something he hasn't told me. He already knows this upsets me so he has no excuse if this happens again. I hate to be on edge regarding him and I already have to deal with the lack of sex.

Things are good between us now but not overly affectionate. We're friends and yet he loves me and I know this but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't demand a lot from him. This works both ways. I didn't want a demanding or needy man. I'm still an individual and I didn't want a man turning me into his version of what he thinks I should be and my h does not do that.

However; I don't think he understands what real love is. Sometimes its sacrifice and going out of your way to make sure your partner feels okay and that your actions haven't hurt them in any way. He is concerned about how I am taking this no sex thing so he tries harder to show affection and to tell me he loves me.

I will keep evaluating the situation, something I shouldn't even have to do, and see how it goes. I'm not in a position to support myself right now but when that time does come I will have to think about where we are because I'm certainly not going to grow older and die without ever having sex again. There is also the problem with his need to keep things to himself.

That needs to change and it has changed quite a bit since we first got together and I could even live with it except for not knowing and finding out later because that makes me feel like a fool. One time when I questioned him about it he said I should have known, the signs were there. That made me even more mad and I said I shouldn't have to dissect signs and play guessing games.

That was a long time ago and I know he trusts me more than any other person. I may be easy going and loving and very forgiving but there comes a time when and if it is done again, that I have to say enough. I'm not talking about the sex thing now, I'm referring to honesty. Today I am happy though.

I finished my latest hat and it is wonderful and completely different than what I thought it would be. I think I am obsessed with making these hats, the more I make them the better they are and I just want to keep designing these hats. It takes my mind off of everything else and i'm having a great time in the process.

I am a little concerned about making money doing this but 1aokgal has assured me that it can be done and I must trust her since she knows more about than I do, all I know is that this is a fantastic way to earn a living and I don't mind hours of hard work because of the results.

I have been looking for part time jobs so maybe I can get one since I do have experience. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.

1aokgal 22nd August 2011 01:59 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Hi Baroness...

The best thing might be for you to keep a diary, as you did before. That will let you go back to reread your thoughts and feelings and give you clarity on your marriage. The problems seem to be communication, financial, and sex. The communication seems a doorway to the other two areas.

I agree that the most critical issue pressed by your husband, seems to be finding a job, or at least work to income flow. The hatmaking you enjoy was my idea, as creativity does give one an outlet. I told you that victorian bonnets made with authentic patterns or reasonably authentic fabrics DO have a market. I know because I've sold them for years. I know other milliners who have waiting lists.

If you now buy vintage hats to recover them with feathers, glitter or veiling, that is not the same thing. I am sure if these hats are attractive, someone might buy them. You must have some idea of your market. What is the market? Is it a church hat or who would buy this item?

If you want to sell bonnets or hats to ladies who wear victorian clothing or is in theatre, that is a higher standard. One has to sew from an authentic pattern with a solid design. These standards are high, because the ladies have expendable income to spend on their hobby. They likely belong to a victorian club and realize others judge their hat. They will buy a fine bonnet or hat to accessorize an outfit they may have paid a thousand dollars or more to have made for them. Believe me, a pricey hat is needed but they won't buy a cheap vintage straw with a bow. So give yourself time to learn a craft. You can sell hats with lesser standards to begin, but you may just cover your costs and get a modest profit, which is the cost of learning.

Chamomile 22nd August 2011 10:27 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 65075)
Chamomile...

You always make astute observations and are concise to categorize the ongoing problems. You have a scientific mindset as you are so rational.
Your clear thinking and fairness is fresh air here, where religious extremism loses touch with truth, that all marriages aren't meant to survive.

I don't see this marriage as ever being a "regular folks" kind of marriage. Like you, I think if this guy has got enough juice left to go work free up the canyon, than he should work a shift at McDonalds', 7-11, or other employer that routinely hires senior workers. His "good old boy" outlook likes the the outdoors, while he works free to escape the house. He put no plan in place for his retirement years and changing marital beds cleaned him out before Baroness arrived on the scene. He can't be depended on to keep the lights paid now because, without her half income from the job B had, he can't keep the roof overhead.

He needed a woman like B, who asked few questions and accepted him when they hung out at the bars. He was a charming companion when lit! The fact is, he has isolated her and brow beats her now, because she is not emoloyed. He could get help for the ED but he doesn't care enough to do that and lives just for himself. B was willing to cook and wait on him and hold a job which brought half the income into the house before job loss. How handy was that! She was also quick to defend him if anyone questioned why she did these things.

A flow of side income from B (with her crafts) would help, but there needs to be some major income alterations in that household for these two to survive. If he folds from a one bedroom apartment to live on a puny social security check, I doubt they will survive anywhere. I think sex is not the important issue now, it is the need for both to find a dependable other income. As long as they do live together, it would be nice if he acknowledged her presence.

Baroness is a nice lady who may have chosen the wrong man at the wrong time in her life. They need a lot of intervention to survive the econemy and each other. I hope she knows we all want her happiness and pray for her.

Dear 1aokgal xxx

You make me blush so much with your compassionate, kindest and thoughtful comments about me as always. :) *Sending my warm Hugs*

You have always been so exceptional in ways you are supporting your "friends" whom you genuinely care about and I do so admire your valuable words of professional guidance in a number of different situations which I have personally witnessed.

baroness has been making a huge progress slowly yet steadily since she had started posting on this site and she's right that she shouldn't be the one who should move out (if the situation becomes further strained x)

Your love for others is so admirable. Yes, I agree that humanity needs to come first, before divinity sometimes. I believe that God is within your pure soul when you post in your care and love towards our brothers and sisters.

xxxxxx

Chamomile 22nd August 2011 10:35 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Baroness (Post 65080)

I will address your comments one at a time but I do thank you for all the things you have said to help me. Chamomile, I realized I was being overly sensitive at certain times but it kind of depends what is said to me. I have my own mind and can think for myself so I don't like being told what to do and this is what made me sensitive.

It is probably because of my mother and others always telling me what to do, what is right to do according to God, that made me feel like they thought I didn't have a brain of my own. I am open to suggestions butI have a problem with certain posters only seeing things from my husband's side and telling me I just have to deal with it.

baroness xxx

You are a changed person in a very positive way! I agree, no one should tell you what to do. You have your own mind and you are far more self-aware these days thanks to your great sister of 1aokgal and her tireless commitment to guide you in your journey.

Good luck with your creative projects. You seem to be really good at what you are doing! :)

Hugs xxxx

1aokgal 22nd August 2011 08:57 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Chamomile...

Thank you for you comments on my postings.:p I spent some years fighting anger and also felt victimized and, "poor little me...why is this happening? How can he do this to me? What did I do to turn him off,etc.)
I heard all this in Baroness post along with the inward scream that reminded me of myself. You didn't know on this site, but I made a personal phone call her and we talked.

There was a need to alter things for Baroness, because she has nothing to do with his problems. Her mindset was poison which disables a person. I made suggestions to assist an interest and where she could alter at least, the income for a time. It is a little bandaide, but creativity can replace the feeling of helplessness. One has control over some factors and there is peace. That assists the ability to talk rationally with her husband and perhaps work out some issues.

Employment at this time is almost impossible to find. Her disability claim stands a two year waiting time. While I understand he likes going to the canyon, he should only be getting paid sideline jobs. Many men his age will do that for these times. Baroness is quick to defend his need to go be a "guy" thing, but it defies the reality of their economic needs. When a guy talks about folding a one bedroom apartment, he should be doing nothing freebie. That is my opinion.

It is great to see her composure is better. She enjoys the sewing which is a peaceful task. She can turn her interest and talent into a really good biz. I know more than a few who have done very well with these items.

We all realize when we post here we may not always like the advice we hear. Sometimes we lack clarity that others see from a distance. The great thing is there is a lot of problem solving collective in years of living here. All this advice is given free to one who needs input. While we all came to ASK, many stay to GIVE, and that is the humanity here. We do care.

Will her marriage survive the lack of intimacy and his need for "space" and
the tough times? Times are bad and many marriages will be tested. We hope things will go better for her.


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