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Caroli 2nd July 2004 03:54 AM

masturbation, porn and marriage
I am going to get married soon and we, my fiancé am me, have been talking a lot about different issues. Two of them, porn and masturbation. I am confused about that now and I wish that I could hear what other people think about it and I would appreciate if other people share their experiences with me.

He said that he can see himself masturbating and looking at his porn after we get married. He said that for him masturbating and having sex with me are two different issues.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel comfortable about that. When I know that he has been masturbating it’s kind of difficult for me to feel aroused, it’s just something that turn me off. I can not understand why if I am there for him he needs to masturbate sometimes. That made me feel like not enough for him. It’s not weird that you need to look at other naked bodies when you can be sharing your body with your wife?. What is the difference between cheat on me and look at porn? Anyways, he is looking another naked women, maybe he is not interacting with them but he is thinking about them when he is masturbating.

Our sexual life until now has been really good. I know that he doesn’t want to hurt me and when he saw that I was not feeling comfortable about that he deleted his porn from his computer. However, he said to me that he wants to be honest with me, that he miss his porn and that he thinks that when we are going to be married maybe he wants to look at your porn and masturbate from time to time (“If I have a high sex drive I don’t think it would hurt our relationship if I masturbated 2 or even occasionally 3 times a week, although I do not foresee it happening to that frequency’).

He said that is something completely normal for a guy to look at porn, even if he is married. He said that “Most men hide porn from their wives Because they know they cannot talk with them about without them trying to make the husband feel guilty or hurt themselves so they hide it because it is just something that they feel that they have to do”.

Am I doing a big deal of something that is a stupid thing? I wish I could hear the experiences of married woman and man that needed to deal (or are dealing) with this kind of problems.

I really appreciate your comments,


bongbong 2nd July 2004 07:25 AM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
most men are just horny monsters!!!

Liz 2nd July 2004 10:16 AM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
I don't know what your husband means by normal. Men do enjoy seeing pretty women, not necessarily without clothes on. I don't think porn helps a marriage. It should be enough for both partners to enjoy each other. To me it's about fidelity - if my man wants to look at other women naked or having sex then it means he's not being faithful to me and it would hurt. The other trouble is that some men get addicted and looking at other women in this way blunts their response to their wife's advances.

Masturbation is a more tricky area. Men do get to the point where they have strong physical needs. This can be difficult for them to deal with if their wife is away or not well.

I think it depends on how you see sex. Is it about giving pleasure to your husband or wife or is it about getting pleasure or physical relief?

If you are worried about the porn issues there are some resources here.

In the end the important thing is that you both show respect and love for each other and stand by the vows and commitments you make to each other when you marry.


**tameka** 2nd July 2004 02:41 PM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
im getting married too and my fiance has porn EVERYWHERE!!! i think once in a while it is OK (i guess) but all the movies, all over the computer, all the magazines . . . . thats a little ridiculous. i think he's goin through a faze. i also dont think it means that youre not pleasing him or that hes cheating. just let him know once in a while its ok but it has to be limited. its sorta like alcohol i guess you could say . . . you gotta know your limits!!! Hope this heLps a little!!! Good luck and dont stress it too much "BOYS WILL BE BOYS" (lol) just let him know how you feel.


Caroli 3rd July 2004 02:29 AM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
Thanks to everyone for the replies, I am reading and reading and we are going to have a long talk tonight about that.


help 3rd July 2004 07:34 PM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
Ouch! I feel for you. My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 and 1/2 years. My husband had never before been involved with porn until about one month ago,when I found out, it really hurt me/ our relationship. In fact it still hurts, not so much because he lied to me about it. But because it makes me feel as though I was worthless to him sexually and that he was no longer attracted to me. It still hurts when ever I hear or see anything that reminds me of the situation. I try so hard to feel/be attractive for him once again but there is always that thought of not being good/attractive enough for him. This has really hurt our relationship and I wouldnot reccomend getting into a relationship with a man that is going to continue to do those things that make you feel uncomfortable, no matter how much you love him at that time. The question you need to ask yourself is if you can live with someone who you love that makes you feel that uncomfortable about your self all of the time. I am not saying that he is abusive in anyway shape or form. But I do infact know first hand that porn destroys more things/marriages/relationships/families than does more than good. Studies show that a man that gets seriously involved in porn is more likely to view woman as they are only there for a man's sexual gratification. In effect Men are more likely to rape, sexually molest, sexually asault woman and children.

Yolly 8th July 2004 07:56 AM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
I am married recently. Before marriage we had a lot of phone sex when my boy friend and me had masterbation at times and it was totally thinking of having sex with ourselves. We were stayiny in a distant place that time. Now we are married and are not doing mastrrbation. We are very happy sexually. Our thought on previous masturbation even turns us on. So I think masturbation after marriage, porn etc. are just announching the gap between the couple. It should be filled up by your own sexual activities not by porn.

jasminebose 9th July 2004 12:48 PM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
Hi Carol,

I disagree with some of the other posters. Although I don't like my husband watching porn (we've been married nearly 2 years) I don't think it is harming our relationship or is more likely to turn him into a rapist! I think it is often the case that men's sex drives are greater than women's, they are also more interested in variety and are more visual than we are. These are biological brain differences not choices. I try and rationalise it a bit when my husband looks at porn. It is not a reflection on you or how much he loves/desires you but a natural difference between men and women. I read in a book that women saying 'you can't watch porn' is like a man telling his wife 'you can't watching the shopping channel anymore'. You get the point! Window shopping is not buying...

mrso 9th July 2004 01:06 PM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
i found out about 5 moths ago just before our second child was born we will be married 1 year august at first i was angry why did he need this?
whats wrong with me? did he not love me ?
so after we spoke and i had calmed down i thought i would try to be on his side at least then i would know he was looking and how oftern
it hurts he tells me now he doesnt look but i still search the computer for files just to see
not sure we are over this i feel dirty used and very confused our sex live has changed more him than me he hasnt touched me in over a month which for us is too long but i try to get on and stay strong for the children i read his emails and check up behind his back i am sure he is still doing it but have no prove

smackie9 10th July 2004 05:11 PM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
Masterbation is a normal part of our sexual lives. If God didn't want us to do it he would have put our sex parts in the middle of our backs where we can't reach! LOL! And as for porn, sex isn't dirty. Sexual fantasy isn't a bad thing either. Sex is a gift and should be enjoyed. Explore. Try new things with in reason. Women enjoy porn too. Girls, we burned our bras in the 60's for a reason. Equality! If it's accepted that men enjoy it then why can we?

lissa 5th August 2004 11:56 PM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
I also don't agree that because a man watches porn this will make him a rapist! I do however believe it will destroy your relationship. I found out a few years ago that my husband had porn. This man was my world, my rock and I would have died for him on the spot, but all that changed. Initially it wasn't even the porn that was the problem, more the secrecy and sneaking about, the what i perceived to be his enjoyment at hidding porn from me and the l deceit. I tried everything, ,i asked him to stop as I felt it was inappropriate to have this material in a house where children live, i threatened to leave and in the end, sick of all his lies and hidding his stash, i said have what you want as i was too tired to argue. He informed me that all men have porn, i'm uptight and that other women don't mind, so neither should I. Basically he does as he pleases.
It got really bad at one point and he only slept with me a handful of times in 4 years. (i actually got pregnant because i wasn't taking precautions as we slept together so rarely.) I have been on anti depressants over his behaviour towards me, I didn't know how far away he could push me. AS i lay in bed one night i heard him groaning over some naked girl on the computer and i just wanted to die. Needlees to say i lay there crying when all i wanted was a little bit of love and attention. For 4 years my husband masturbated over porn at least once and usually more times a day. Because of this we didn't even consumate our marriage for a week.
I wouldn't regard myself as unattractive,was certainly no prude in the sex department and was still in my early twenties at this point. On rare nights out, hen nights and such, i got lots of male attention when all i wanted was a hug from anybody, usually my best friend stepped in here. Once things had got to the lowest ebb, me picking his used tissues up that he had left on the floor and my daughter finding a tape, we went to councelling. Along came promises of of don't leave me i'll stop, but he never did, he just lied some more. Now with my 7th wedding anniversary approaching and my 30th birthday nearing all i can think about is how desperately unhappy porn has made me. People(men) say i doesn't mean anything, thats not how it feels when you lie in bed night after night, near enough begging your husband to come with you, only for him to say he'll come to bed later.
Now however we do sleep togeter, after councelling he still has the porn, but he sleepswith me also(nice of him). He says hes a changed person, things got out of hand but he's in control of the situation now. He also said he had a high sex drive, then why not sleep with me. And if thats the case why need porn, why not just masturbate without it. When we sleep together now it is just sex, he says he loves me, but i'm not really interested. Its not that i dont love him, i dont know if i do or dont really it s more i'm numb to him, sometimes, often i wish he'd just go away, but then how would i pay the bills. I feel trapped in an marriage, that if you forget about the porn issue is a good marriage,but one which makes me sad. When i think about our early years together, the love and trust, it's like that person i loved is dead. And no matter how nice he is to me a barrier will always be there, because i can't be hurt like that again.
For instance i would never initiate sex, i firmly believe he made a choice, porn instead of his wife.And now when he sleeps with me its in my head that he'd rather be pleasing himself on the computer. The porn, the hurt, the lies, the continually being pushed away night after night ruined my marriage. Yes he was an addict and i know a lot of men don't use porn this obsessively. There are lots more humiliating details i could tell you about, but you don't need me feeling sorry for myself when you need advice. My only advice would be, decide before you marry him can you put up with the porn yes or no and if the answer is no i personally dont think you should put your self through years of heartache. In his defence he didn't lie to you and in my experience that counts for a lot.

good luck

Just Me 6th August 2004 12:27 AM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I feel so sad for you! I also know exactly what you mean by feeling rejected sexually, etc. My husband was into the whole porn/masturbation thing as well. I'm sorry, but I think the "men are more visual" thing is often used by men as an excuse for their porn. If it doesn't mean anything to them then why would most of them be very upset if they found their wives masturbating to porn? The same reason we're upset--they would feel that we preferred the guys in the porn to them. There are some really good message boards online for women (and men) whose spouses have been involved in porn and other types of internet infidelity. One of them is on msn.com and is called "for those hurt by Internet Infidelity". You e-mail the group and then they give you permission to join. I think it would help you so much to communicate with others who have had similar experiences.

--Just Me

chelle 6th August 2004 08:59 PM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
Dear just meThanks for your advice, I'll certainly check the web site out

jennyj 9th August 2004 01:02 AM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
He may just have an addiction to these things? maybe it is nothing for you to worry about? though I must say, alarm bells are ringing here!

I would be devasted if my husband had to use this method of satisfaction. Of course men look at lovely women and women look at dishy guys too, its natural.

He does seem to go quite far with his masturbation issues though???mmm addicted to it perhaps??? Then again at least he is open and honest about it all, better finding out now than he hide it all and you find out later on when you marry and he has kept it secret from you.

If you find it very uncomfortable to live with now, I dont think there will be much chnage in the future. I cant see his fascination with it dying down to staisfy yu. But I wouldn't know maybe a man can throw his experience of it in here? we will be able to understand better then. We think :) You may feel second best in a relationship like this. If it was me I'd feel a right failure! Be strong tell him how you feel. If it still revolts you, maybe you should seek advice about guys that do this in their every day lives or find someone else. Ooooooooops harsh words sorry.

Ilah 24th August 2004 10:29 AM

Re: masturbation, porn and marriage
I am reading a lot about this subject and I hear so many of the same excuses as to why men toss off to porn. They're visual creatures, not wired for monogamy etc, etc.
It appears to me that women are being conditioned into accepting men going off and using porn whilst their own instincts, and I do mean instincts and not feelings are being bulldozed. There is a very good reason why women feel insecure and threatened by porn because "in the wild", which men so often refer to as their justification for porn, shows interest in another woman it's an immediate threat to her and her offsprings survival. That to me is one hell of a big instinct to suppress and the vast majority of women simply cannot do that.

Also the insinuation that women are wired for monogamy and are not visual creatures is simply not true, but we are being forced into the belief that we are. In fact women are far more likely to go of and have affairs than men (as stated by Discovery Channel) and Brad Pitt isn't just a pin up by gay men is he? Porn is not a natural state of affairs at all the vast majority of people have only had access to it in the last 10 years and I am not aware of any video recorder that dates back thousands of years ago. Also the cases of severe pre and post natal depression has gone up dramatically in those last 10 years because pregnant women all over the place are thrown over for porn. To impose that kind of stress on pregnant women should be criminal and it is having serious detrimental effect on them and the subsequent child. This I speak from personal experience.

For me I refused to even be remotely bothered by it. I refused to accept in the house under any circumstances and he knows the score. It took quite a fight to permantly get it out and being all talky and trying to reason simply didn't work. No I smashed up all the videos in a rage in front of him, threw a computer out of a window (I was busy and didn't want to waste time searching and deleting the stuff) and spent a week in a 5 star hotel all expenses paid by him. But still no matter what damage I did to the videos, computer and bank account would ever be close to the damage that was done to me. There's never been a problem since and that was over a year ago now so and yes given enough persuasion they can think that it just isn't worth it.

There is no woman on this planet who's boyfriend/husband indulges solo in porn is happy about it . Usually if are OK with it they will also say, "Oh I don't mind it stops him from having affairs".


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