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-   -   Renewing our wedding vows (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=5597)

dawn33 5th January 2009 11:31 AM

Renewing our wedding vows
 
This year me and my husband as been married 15yrs we've been together since i was 13 and my husband was 15
i am now 36
i love my husband so much and he is a very good dad thats not the problem
it's this there seem to be no time for us i've tried to tell him but he does'nt listen to me
Last year i tried to kill myself we was having a bad time in our marriage money problems
they are getting sorted now.
then just before xmas he asked me to marry him again he booked the church and thats all he's done
when i say i will need a new outfit all he says is you have plenty of cloths in your wardrobe but i want to look good for him and feel good myself
DO i
1 cancel the wedding
2 do it my way
3 help
many thanx

Dave 9th January 2009 10:36 AM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
Hi Dawn,

The first thing that strikes me is that your husband is trying, in his way, to show you that he really values your mariage - the trouble seems to be that you both speak very different "love languages"! You want time and attention - he wants to make grand gestures etc.

I'd start by reading the article here on the site about love languages, and perhaps buying the book. Let him find it lying about, or, if you can, see if he'll read a bit with you.

You could also talk to the priest whose going to do the service, and see if they offer the Marriage Course or similar - would your husband be open to "preparing" to renew his vows?

I think the key thing is too say "yes" to your husband, but make it clear that you see it as something really important, and that you want both of you to put in some work on understanding what the vows really mean for you both. That's probably more important in the long term than the dress etc.

Let us know how things work out

Best wishes

Dave

Ageing Grace 10th January 2009 10:08 PM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
Hi, Dawn :)

I just want to support what Dave said: it's not the dress, it's the meaning of the ceremony that counts.

I'm so sorry you were suicidally depressed last year. How awful that you had to get through that, with the children depending on you and everything. I hope you found some decent treatment?

Almost everyone finds it incredibly hard to cope with a depressed partner (I have depression, too). Worse, the depression shuts you down so you can't even explain yourself properly to the one person that cares most ... it stinks.

Please try not to blame your husband too much, if he didn't support you how you would have liked while you were ill. I say this because there seems to be an amount of bitterness in your post; if so, it's extremely understandable. A year isn't all that long - average recovery time is 3-5 years :eek: You must still be feeling a bit fragile.

It looks like your husband has proposed the renewal ceremony as a romantic & meaningful gesture. That's very sweet! Maybe he hasn't gone further with the arrangements because he's nervous about your reaction ... What do you think?

The resources Dave suggested are pretty good, in the sense of overcoming communication barriers which you seem to have at the moment. Anything that gets you talking to each other about what you want & hope for (not just money, the personal stuff) would have to be a good thing :)

A word about the dress: Yes, you very much need to feel special if/when you do your ceremony. You know as well as I do, a new dress perks you up but there is far more to feeling 'special' than a few yards of satin. Just go buy a new everyday dress for the hell of it: how long is it since you shopped for something pretty?

Wear it when you talk to your man about the conversations you really want to have with him :) :)

love,
AG

1aokgal 10th January 2009 11:11 PM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
Dawn...

Most stores with wedding dresses run super sales. There are also ads ALL the time on Ebay (or in the newspaper) there are such dresses worn once and sold for a token price. Make an offer if in doubt. Purpose of a wedding dress? One time wear.

The depression/suicide attempt terrible choice. You are still here so perhaps it was a STRONG call for help. Hope you followed this with counselling needed. That is usually a gift of anger for the one left behind. Were you/are you that angry?

dawn33 13th January 2009 11:08 AM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
morning and thank you for all your replys
i'm upset your it's not the dress
i have good days and i have days
my husband is the best i just feel like i can't talk to him about what i did
i know it was hard for him to deal with watching me in hospital at the time i did'nt want to live i just could'nt see any way out and to today i still can't see any way out i can't talk to people because they may think i'm mad and take my kids of me
i'm not mad i just get so low that i can't see any way out i've not even told any of my friends what i did i lost my job because i had alot of time of work
and most days i feel so alone with no 1 to talk to

Ageing Grace 14th January 2009 06:09 AM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
Hi, Dawn. I'm very sorry that what I said upset you. I meant that whatever you wear, the day will still be special. Of course it's nice to have a lovely dress for such an important occasion, and it does make you feel more special :)

It's awful for you that you're stuck on your own with no-one to talk to. Thank you for taking the trouble to reply here, I know how hard it can be sometimes!

I lost my job, too. I didn't tell anybody what was wrong with me for ages. I did have a counsellor, but was sometimes too depressed to go to my appointments! It's a horrible thing but please remember IT DOES GET BETTER. Also, you are not alone! About a third of ALL people suffer severe depression during their lives. So, most people really do know what it's like.

You have some good days, so you are on the mend :)

I'm not going to bore you with "you need to talk" - I'm sure you already know that :rolleyes:
It's tough that you can't talk to your husband about it; often our partners think it's their fault, or want to "fix" us - that can make things feel worse, can't it?

There are some brilliant websites that can help you do your own therapy, and help to explain what's happening to those who love you. If you'd like some links, please post back.

Wishing you some more good days ...
love,
AG

1aokgal 14th January 2009 08:10 AM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
Dear Dawn33...

I hope you feel better and excited to plan a wedding. Look on Ebay and hunt the sales. You just have to be very sure to measure the correct size. Best is to go try on some dresses and be sure of size if you buy one ordered.

It feels terrible to lose a job. I lost one years ago and I felt bad for a long time. I felt inadequate and stupid because I knew that women in this department disliked me from the time I was hired. I was younger, well dressed and came in over the head of one who wanted that job as assistant manager. I was hired by a division manager over her chance to promote into that.

That woman had her own cheering squad who felt she was passed over unfairly, She really was good at gossip and managed to create such a hostile group that it just did not work out. I made good commissions for the company but there was such discord I was transferred to another store location. That store was in a next city and a hardship for me. Nothing went right and we both felt it best I resign. I was depressed and upset for a long time plus the loss of the money hurt as well. It took months before I found another situation and part of that was my own loss in confidence.

It was months later when I heard the company finally fired her as just a plain troublemaker. I was not the first or last she forced out. They saw the pattern and had enough of her. That was kind of a vindication for me but it is a very bad feeling whether you resign or they fire you. That is a big stress point in most peoples' lives. I think I laid around, ate and slept, for the first week and had not enough energy to peel an apple. I never wanted to talk about this and hated when others asked me why I transferred. I sure did not want to say because they wanted to get me out of that department.

Later I had the confidence to take some bold steps so I did not have to work for somebody else. We all have such experiences that can shake our foundation of self esteem and confidence. We grieve for a time and then put it behind. Anyone who loses a job has a huge smack to endure and we need to understand it takes time to get back on the horse as they say. What did we learn from the experience?

I think if I had it to do over I might have spoken to the woman directly and said I realize it was hard when someone came from outside and stepped into the job she wanted. Maybe we would have talked and she would have been less treacherous to see me fail.

Dawn33, I hope you realize that you would devastate your family and those who care about you if you feel bad and do not reach out and seek help when you need it. Then the ones left behind feel that they failed and don't know what they did wrong to fail you. Nothing is ever so bad that we cannot get another chance to repeat and do it better next time. This forum is a good place to talk about our feelings but it does not take the place of a friend who will listen.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with things as well.....lonely and sad. So I bought a handsome big dog and put a lot into training him. He is a great companion and my cats as well. Animals are proved to bring down blood pressure and give us emotional peace when we hold them and talk to them. I had a friend a few years back who really treated me scuzzy and threw a close friendship away. Since then I don't feel so trusting as to want to put myself out there for another so my animals are very appreciated.

I don't say we should isolate ourselves but sometimes a vacation from others is not such a bad idea. I now have a group in dog training to attend. There are some mutual interests.

About the dress. I was SUCH a sensible woman I bought a short cream (really pretty dress) for a small church ceremony. I regret I did not go ALL the way and buy a dress that was long and beautiful when I had the chance. I could have found a dress for slightly more money as they were on sale anyway. Hunt for a dress you like and enjoy doing it.

Ageing Grace 15th January 2009 02:39 AM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
For what it's worth - I made my wedding dress. I refused to pay hundreds for a one-day frock! It cost me 80 in utterly swanky material, and people still ask me now for my dressmaker ;)
I sold it for a fiver on ebay.

It is just a dress for one day, Dawn.

Far more important to feel good in yourself.

If I had, say 100 budget, I'd spend 20 on a 'recycle' dress and 80 on a fabulous facial.

It's not the dress that counts, it's who's inside it!!
xx

Added: In case you were wondering, the cost of my dress would have to come out of our holiday budget, as we were paying for our wedding ourselves. So I wanted to be lovely, but not spend much.
What I did spend:-
3.5m Silk satin + 1.5m lace (bought online from Indonesia) - 80
Facial: 40
Body massage: 60
Flowers: 30 (my sisters-in-law did my hair & made the bouquet)
Total: 210.
It was a beautiful wedding. Really, you don't have to spend a fortune! All that matters is you two ... and feeling good about it :)

dawn33 16th January 2009 10:24 AM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
morning thank you for your kind words at this time in my life i don't know if i'm coming or going
i've brought a dress it was reduced by 70% bargain
it's not about the dress it's how people see me and if people found out what i did last year they won't understand why i did what i did
when i was in hospital the doctors treated me as a junkie like it was something i did every weekend but i so low and could'nt see any way out of this no one will talk about what i did i'm so ashamed of what idid i've not told anyone out side the family because they will judge me and they don't know how i felt and still feel
i've 3 dogs i tell them more then i tell my husband
some days i could just stay in bed then other days i get up and i can do any thing
thanks for taking the time to read this

dawn
xx

Ageing Grace 17th January 2009 02:06 AM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by dawn33 (Post 40844)
morning thank you for your kind words at this time in my life i don't know if i'm coming or going
i've brought a dress it was reduced by 70% bargain

Thank you for writing back, Dawn :) Glad you found a dress - and well done on the bargain!!!

I'm shocked to hear the hospital treated you that way: no wonder you felt so down on yourself afterwards. I'm sure you realise they are just very busy (and perhaps inexperienced), so their attitude in no way reflects on you yourself. But it's still dreadful they didn't provide counselling or even a few kind words :mad:

There's nothing at all to feel ashamed about. What makes you think people would judge you, Dawn? I do hope there's somebody near you, who is kind enough to listen & make you cups of tea .... a sister, maybe, or an old friend?
Some of them are probably worried about you, but scared to say anything ...

Depression makes you feel that you are horrible. It's an illness. Nobody knows exactly what causes it, but it very definitely can be treated and it does get better. The medications for depression are a lot better now than they were 10 years ago, and therapy has come on really fast.

There's a method called CBT, which is available on the NHS if you're in the UK. It only takes 6 sessions to make a difference. There's a bit about it here:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealt...ments/cbt.aspx

As it says, CBT is usually prescribed along with antidepressants. Your doctor should be able to sort you out with all this :cool:

Once you're getting some treatment, it feels a bit easier to let other people know you're unwell. That was true for me, anyway.

Mind you, my mother's still hopeless with it! She rambles on about me being "addicted to those drugs" and saying there's nothing wrong with me ... it's very depressing!!! :eek: Most other people have been great though, much more understanding than I expected.

Once I started telling people I'm on antidepressants, it was incredible how many of them said they are, too! I'm absolutely sure that statistic about a third of the population is true. However much you feel you're on your own, the world's full of people having down days. They do understand what it's like for you.

I'm having one myself, today :( I hate the thought that you're suffering on your own, Dawn. Please talk to your doctor.

Enjoy trying out your outfit! Take good care of you.
AG xx

1aokgal 24th January 2009 07:58 PM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
Dear Dawn33...

Great you found a dress and can feel really pretty for such a nice event. I hope you will focus on the really nice things coming up for you and begin to feel better.

When we talk about other people and what they think about us, I heard once 80% don't care and are too busy with their own problems to worry about us and 15% might wish us bad luck so only 5% are worth to worry what they think about our lives. That 5% are family and people who know us well and understand and care about us. They are not interested to be impressed but eager to help us. What is most important is you fogive yourself for any imperfections and accept yourself, just as you are. Then work to think more positive thoughts as it is a habit.

When I was a kid...I am older than you...that childrens' book series was popular and later made into the movie,"Pollyanna." Did you ever read or see this movie? It is a about a child who was orphaned and had to go and leave in a town where her aunt would raise her. She had a game she learned from her father called the Glad game. Whenever there were any negative things she was to turn it around to something positive. I loved the book and read it over and over. Perhaps it is ingrained in my personality.

All my life I have used that philosophy to accept and deal with sad or unhappy events to turn them around and it has made me stronger. Perhaps you will treat yourself to get this video or DVD or read the book in the library. I would call it a happy book. There are also several other books in the series and I read them all. Books can be great esape routes. They also say when you are down..do whatever you usually do to get yourself up. I paint and that is a fine way to spend a lot of time doing busy work. Sometimes i talk here when I am lonely and the house is quiet.

Like you, I have animals..cats and a big over friendly puppy I need to take out now and spend time with him. I hope he will be my best friend when I get him trained if he dosen't bruise me up first. He bruised my leg trying to run around me and collided with my leg because he has a big body and uncoordinated. Sure a funny way to get a bruise.

Spend time with your dogs and talk to them like you say you do. They are smarter than the men in our lives anyway.

nagupete 24th February 2009 01:54 AM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
Wow girl i really admire you for keeping that marriage for so long. It saddened me because you want to take your life... It is really admireable, the two of you married at a very young age. Well, I guess man are not really that glamorous, they always want to keep things in a very simple way...but i am sure girl that will be very meaningful to him and he will hold it dearly. I have same situation, me and my husband just month old married in a very small and simple way... because that is he want, but we need to remarry again because he promise my parents that he will marry me again in my country and he want it so simple as it is, but since i am the one who will plan everything i will get what i want that will make me happy without telling him, if everything is there he cannot say no it. You can do that, i guess you also have the right to say what you want, that will make you happy. It sounds tricky...but we need to cross the bridge. Cheers, Nagupete from teeth whitening products

Ageing Grace 5th March 2009 12:25 AM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
Dawn, Dave's moved your thread, bless him :) It's here: http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=5689

AG xx

Kinerick 5th April 2009 01:29 AM

Re: Renewing our wedding vows
 
I would say "congratulation for staying in marriage that long with so much love" Well, for me fancy dress is not important. Me and My hubby marry wearing pants and just long sleeve tops. What is important is our union and the sacrament. You should be proud of yourself, not trying to end you life because you're husband is not paying attention for all those things. Marry even if your going to wear just your house dress, the most important is that, your husband loves you and he wont cheat on you. good luck


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