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Shasha 6th April 2011 05:06 AM

Married and lonely
 
Hi there,
I have been married for almost thirteen yrs. I consider my husband to be a complete idiot and I can't understand why I had ever decided to marry him at all, in the first place. When I had met him in those days, he had hidden all those terrible faults & behaviours about himself. I now see this man as a completely different person, from what I thought he was. Today, I see him in a different light. He knows how to pretend & he has kept that up for years, until slowly, but surely, I began to see my husband for who he really is. *We have a beautiful 10 yr old son and my husband scarcely wants to do anything with him. He is a police officer and I understand when he comes home he is tired, but he hardly wants to take our son out to do fun things with him. I feel sorry for my boy and usually invite his friends home, so he can play and have a good time. I also allow him to visit his uncle's house, so they can do fun stuff together, like movies, shopping, visiting friends, etc. *
My husband is a total recluse and ignores me in the house. There is absolutely no romance, no petting, snuggling, kissing. It's almost as if we are like brother and sister in the house. Sex between us is non-existent and he does not communicate with me, etc. As far as I am concerned, our marriage is as dead as a door nail. He watches tv all day long and sits behind the computer hours on end. Over the years, I discovered he had another interest - porn. I was devastated at first when I discovered about this and have been trying to get him help a few years ago. He does not even have the occasional friend coming to the house to visit him. My love for this guy is very questionable. Now all I do is pray for a miracle for him to change, but fearful that he may never want to change and our marriage suffer even more as a result. As far as I am concerned we don't even have a marriage. Life is like hell living in the house with this man. I truly feel like I am one of the loneliest wives in the world and don't know what to do any more.*

chosen 6th April 2011 08:12 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
shasha
Are you both believers?Do you both go to church?

Raymond 6th April 2011 01:09 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Your husband sounds very isolated Sasha. If he is still doing the porn that would enable his isolation even more. Do you think he is addicted to it? Is he a believer as Chosen has asked?

I think dealing with the porn is the main problem here. He could even be addicted to it. I would recommend the DVD Fireproof for you to both watch.

I think there can be grounds for divorce in some cases of porn where there is no attempt to beat the habit. It is mental adultery really, but one doesn't want to recommend that route unless it is inevitable.

Shasha 7th April 2011 05:59 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hi there,
Yes, we both are born-again Christians. The church he used to attend was a brethren church, where women are not allowed to speak in church. I, on the other hand used to and still am attending a Pentecostal Church, here in London. He now comes to church with me, but lately he has refused to go and just stays home to watch football on tv. I do not believe my husband has any Christian conviction what-so-ever. He also takes me for granted most of the time and depends on me to do every around the house. When I leave things for him to do, he makes an issue about it and sometimes does not do it. I find that he is very unreliable and will not depend on him for anything. Right now I am just barely surviving in the house, trying to keep the relationship on mutual grounds more for my son's sake, as I do not want this to affect him in any way. I have thought of divocre, but I'm not yet ready for this, as I need to finish a course I'm doing in counselling, to get a better job. Then I believe I'll be able to say adios to that man. Only God knows, at this point. I feel so exasperated with all of this and never, ever thought my life would be like this today. I am already 47 years old and in just a few years time, I'll be 50. Who wants this sort of trouble anyway at this age? Thanks for listening, guys.

Forever 7th April 2011 08:55 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hi Shasha,

I was married for twenty years to a man exactly like yours, cop, porn, withdrawn and indifferent, no spiritual convictions, no communication and sex only when he needed the release....because there were no computers for porn back then, only magazines which he kept at work. He left me with four children and never looked back. Seven years into the marriage, I became a Christian. He went to church for the appearance of it, but could not "connect" with God. He became jealous of my relationship with God (something real, vibrant and alive to me) and became even more withdrawn from the family. He did virtually nothing with our children, although he worked around the yard (probably as a good excuse to do nothing with the children or me).

Then one day after returning home from an appointment, I found myself locked out of the bank accounts and credit cards, and all his personal belongings were gone. He planned it to the tee. He came around three months later on Christmas day to tell me he wanted a divorce. I did not chase after him, call him ect...I just let him go. I knew in my heart that he was never there in the first place. He quickly started going out with women, dancing, and having company over....I could smell the barbeque from where our house was to where he stayed two houses away with his parents. He was a different person entirely, even had friends! It was as though he were waiting to be born for that whole twenty years. I waited five years to see if the Lord would do anything for us...then he got married.

Looking back, I think the Lord did us a painful but necessary favor. My husband simply was...not. I spent many years in the later years of our marriage angry, smoldering internally as you are doing now, yet I kept on serving him and being loving to him "as though" he were a different person. After he left...about a year, the Lord dealt with me regarding that anger (really frustration and grief in disguise), and that is when the terrible grief began. But the Lord is close to the broken hearted, and I did heal.

He is still not a Christian, but obviously happier than when he was with me. I seemed to represent a prison to him, perhaps because I was the stronger person in the mix...but I had to be.

I have no advice for you. I am sorry, but that is what we have the Holy Spirit for. I pray He gives you what you need to either endure this or to do whatever else He want you to do.

Shasha 8th April 2011 05:24 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hello,
Thanks for sharing your story. I know God gives everyone a different experience, in different measures, according to what they can bear. I continue to trust the Lord for His guidance, although living like this is not easy. Thanks again for your story. God bless.

Raymond 8th April 2011 05:56 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
I consider my husband to be a complete idiot and I can't understand why I had ever decided to marry him at all, in the first place.

Although I do sympathise with your situation Sasha I think the above kind of thinking could derail your cause if you are not careful. Who knows what God can do if you start praying for him.

Chamomile 8th April 2011 08:11 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Sasha

I wonder if it might be better to separate from him than living with a man you are positively angry at? It's a bad mental health. This guy would be forced to reassess his vital role in the household once he's alone? You need to stop running after him. He is an adult he ought to take care of himself. If he's addicted to porn and is undermining you then, you ought to drop your commitment level as well. Living in a very unhealthy relationship can ruin your spirutal well-being, as Raymond raised this. It might be worth distancing yourself before things start to upset you even more.

Shasha 9th April 2011 06:04 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hi guys,
I used the word idiot in my first story to indicate how selfish, foolish and even blind this husband of mine is, to not appreciate his family.


He does not know how good he has it, until something terrible goes wrong, God forbid. For example, he does not appreciate me as his loving wife, who would do anything to make our marriage work, including seeking counselling, praying and just making peace in the home by treating him right.

In addition, he's got a beautiful, striving young son that God has tremendously blessed us with. You could not have asked for a better child. Yet, there are many people out there, who would just die for a family like ours.

Some people face so many difficulties in their lives. Dealing with issues such as disability, physical suffering and ailments, financial problems, sometimes even death in the family, etc. and yet they can still testify of their loyalty and commitment to their families, no matter what. Some husbands and fathers out there would make great sacrifices to keep their families together.

But, as we all know, people like my husband does not get it. He does not understand that he needs to treat others right, especially your family and loved ones. As he shared with me, when he was growing up he had his bread buttered for him and his siblings and they never had to lift a finger. His parents spoiled them rotten and I believe this is why they learned to take things and people for granted.

His younger brothers are both single and still live in their motherís houses (as they have two properties, simultaneously). His younger brother still allows his mother to do his laundry and cook for him. Theyíve always had someone to pick up after them. Both their parents are still alive, whereas my dad passed away some years ago and one of my sisters.

Therefore, I have experienced tragedy in my family. I do appreciate life and those around me. I have been through thick and thin, growing up into an adult and know the pains, sorrows and also joys of life. My husband has never gone through half of what Iíve been through.

I have been praying for him and us and will continue to pray, although I think more is needed besides praying. Prayer moves mountains, but God also gives us wisdom and a will to choose what is right or wrong for ourselves, with His guidance, of course. The decision is left with us to decide what path is right to take when facing difficult situations and I hope the Lord will guide me accordingly.

Thanks for sharing.
Shasha

Raymond 9th April 2011 09:06 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
I understand a little more from where you are coming from Sasha. You mean he is an idiot for not appreciating the good that is around him. At first it seemed as if you were writing him off as an idiot.

It is true that a bad upbringing can make or break you so you are doing well to overcome. Having a good upbringing is not bad in itself and does give certain advantages but not if one is spoilt. I was watching Joyce Meyer last night and she shared how she had been raped about two hundred times by her father. She is a living trophy of the grace of God.

Is seems to me that your husband once had a faith but now seems to be backsliding? You said he used to go to the brethren. Did he actually have a relationship with the Lord or was it just religion? There's nothing like religion to close one off to the reality of God. That happened to me in part through Catholic influence which was just religion but no power. The version that I got in a convent anyway.

No doubt you are praying for him, but he still has a choice whether he will respond to God's promptings. The thing that bothers me most is this pornography as that is mental adultery. Things like that can kill off a marriage and regularly do. If he is trying to get victory over it that is different.

All in all I think it is a question of his faith and this pornography. I think there will be a difference between a backslider and someone who has never known God.

Well done for doing things with your son.

Shasha 11th April 2011 09:14 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Thanks Raymond for understanding.
My husband has seasons when he does things and I am still worried about the porn stuff. :mad:
I will be going to see a counsellor, as I do not have anybody close that I could seriously speak with concerning my problems. I'm not sure how this will work, but I am hoping, he, my husband will come along at some stage for counselling.
Please do pray that the Lord will soften his heart and he will agree to some form of counselling. As it stands we do not have a relationship, but just living as housemates, so to speak.

I am mainly interested right now, in him getting the help he needs, as I see he has a serious problem. If I don't help him, I don't think anyone else in his immediate circle will be able to. They would just deny he ever has a problem and he would probably take this to his grave, presumably.
Also, Iím doing this for my son, who loves his dad, but he, my husband does not know how to express and return that kind of love to me and my son. What a pity. He took my son to church on Sunday. We woke up to do a few bits and pieces around the house.
Although I am appreciative, I donít seem to care that much, whether he does anything or not, as I usually do everything, anyway. :(

Iím married to a log and at the moment there is nothing I can do to change him, he has to make up his mind to change, at this point.

Yes, I believe my husband only has a form of religion, but no real conviction. I have never seen or heard my husband cry. I have probably seen one or two tears, if he is watching something sad on TV, but that is all.

As a friend of mind described him one day, she says he has a very hard and cold heart. That is so true. Nothing ever comes out of my husbandís mouth to compliment me or make me feel good about myself. If he ever does, he would probably make a great effort to say something nice, but that is very rare. When was the last time he did that? I donít know!?!

God bless and thanks for listening.
Shasha :)

Raymond 11th April 2011 10:04 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
I think you have to encourage and be appreciative of the little he does do Sasha. I think you need to encourage it. I think what you say with your lips is powerful over a long period. I think personally that there is power in a woman's tongue to affect her husband through encouragement as opposed to nagging. Showing appreciation for the small things like taking your boy to church. Did he stay as well? If so it would be something to pray over anything he heard. You may think it is not much and he needs to do a lot more but I think that could lead to conflict. Encouragement is the way.

Maybe he has never really been a christian and needs to come into a personal relationship. The scripture shows that you can affect him by the way you lead your life.

With regard to the porn you really need to confront this. Not necessarily in a militant way but firmly. It is no way for a husband to behave and it does need to be confronted.

It will be great if you can have counselling together if he will go.

Basically I think that if you are only going to dwell on his faults you are isolating your self and not working on the marriage. I know that the faults are there but you need to look for the good and encourage it.

Shasha 12th April 2011 06:10 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Yes, I see what you are saying, about me encouraging him, which I do from time to time.
The thing is that this should be an everyday occurrence, for him to help around the house. I don't want to seem patronizing or anything like that. What I've noticed is that whenever I say thanks to him for helping, he thinks he's doing it for me and then backs off from helping.
So whenever he does anything I don't say thank you to him, but to God. My husband is old enough to know that he should be loving and helpful, without anyone spoon-feeding him. After all, it's like having a second child in the home! Sometimes you've got to exercise tough love. God is able and I can certainly depend on Him to do a mighty work in our situation and hopefully a miracle.
What I'm really hoping for and what I truly want, is a good question, as I can't really say at this point. However, I certainly would like God's perfect will to be done, first of all and secondly for my husband to change to be a better father to our son.
Then I would like him to stop his hostility towards me, to treat me right and with respect, to stop taking me for granted and to stop his hyprocisy. Most of all for him to have a convicted heart to surrender all his fears to the Lord and to commit his life to Jesus. Then I believe everything else will fall into place. His salvation should be sure in Jesus.

Raymond 12th April 2011 08:55 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
I have to be brief here Sasha as I am rushing off to work. I may come back to it.

What I see is you setting a certain standard in your mind and you get upset because he falls short of it. I don't think it works this way. Marriage is accepting the other as they are and where they are faults and all. That's how Christ accepted us didn't he? Isn't that the starting point? Do you work a certain kind of rejection because he doesn't measure up to the standards you have in his mind for him.

This is all porn aside as I think that is on a different level and can be a mental adultery which is unfaithfulness, but there may be issues there in the marriage which are affecting him. Must go now. Beaten by the clock.

God bless

Chamomile 12th April 2011 05:16 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Yes. That is partly why I would have thought that having some time out from each other, would be of benefit as this will give each other some space and time to mull things over without all that constant thought of anger and frustration. It's not a good place to be.

Take care.

Raymond 12th April 2011 06:09 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
It is so easy to see the others faults. Don't we see it on here a lot of the time? I think the very inner mind process of writing the other off can seriously affect a marriage. You must have loved him to start with and now you feel he wasn't what you expected. Do you think you are what he expected Sasha? I know I wasn't what my wife expected and there was a lot of adjustment to do on both sides.

When I say you need to encourage the good I certainly do not mean in a condescending way. You say that when he does a little around the house you perhaps begrudge thanking him because that is what he is supposed to do. I am talking about a broader picture than that. Is the whole goal just about what he does around the house?

I am assuming you have a full time job by the sound of it. Is not his money enough? Just a thought. You say he works hard as a policeman and perhaps rightly or wrongly he just wants to flop when he gets home. I think you have some power in what happens and can affect things more than you think you can. A woman's encouragement is a very powerful tool. I don't think it is said in vain that behind every successful man is a woman. The scripture says she was given to him as a helper. I certainly appreciate how my wife has helped me to become a better person even though at the beginning I had at times to use scriptures such as love your enemies as that is how I was seeing it.

I think you should set goals as to what you want to see. Not selfish goals but goals that would lead him to be a better person and encourage any small steps he makes towards that. Things like being more loving to his son being considerate etc. etc.

I know what you are thinking. He should be doing all this anyway. You have to start from where you are though and accept him how he is. Once you accept and love him for who he is with all the faults you have described a change will happen. I challenge you to thank God for the good things you see in him. Write down a list and even tell him if you are up to it.

Shasha 15th April 2011 06:42 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hi guys,
I have been quite busy this week and also a bit down with hay fever, but not totally out. Just got a chance to reply:

What I am experiencing with my husband, in this marriage is more than meets the eye.
It is not a normal situation that I am in, but a very preternatural one. I constantly find myself having to depend on the Lord for His strength and guidance, as I just can't and won't go it alone and it's a suicidal thought to ever think I can do it alone. As the word of God says and this is one of my promises and motto - I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Fighting a spiritual battle is not easy. I am in the middle of a spiritual warfare and everything that is happening in my life, at present is happening, I suppose, to try me. Therefore, I face trials and pain on a regular basis. However, despite all of this, i have to encourage myself, that Jesus paid it all for me, that I may have eternal life in Him. That I need to be strong and need to be in the winning mode, with Christ leading the way, 100%.

Therefore, it's not flesh and blood that I am dealing with here, but something more sinister, and my life, as complicated as it is, is like seeing things having a supernatural effect and they are more esoteric, beyond what the mind can fathom. I may never know or understand everything, but only God knows all the answers to my questions. Only God has all the solutions that i seek.

It's not a matter of how much money my husband makes, or not. It's not even about what is happening in and out of the house, it's more to do with what God is doing in our lives at the moment. As the Bible states, God is in control and He has the power to intervene in every situation. It's not by might, it's not power, but by My spirit says the Lord.

In the meantime, I have to reassure myself that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Therefore, I keep myself busy, creative and happy, in the midst of the incessant storm. I may not have a husband to keep me company. I may not get kisses and hugs. I may not be romanced, but one thing I know, I need to press on toward the mark of the highest calling in Christ Jesus. God is my constant companion and it's because of Him, I wake up in the morning. It's because of him I can face tomorrow and I have no fear, because of His love for me.

So you see, in the midst of my loneliness, which can be painful at times, I can still smile. I can still look up, as my redemption draws near. I don't know if I'll ever have a loving husband in my life, as this is at the bottom of my list, at the moment. If I cannot get what I need from the ones that mean the most to me, then why worry. God knows what I need even before I ever get to ask. Therefore, what I need to keep reminding myself is to take my eyes off my situation and place them on Jesus. Do the best to be what He has called me to be on this earth, until He calls me home. Is it going to be easy? By all means, NO!
Thanks for lending a listening ear.
God bless.
Sha

Raymond 15th April 2011 08:26 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Quite a statement of faith Sasha. Who can argue with it. Your husband can not but be affected by your faith. We wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers etc. Yes our primary relationship is with Christ but also He is concerned about the answers we seek. Marriage is clearly God's idea and we can rest in the knowledge that His answers are there in the ordinary everyday of faith, in His word and through the way He leads us by His Spirit.

You will obviously come through all this Sasha and will see victory judging by your post.

chosen 15th April 2011 09:42 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
You clearly have a strong faith and that is good. I dont believe that God causes these things to happen, they happen because of our sinful nature. I also dont believe that God will go against what a person does or wants, that is their decision, and we all have free will, but he can and does use these situation for our good, and to draw us closer to Him.

Raymond 15th April 2011 12:51 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Yes that was my thought as well Chosen but I didn't get it down.

Chamomile 15th April 2011 01:53 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Shasha (Post 61374)
I have thought of divocre, but I'm not yet ready for this, as I need to finish a course I'm doing in counselling, to get a better job. Then I believe I'll be able to say adios to that man.

Marriage probably does need attention and it's understandable if leaving is not a viable option at this time.

I'm sure you will overcome a lot of things with a strong faith, with love, hope and joy with God.

Baroness 15th August 2011 11:54 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hi Sasha, I am new on this post but post actively on another one. Faith in God is very important and without God in our lives it would be almost impossible. My husband sounds similar to yours. He sits in front of the tv too and watches reruns. I have also called my husband an idiot because that's what he is.

He has a woman who loves him and yet he chooses to m instead of being with me. I was a mess when I first went on the other post and it was good to talk with Christians and one poster was going through the same thing I had been only she had done it for 20 years. My h has ed and I just didn't know how to deal with it so I went on here and found the help I needed.

Nothing has changed between us except that he is loving in that he says he loves me and will hug me and kiss me but not in the romantic way. The last time we had good sex was last October and this past Feb. we tried but he couldn't finish, if you know what I mean. I got upset because I was frustrated and he hasn't attempted anything since then.

He volunteers up at the local canyon and is a ranger but when he comes home its to the tv he goes and he's watching the same movies over and over again so I can't keep watching them so I go in the bedroom. We don't sleep together anymore and that is just as well since nothing is happening. I racked my brain trying to figure out what the problem was and at first I thought it was me.

Since I am attractive and not overly overweight I just didn't get it. I could stand to lose 8 pounds I guess but I have a shapely figure so after coming on here I realized that it was not me. What gets me is that he used excuses that only a stupid person would believe. He won't get help and I feel very lonely sometimes even though I am living with a man.

Sometimes I feel like the housekeeping and cook and we are just roommates or something but he does tell me he loves me. Today I found out he's been worrying about finances because I lost my job and he is retired and gets social security. He seems good natured about it most of the time and never complained because I was laid off due to the economy.

It is very hard to get a man to talk and you get frustrated when he seems to treat you with no respect. One time I went in the front room and he had the cable on soft porn and was m. This was awhile ago and I hit the roof. I asked him how he could do this to me when I'm in the next room and he denied. Told me I didn't just see what I thought.

I know he has a habit of watching 2 channels at once when a commercial is on but I know what I saw.The next morning he bent over backwards to tell me that the only reason he hasn't made love to me is because he had a blister or sore in the area and was concerned that I believe him and since then he has never made that mistake again.

Now those kind of movies come on really late and he goes to bed way before then. Men seem to always have some problem, don't they? I may be doing better but I still feel like something is missing and I have to read my bible and pray every day but I'm not stressed out like I used to be. My h does not look at other women but neither does he compliment me when I look really nice, not until later or not at all.

I can related to some of what you are going through but you are still young while I am 56 now and I don't want you looking back and regretting your decision to stay with a man who never changed in the least and then you are older and while it isn't impossible for me to find someone else, you don't want to waste many years if he doesn't want to at least try in the marriage.

I have decided to stay with mine because we still have good times and I've not ruled out sex between us. I did that awhile back and he suddenly wanted me and it was great again just as it used to be. I would have a hard time if my h watched porn all,the time. He is not computer literate and I have the only computer in the house.

I believe he truly loves me and that he can't help what is happening to him since he is 65, 9 years older than me, but I also can't see myself not ever having sex again, so we'll have to wait and see. My h is retired and so he likes to watch tv and he hurt his back years ago and was forced to retire.

I am assuming your husband is younger so for him to just want to sit in front of the tv is a problem. I was told that I'm only looking at the bad in him and I should look at all the things he does for me and to be happy with that. I am aware of all his good qualities, but that doesn't make it better for us, now does it?

He is saved but he was a catholic for many years and I was raised in a penticostal church so there are differences. He loves God and has changed so much since meeting me and I feel God wanted us together because he's been kinder to me than any other man. But I don't condone living a life where you are mostly unhappy.

I have always had a system in determining if you should remain in a relationship and I haven't shared this on the other thread. Make a list of pros and cons. Write down all the positive things on one side and all the negative things on the other and compare them. Also, my motto has always been if you are more unhappy than happy then it is time to move on.

I forgot my own motto apparently but there are times when I'm still happy so I guess I will hang in there but not even God can force a person to change or do what's right.

1aokgal 16th August 2011 01:43 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Shasha...

I am very sorry for you and sad thing you are going through now. There is a different element to this story and that is the stress, demands and fear these men live with on a day to day basis. They are exposed to a lot of awful soul numbing garbage. Few have a way to ventilate what they experience out on the street. My daughter is a policeman, and was married to one in the past.

Your husband may be watching TV in a mind-numbing to escape for job stress. Policeman are exposed to climate of sexuality both on the street and in the station house. There are problems that I know exist in the station house where affairs are rather commonplace. Marriages are the toll, from not only the shifts they work, but the relaxed code of morality or malaise that is common in the workplace. It is a terribly hard life and you are not alone. Perhaps there is counselling available to your family through the association? I will ask my daughter about that.

I think you need to be on full alert because affairs easily available around this work environment. I wouldn't be shy about checking clues around your husband. I checked my husbands wallet and belongings on a regular basis. Any woman who doesn't play detective with some of these clues, may get a shock. Then I would say the TV needs to be off one night while the two of you have a serious, none accusing conversation. See if you can find out how he is feeling. Remember, suicide is also something that happens with this job. Is he extremely depressed? That is a great possibility as he blocks out his wife and family. I hope the signs are not missed, if that is the case.

You both deserve more than biding time as roomates. Sexuality is a joyful experience that suffers when undue stress or depression robs one of this vital interest. You probably have counselling for your family available and maybe that would be the right thing. If he is addicted to porn that robs the sexuality from th emarriage. That is a devious soul killing interest. Raymond is dead right on that.

These men live in a climate of danger and street ugliness. Remember an hour of overtime for him, may bring him to a domestic disturbence call where he is killed. So, when he walks in the door with his paycheck, he has put his life on the line every day for you and his family. Most of these men moonlight another side job to make ends meet when the wife does not work. We pay our men in blue a ridulous wage to meet street crime and sometimes assault rifles from kids.

They are our heros who deal with conditions such as men in battle zones. They are there daily, for years. A traffic stop can put his life in danger. These men and women deserve our respect, kindness and love...all that we can give them. I am sure the man you married is there in the shell of this man today. He may need some help. Before you turn from him, pray for him and tell him you care that he is out there in danger. Ask him if it is important to him that you continue to love him and share life with him. See if he will give you some answers. Then rethink your game plan.

Shasha 17th August 2011 07:39 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hello everyone,
Thank you for all your advice and prayer. Things are still the same at home and I have friends praying for me.

I have just learned to take one day at a time and trust the Lord for a breakthrough, according to His will, whatever it may be.

It's the summer holidays now and I do what I can with my 10-yr-old son, to keep him busy and happy. We plan to go on a 2 dy holiday at a fun adventure park. My husband will be driving. Although we do not have any relationship, he is still willing to take my son on holiday, which is great. I know my son will love having both his parents with him.

I trust wherever the Lord leads us, I will accept and be obedient to his leading and guidance.

Life for me is one big learning curve and I want to get it right, for His sake.
God bless.
Shasha

chosen 17th August 2011 08:30 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Shasha
Sounds good. You clearly have a strong faith, and things can change. A close friend of mine had had many many problems with her non believing husband for most of her marriage.
However over the years, things have gradually changed, and he isnt the same as he was. yes he can still be difficult, but things are better. Also my friends attitude towards him has changed and she has learnt so much through this time. She said that for her, forgiveness was the major breakthrough for her, for all the things he has put her through, and God has given her a real love for him now that she didnt have before.
Hope that you have good times with your son for the last couple of weeks of the holidays. I am sure he will love the adventure park!

Baroness 18th August 2011 03:12 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
It must be very hard for you dealing with your husband in that kind of marriage, which isn't really a marriage at all if he is not communicating with you and doing those other things. I know how you feel, I am going through the same thing. Especially with a child it can get very confusing.

I was married to my 2nd husband for over ten years and there was nothing between us for most of that. That isn't the man I'm with now. We still had a sex life but I didn't really enjoy it. Our problems were different. I was really overweight then, close to 200 lbs and didn't care about anything but my children. I didn't work and he couldn't hold a job and he just sat there with no emotion at all on his face in front of the tv.

He was lazy also so I had to do most things around the house and since I knew a lot about that it was no problem but I couldn't wait forever to have things done. I am so glad I finally divorced him after he had an affair. I took my children and left before he could destroy them. My daughter had a very sweet personality and I could see the effect he was having on her. My son was older and had to go to counseling because of my husband's unorthodox punishment of him.

Mental cruelty, locking him in the closet and he would threaten my son with harming me if I ever told and so I didn't find out until much later. How hard that must have been for my son but he recovered and is now in the science field and has a son of his own. When we had my daughter I was very protective as well and saw what he was doing to her mentally. He was just a disciplinarian and nothing more.

The best thing I ever did was leave him. He treated me like I was stupid and I think I believed him. I didn't care what I looked like and was so depressed I wouldn't even want to take a shower in the morning. We always had it hard because he couldn't hold onto a job. So anything I go through now with my current h is an improvement over what I had with that idiot.

He finally abandoned my daughter and moved out of state and good riddance. After that I talked to a counselor and got myself together and lost weight and realized that I was not stupid at all but incredibly bright and gifted. We think a man is one way when we first meet them and he was supposed to be a christian so I had no idea the road he's take.

My parent's didn't like him and neither did my brother and so I ended it and moved on and now I find myself in another complicated relationship with a man who doesn't want to have sex any longer and I can't know for sure the reason why because he won't talk about it.

I think its ed but since he m I'm not sure but by our last encounter I think that's the problem but he denies anything is wrong and I'm beginning to wonder in happiness in marriage is even possible for me. I think we have to protect the children first off.

I stayed with him because I didn't want to take my daughter's father away from her and I had two children with no means of support and so I stayed and then later realized it would be better for them to have no father than the one they had. My daughter is a beautiful human being and good christian but who knows what would have happened if I'd staying any longer?

I'd probably be in jail for murder. LOL. I haven't had an easy time with relationships and I've done everything I can so I guess I just made some bad choices. I didn't love my 2nd husband after the first five years and yet I stayed. My current man I have loved for nine years and I didn't expect it to last but it has. He's a good man but thinks only of himself in this situation. He doesn't even try anymore.

My advice to you is to think of your son first and then yourself because our children are dependent on us to make the right choices for them. Now I realize that I don't need a man at all to be happy but I would like it all to work out but sometimes I just want to walk out the door and not look back.

God has given me strength and i've always had it and I know he is helping me with this but it would be incredibly helpful if he would just come down from heaven and sit in my bedroom with me and tell me what to do. I am a ministers daughter and have always loved God and used to have a ministry of healing but that was long ago.

Try to get involved with things that you like to do. Try to make your life happy regardless of what is going on with him. I agree with 1aokgal that a police officers life can be hard but surely that doesn't have anything to do with the lack of sex and porn. What do I know? My h is out there m when I'm in the same house.

Do men just stop caring after they've been with you for awhile? What is it? Boredom? Wanting something new. I'd like something new too but I am committed. He doesn't cheat on me but in a way I feel like that's what he's doing. I don't know why its so hard to be a woman sometimes.

1aokgal 18th August 2011 06:01 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Sasha...

You say "my son" a number of times in your post. Is this child from a former marriage? You feel your husband is not as committed to making his family happy, as you are? Sorry, but you DO have a relationship as you are a family. It seems you are biding your time to finish a course "and say adios this man!"

That sounds like a spider building a web, biding time. Where is the commitment to work to better things there? Have you set your mind the marriage is already over, but haven't clued him in yet? That means he is bringing home the paycheck and you are now unemployed and wait for your opportunity to free yourself. So one day you will decide you are ready to leave. Is there someone else in your life?

It is sad that you all went on this nice trip but you are there physically, but not emotionally, as you wish you were somewhere else. Where would that somewhere else be? Have things improved in your marriage at all?

Sasha, you talk a lot around your faith but it just sounds to me that you are so depressed you struggle for breath. Have you talked to anyone or do you take antidepressants for these problems?
You have no thoughts to hurt yourself? I am concerned for your well being. It is true that many of us at one time or another thought that things were beyond what we could possibly stand. That is when we have to get up again and find answers or get help. Did you look into any counselling for yourself?

Chamomile 18th August 2011 07:33 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 65029)
I am concerned for your well being. It is true that many of us at one time or another thought that things were beyond what we could possibly stand. That is when we have to get up again and find answers or get help. Did you look into any counselling for yourself?

Well, certainly, op has been extremely tolerant in this whole situation...(not sure if I can barely imitate what she's been doing myself in her situation tbh..) It has got to be a limit as to how much one can put oneself through...

Shasha 19th August 2011 07:36 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hello there,
Thanks for your input and questions. First of all, I am employed part time, as a medical secretary. I am a full time parent, meaning that because I work just near our son's school, I am able to drop off and pick him up from sch. Also I am able to run to the school, whenever there is an emergency, which seldom happens. But I am always there for our son.

I say, "my son" when referring to our ten-year-old to keep his name anonymous; but yes, he is both mine and my husband's son. Therefore we both played a part with his conception. There is no other man in my life, except Jesus. I do have friends, both male and female, but I have never been unfaithful to my husband and never will.

If we do break up, my main focus would be in serving our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ and to continue to look after our son, until he is old enough to be independent.

Chamomile is right when she/he (not sure if male or female) mentions about being tolerant. Yes it's true, I have truly adopted a spirit of tolerance, more so for His sake, but also for my son's sake. If there was no child I know I would have packed up and left this marriage, in a jiffy!

As I have been saying, I'm not sure how long I can take it, but I do know this cannot go on forever and something has to give! I'm doing my best to remain sane, as at times living in this house can be so unbearable. Money is not all. My husband does not make all that much money, but his salary does help pay for the bills, which I am grateful for. However, it takes more than his salary to make ends meet. My part time salary especially, brings in extra cash for disposable income, for holidays, etc. So my part time job income, goes a long way.

About working to make the marriage work, I've done that already. God is not in the business of flattery. In fact God despises flattery, as He has mentioned in the scriptures. If my husband does not want to remain married to me, there is nothing I or anyone can do to change that. People change and we've got to accept that. God never forces anyone to do anything they don't want to do. He gives us choices to do what is right or not, but it is up to us to make those choices. My h just does not care anymore and prefers to resort to living a bachelor's life again.

I have not mentioned half of the things that I am going through, but God is my witness. Even our son asks questions when he sees things going on. He has even asked why his daddy does the things that he does and also why he does not take him out and do stuff with him, like his friends' dads.

I believe sometimes the situation is affecting our son and it hurts me to see him suffer, because of his dad's irresponsibility in the home. I have to sometimes comfort him and just say that we need to continue to pray about the situation. Even my friends suspect that things are not right between me and my h and have made comments about our situation.

What can I say, but that it is a great testing, indeed! But who knows where all this is going.
Only God knows.

God bless you.
Shasha.

PS: Just to comment about the counselling question posed by '1aokgal', yes, I have sort counselling from the pastor of our church and also outside help. Then when we get counselling and all goes well for a few days or perhaps weeks, then he, my h slowly slips back into his dirty habits, over and over again. Therefore, there is nothing more I can do or even say, for that matter, than to wholly trust the Lord for some kind of answer, which I do not have at this point in time, except that this too shall pass.

1aokgal 19th August 2011 05:32 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Dear Sasha...

I am relieved to hear more of your mindset here. You sound pretty capable to get through what you need to do if the marriage is no longer working. Women often have to plan a goal to obtain job skills and training in preparation for a future of independence. I hope you give your marriage every chance to improve. It is difficult to begin again and no guarantee of a better life than you have today.

I spent a year in college classes in business skills and obtained a real estate license to work flexibie hours around my full time job. It was all planned around a marriage that was in flames. My daughter was young. I found fine child care with another mother who kept her like one of her own. It was a difficult time, but a transition to a better life. there was no way that marriage would have worked.

My daughter divorced her policeman husband. She made a good transition to buy a home, raises her daughter and has made a fine career. She is happy with her life plan and wouldn't put up with a man who had a double life. He had affairs and put her through a mess.

One day these years are dim memories and things will be better. I never regret my own decisions. Just take things one obstacle at a time.

Baroness 20th August 2011 02:45 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
I know what you mean about not having any answers and just trusting the Lord, but I think he sometimes wants us to just use good judgement. I don't think he wants us to be unhappy. I am also trying to just do the best I can and I also think I'm losing my mind sometimes.

I just don't understand how a man who looked forward to making love suddenly has no interest at all. We had such a good sex life and now its been many months and I think he prefers to m and I don't understand that because of what we had for years. He acts the same, is nice and thoughtful sometimes and he pretends like there is nothing wrong.

I wonder sometimes why he just doesn't leave if he isn't interested and I asked him this and he said he is interested, is still attracted to me and would only leave if I asked him to because I was unhappy. I am but how can I ask him to leave? Not not anyway. I have asked God what to do and felt frustrated because I don't know what to do.

I was out walking today and I told him that he felt so far from me (God) that he hasn't spoken to me in a long time and I feel alone and is said three simple words; Trust in me. I said I do trust him and just hope he still has a plan for my life, but he's in there now watching some dumb movie and has some nudity in it, but the scene was quick and I didn't know what to say since I've gotten on his case about this before.

I personally think we are over because there is nothing between us anymore, and yet I still find myself running in there to get his opinion on my latest hat, like he would even have an opinion but he's all I got. When I get excited about something I want to share it with him and I keep forgetting that there is a vast amount of space between us now.

He doesn't even try and I know you must feel like I do, confused and alone. You have your son to distract you but my children are older, 29 and 35 so there don't live with me. I have a good relationship with my children, like best friends and they understood when I left their fathers and was glad I did. They didn't really miss a father because we had lots of fun, always.

All I can suggest is to figure out what is best for you and your son. It sounds like he is aware of problems between you and for a son to feel like his father doesn't want to spend time with him, is worse than being without a father because his father is in the home, just chooses not to take time with him.

I know what I'm talking about because my father was hardly around and we didn't do much together but we did do some things but when he would go away because he was an alcoholic, I would think it was me. I hope your son doesn't think that he has done something to warrant this kind of behavior. Children only know that their parent isn't doing things with them and of course they will think its because of them.

It was a horrible way to grow up. I would continue to pray about things but if you think this isn't going to change, you have to think about yourself and your son. I stayed with my ex because of the children but I wasn't doing any of us any favors by doing so. I will pray for you and God can give you the strength to get through this.

I do want to point out, however, that it might not change and you will have to deal with him the way he is. Ask yourself if you are prepared to live this way for the rest of your life. God bless you.

Shasha 20th August 2011 07:58 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hiya,
Thanks for your comments, as always. One thing I'd like to point out and that is that my husband, D loves comfort and so, he will not just up and leave just like that.

If he could live in this house forever, he would do so, but I am not prepared to remain in this house until I die, God forbid. He has never left his mother's house to live anywhere in his life. He has always lived at his family's home, until we me and moved to where we are today. He has never been independent on his own, which I believe is another set back in his life.

Therefore, because we live together in the same house, does not mean we have a relationship, far from it. I would prefer to live in a home with just me and my son and have peace and joy, rather than to have someone else in the home, who pretends to be a father and husband and is ineffective in his role and is just filling space in a room. No woman in her right mind would want that. Just having a man in a house, is not all. For me and my son, there is no satisfaction and no happiness with our situation.

Baroness, I am glad you had to guts to leave a miserable marriage that was unfruitful and ineffective, good for you! You did well by your kids. Hopefully, I will be given that same opportunity to make that same decision and to move on with my life, as the Lord leads.

Also, 1aokgal's daughter was independent enough & wise enough to find another home and to make a new life for herself, after her rocky marriage. That takes a lot of courage and determination, I must say! Good for her!

Thanks guys for listening.
Shasha

chosen 20th August 2011 08:45 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Shasha
I agree with you.
I do think that all young adults should live independently for a time before they marry. All of my children have done this, and the oldest who married last April lived away from home for 7 years(he is the best and fastest ironer lol) and the middle one who marries next April will have had 7 years of looking after herself. Its so important that we can all learn basic life skills such as cooking and cleaning and paying bills etc before we marry.

Baroness 20th August 2011 06:25 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Yes, don't do anything unless the Lord leads you to do so. I encourage you to read my post on the thread you went on which is about husbands not wanting sex. I think its important to think about how your h feels too. There you might find a reason for his behavior.

I don't feel God is releasing me from this m just yet. Because of all this happening to me I now have a closer walk with God. If everything had been fine then I might not have come closer to God in this way. So a good thing happened out of all the madness and hurt. Everyone has reasons for acting the way they do but not everyone stops to think about this.

They just react to what is happening to them and not why it is happening. I'm not saying your h has a good reason for being this way but it is still good to try and see things from his point of view. Some men are just idiots and don't care about anything but themselves, but others have genuine reason for their behavior and men find it hard to express themselves sometimes.

I left my ex husband because he didn't care at all about me or how I felt and wouldn't listen to me regarding my children and I told him 'I don't care if you are the one who wears the pants in this marriage and you are the head of the household, I am the one who brought these children into the world and I am their mother and I know what they need and what you are doing to destroy them and I'm not going along with you just because you are the man.
If you are wrong then you are just wrong and I'm not standing by while you take my children's spirit and personality away just because you have a God complex or because you think I have to do what you say just because you are a man. You tell me to submit because it says so in the Bible but you aren't reading what it says about how you are supposed to be to your wife and kids.
I won't submit to you as long as you are wrong. You are no better than me just because you are head of the household and I'm not stupid simpleton to go along with you just because the bible says for me to submit to you. I don't think that scripture applies to stupid men!'

Shasha 21st August 2011 09:14 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hello Baroness,
Good to hear your views, as always.
About my h's behaviour or habit, he has been in this porn thing for a long time, even before I met him and became his wife.
So he really needs to find help with his problem. I came into this marriage thinking he was genuine, until I discovered his bad habit.
If this was revealed to me before our marriage, then I would have urged him to get help and probably we may not be together, because of this red flag!
God bless.
Sha

Baroness 21st August 2011 08:33 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Have you ever talked to him about it and told him it is upsetting to you?

Shasha 22nd August 2011 11:41 AM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hiya,
This situation has gone beyond talking at present, as I have done all that I can possibly do. My h does not talk to me. That's how he is naturally and even his relatives/family always say, "...that's how D is". They know him to be like that. He is very cold and non-interactive, if you know what I mean.

It's like nothing can penetrate through those thick walls he has built up, except the Lord breaking them down.

My talking won't do, as I have come to realise, time and time again. He won't open up and even though he does speak about a subject, it is very limited and then he closes up again. He is like this 24-7.

When I do approach him, in a calm and non-aggressive and non-argumentative manner, so we can talk, he makes excuses and says he is tired and will talk, later and then, when later comes, there is always an excuse not to talk. This has gone on for years, so that I have just thrown in the towel, so to speak.

This guy is one like I have never met before. I have never come across another person with such a problem. I know and understand how men in general won't talk about issues, but this one is the worst! My mother always says, that we should never trust a quiet person, as there are very deep issues with them and you never know when they are going to strike...like still water runs deep, kinda thing.

Yes, I have done all that I can, God knows! Everything under the sun I have already tried, but nothing seems to work and plus I do not know who to turn to about this guy's problem, except to trust the Lord, somehow. The Lord can work in anybody's life, if they'll let Him into their lives. This is what my h needs as to do now....to call on the name of Jesus. He is able to work in his life, but only if he'll let Him.

Thanks.
God bless.
Sha

Raymond 22nd August 2011 12:26 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Hi Sasha. Didn't know you came back. Just back from holiday.

A new turn up is this porn thing. I didn't know about that and it puts a very new slant on it form my point of view. I would bet a lot that this is one of the deep problems in your marriage. I always class this as mental adultery and it will always mitigate against the pure sexual intimacy which you should have in marriage. Have you confronted this? If not I would. Until this is sorted marital bliss will be impossibe. It is possible that he may be addicted by now and will need help. Is he open to that?

It looks like he came in with this problem which is hardly a foundation for a good marriage.

Dependant on how bad it is and how you feel and what your faith is I think that it can be grounds for divorce. Notice I say can be. I would ask God if it is a winnable battle in the sense of him changing bearing in mind that he has freewill. I would say he is being unfaithful to you. Maybe not physically but this porn can take on the same symptoms and the same results as if he was doing adultery. It can sometimes lead to the real thing. Although Jesus did not condone divorce He did make an exception in cases of immorality which speaks to me of how important He saw the sanctity of sex within the marriage.

Chamomile 22nd August 2011 03:30 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Shasha (Post 65133)

My mother always says, that we should never trust a quiet person, as there are very deep issues with them and you never know when they are going to strike...like still water runs deep, kinda thing.

Hi

Your Mother is quite right. I'm in a similar situation re. a quiet one. "These men" (according to what I oft read on this site..) all seem to love their porn in their life and they all tend to be very passive when it comes to REAL intimacy with their partners. Maybe, they even hate real women?

It seems almost as if they were so used to replaying porn in their heads and they become so timid in a real interaction with a "live" female e.g. wife.

These men prefer porn where they are the voyeur (one in control) and passively indulging in their sexual fantasies where their wife doesn't even come near. Your h is there physically, shasha, but he's not really with you mentally. You just don't exist in a real sense in his world whilst his porn might be far more essential in his life by the sound of it.

1aokgal 22nd August 2011 03:59 PM

Re: Married and lonely
 
Raymond...

Do you mean Sasha may have grounds for divorce from a legal standpoint or religious standpoint? If she is in the US there is no grounds due to porn, nor is that adultery. The grounds in this situation would simply be a divorce petition based on, "Irreconcilable differences."

It seems there may be a long while before she is self sufficient enough to decide she has had enough to support herself and live apart. So until there is an escalation of problems she seems stuck. He brings home a paycheck.


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