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-   -   Married and lonely (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=7614)

Baroness 20th August 2011 02:45 AM

Re: Married and lonely
I know what you mean about not having any answers and just trusting the Lord, but I think he sometimes wants us to just use good judgement. I don't think he wants us to be unhappy. I am also trying to just do the best I can and I also think I'm losing my mind sometimes.

I just don't understand how a man who looked forward to making love suddenly has no interest at all. We had such a good sex life and now its been many months and I think he prefers to m and I don't understand that because of what we had for years. He acts the same, is nice and thoughtful sometimes and he pretends like there is nothing wrong.

I wonder sometimes why he just doesn't leave if he isn't interested and I asked him this and he said he is interested, is still attracted to me and would only leave if I asked him to because I was unhappy. I am but how can I ask him to leave? Not not anyway. I have asked God what to do and felt frustrated because I don't know what to do.

I was out walking today and I told him that he felt so far from me (God) that he hasn't spoken to me in a long time and I feel alone and is said three simple words; Trust in me. I said I do trust him and just hope he still has a plan for my life, but he's in there now watching some dumb movie and has some nudity in it, but the scene was quick and I didn't know what to say since I've gotten on his case about this before.

I personally think we are over because there is nothing between us anymore, and yet I still find myself running in there to get his opinion on my latest hat, like he would even have an opinion but he's all I got. When I get excited about something I want to share it with him and I keep forgetting that there is a vast amount of space between us now.

He doesn't even try and I know you must feel like I do, confused and alone. You have your son to distract you but my children are older, 29 and 35 so there don't live with me. I have a good relationship with my children, like best friends and they understood when I left their fathers and was glad I did. They didn't really miss a father because we had lots of fun, always.

All I can suggest is to figure out what is best for you and your son. It sounds like he is aware of problems between you and for a son to feel like his father doesn't want to spend time with him, is worse than being without a father because his father is in the home, just chooses not to take time with him.

I know what I'm talking about because my father was hardly around and we didn't do much together but we did do some things but when he would go away because he was an alcoholic, I would think it was me. I hope your son doesn't think that he has done something to warrant this kind of behavior. Children only know that their parent isn't doing things with them and of course they will think its because of them.

It was a horrible way to grow up. I would continue to pray about things but if you think this isn't going to change, you have to think about yourself and your son. I stayed with my ex because of the children but I wasn't doing any of us any favors by doing so. I will pray for you and God can give you the strength to get through this.

I do want to point out, however, that it might not change and you will have to deal with him the way he is. Ask yourself if you are prepared to live this way for the rest of your life. God bless you.

Shasha 20th August 2011 07:58 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Thanks for your comments, as always. One thing I'd like to point out and that is that my husband, D loves comfort and so, he will not just up and leave just like that.

If he could live in this house forever, he would do so, but I am not prepared to remain in this house until I die, God forbid. He has never left his mother's house to live anywhere in his life. He has always lived at his family's home, until we me and moved to where we are today. He has never been independent on his own, which I believe is another set back in his life.

Therefore, because we live together in the same house, does not mean we have a relationship, far from it. I would prefer to live in a home with just me and my son and have peace and joy, rather than to have someone else in the home, who pretends to be a father and husband and is ineffective in his role and is just filling space in a room. No woman in her right mind would want that. Just having a man in a house, is not all. For me and my son, there is no satisfaction and no happiness with our situation.

Baroness, I am glad you had to guts to leave a miserable marriage that was unfruitful and ineffective, good for you! You did well by your kids. Hopefully, I will be given that same opportunity to make that same decision and to move on with my life, as the Lord leads.

Also, 1aokgal's daughter was independent enough & wise enough to find another home and to make a new life for herself, after her rocky marriage. That takes a lot of courage and determination, I must say! Good for her!

Thanks guys for listening.

chosen 20th August 2011 08:45 AM

Re: Married and lonely
I agree with you.
I do think that all young adults should live independently for a time before they marry. All of my children have done this, and the oldest who married last April lived away from home for 7 years(he is the best and fastest ironer lol) and the middle one who marries next April will have had 7 years of looking after herself. Its so important that we can all learn basic life skills such as cooking and cleaning and paying bills etc before we marry.

Baroness 20th August 2011 06:25 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Yes, don't do anything unless the Lord leads you to do so. I encourage you to read my post on the thread you went on which is about husbands not wanting sex. I think its important to think about how your h feels too. There you might find a reason for his behavior.

I don't feel God is releasing me from this m just yet. Because of all this happening to me I now have a closer walk with God. If everything had been fine then I might not have come closer to God in this way. So a good thing happened out of all the madness and hurt. Everyone has reasons for acting the way they do but not everyone stops to think about this.

They just react to what is happening to them and not why it is happening. I'm not saying your h has a good reason for being this way but it is still good to try and see things from his point of view. Some men are just idiots and don't care about anything but themselves, but others have genuine reason for their behavior and men find it hard to express themselves sometimes.

I left my ex husband because he didn't care at all about me or how I felt and wouldn't listen to me regarding my children and I told him 'I don't care if you are the one who wears the pants in this marriage and you are the head of the household, I am the one who brought these children into the world and I am their mother and I know what they need and what you are doing to destroy them and I'm not going along with you just because you are the man.
If you are wrong then you are just wrong and I'm not standing by while you take my children's spirit and personality away just because you have a God complex or because you think I have to do what you say just because you are a man. You tell me to submit because it says so in the Bible but you aren't reading what it says about how you are supposed to be to your wife and kids.
I won't submit to you as long as you are wrong. You are no better than me just because you are head of the household and I'm not stupid simpleton to go along with you just because the bible says for me to submit to you. I don't think that scripture applies to stupid men!'

Shasha 21st August 2011 09:14 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Hello Baroness,
Good to hear your views, as always.
About my h's behaviour or habit, he has been in this porn thing for a long time, even before I met him and became his wife.
So he really needs to find help with his problem. I came into this marriage thinking he was genuine, until I discovered his bad habit.
If this was revealed to me before our marriage, then I would have urged him to get help and probably we may not be together, because of this red flag!
God bless.

Baroness 21st August 2011 08:33 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Have you ever talked to him about it and told him it is upsetting to you?

Shasha 22nd August 2011 11:41 AM

Re: Married and lonely
This situation has gone beyond talking at present, as I have done all that I can possibly do. My h does not talk to me. That's how he is naturally and even his relatives/family always say, "...that's how D is". They know him to be like that. He is very cold and non-interactive, if you know what I mean.

It's like nothing can penetrate through those thick walls he has built up, except the Lord breaking them down.

My talking won't do, as I have come to realise, time and time again. He won't open up and even though he does speak about a subject, it is very limited and then he closes up again. He is like this 24-7.

When I do approach him, in a calm and non-aggressive and non-argumentative manner, so we can talk, he makes excuses and says he is tired and will talk, later and then, when later comes, there is always an excuse not to talk. This has gone on for years, so that I have just thrown in the towel, so to speak.

This guy is one like I have never met before. I have never come across another person with such a problem. I know and understand how men in general won't talk about issues, but this one is the worst! My mother always says, that we should never trust a quiet person, as there are very deep issues with them and you never know when they are going to strike...like still water runs deep, kinda thing.

Yes, I have done all that I can, God knows! Everything under the sun I have already tried, but nothing seems to work and plus I do not know who to turn to about this guy's problem, except to trust the Lord, somehow. The Lord can work in anybody's life, if they'll let Him into their lives. This is what my h needs as to do now....to call on the name of Jesus. He is able to work in his life, but only if he'll let Him.

God bless.

Raymond 22nd August 2011 12:26 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Hi Sasha. Didn't know you came back. Just back from holiday.

A new turn up is this porn thing. I didn't know about that and it puts a very new slant on it form my point of view. I would bet a lot that this is one of the deep problems in your marriage. I always class this as mental adultery and it will always mitigate against the pure sexual intimacy which you should have in marriage. Have you confronted this? If not I would. Until this is sorted marital bliss will be impossibe. It is possible that he may be addicted by now and will need help. Is he open to that?

It looks like he came in with this problem which is hardly a foundation for a good marriage.

Dependant on how bad it is and how you feel and what your faith is I think that it can be grounds for divorce. Notice I say can be. I would ask God if it is a winnable battle in the sense of him changing bearing in mind that he has freewill. I would say he is being unfaithful to you. Maybe not physically but this porn can take on the same symptoms and the same results as if he was doing adultery. It can sometimes lead to the real thing. Although Jesus did not condone divorce He did make an exception in cases of immorality which speaks to me of how important He saw the sanctity of sex within the marriage.

Chamomile 22nd August 2011 03:30 PM

Re: Married and lonely

Originally Posted by Shasha (Post 65133)

My mother always says, that we should never trust a quiet person, as there are very deep issues with them and you never know when they are going to strike...like still water runs deep, kinda thing.


Your Mother is quite right. I'm in a similar situation re. a quiet one. "These men" (according to what I oft read on this site..) all seem to love their porn in their life and they all tend to be very passive when it comes to REAL intimacy with their partners. Maybe, they even hate real women?

It seems almost as if they were so used to replaying porn in their heads and they become so timid in a real interaction with a "live" female e.g. wife.

These men prefer porn where they are the voyeur (one in control) and passively indulging in their sexual fantasies where their wife doesn't even come near. Your h is there physically, shasha, but he's not really with you mentally. You just don't exist in a real sense in his world whilst his porn might be far more essential in his life by the sound of it.

1aokgal 22nd August 2011 03:59 PM

Re: Married and lonely

Do you mean Sasha may have grounds for divorce from a legal standpoint or religious standpoint? If she is in the US there is no grounds due to porn, nor is that adultery. The grounds in this situation would simply be a divorce petition based on, "Irreconcilable differences."

It seems there may be a long while before she is self sufficient enough to decide she has had enough to support herself and live apart. So until there is an escalation of problems she seems stuck. He brings home a paycheck.

Raymond 22nd August 2011 06:40 PM

Re: Married and lonely
I know there can be legal difficulties 1okgal. I was primarily thinking on christian moral grounds. It can get to a stage when it is a continually lusting after other women even though they may only be on dvd etc.

We have had christian wives on here who thought they just had to put up with this behaviour where their H's were openly mb in front of the computer. I think there can be grounds and that God would not tie in a wife for evermore when there is this kind of unrepentant behaviour going on. But that is just my opinion.

It is interesting that porn features in 50% of American divorces. It is probably the same ratio in the UK.

1aokgal 22nd August 2011 08:08 PM

Re: Married and lonely
I was shocked to read how often the social site Facebook was mentioned in divorce statistics. That turns into a major contact point for lonely spouses.

In this case the immorality of the porn interest operates as any extramarital affair because his focus is addictive and robs the marriage. I also wonder if this doesn't go with the profession as 50% of marriages of policeman fail. That is pretty hard on families and part of that has to do with a change in shift hours and the psychology of the street, which is a cynical atmosphere.

Baroness 22nd August 2011 11:03 PM

Re: Married and lonely
My h sounds a lot like yours in that you can't get him to talk and if you try he will make up excuses to talk later and that never happens. He is quiet a lot of the time but not all of the time. I just tried to have a conversation with him and it was like pulling teeth and finally I said, 'I give up. I tried.'

I know he is tired because he did physical labor this morning until around noon but he is pretty much always like this and then there are times when he does talk, but when it comes to our sexual problems he doesn't want to talk about it at all and if he does he just makes excuses like he's tired and acts like everything is fine.

He doens't watch porn because he doesn't have access to it and it comes on late at night, way after he's gone to bed and he doesn't own a computer. His problem is just m but I can't say when he does this, I've walked in on him a time or two but he just denies it. I never realized how many women have to deal with the porn issue or how many women have sexual problems with their men.

Shasha 23rd August 2011 07:22 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Hi there, guys,

Very interesting comments from all of you. Thanks for that! You guys seem to be almost like a support network in disguise, although we’re all aware of the unanswered questions and pressing issues still to be dealt with. However, of course, it is only by God’s revelation and leading, that we can solve and conquer them.

Chamomile posted that…."These men" (according to what I oft read on this site..) all seem to love their porn in their life and they all tend to be very passive when it comes to REAL intimacy with their partners. Maybe, they even hate real women?”

Yes, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I believe so myself…that my husband does not know how to express his love for me and this is one of the main problems. He thinks that bringing home a card when there is an occasion like Christmas, etc. will suffice, for the wrong in his life. He takes after his mother, who just showers her (adult) children with material things to replace “love”.

What they don’t realize is that it takes a lot of communication, consideration of the other person’s well being and expression of love to make a relationship work (in kindness, sacrifice & patience).

My h’s 2 younger brothers (one in mid 30’s & the other early 40’s) are still unmarried and one of them just cannot seem to be interested in women. He will go out with a certain woman and then after about a year or so from their initial date, he will break up with the woman. This has gone on from since I’ve known my husband (13 yrs).

There is something just not right with those guys and only they can sort out their mysterious lives. This makes you wonder why they choose to shove real women away.

Hi there Raymond. You mentioned that…“It looks like he came in with this problem which is hardly a foundation for a good marriage.”

Again, you are so right about this. I believe also that when I met him initially, he pretended to be someone else, whom I fell in love with. Today, he is not the same man I married 13 years ago. I have come to know a different D. With all this, I can now make up my mind whether or not I want to stay with him and I have.
As far as I can see, there is no reconciliation, unless the Lord touches his heart and he comes to terms with his sad situation and makes a complete u-turn with his life, in true repentance for his sake and for the Lord’s. The question is, will it ever happen and when?

God bless.

Raymond 23rd August 2011 09:12 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Well what is your faith on this Sasha? Do you have faith that he will turn around through your prayers and your life? The scripture encourages us to consider whether we have enough to begin the work otherwise we cannot finish and will be defeated. Read the part about whether the king had enough men to win the war or whether the builder had enough to complete the wall.

In these sort of situations you need some leading to see the end by faith. I do think that using porn can be grounds for divorce which for me can come into the bracket of
adultery. I am not sure about the rest of it although it seems that you have been deceived character wise but you fell for it as well.

I think the porn also prevents him from getting real as he will not be depending on you for his sexual needs. There is something about pure sexual intimacy that causes a man to open up emotionally. At least I have found that and I didn't have the best start in life having had an orphan background. Where this is diverted outside of the marriage then something important is missing. It isn't just sex but the relationship that is somehow part of it, at least for a man. I don't know about a woman.

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