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-   -   Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=7945)

Daisy 28th October 2011 02:57 PM

Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. Our relationship was fantastic and we were very much in love. We very rarely argue and he has never been anything but kind and loving towards me.
However, about a year ago I noticed he was distant. He stopped complimenting me and was much less affectionate. He didn't want sex very much and that side of our relationship continued to go downhill.
He put weight on, hated his job but if I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. He says he's not depressed.
It all came to a head a few months ago and he admitted he was unhappy in our marriage and didn't think we could fix it. I was shocked and devastated. We talked about what might be making him unhappy and I tried to change and he made an effort too. I thought things were improving.
Then he told me he was still very unhappy and didn't know why but the changes we made hadn't helped. He made an appointment to go to Relate and said I could go if I wanted but he really wanted to go initially on his own.
To cut a long story short he went once then said it was a waste of time and I just didn't make him happy anymore and although he thought he could just carry on he can't anymore and is leaving me.
He says he doesn't know why his feelings changed but he doesn't love me like a husband should although he will always love me. He says we both deserve to be happy and if anyone should be unhappy it should be me not him because I have worked so hard and do so much for him.

The current situation is we are going to sell the house and I will buy somewhere on my own and he will rent somewhere nearby to help look after our dogs who we both love dearly. We have no children out of choice.

I have told him I love him and although I would do anything to save our marriage I will let him go. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. However if he realises he has made a mistake he must tell me.

To be honest I think I'm still in shock. I can't believe someone who I love so much can hurt me like this.
I know it may sound like he has had an affair but I really don't think so. He has let himself go if anything and I pretty much know where he is all the time.

I feel such a failure and really didn't think I'd be single again at 42, just when my self confidence is at a low anyway.
Any advice on how to cope would be appreciated.

Thankyou for reading

Joeschmo 28th October 2011 06:49 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Hi Daisy,

It sounds like you are in a similar place to me, my wife left me...states she doesn't love me in that way anymore...up to then, I had thought that we had a fantastic relationship...

All I can say is that you mustn't blame yourself, you are not a failure, he has been sitting on these feelings for about a year and has not put effort in to save the relationship. He went to relate once!on his own! and said it's not going to work.. it's up to the people to work the therapy it's not like taking a pill.

It does get better though, even though I feel physical pain that my wife has left me, I have realised that i'm slowly getting stronger.

Look after yourself and remember... It's his loss!

Daisy 28th October 2011 09:10 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Thanks Joe
I have read your thread and see how you are managing to move forward although it still hurts like hell.
My husband came home tonight (we are still living together) and I told him I've seen a house I'm interested in buying. Also that I've now told my family we are breaking up so it seems more real.
His reaction was to say he's going for a drive and he went out. I think he was shocked that I am trying to move forward and not begging him to re think his decision.
Good luck to you and I hope you continue to feel stronger.
It's weird when you think you can trust and love someone with all your heart, and they can just walk away ?? I could never hurt him the way he's hurt me, even now.

Daisy 29th October 2011 07:54 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
I went to look at a new house today, he came with me. It's almost like nothings happened. I'm confused about my feelings as I dont seem to be feeling anything today. No tears nothing. I think my brain is trying to protect me and actually won't let me accept what is happening.

Daisy 29th October 2011 10:05 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Cancel that....I've just spent the last hour crying uncontrollably

Forever 29th October 2011 10:09 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
I have a question for you if you would not mind answering...have you found any PORN on his computer?

Daisy 29th October 2011 11:32 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Forever
No he's not into that at all. But the year before we got married he ended the relationship with no good reason but eventually admitted he had hidden a huge amount of debt from me from gambling and had been too scared to tell me.
I have asked him if he's been gambling again or got debts I don't know about and he's adamant he hasnt. I did believe him but am now wondering if that could be it. We did have a credit check though recently and that was okay.

Forever 30th October 2011 01:50 AM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
He acts like a man who is hiding something serious and would rather end the marriage than to have to reveal whatever it is. As a matter of fact, although you do not believe he is into porn, he acts exactly like a man who is...from the emotional distancing to the lack of interest in sex (that is usually the first signs).

Keep your eyes open...you may be surprised....I hope I am wrong...but been there, done that, seen too much of it too often. The only other possibility I can see is depression even though he says he is not....and there is usually a really good reason for that too which he may not want you to know. Does he drink?

I am so sorry that your life is unraveling without any clear explanation as it is. At least others here have their suspicions or answers...you are left without a clue. Maybe your going forward to let him out of the marriage will be the wake up call he needs to dig deeper into whatever is the cause or reveal something to you that you have the right to know.

This is shocking for you, but there definately is something going on over there.

Why have you been having problems with your self esteem?

Daisy 30th October 2011 09:09 AM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
He doesn't drink. I only say my self esteem is low in that I feel old and past my best although I haven't let myself go.
He's never shown any interest in porn. I can actually say his feelings towards being intimate started to change when he thought I was having an affair. I wasn't and was completely shocked he accused me of it. I'd genuinely been working late alot. He had been checking up on my computer and saw I'd created a new e mail address which was only to join flickr . He had been watching me through the curtains late at night when I pulled up in my car and thought I was having secret conversations on my phone etc when I was only replying to messages I'd received on the way home from work.
He was beside himself with jealousy and it took several months to persuade him he was wrong. Sex after that seemed distant on his part then gradually decreased.
Anyway, I agree there may be something he's not telling me or maybe he has just fallen out of love with me and hasn't got the commitment to try and work through it.
It's typical of him to only go to one counselling session then say it's a waste of time. He never has listened to anyone else's advice whatever it's about.
He is a kind man though and whatever issues he has or reasons he has I know he's hurting too and not deliberately hurting me.
Thanks for listening

Chamomile 31st October 2011 05:09 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Forever (Post 66238)
He acts like a man who is hiding something serious and would rather end the marriage than to have to reveal whatever it is.

Keep your eyes open...you may be surprised....I hope I am wrong...but been there, done that, seen too much of it too often.

I am so sorry that your life is unraveling without any clear explanation as it is.

This is shocking for you, but there definately is something going on over there.

Hi

I know what you mean when you say, "he acts like a man who's hiding something" Forever. That's very insightful.

Daisy, Is your h a quiet and reserved type who wants to keep his thoughts to himself usually?

If your h had this "previous" e.g. hiding his debts without you knowing, then doesn't that give you more uncertainty as to what is going on this time? Do you happen to have a joint account which you have access to? Sounds like your h is reluctant to "open up" to you and you are left dumbfounded and thunderstruck by his news of a breakup.

You seem to be rather very accepting and tolerant in this situation.

Daisy 31st October 2011 06:08 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Chamomile
Yes I am uncertain as to the real reason. He insists he's not in debt and I have control over our finances since the debt thing.
He said last night we got married for the wrong reasons. I said I married him because I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. He said the same but that the trigger to get married was the relief of him finally telling me about the gambling and because he loved me it seemed that was the only thing in the way so once I knew marriage was the next step.
I've given so much of my life to this man and to our relationship I can only accept him saying it's over. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same, even though he keeps telling me he'll always love me.
I've tried so hard to be a good wife and always put him first. I can't do anything else but accept what he says. My head is so tired of thinking about where it all went wrong.
What else can I do?

Joeschmo 31st October 2011 06:19 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Chamomile (Post 66295)

You seem to be rather very accepting and tolerant in this situation.

I think from the outside people would think I am also (Daisy and my situations seem similar) personally I feel like I'm in shock..

I'm not sure if that's similar for you Daisy.

Chamomile 31st October 2011 07:22 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Daisy (Post 66297)
I can't do anything else but accept what he says. My head is so tired of thinking about where it all went wrong.
What else can I do?

Hi Daisy

I do admire your saner approach.
It is so sad to discard a perfectly functional marriage to my mind. Your h should at least, give more time and effort in repairing his marriage.

You know you have heard about the book called "I love you but I am not in love with you" by Andrew G Marshall.

Your h sounds more like, "well, this marriage was a mistake after all, maybe, a new relationship can make me happy." Are you sure your h isn't finding a relief from his unhappy marriage else where? Are you sure it was gambling that he had spent so much money on? Sometimes, financial irresponsibility could be associated with cheating.

He is obviously making mistakes from deciding not to work on the marriage. I do wonder if he's already distracted by another love interest? Hope that is not the case.

Isn't it so awful finding yourself in this right now but believe me many of us have been through this. Stay strong xx

Daisy 31st October 2011 07:35 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Joe
Yes I think I am still in shock. I put on a brave face at work today, although I've told people we're splitting up I've said I don't want to talk about it ( which I dont because I'll break down and I have a very stressful and responsible job) and I need to keep calm.

Chamomile
If he's got another love interest I'd be very surprised how he's found the time. He rarely socialises.
He shows none of the classic signs. I always know where he is. He doesn't hide his phone or computer.

Thanks both for your comments.

1aokgal 31st October 2011 08:26 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
There are a lot of pointers to situation he feels very depressed about with the weight gain and depression. He feels badly and he wants to do the right thing and he does not want his wife to be unhappy. He indicates he loves her but " is not in love with her" as he was at the beginning. Sorry, But I see things differently than others.

I see a man who turns self hatred inward. It is not what he is eating, but what eats him. Do you have any reason to believe this man is confused about his own sexuality? There are so many instances I know about with men who left marriages to pursue and alternate lifestyle. Not women, I mean.
A man may marry to mask feelings and to fit into the mold to family and friends. He denies inner feelings and later finds he can't live a lie. Gambling can be used as a sexual substitute with poor impulse control issues. It might be a quick fix to feeling depressed for him.

Such male encounters can be transient and distubing. These encounters may go on for years undetected. A man can be influenced or abused as a child and have that confusion. It is common today to hear a man will leave wife and children to accept there is a problem. It is also true there is more counselling of men who are subliminally sexually confused. If that is a situation most never admit the problem but will discuss with counselor.

The best course would be to marital counselling to get to answers.

Forever 31st October 2011 09:25 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Given the information we have so far, it looks like he just was not ready for marriage...yet did not have any concrete reason not to just go ahead and jump in after the gambling issue was disclosed. Maybe he was getting pressure from friends or relatives to do so (after seven years of being together) and just went with the flow, or he just figured it was the "right" thing to do for YOU since he could see how much you loved him.

For him to act jealous and suspicion about you possibly cheating....actually trying very hard to catch you at it, makes me think that he has had regrets for a long time and perhaps if he could have caught you, then he would have a good reason to "pull out" of the relationship without trying to figure out the real reasons why he does not want to remain in it, even though you do.


I think his weight gain is just an indication of his unhappiness (comfort eating). He seems very emotionally immature...expecting you to "make him happy" as though you are responsible for that primarily, is not reality. Also, I am wondering if you are the one with a job you love and a greater income than he? You said he hates his job...could he be projecting that misery onto the relationship? Perhaps he feels that if he gets rid of the marriage, the house and anything else that makes him feel shackled to having to keep that job, only then can he feel good about quitting it.

May I ask your ages?

Chamomile 1st November 2011 12:15 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Forever (Post 66305)
Given the information we have so far, it looks like he just was not ready for marriage...yet did not have any concrete reason not to just go ahead and jump in after the gambling issue was disclosed. Maybe he was getting pressure from friends or relatives to do so (after seven years of being together) and just went with the flow, or he just figured it was the "right" thing to do for YOU since he could see how much you loved him.

For him to act jealous and suspicion about you possibly cheating....actually trying very hard to catch you at it, makes me think that he has had regrets for a long time and perhaps if he could have caught you, then he would have a good reason to "pull out" of the relationship without trying to figure out the real reasons why he does not want to remain in it, even though you do.

Hi

I have a similar view on this.

Was he ever in love with Daisy? Love is complete when both ppl loving each other but it is not exactly workable when one being in love and the other loving the other like a "friend". If he was never in love with Daisy but he wanted a relationship so that he won't get "lonely", it's not exactly a solid foundation to build any lasting relationship.

Did he ever propose to you in an earlier stage of this relationship? Some unmarried couples buy a house together whilst living as cohabitants. If that leads to a successful marriage or not, I don't know. In your case, you decided to marry after seven years in a relationship. 7 years is such a long time before deciding to marry? He wasn't exactly in a hurry to marry you?

About his gaining weight. Men do have a tendency to put on some weight when he's happy and is more relaxed once he found a mate in a secure relationship. If your h is busy with his work and is working long hours then, he might be tempted to have more "munchies" at lunch time? He might want to consider adding some exercises if he can?

Chamomile 1st November 2011 12:25 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 66302)
There are a lot of pointers to situation he feels very depressed about with the weight gain and depression. He feels badly and he wants to do the right thing and he does not want his wife to be unhappy. He indicates he loves her but " is not in love with her" as he was at the beginning. Sorry, But I see things differently than others.

Hi

I do value a spirit of dialogue on this site where people can listen to one another without restrictions. There is little or no point of protecting this or that idea. If any of us would entertain a fixed position, it's no longer a free dialogue and it's bound to cause a distortion ending up with a constant adversarial tendency to no good whatsoever.

It's often very insightful to read your posts. Who knows? We have had some previous examples of what you have described. It's hard to say but from what I have read so far, this man is a very quiet type..how participatory he would be in a couple therapy, I would wonder?

Daisy 5th November 2011 04:40 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Thanks for all your thoughts. He was most definately in love with me when we married. It was his idea not mine. I was perfectly happy just as we were but wanted to buy a house together but we couldn't until he'd told me about the debts. We only lived together for a few months before we got married. We are both very independent and had lived on our own for years.
The reason he put on weight was from quitting smoking 60 a day! It did make him depressed that he put on so much weight.
We both earn the same wage.
I am tired of trying to come up with answers. Is it not just possible he fell out of love and being married isnt what he thought it would be, rather than there being a big secret?
By the way he is definitely not gay.

Forever 5th November 2011 09:54 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
No, it is highly unlikely that he could have just fallen "out of love" with you and that marriage is "just not what he thought it would be"...unless...he thought your job was to keep up a level of excitement up for him so that the thrills never quit. Then the idea of what love or marriage is for him means something entirely different than what it is in reality.

Otherwise, there is definately something going on that you are not aware of....maybe he is in denial about being depressed?

Chamomile 7th November 2011 01:11 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Daisy (Post 66495)
I am tired of trying to come up with answers. Is it not just possible he fell out of love and being married isnt what he thought it would be, rather than there being a big secret?

Hi

So long as you are OK with the situation, then it's really up to you. Perhaps, you are mentally moving on and perhaps us "interfering" isn't producing any good feelings.

All the best to you

Joeschmo 28th November 2011 11:51 AM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Hi Daisy,

I'm just checking in to see how you are doing. Your situation seemed so similar to mine. I have had the occasional good day when I have approached something like feeling happy and haven't thought about my wife at all. I guess time can be a healer, or you just get used to them not being around. I'm not saying that I don't miss her or having that special person to share my life with.

Something that helped me quite a bit was to change the flat around quite a bit especially changing the sofa where she used to sit. The flat looks less like she has popped out for a pint of milk and I'm just waiting for her to come home.

I don't understand why she left me, I probably never will, she says that she stopped loving me, so I guess I have to take that answer, and she never was one for lying. I think she stopped trying, like they say - love is a verb.

I've been trying to think of this in a positive way (hard tho) she could have stayed with me out of guilt or duty and we could have been in this situation in 5 years time and hating each other.

Just my thoughts - I know I've been banging on about my problems but I felt that they might help.

Take care.

Joe

Daisy 29th November 2011 09:28 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Hi Jo. Thanks for your message. I'm glad to hear you sounding like you are coping although I'm sure like me you just wish you could wake up and find it's just a bad dream.
My situation hasn't changed. We haven't had any interest in the house and neither of us can afford to move out until it's sold so I'm sort of in limbo.
I know I can't start to move on until I have my own place.
I feel like I'm on auto pilot most of the time. Some days like today I just feel desperately sad. A colleague at work who I don't know very well but lives nearby saw the for sale board up and asked why we were moving. I broke down on the stairs at work (never a good look) and felt an idiot and then she felt terrible for asking a perfectly reasonable question.
I've been feeling very down all day since then. Having to tell people makes it real and also makes me feel like such a failure.
I know I don't deserve to be deserted like this. I'm not perfect but he clearly was never committed to our marriage when to me it was for life.
We don't argue, infect he acts pretty normally around me and is probably being more kind Nd considerate that he used to be. I'm under no illusions though that that's just guilt.
I feel the best part of my life is over. I've made a terrible mistake in marrying someone thinking they were as committed as I was.
My parents are both elderly and in bad health too and it's another massive worry to me and I have to put on a brave face to them. It hit me how alone I am now when my mum was taken into hospital a couple of weeks ago and he didn't offer to come with me when I had to rush up there in the night.
Anyway, there's my update. Not very positive I know but you asked!
Daisy

Joeschmo 30th November 2011 01:10 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
I'm glad to hear you sounding like you are coping - some days I am am, some days I just don't want to get out of bed. although I'm sure like me you just wish you could wake up and find it's just a bad dream. - every day, every day.

I broke down on the stairs at work (never a good look) and felt an idiot and then she felt terrible for asking a perfectly reasonable question.
I've been feeling very down all day since then. Having to tell people makes it real and also makes me feel like such a failure. - Remember its not your fault, Love is a verb, it's not something you have or are given, it's something you do and unfortunately your husband (and my wife) stopped.

I know I don't deserve to be deserted like this. - You don't. If someone believed in the realtionship enough to stand up infront of a vicar/registrar to commit to it, they should be prepared to work at it even when it's not easy.

I feel the best part of my life is over. I've made a terrible mistake in marrying someone thinking they were as committed as I was. - This was kind of the point of my last message, I have felt pretty much the same and could not see my life without Kelda, however on the days when I feel "better" I have realised that it isn't game over and I have the chance to be happy with someone else who will think I am fabulous and although I never though I would be single when I am 40 it doesn't mean I don't have many years of happiness with someone else. I doubt it'll be this year as I'm not the greatest catch at the moment. (being in love with your ex is never a great selling point) but theres many years left.

My worse days tend to happen when I have spent time with her and the good days when I have not seen her for a while, this means that it must be very very difficult in your situation and I would think that you to be able to heal there must be a way for you to seperate. I know that I could not have come as far as I have (which doesn't feel very far) if she was there at the breakfast table every day. After all, if he's leaving you, then he should leave you and stay with a friend or something.


Anyway, there's my update. Not very positive I know but you asked! - take care.[/QUOTE]


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