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-   -   Married and lonely (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=7614)

Raymond 12th April 2011 06:09 PM

Re: Married and lonely
It is so easy to see the others faults. Don't we see it on here a lot of the time? I think the very inner mind process of writing the other off can seriously affect a marriage. You must have loved him to start with and now you feel he wasn't what you expected. Do you think you are what he expected Sasha? I know I wasn't what my wife expected and there was a lot of adjustment to do on both sides.

When I say you need to encourage the good I certainly do not mean in a condescending way. You say that when he does a little around the house you perhaps begrudge thanking him because that is what he is supposed to do. I am talking about a broader picture than that. Is the whole goal just about what he does around the house?

I am assuming you have a full time job by the sound of it. Is not his money enough? Just a thought. You say he works hard as a policeman and perhaps rightly or wrongly he just wants to flop when he gets home. I think you have some power in what happens and can affect things more than you think you can. A woman's encouragement is a very powerful tool. I don't think it is said in vain that behind every successful man is a woman. The scripture says she was given to him as a helper. I certainly appreciate how my wife has helped me to become a better person even though at the beginning I had at times to use scriptures such as love your enemies as that is how I was seeing it.

I think you should set goals as to what you want to see. Not selfish goals but goals that would lead him to be a better person and encourage any small steps he makes towards that. Things like being more loving to his son being considerate etc. etc.

I know what you are thinking. He should be doing all this anyway. You have to start from where you are though and accept him how he is. Once you accept and love him for who he is with all the faults you have described a change will happen. I challenge you to thank God for the good things you see in him. Write down a list and even tell him if you are up to it.

Shasha 15th April 2011 06:42 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Hi guys,
I have been quite busy this week and also a bit down with hay fever, but not totally out. Just got a chance to reply:

What I am experiencing with my husband, in this marriage is more than meets the eye.
It is not a normal situation that I am in, but a very preternatural one. I constantly find myself having to depend on the Lord for His strength and guidance, as I just can't and won't go it alone and it's a suicidal thought to ever think I can do it alone. As the word of God says and this is one of my promises and motto - I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Fighting a spiritual battle is not easy. I am in the middle of a spiritual warfare and everything that is happening in my life, at present is happening, I suppose, to try me. Therefore, I face trials and pain on a regular basis. However, despite all of this, i have to encourage myself, that Jesus paid it all for me, that I may have eternal life in Him. That I need to be strong and need to be in the winning mode, with Christ leading the way, 100%.

Therefore, it's not flesh and blood that I am dealing with here, but something more sinister, and my life, as complicated as it is, is like seeing things having a supernatural effect and they are more esoteric, beyond what the mind can fathom. I may never know or understand everything, but only God knows all the answers to my questions. Only God has all the solutions that i seek.

It's not a matter of how much money my husband makes, or not. It's not even about what is happening in and out of the house, it's more to do with what God is doing in our lives at the moment. As the Bible states, God is in control and He has the power to intervene in every situation. It's not by might, it's not power, but by My spirit says the Lord.

In the meantime, I have to reassure myself that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Therefore, I keep myself busy, creative and happy, in the midst of the incessant storm. I may not have a husband to keep me company. I may not get kisses and hugs. I may not be romanced, but one thing I know, I need to press on toward the mark of the highest calling in Christ Jesus. God is my constant companion and it's because of Him, I wake up in the morning. It's because of him I can face tomorrow and I have no fear, because of His love for me.

So you see, in the midst of my loneliness, which can be painful at times, I can still smile. I can still look up, as my redemption draws near. I don't know if I'll ever have a loving husband in my life, as this is at the bottom of my list, at the moment. If I cannot get what I need from the ones that mean the most to me, then why worry. God knows what I need even before I ever get to ask. Therefore, what I need to keep reminding myself is to take my eyes off my situation and place them on Jesus. Do the best to be what He has called me to be on this earth, until He calls me home. Is it going to be easy? By all means, NO!
Thanks for lending a listening ear.
God bless.

Raymond 15th April 2011 08:26 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Quite a statement of faith Sasha. Who can argue with it. Your husband can not but be affected by your faith. We wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers etc. Yes our primary relationship is with Christ but also He is concerned about the answers we seek. Marriage is clearly God's idea and we can rest in the knowledge that His answers are there in the ordinary everyday of faith, in His word and through the way He leads us by His Spirit.

You will obviously come through all this Sasha and will see victory judging by your post.

chosen 15th April 2011 09:42 AM

Re: Married and lonely
You clearly have a strong faith and that is good. I dont believe that God causes these things to happen, they happen because of our sinful nature. I also dont believe that God will go against what a person does or wants, that is their decision, and we all have free will, but he can and does use these situation for our good, and to draw us closer to Him.

Raymond 15th April 2011 12:51 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Yes that was my thought as well Chosen but I didn't get it down.

Chamomile 15th April 2011 01:53 PM

Re: Married and lonely

Originally Posted by Shasha (Post 61374)
I have thought of divocre, but I'm not yet ready for this, as I need to finish a course I'm doing in counselling, to get a better job. Then I believe I'll be able to say adios to that man.

Marriage probably does need attention and it's understandable if leaving is not a viable option at this time.

I'm sure you will overcome a lot of things with a strong faith, with love, hope and joy with God.

Baroness 15th August 2011 11:54 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Hi Sasha, I am new on this post but post actively on another one. Faith in God is very important and without God in our lives it would be almost impossible. My husband sounds similar to yours. He sits in front of the tv too and watches reruns. I have also called my husband an idiot because that's what he is.

He has a woman who loves him and yet he chooses to m instead of being with me. I was a mess when I first went on the other post and it was good to talk with Christians and one poster was going through the same thing I had been only she had done it for 20 years. My h has ed and I just didn't know how to deal with it so I went on here and found the help I needed.

Nothing has changed between us except that he is loving in that he says he loves me and will hug me and kiss me but not in the romantic way. The last time we had good sex was last October and this past Feb. we tried but he couldn't finish, if you know what I mean. I got upset because I was frustrated and he hasn't attempted anything since then.

He volunteers up at the local canyon and is a ranger but when he comes home its to the tv he goes and he's watching the same movies over and over again so I can't keep watching them so I go in the bedroom. We don't sleep together anymore and that is just as well since nothing is happening. I racked my brain trying to figure out what the problem was and at first I thought it was me.

Since I am attractive and not overly overweight I just didn't get it. I could stand to lose 8 pounds I guess but I have a shapely figure so after coming on here I realized that it was not me. What gets me is that he used excuses that only a stupid person would believe. He won't get help and I feel very lonely sometimes even though I am living with a man.

Sometimes I feel like the housekeeping and cook and we are just roommates or something but he does tell me he loves me. Today I found out he's been worrying about finances because I lost my job and he is retired and gets social security. He seems good natured about it most of the time and never complained because I was laid off due to the economy.

It is very hard to get a man to talk and you get frustrated when he seems to treat you with no respect. One time I went in the front room and he had the cable on soft porn and was m. This was awhile ago and I hit the roof. I asked him how he could do this to me when I'm in the next room and he denied. Told me I didn't just see what I thought.

I know he has a habit of watching 2 channels at once when a commercial is on but I know what I saw.The next morning he bent over backwards to tell me that the only reason he hasn't made love to me is because he had a blister or sore in the area and was concerned that I believe him and since then he has never made that mistake again.

Now those kind of movies come on really late and he goes to bed way before then. Men seem to always have some problem, don't they? I may be doing better but I still feel like something is missing and I have to read my bible and pray every day but I'm not stressed out like I used to be. My h does not look at other women but neither does he compliment me when I look really nice, not until later or not at all.

I can related to some of what you are going through but you are still young while I am 56 now and I don't want you looking back and regretting your decision to stay with a man who never changed in the least and then you are older and while it isn't impossible for me to find someone else, you don't want to waste many years if he doesn't want to at least try in the marriage.

I have decided to stay with mine because we still have good times and I've not ruled out sex between us. I did that awhile back and he suddenly wanted me and it was great again just as it used to be. I would have a hard time if my h watched porn all,the time. He is not computer literate and I have the only computer in the house.

I believe he truly loves me and that he can't help what is happening to him since he is 65, 9 years older than me, but I also can't see myself not ever having sex again, so we'll have to wait and see. My h is retired and so he likes to watch tv and he hurt his back years ago and was forced to retire.

I am assuming your husband is younger so for him to just want to sit in front of the tv is a problem. I was told that I'm only looking at the bad in him and I should look at all the things he does for me and to be happy with that. I am aware of all his good qualities, but that doesn't make it better for us, now does it?

He is saved but he was a catholic for many years and I was raised in a penticostal church so there are differences. He loves God and has changed so much since meeting me and I feel God wanted us together because he's been kinder to me than any other man. But I don't condone living a life where you are mostly unhappy.

I have always had a system in determining if you should remain in a relationship and I haven't shared this on the other thread. Make a list of pros and cons. Write down all the positive things on one side and all the negative things on the other and compare them. Also, my motto has always been if you are more unhappy than happy then it is time to move on.

I forgot my own motto apparently but there are times when I'm still happy so I guess I will hang in there but not even God can force a person to change or do what's right.

1aokgal 16th August 2011 01:43 AM

Re: Married and lonely

I am very sorry for you and sad thing you are going through now. There is a different element to this story and that is the stress, demands and fear these men live with on a day to day basis. They are exposed to a lot of awful soul numbing garbage. Few have a way to ventilate what they experience out on the street. My daughter is a policeman, and was married to one in the past.

Your husband may be watching TV in a mind-numbing to escape for job stress. Policeman are exposed to climate of sexuality both on the street and in the station house. There are problems that I know exist in the station house where affairs are rather commonplace. Marriages are the toll, from not only the shifts they work, but the relaxed code of morality or malaise that is common in the workplace. It is a terribly hard life and you are not alone. Perhaps there is counselling available to your family through the association? I will ask my daughter about that.

I think you need to be on full alert because affairs easily available around this work environment. I wouldn't be shy about checking clues around your husband. I checked my husbands wallet and belongings on a regular basis. Any woman who doesn't play detective with some of these clues, may get a shock. Then I would say the TV needs to be off one night while the two of you have a serious, none accusing conversation. See if you can find out how he is feeling. Remember, suicide is also something that happens with this job. Is he extremely depressed? That is a great possibility as he blocks out his wife and family. I hope the signs are not missed, if that is the case.

You both deserve more than biding time as roomates. Sexuality is a joyful experience that suffers when undue stress or depression robs one of this vital interest. You probably have counselling for your family available and maybe that would be the right thing. If he is addicted to porn that robs the sexuality from th emarriage. That is a devious soul killing interest. Raymond is dead right on that.

These men live in a climate of danger and street ugliness. Remember an hour of overtime for him, may bring him to a domestic disturbence call where he is killed. So, when he walks in the door with his paycheck, he has put his life on the line every day for you and his family. Most of these men moonlight another side job to make ends meet when the wife does not work. We pay our men in blue a ridulous wage to meet street crime and sometimes assault rifles from kids.

They are our heros who deal with conditions such as men in battle zones. They are there daily, for years. A traffic stop can put his life in danger. These men and women deserve our respect, kindness and love...all that we can give them. I am sure the man you married is there in the shell of this man today. He may need some help. Before you turn from him, pray for him and tell him you care that he is out there in danger. Ask him if it is important to him that you continue to love him and share life with him. See if he will give you some answers. Then rethink your game plan.

Shasha 17th August 2011 07:39 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Hello everyone,
Thank you for all your advice and prayer. Things are still the same at home and I have friends praying for me.

I have just learned to take one day at a time and trust the Lord for a breakthrough, according to His will, whatever it may be.

It's the summer holidays now and I do what I can with my 10-yr-old son, to keep him busy and happy. We plan to go on a 2 dy holiday at a fun adventure park. My husband will be driving. Although we do not have any relationship, he is still willing to take my son on holiday, which is great. I know my son will love having both his parents with him.

I trust wherever the Lord leads us, I will accept and be obedient to his leading and guidance.

Life for me is one big learning curve and I want to get it right, for His sake.
God bless.

chosen 17th August 2011 08:30 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Sounds good. You clearly have a strong faith, and things can change. A close friend of mine had had many many problems with her non believing husband for most of her marriage.
However over the years, things have gradually changed, and he isnt the same as he was. yes he can still be difficult, but things are better. Also my friends attitude towards him has changed and she has learnt so much through this time. She said that for her, forgiveness was the major breakthrough for her, for all the things he has put her through, and God has given her a real love for him now that she didnt have before.
Hope that you have good times with your son for the last couple of weeks of the holidays. I am sure he will love the adventure park!

Baroness 18th August 2011 03:12 AM

Re: Married and lonely
It must be very hard for you dealing with your husband in that kind of marriage, which isn't really a marriage at all if he is not communicating with you and doing those other things. I know how you feel, I am going through the same thing. Especially with a child it can get very confusing.

I was married to my 2nd husband for over ten years and there was nothing between us for most of that. That isn't the man I'm with now. We still had a sex life but I didn't really enjoy it. Our problems were different. I was really overweight then, close to 200 lbs and didn't care about anything but my children. I didn't work and he couldn't hold a job and he just sat there with no emotion at all on his face in front of the tv.

He was lazy also so I had to do most things around the house and since I knew a lot about that it was no problem but I couldn't wait forever to have things done. I am so glad I finally divorced him after he had an affair. I took my children and left before he could destroy them. My daughter had a very sweet personality and I could see the effect he was having on her. My son was older and had to go to counseling because of my husband's unorthodox punishment of him.

Mental cruelty, locking him in the closet and he would threaten my son with harming me if I ever told and so I didn't find out until much later. How hard that must have been for my son but he recovered and is now in the science field and has a son of his own. When we had my daughter I was very protective as well and saw what he was doing to her mentally. He was just a disciplinarian and nothing more.

The best thing I ever did was leave him. He treated me like I was stupid and I think I believed him. I didn't care what I looked like and was so depressed I wouldn't even want to take a shower in the morning. We always had it hard because he couldn't hold onto a job. So anything I go through now with my current h is an improvement over what I had with that idiot.

He finally abandoned my daughter and moved out of state and good riddance. After that I talked to a counselor and got myself together and lost weight and realized that I was not stupid at all but incredibly bright and gifted. We think a man is one way when we first meet them and he was supposed to be a christian so I had no idea the road he's take.

My parent's didn't like him and neither did my brother and so I ended it and moved on and now I find myself in another complicated relationship with a man who doesn't want to have sex any longer and I can't know for sure the reason why because he won't talk about it.

I think its ed but since he m I'm not sure but by our last encounter I think that's the problem but he denies anything is wrong and I'm beginning to wonder in happiness in marriage is even possible for me. I think we have to protect the children first off.

I stayed with him because I didn't want to take my daughter's father away from her and I had two children with no means of support and so I stayed and then later realized it would be better for them to have no father than the one they had. My daughter is a beautiful human being and good christian but who knows what would have happened if I'd staying any longer?

I'd probably be in jail for murder. LOL. I haven't had an easy time with relationships and I've done everything I can so I guess I just made some bad choices. I didn't love my 2nd husband after the first five years and yet I stayed. My current man I have loved for nine years and I didn't expect it to last but it has. He's a good man but thinks only of himself in this situation. He doesn't even try anymore.

My advice to you is to think of your son first and then yourself because our children are dependent on us to make the right choices for them. Now I realize that I don't need a man at all to be happy but I would like it all to work out but sometimes I just want to walk out the door and not look back.

God has given me strength and i've always had it and I know he is helping me with this but it would be incredibly helpful if he would just come down from heaven and sit in my bedroom with me and tell me what to do. I am a ministers daughter and have always loved God and used to have a ministry of healing but that was long ago.

Try to get involved with things that you like to do. Try to make your life happy regardless of what is going on with him. I agree with 1aokgal that a police officers life can be hard but surely that doesn't have anything to do with the lack of sex and porn. What do I know? My h is out there m when I'm in the same house.

Do men just stop caring after they've been with you for awhile? What is it? Boredom? Wanting something new. I'd like something new too but I am committed. He doesn't cheat on me but in a way I feel like that's what he's doing. I don't know why its so hard to be a woman sometimes.

1aokgal 18th August 2011 06:01 PM

Re: Married and lonely

You say "my son" a number of times in your post. Is this child from a former marriage? You feel your husband is not as committed to making his family happy, as you are? Sorry, but you DO have a relationship as you are a family. It seems you are biding your time to finish a course "and say adios this man!"

That sounds like a spider building a web, biding time. Where is the commitment to work to better things there? Have you set your mind the marriage is already over, but haven't clued him in yet? That means he is bringing home the paycheck and you are now unemployed and wait for your opportunity to free yourself. So one day you will decide you are ready to leave. Is there someone else in your life?

It is sad that you all went on this nice trip but you are there physically, but not emotionally, as you wish you were somewhere else. Where would that somewhere else be? Have things improved in your marriage at all?

Sasha, you talk a lot around your faith but it just sounds to me that you are so depressed you struggle for breath. Have you talked to anyone or do you take antidepressants for these problems?
You have no thoughts to hurt yourself? I am concerned for your well being. It is true that many of us at one time or another thought that things were beyond what we could possibly stand. That is when we have to get up again and find answers or get help. Did you look into any counselling for yourself?

Chamomile 18th August 2011 07:33 PM

Re: Married and lonely

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 65029)
I am concerned for your well being. It is true that many of us at one time or another thought that things were beyond what we could possibly stand. That is when we have to get up again and find answers or get help. Did you look into any counselling for yourself?

Well, certainly, op has been extremely tolerant in this whole situation...(not sure if I can barely imitate what she's been doing myself in her situation tbh..) It has got to be a limit as to how much one can put oneself through...

Shasha 19th August 2011 07:36 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Hello there,
Thanks for your input and questions. First of all, I am employed part time, as a medical secretary. I am a full time parent, meaning that because I work just near our son's school, I am able to drop off and pick him up from sch. Also I am able to run to the school, whenever there is an emergency, which seldom happens. But I am always there for our son.

I say, "my son" when referring to our ten-year-old to keep his name anonymous; but yes, he is both mine and my husband's son. Therefore we both played a part with his conception. There is no other man in my life, except Jesus. I do have friends, both male and female, but I have never been unfaithful to my husband and never will.

If we do break up, my main focus would be in serving our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ and to continue to look after our son, until he is old enough to be independent.

Chamomile is right when she/he (not sure if male or female) mentions about being tolerant. Yes it's true, I have truly adopted a spirit of tolerance, more so for His sake, but also for my son's sake. If there was no child I know I would have packed up and left this marriage, in a jiffy!

As I have been saying, I'm not sure how long I can take it, but I do know this cannot go on forever and something has to give! I'm doing my best to remain sane, as at times living in this house can be so unbearable. Money is not all. My husband does not make all that much money, but his salary does help pay for the bills, which I am grateful for. However, it takes more than his salary to make ends meet. My part time salary especially, brings in extra cash for disposable income, for holidays, etc. So my part time job income, goes a long way.

About working to make the marriage work, I've done that already. God is not in the business of flattery. In fact God despises flattery, as He has mentioned in the scriptures. If my husband does not want to remain married to me, there is nothing I or anyone can do to change that. People change and we've got to accept that. God never forces anyone to do anything they don't want to do. He gives us choices to do what is right or not, but it is up to us to make those choices. My h just does not care anymore and prefers to resort to living a bachelor's life again.

I have not mentioned half of the things that I am going through, but God is my witness. Even our son asks questions when he sees things going on. He has even asked why his daddy does the things that he does and also why he does not take him out and do stuff with him, like his friends' dads.

I believe sometimes the situation is affecting our son and it hurts me to see him suffer, because of his dad's irresponsibility in the home. I have to sometimes comfort him and just say that we need to continue to pray about the situation. Even my friends suspect that things are not right between me and my h and have made comments about our situation.

What can I say, but that it is a great testing, indeed! But who knows where all this is going.
Only God knows.

God bless you.

PS: Just to comment about the counselling question posed by '1aokgal', yes, I have sort counselling from the pastor of our church and also outside help. Then when we get counselling and all goes well for a few days or perhaps weeks, then he, my h slowly slips back into his dirty habits, over and over again. Therefore, there is nothing more I can do or even say, for that matter, than to wholly trust the Lord for some kind of answer, which I do not have at this point in time, except that this too shall pass.

1aokgal 19th August 2011 05:32 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Dear Sasha...

I am relieved to hear more of your mindset here. You sound pretty capable to get through what you need to do if the marriage is no longer working. Women often have to plan a goal to obtain job skills and training in preparation for a future of independence. I hope you give your marriage every chance to improve. It is difficult to begin again and no guarantee of a better life than you have today.

I spent a year in college classes in business skills and obtained a real estate license to work flexibie hours around my full time job. It was all planned around a marriage that was in flames. My daughter was young. I found fine child care with another mother who kept her like one of her own. It was a difficult time, but a transition to a better life. there was no way that marriage would have worked.

My daughter divorced her policeman husband. She made a good transition to buy a home, raises her daughter and has made a fine career. She is happy with her life plan and wouldn't put up with a man who had a double life. He had affairs and put her through a mess.

One day these years are dim memories and things will be better. I never regret my own decisions. Just take things one obstacle at a time.

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