Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
I just found this page, as I have been going through a similar situation. Married 23 years. Currently seperated and ready to divorce. I was raised by both parents, who were together until death. I loved the fact that my parents stayed together, until the last year of my mother's life. Her and my father never got along in the sense of "being in love". It was more out of obligation. During the last year of my mothers life I saw her deep unhappiness. Her dreams of doing certain things, taking trips, living out goals were coming to an end. Not that my father prevented her from doing certain things, but compromise comes at a price. So she never started that business, never took the trips, didn't live out her singing career because my father wasn't supportive in those type things. They would argue and fight over the years, she would threaten leaving or he would do the same. But they never did. And me and my siblings were happy. But, seeing her in her last days unhappy, regretful, unfulfilled killed me. My mother was extremely religious, and was at peace spiritually, that I do know. I'm sure it was her religious beliefs and us kids that kept her married. In hindsight I wish it didn't. That is why I've come to that decision in my marriage. I could soldier on for better or worse. I could continue to settle and compromise, but to what end. I was always a better or worse guy until my mother's death. No one should have to live with depression, regret, sorrow, being unfulfilled, and wanting more out of life. Not my mother, not Sunny, or anyone else. Nor should my spouse have to be with someone who is not able to be loved as I believe God intended. In reality, for me and I'm sure other's, I've only stayed married this long for the kids, relatives, friends, appearence, benefits and perks. However, the real reason to get married has long since faded. My spouse, who actually left me, wants to work things out and stay together. But my heart is no longer in it. I love and care for her, but really as a friend. I just can't continue on knowing I can't reciprocate her love. That's not fair.
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Magneto it depends on whether you believe in keeping the vows and promises you made to your wife or not. If you are a Christian, you have no biblical reason to end the marriage. No one ever said that we must have that 'in love' feeling to keep those vows. Love is relative and we can make that decision to love no matter how we 'feel'. Feelings come and go, responsibilities as a spouse and father are lifelong ones.
Your father didnt stop her from doing those things you said, it was her decision not to. She could have done more but for whatever reason didnt. As a mother my children's well being always came first no matter if that meant I had less or did less. I would never ever have left them or ended my marriage just because I felt unfulfilled. Thats totally selfish. Once the children have grown, we have the time do to more but many just never bother. Dont blame that on her husband or marriage. You can get out of life what you put in. You can do things you want to do WITH your wife. You don't need to end a marriage to do that. |
Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
You can only do things with your spouse if they want to do those things. If you have similar interest, hobbies, etc. than that is true. I'm not placing blame on my father. My mother loved traveling, he didn't. She loved going to church, he didn't. She loved being with friends and family, and he didn't. Now she could have done those things by herself, and some she did. But, why be married if to have a meaningful life you have to do those things by yourself. I am a christian, but I do not take literally everything in the bible, nor do i believe that abuse and adultery are the only reasons to get a divorce. I believe God wants us to have full, rewarding, and meaningful lives. I don't believe wanting to be happy is selfish.
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Who knows if your father and mother had had good counseling whether the marriage would improved? I believe in commitment but one also needs to be willing to work on a marriage. Staying together needs to be more than a legal thing of course. The marriage needs life in it which comes when they both work at love. Personally I take the vows very seriously and because of that I will work hard at it if need be. Most of the problems come with selfishness I am beginning to understand and that goes to the root of who we are.
Why are you not able to be loved by your spouse? Please clarify. |
Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
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Many married couples do things separately such as holidays, hobbies, interests and other things. I cant see what is wrong with that. We dont have to always do everything together. I know a couple who have a very happy marriage, but during the week they do many things separately as well as together. She is off to Canada soon to see her uncle. He isn't going and doesn't feel he needs to. They also have many holidays together. As far as I can see, the only allowable reason for divorce is sexual immorality. I would say abuse is a good reason to separate at least, but where does God say that we can just leave if we are bored or don't feel we love our spouse any more? Where does he says that if we feel frustrated we can just abandon out families? If we all did that no marriage would ever survive. Marriages need work and effort and it would be sad for yours to end just because your mum didn't change anything in her own life. Marriage is what you make if it. |
Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
When a person tells you on multiple occasions that they don't like, don't feel love for you, say they aren't your friend, say you have nothing in common, etc., you start to lose love for that person. Who would marry someone with those feelings toward them....So why would you stay married to someone who professed those feelings. I will always have love (friendship, my kids mother, family), but no longer feel the love as I did that brought me to the alter. I thought when I got to 20 years we would renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But, I couldn't honestly stand again in front of my spouse, our families, friends, and God and make a commitment that I don't feel I can honor. When I did that originally I was all in.... can't even come close to saying that now. Not that I haven't tried to keep things going, but this wasn't what I committed to when I said "I do". For me telling someone "I don't love you" is worse than adultery. So for someone to tell me that...well it's been downhill really ever since. It basically destroys the foundation of the purpose of the marriage. One thing I have learned in life is that if you are not happy, you can't bring happiness to others. For me to remain unhappy in marriage erases any hope that my spouse will be either. My mom's joy came from her kids. However, her and my father were rarely happy together. (my recollection). I know they loved each other, but I do feel sad that they never really enjoyed life after the kids left. Things just got worse. They basically just coexisted in a house together....Roommates. I don't want that for me or my spouse.
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Chosen..I never said that my father wasn't a christian. He just didn't attend church. I think there is a difference between doing things alone, and being alone doing things. Example..I can love bird watching. My spouse appreciates and supports that, but has no interest. That's fine. But, if my spouse doesn't care to understand, support, and/or deters me from my passion, than that is another thing. As far as the bible goes i think people pick and choose what they value nowadays. Isn't stoning and sacrifice in the bible(of course), tithing is too, but we have made our own interpretation of that nowadays as well.
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We all have a choice to go our way or Gods, but in my experience God always knows best. |
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If you think we have to keep all the OT laws then good luck to you. There are hundreds and hundreds. |
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I personally think nobody can condemn you for your own action which was taken after long and careful considerations in several aspects e.g. moral, practical etc etc. Pulling out Bibles quotes to condemn other people's action and preach against is not what this site is meant for. |
Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
No there should never be any condemnation for people on here Roses. You are right. That is not what this site is for. We may not agree with a person's views but that doesn't give us the right to condemn. People come on here for advice not condemnation and we accept them where they are at not where we would like them to be.
I think it is very hard if your wife says she doesn't love you and doesn't even like you Magneto. Has she apologised for speaking like that? That would leave a massive obstacle for working on the marriage I would think. |
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