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-   -   Husband doesn't want sex (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=2363)

chosen 23rd May 2011 04:00 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
baroness. How old is he?
From what you said it may be a medical issue, but I am not sure that you can put it down to the age gap, as 10 years isnt that big. Men in their 70s and even 80's, father children. Diabetes for example, can caused problems with getting/maintaining an erection and there is a simple urine test for that.
Its hard to say about the masturbation, whether the fact that he does that is the reason that he isnt interested in sex with you, or whether he has found that masturbating is the only way that he can orgasm. Whichever way, he does need to get checked up by a doctor, and I hope that he will agree to go and have some simple tests.If left undisgnosed, diabetes for example, can be dangerous anyway. so its worth getting checked for his own safety.
It does seem odd that he was so virile one minute and then seemed to stop fairly suddenly, unless there is a medical reason.

If you are married, then looking elsewhere for sex and thinking of being unfaithful surely isnt right? It wont help and will just hurt you and him and others as well.

Just out of interest, what is the difference between cable porn and 'actual' porn? If he is watching porn and'or masturbating on a regular basis, that would account for his lack of interest for normal sex. It does make it harder for men to get aroused by normal healthy means over time..Thats why its so damaging.

Baroness 23rd May 2011 04:38 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
It isn't that I would be unfaithful, I would leave him and find someone who knows i'm alive. I do think its a physical problem but the fact that he won't talk to me about it doesn't help and he won't go to the doctor to seek help. He's been to the doctor a couple of months ago and if he mentioned it to him, I don't know about it. He's a very proud man but am I supposed to just live with this? He's 65 and I don't appreciate him thinking that I will just go along with this. However, I have just gone along with it.
I am not a domineering person and I don't make demands, I speak in a sweet tone because that is my nature. He has seen me mad however but we try to avoid getting mad at each other. What's their to get mad at? We only talk about his volunteer work, nothing on a personal level. The difference between cable porn is that they don't actually show the actual act, the women are naked and so are the men but there are no closeups of the actual deed. Porn that you can order from your cable co. is much more explicit.
He actually goes to bed before cable porn even comes on which is later at night and he's usually alseep by ten at the latest. He's a volunteer up and a canyon park and works physically on the trails so he's tired when he comes home but he only does that 3 times a week and on the weekends he mans the kiosk until noon, directing visitors.. He's always home by noon and sometimes I think that his volunteer work is the only thing he cares about. I do know he believes in God and meditates and was a catholic and I come from a penicostal background and was a ministers daughter.
Nothing has prepared me for this and because adultry goes against the bible is the only reason I haven't seriously thought about it. I could leave him but I hate to do that.

chosen 23rd May 2011 05:39 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
baroness
Showing men and women naked is still serious porn, so if he is watching some of that it will be affecting him. At 65 men are slowing down sexually. You must be my age(55). I guess this a second marriage for you guys? We are in our second marriage also.We have been married 6years this year.
Mens sexual peak is apparently in their early 20's, and women is in their 40's and 50's so its not surprising that there is a difference I guess.

I believe that where I live in the uK you can have a test for diabetes at the pharmacy. Could he do that there?Then he wont even have to go to the doctors.Men of his age do need regular check for such things as this,and high blood pressure etc, which may help to explain the lack of interest in sex.

I am so glad that you have a Christian faith. Do you go to church or have some good close female Christian friends who you can confide in and who can pray for you? As a believer I really dont think that lack of sex is grounds for divorce, and as you say, adultery is serious stuff. It does seem so drastic to think of leaving him after such a short time and at the ages you are. Even if you did, what guarantee will you have that you will meet another man who wants to marry you or who wants lots of sex at that sort of age? You may end up in a worse situation. Also marriage is a serous covenant that is for better or worse surely?

Raymond 23rd May 2011 09:23 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Who knows what the problem is. The fact that he is watching porn does show that he is interested in sex. However this is a form of mental adultery, which Chosen has touched on, and has the opposite affect to having a good sex life. How can God bless this. It is a diversion of the normal sex drive.

One problem may be performance pressure. The porn can have an affect of weakening his performance while at the same time the pressure to perform can be counter productive.

Something that may help is kegal excercises. These help men and women apparently. This is basically excercises using the pelvic floor muscles. It's the same muscles used when you are stopping yourself from weeing. You squeeze the muscle and try and hold it for about seven seconds. Like all muscles this strengthens with use and can have a big affect on ED. This together with relaxing more mentally during sex can have a bid affect. Very unromantic but it does work and it is something definite to do.

Baroness 23rd May 2011 06:13 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Maybe I gave you the impression that he watches porn on a regular basis but that isn't true. When he saw how upset I got he stopped immediately and as i've said, i've checked this out. He doesn't have diabetes, he had a physical recently but was probably too embarrassed to admit to the doctor that he's having performance issues. Whether he is satisfying himself or not I can't know for sure, but I think perhaps he is. He at least does come to bed and try to make love even though he doesn't last too long. I think this is hard for him because it is naturally hard for a man to admit this to himself.
After hearing your response and going on line and reading about it I actually feel better about it this morning and I had a long talk with God and first thing this morning gabby gave me a hug and my love for him just was brought home to me. I don't go to church regularly and this I am going to correct. I have asked God to help me and us and he is the only one who can. I have decided to stay with him and if the time comes when we don't even attempt to make love I will suggest he go to the doctor and get some help. He won't like it but he needs to know that i'm not okay with this.
He is in great shape for his age and like I said he volunteers up at the canyon and paints houses here and there. I need to focus more on my relationship with God and less on wanting a man to make me happy because happiness has to come from within and the answer is God, not a man. I have the choice whether to be happy or not and I have chosen to be happy and I asked God for help in this and I already feel better. I knew what he was like when I met him and its just the change in our relationship that has been so hard on me and along with that I have no money coming in and its a lot to deal with.
I don't think the answer is being angry and resentful, I think I should be happy and supportive around him even though the relationship isn't what I think it should be. I've tried to think about his point of view and maybe if I was happy and not frowning and spending so much time in my room, he would feel comfortable enough to share how he feels. I know how to handle men and you can't force them to do anything, you have to let them come to you on their own.
Getting mad at them isn't going to help. God says in the bible that a soft answer turns away wrath and also in proverbs it says if you delight yourself in the Lord, he will give you the desires of your heart. I believe in the bible and in God and always have since I was a child and I know that God is the only one who doesn't let you down. It's hard to know what God wants you to do sometimes but since I still love gabby I feel I have to stay with him and you are right. Even though men find me attractive that doesn't mean I would find one who would love me like this man and one who would be faithful.
I am not getting any younger but I look younger than 55 and I don't want to feel like i've wasted all these years. I always thought God brought us together for a reason and it was to show this man that there is a good woman who will love him no matter what so I can't very well leave him just because he's having this problem. I know he loves me, he tells me all the time and I still love him. I think i've been concentrating too much on him being what I want and not getting closer to God.
My first step will be to go to church. I found one here recently on Easter and my mom and son went with me and I really liked the church and so I plan on going this sunday. I feel kind of foolish now for saying I would leave him because of this. We give each other space and don't tell each other what to do and this is important to me. He's a difficult man sometimes but I know how to deal with him. I just resented him satisfying himself (or not) when I am right here.
He does not go to church with me because sunday morning he is up at the canyon but I can't let that stop me from being close to God. I do pray every day and read my bible once in awhile but I need more of God in my life and I will trust him to help me and answer this problem. If it goes on and my love dies then I will take steps to end this relationship and I trust God to show me what direction to take. I don't feel like I should leave him as long as I love him and i'm going to concentrate on the good in our relationship instead of focusing on the bad.
If he feels how much I love him and I show affection instead of resentment then I feel he will feel comfortable enough to address this problem. He won't admit he has a problem and if I bring up sex he changes the subject and makes excuses and says everything is fine. I asked God to show him that it is not fine. It has helped to read your comments. He is no longer watching porn. He is computer illeterate so that was the only place he was watching it and then he wouldn't just watch it but switch back and forth to a regular movie.
I accidentally taped the night I caught him watching it. I was taping a movie and he changed the channel and he would be on the porn for a minute or two and then go back to the movie. But when I walked in it was on the tv so I flipped out and asked him how could he watch other women when I was right in the next room? He denied watching it and said he was just flipping the channels but when I walked in he was definitely watching it and so I was very hurt. Since then he hasn't watched it, i'm pretty sure anyway because as I said he doesn't stay up that late and that channel moved the adult movies to later at night.
I dont like it but its in the past as far as i'm concerned. I can't do anything about him satisfying himself, if that's what he's doing and that upsets me. He acted very defensive when I accused him of this but I know what I know and I don't want to keep monitoring this situation because I just get upset. If it continues and I feel he is doing that instead of being with me we will have a problem. I dont even know if he can obtain his goal even by himself.
It would be better if he could talk about it but I think he has too much pride to admit this even to himself. He's under a lot of stress right now too because he's paying all the bills but he seems to have a good attitude about it and assures me that everything will be okay. This man has treated me better than any man before and so I feel I must stay with him and try to work this out. I have been married twice before and he has been married once before and his marriage ended badly. So did mine but I don't dwell on it, I just moved on and don't hold a grudge. My ex also treated me like I didn't matter and he was lazy and in the end cheated on me so that was that.
At least now I can trust this man but even though I know that I have still considered him having an affair to be the reason he wasn't interested. I believed that when this first started but then he told me out of the blue one day that he had never been with another woman since the first day he met me and this included when I left him for 8 months back in 2004. He was really closed up then and was going thru problems because of his back and he couldn't work anymore.
He has opened quite a bit compared to the way he used to be and so I thank you for your replies and it helps to talk about this with you. It also helped to hear the other women having the same problem. I can't imagine going without sex for 20 years!

chosen 23rd May 2011 08:02 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
baroness. It sounds as if you have made some good and godly decisions and that you are on the right path. He sounds like a good man, and that is precious, sex or no sex.

Going to church and becoming a member of a church family is a very helpful thing. I have some good close female Christian friends and they are so lovely and caring. You are also right about getting close to God. In the end, He is the only one who can fill that empty place. As human beings, we all have weaknesses, and will always let others down, but He never will.

Just one more thing, try to accept your husband as he is and not as you want him to be. We all need to be loved and accepted as we are.Its so hard to feel we are a dissappointment to our spouse.
After all of your marriage breakups, the last thing either of you need is another one.

Raymond 23rd May 2011 08:21 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
God does have a way of working out our marriage problems if we truly submit to Him and bring Him into it Baroness. It's his invention so He knows the answers. It's great what you have written. I think you have a good attitude.

Baroness 23rd May 2011 09:04 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Thank you both for your support. I do want to tell you that even though I have felt this way I didn't show it to him. I always supported him and didn't pressure him in any way. I wanted to be mad at him and to show him it wasn't okay but I never told him that and no matter how much I wanted him to know that I was upset when I woke in the morning and he smiled and said good morning I couldn't be mad at him, no matter how hard I tried.
I have never tried to change him or any other man. When my friends didn't approve of our relationship I told them that he can just be himself. It wasn't until the lack of sex that I started feeling resentful and frustrated. He has no idea I was upset because of this. I felt that it would do no good to tell him because he would either be resentful or act like there was no problem and I was being ridiculous, which he has done on a few occassions. The problem is i'm very open and honest and believe in talking things out and so I have a problem with someone who is not like that so I started being very unhappy and frustrated.
But I can't listen to my friends because they don't really know him and I do and I know this is worth fighting for. I feel God does direct me and i'm getting the feeling that he doesn't want me to leave him at this point. Maybe God sees that he still needs me in some way or maybe that I need him. This morning when I was talking to God I was remembering when I first met him and how happy I was that I found someone who loved me so much and I was beyond happy, I felt God had answered my prayer.
Maybe it would be better if I didn't love him and I could find someone more like me but I love him and I never thought love lasted because it hadn't in previous marriages and relationship but here I am after nine years and I still love him. He says God brought us together and that's why it works. I used to believe that but have doubted it lately. Maybe I do have feelings from the past that are surfacing now. I remember that my ex husband acted like it didn't matter if I were with him or not and maybe I'm afraid gabby feels that way.
I think I do matter and I also know he is surprised that we are still together. I must say that the reason we are is mainly due to my christian upbringing and being patient and kind to him and putting up with a lot. I can't see a woman who isn't a christian putting up with this for long. I know some women stay with men because they are afraid to be alone but I don't feel that way. When I was alone it was great because I didn't have a man hurting me and I know that I could find someone else but I have to be concerned about God's will for me.
If he wants me to stay with him then I have to do what he wants because things go horribly if you step out of God's will. So this morning I prayed for God's willl and not my own and just left it to him. No couple can get along perfectly all the time and there are problems and issues that come up. I never used to be critical or wanted him to change until this sex thing came up. I know that I deserve happiness and don't deserve what is happening but I have to think about how he feels as well and this must be difficult. We'll see how it goes but I have a calmness now that I know is from God and the holy spirit.
I've been a christian for many years and I should have remembered that God is always the answer. I did stray for a few years but I always loved God and I am not looking for the relationship I used to have with God, I am looking for a better relationship, a closer walk with him. I thank you so much for taking the time to hash this out with me. It has helped me so much to see things more clearly. God bless both of you very much and anyone else who may have commented on my behalf. I feel as though a heavy burden has been lifted.
The battle is not yet won but at least I have the armor of God to fight it with. Thanks.

Raymond 24th May 2011 12:57 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
If you manage to do what you say you will Baroness that cannot be bad.

I don't think God would ever counsel you to leave a husband. He has given His word in these things as well.

I am glad he is not into porn but you seem to have a question about private mb. If this is happening it can almost be as bad as porn as it can be a diversion of the normal sex drive as it is usually accompanied by fantasy which can be quite powerful in a man. They are capable of creating their own world in this and that is why it is wrong, especially within marriage. Some go into marriage already established in this habit and it is defrauding the wife if it is not dealt with. All sexual desire should only be towards our wives, otherwise it is mental adultery.

Baroness 25th May 2011 05:07 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I don't know what to do about it. I never see him do it and he won't admit it so what am I supposed to do? We are getting along okay but I have no control over what he does when he's alone. I thought I would give it the month of June and if he doesn't make an attempt to be with me I have decided to ask him if this is the way its going to be from now on. I don't want to keep thinking about this or trying to catch him in the act. I have to set this time limit because something has to be done. I know he's been in a lot of pain over the past few weeks because of an absessed tooth and now he's getting better.
All I can do is the best I can. I was reading over my diary, i've kept one for many years and I see that things are much better between us that last year and before that. I'm trying not to dwell on this but its almost impossible. Finanacially speaking we are going through a tough time but he has a good attitude about it but I know its on his mind. It seems as though we've become closer in the last couple of days but I can't keep suspecting him of doing something that I can't prove. I just don't understand this at all.
I was reading that last October when we were going through this same thing he came to bed and we made love three times in one night and I was so happy but then it was back to the way it was. We've gone to bed since then but I have been so tired because it was so late that I just wanted to go to sleep and the very last time, a few weeks ago we slept together and held each other but he was the one who was tired and said he loved me and he would always love me.
I asked him then if he was still attracted to me and he said yes, he's never been attracted to anyone else. We'll just see how it goes and then if its still like this by the end of June i'm going to have to ask him about it. I've asked before and he just says everything is fine and acts like i'm being ridiculous. Things seem to be going better and I don't want to get all hung up on the sex thing but that's what two people in love do. Or they should want to. This has been going on for a long time, or I should say coming on for a long time but he still tries every once in awhile. If you could know how he used to be.
He never had a problem and was quite amazing for his age and then this started happening. I am a voluptous woman and very pretty and I havn't gained a lot of weight or anything so I don't think that is the problem but he just doesn't seem to notice when I wear something sexy but we have this kind of arrangement that when I come into the room with a sexy nightie on he knows that I want to make love to him. It always worked in the past but I notice that it doesn't always work now because he gets tired and when this occurs we do stay up very late listening to music and talking.
He's even apologized for being to tired in the morning and i'm always understanding because i've gotten tired too. My back has been hurting and the doctor told me today that I am on temporary disability for three months. There's a lot going on but that shouldn't change us being together. I feel neglected and unnoticed and I don't like that feeling. I have asked God to help me and to deal with him. Its hard to not take this personal. But I have been happier because I decided not to be angry or resentful and I tried not to think about it but of course eventually I always do.
Maybe there are no answers. Maybe love and kindness and patience is the only answer or maybe not.

Raymond 25th May 2011 08:25 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
There are always answers Baroness. You musn't lose your faith. That is more important than anything. Your hope in God will protect your mind.

Sounds like you have a good relationship and that must not be damaged either.

The best way out of these things is close discussion. It means you expressing yourself but also listening to how he feels. That is something to pray about. You'd be surprised what can come out of frank discussion. There may be legitimate reasons for his behaviour. You named one, tiredness. That can be a big libido killer. There may be other things.

With regard to solo mb that was something you mentioned originally. If there is no proof it is safer not to say anything. It may be all in your head maybe. If you are suspicious you can keep your antenna up. If it is happening you will know eventually. Until then you must believe the best of him

Baroness 27th May 2011 01:07 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
He won't discuss this. I have tried and he shut down. I read my bible and prayed yesterday morning and I felt a burden liften and inner peace. I don't really want this relationship to end. I get frustrated with him and because I can't talk to him its really hard. I've heard that men don't like drama or conflict. I'm doing better than I was. I'm treating him well like I always do and try not to hold this against him. I poured out my heart to God and asked him to deal with him and to help me. I also asked him to take the love away if it wasn't his will, but I still love him and don't want to give up on him.
As I said, I will give it some time but I don't think this is what God had in mind when he put us together. Perhaps he is stressed but this has been going on for a long time, but he has tried, but not lately. I understand that he's been in a lot of pain. We get along pretty good now and I have to train my mind not to always think about this and to concentrate on the good in him. I trust God, that I do know and I know he will show me what to do and give me wisdom. I usually know exactly what to do where men are concerned but not this time.
It's better to do nothing than to be hasty and do the wrong thing. I can't really talk to anyone about this. My best friend hasn't had a man in 20 years and my mother is wonderful and she prays with me but she doesn't understand how I feel totally, we are two different kinds of women. I get a knot in my stomach when I think he's in there doing that but I don't know for sure. Suspicion without facts is a hard thing. I'm not monitoring this situation anymore. Whatever he does he will do. I trust God to answer this but I will attempt to put on something sexy and try again but I will wait until his tooth problems are better.
I just keep thinking I shouldn't have to go through all this, i've never had this problem with men. However; I do know my self worth and so I no longer think its me. He's just having a problem and has had it for awhile and I have to be patient and I have been. In a months time I still think its a good idea to say something about it if nothing is happening between us. And even if the worst happens, and nothing has changed, I still can't leave him as long as I love him.
This is not grounds for a divorce and yet i'm not willing to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm not getting any younger you know and this year I will turn 56. I trust in God to work this out but if this isn't better at all a year from now then I will have to rethink this. Usually when a man has this problem is doesn't go away so i'm probably fooking myself that it will get better. He expects me to just accept it and he won't go to the doctor to get help and he won't discuss it either.
I will wait for God to direct me in this but if this continues I know that my feelings will change. I don't think you can have a close relationship without intimacy. We do have some intimacy but you know what i'm talking about. Whenever i've questioned him about being romantic he just says this is the way he is. Sometimes I think he is only concerned with himself and doesn't care what I feel. He knows this must upset me and I don't know what he can be thinking.
There are times when I know he's been afraid of me leaving him because of it because thats when he's made an effort. I feel like and idiot for staying and putting up with this when I know another woman wouldn't. For some reason God has given me the wisdom and love to deal with this man but I do have needs too. Anyway, I will do the best I can. I'm just afraid we are going to grow so far apart that we won't love each other anyone and we'll go our seperate ways.

Raymond 27th May 2011 08:45 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
It is a problem for you Baroness but not grounds for divorce. I don't say that in a legalistic way but if you are married I don't think God would take your love away as that is fundemental to a marriage and surely is His will.

It is not as though he has never had sex with you so what has gone wrong? It would be very wrong for him to satisfy himself and defraud you but we are not sure about this. I think extreme pornography can be grounds for divorce in certain instances where there is no repentance as it is really mental adultery on a large scale but he is not into this as you have explained.

I think your own counsel is very wise in that you are bringing it to God who is a prayer answering God.

I am thinking in my mind if there would be others ways to jump start the sex. Doing other sexual things and not direct piv sex in the hope of cultivating it as this may be too much for him to start with. I don't know maybe you should find out some things that he might like and not think piv for a while. Just a thought.

chosen 27th May 2011 08:54 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Baroness
No matter what the problem in a marriage it isnt Gods will for a marriage to end unless there is cheating or sometimes serious abuse. God will never answer a prayer to take love away from one spouse for another, but he will answer prayers that enable you to love him DESPITE this. Even if you did stop loving him because of this, where does God say we can get divorced because we no longer FEEL that we love our spouse? It isnt there. Marriage is a life long committment unless one spouse committs serious sexual sin.

God says that the husband is to love his wife, no mention of feelings. He says that the wife is to respect her husband, no mention of feelings. You have made a committment for better or worse. What if he had an accident and was in a wheelchair and could no longer have sex? Would you leave him and try to find another man to marry so that you could have sex?.I agree that sex in marriage is very beneficial, and a great blessing, but it isnt everything, and to think of running away just because our spouse isnt what we want them to be isnt right.

I am not saying that he shouldnt be making more effort to please you and to be intimate more often, but I really feel you need to stop even entertaining any thoughts of divorce or of finding another man. You have both been divorced before, do you really think the right thing is to get another divorce?

I advise putting ALL thoughts of divorcing or finding another man, right out of your mind for good, and concentrate on praying for him and your marriage, and keep your focus on God and on your husband. Dont let the enemy destroy another marriage.

I suggest writing your husband a letter, setting out clearly how unhappy this is making you, and how this is hurting you so much and asking him to get help and maybe go to counselling.
Also get the book called "The power of a praying wife" by Stormie Omartian. It has scriptural prayers that you can pray each day, includuing ones on the sex side of things. You husbands relationship with God is the most important thing here, so that he can be saved and God can work in him.

I think its amazing that you have a mum who you can pray with. Few people have that, so what a blessing. Its also brilliant that after you prayed, the burden lifted and you felt that peace. Stay close to God,He does understand, and He does want you help you and your husband and your marriage.

chosen 27th May 2011 08:55 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Raymond, I was posting the same time as you were, Glad that we have said the same thing more or less.


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