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-   -   Should I say yes? (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8074)

freegirl 8th January 2012 02:42 PM

Should I say yes?
 
I'm in a very confusing situation and need some serious advise. A friend recently proposed to me. I haven't know him very long but our parents have known each other and they set us up. He is a kind, humble, healthy, has a good career and has a good character. The only problem is that I'm not at all physically attracted to him and he's a lot older than me. I had pictured marrying someone I would be physically attracted to. We do have a reasonably good conversation but I also consider myself an easy person to chat with so starting a good conversation with someone is not difficult for me. I'm not sure if the lack of attraction and age gap will create a problem in the future if we get married (I'm in my late 20s just for the record). The other fear I have is that I haven't been able to get into any serious relationship in the past years and I'm worried if I say no to him I might not find someone better and end up single for the rest of my life like many women that I do know.

1aokgal 8th January 2012 05:25 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
Dear Free...

Welcome here. You say you are an intelligent girl with a good family who cares about you. You are concerned that you have been unable to establish a serious relationship to this point.Your parents set you up with a much older man, and you like him (as a friend), although you have known him only a short time. It seems he might "do to marry" even though you are not physically attracted to him.

What to do? DO NOT consider to marry this much older man! You are just in your 20's. That is not good enough for a lifetime committment for a woman in ANY culture in todays' world. I think your parents must exercise strong control over you (so this is culteral, and the country where you live) that you consider to "please them" by marrying this man? You will regret that all your life.

You say you are "Freegirl", than be FREE to further your education as best you can, to be educated and have a career to support yourself. Be FREE to meet one day a man about your own age. You will know him from the beginning as you will feel attracted to him and want to make that life committment. Listen, do you want to have marital sex and children by a much older man you barely like? Maybe he is wealthy and secure, and that is a "good " match for you according to your parents. That is not good enough reason to bring children into the world with a man you will barely want to touch you! Be glad you are free to see more of the world and find out who you are. Be glad you can explore your spirituality and find out what God has as your purpose.

Don't think about yourself. Get involved in helping others through some charity or church or other activity. Give of yourself, and help someone besides yourself. Go on a great adventure with friends, as a trip somewhere, to learn more about the world and other cultures. Reach beyond yourself and the world will welcome your strength, intelligence, and ability. Develop yourself by reaching out. When the time is right to love,your soulmate will find you. That is how the Universe works. Ask for Spiritual guidance and Angels will guide you in a right direction.

Thank your parents for their concern for you. Tell them you know they want your best interests, but in this case, you must select your own life. You don't want to spend your life in regret for a mistake made. You don't want to be always angry at parents who push you in a wrong direction, because they think they know better. That happened to me. I spent many years trying to undo that mistake and find my way to love and happiness.

You are a free girl! That is a WONDERFUL thing to be. Your lfe will be full and rich if you seek your right path. Don't settle for a match, just to marry, because you are insecure and think that is right for your parents. I wish you great happiness.
Thoni do OKtents pre

chosen 8th January 2012 05:55 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
freegirl
I agree with iaokjal
Dont even consider marrying him. You are still so young and to marry a man just because you are worried that you may not meet anyone else would be a disaster and also very unfair to him. There needs to be some chemistry between you and the man you marry, and a big age difference can cause lots of problems also, especially when you are older, and you are still only middle aged and he is an old man. Just imagine having sex with a man who you arent attracted to? Just imagine how you woud feel if a man married you just because he felt he may not be able to find anyone 'better?'
Also you clearly dont know this man anything like well enough to consider marriage.

I have three children of your sort of age(mine are aged 33, 31 and 26), and my son, the oldest, didnt meet his wife till he was 30, and my older daughter didnt meet her fiance till she was 30 either, so you have plenty of time, and being in an unhappy marriage isnt better than being unmarried. I am also good friends with 2 couples who meet and married each other in their late 30's and they are both so happy, one of them is expecting their first child. The other has now been married for 20 years.

I dont know where you are from but are you independant from your parents? Do you live away from them and have your own life? Do you have friends and go out and meet others of your own age?

Tell this poor man that you like him as a friend but that isnt enough to marry him. How much older than you is he?

freegirl 8th January 2012 10:11 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
Thank you 1aokgal and chosen for your replies. I really appreciate your input. This man is 10 years older than me and I have gone out with him a few times. Every time we have gone out he has been a complete gentleman and we've had good conversation but i haven't felt any chemistry or sparks. Overall he is a good person and probably that's why I've even bothered giving his proposal a 2nd thought. Although I am concerned that if I'm not attracted to him one bit our marriage will not survive. Can attraction develop over time especially if he's good to me and has a good personality? Most people say looks don't matter. Is that really true? Also if I say yes to him then that automatically closes the doors to all other possibilities of more compatible men.

The reason I'm even thinking of this proposal is that I personally know many beautiful and successful women that are now in their 30s and still haven't found a suitable partner. Most of them started seriously looking for someone around the same age as me. I'm constantly reminded that if I become too fussy or too career-oriented I'll become too old and will have a difficult time finding someone and, I'm actually starting to believe it a bit considering all the successful single women I know!! I really don't want to spend my life lonely.

I'm a professional and have done my 1st degree. Currently I'm not living independently as I'm still very young in my career so can't afford to. However I did want to move for my masters degree. By moving I mean moving countries but again there is a lot of uncertainty in terms of being alone with no family support incase of anything, making new friends and ofcourse finding a potential life partner. My friend circle is quite small and when I do go out I seem to keep meeting the same people over and over. However when I do meet new people they always have very significant difference in personal and spiritual beliefs which makes them 'undateable.' So there is a shortage of good men lol. I've also tried online dating with absolutely no success so gave up on that. I am involved in charity work and haven't met anyone yet. So basically I'm at a bit of a dead-end :(.

chosen 8th January 2012 11:13 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
freegirl I met my husband on line on a Christian dating site, but it did take 2 years so you do need to be patient.
Yes you are right in that many women today put so much time and effort into careers that they can miss the boat, when they suddenly realise they are well into their 30's and have no one and they are wanting to have a family, but it sounds as if you are sensible and are aware that that can happen. Its sad whan thay does happen and many of them do go on to regret that, but you are still young yet, and have plenty of time.
Is there any reason why the man has asked you to marry him so quickly? I mean asking you to marry him after only a few dates is far too soon in my opinion. Maybe if you arent sure you can go out with him for a much longer time, and see if anything grows.
I dont think that looks are everything, but there does needs to be a 'connection' and a feeling of being on the same 'wavelength' I feel.

My husband isnt really the normal physical type that I had previously gone for(he is tall and slim and I had always previously liked the more stocky rugby player type) but immediatly I felt that chemistry and I liked him in every way. I am sure that sometimes this can grow over time, but he will need to give you time to see if that does happen. I suppose he is more aware of time passing because he is nearly 40, but you seem not to know each other well at all, and if you are going abroard how will that work?

Maybe you can suggest to him that it is far too soon to know as yet, so can you just take it slowly, but never marry a man just because of fear that you will not meet anyone else.

1aokgal 8th January 2012 11:44 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
Freegirl...

You really are not FREE. It is all about hooking up with a man...any man, to fullfil your "wholeness" as a person. Marriages are entered now later than in former years because forever is a LONG time. Since we live longer, the selection of a partner needs to be made on many levels from sociological, spiritual, physical and like ideas about many things and then most base marriage on love...not on getting along with someone. You seem not free when you are so unsure that you can find another, and you are only 20's.

Marriage without love is like prostitution. You get amenities a man can secure, if he is older and set. You bring youth and sexuality to one who is slowing down. That means in exchange for you, there might be some security. The commodity is exchanged for the stability of the mans' name. Younger women marry men for security as you think to do here. A younger wife might be an "armpiece" for an older man with means.

Maybe you fear to be free as a woman with independent movement for your personal liability and decisons? How will you feel to exchange your most intimate functions, as a woman, with a virtual stranger you know slightly? What happenes if his sexual tastes are kinky and unnatural, as you say you "don't know him more than an acquaintance?" You can't know that about a man until you know him deeply or intimately, who he really can be. One day you might wake up in bondage in a marriage that is distasteful and unhappy. You consider making a terrible choice here!

Time will give you wisdom and bring love, if you are not desperate and seeking. Men shy away from women who seem needy. Those who look for a mans' paycheck or lack security in themselves. Many cultures bind women to believe marriage is the only way to live, and that is not true. I found love when I stopped thinking about it. I relaxed and didn't date for a time and had fun with male friends and wasn't seeking. I chose to go with friends, as several friends both male, female, on canoe trips, backpacking and outdoor activities. I joined an outdoor group who went on trips and outings. It was such a nice way to see more of the area on group events.

I met my husband at a party where I sat with a group and danced with whom I pleased. I left when I chose and didn't hook up. If I had a date that night, then, we would never have met. He liked my independence and the fact I wasn't that eager to date anyone. I was secure enough to feel there are men available...no shortage there.

You need to develop some confidence as you seem to be in situation where women are not encouraged to develop their own abilities. That is why taking a trip out of your comfort zone would give you more focus about your life. I took painting trips to other places and met people of other cultures. My husband is German. Think carefully about that decision with this man, you will so regret that. I could never consider sex with a man I wasn't really crazy about. I think you would find that repugnant.

freegirl 9th January 2012 10:00 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
The reason he proposed so soon is because we were set up with the purpose of marriage at the back of our mind. From the way he was talking to me it also seemed that I have the qualities he is looking for in a life partner but that's not the case for me. Sure he does have a lot of qualities that I want but I'm not sure if that's good enough to marry him especially considering he doesn't fall in my age bracket. Also if I marry him it might affect my career because he lives in a different city and that would mean I'd have to quit my job to be with him and start looking for something new.

I'm travelling out of country in the middle of the year for a holiday so I'll probably take your advise and try and make the most of it. Maybe I'll also join an outdoor club. I know of one in my city that does outdoor sports...i'll probably even make new friends. This might sound like an odd question but do you have any suggestions of other ways to meet more people. I live in a rather boring city that doesn't have many youth-oriented activities. It's a typical 'business-like' city and many people socialize at night clubs which I'm not very big on. The social clubs that I know of also have a lot older people than myself so might not be too fun.

chosen 9th January 2012 12:05 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
A good lively church is a great way to make friends, but I dont know your faith of course.

1aokgal 9th January 2012 06:21 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
Dear freegirl...

People are always interested in others with many interests. Why? They are interesting!
I am active with an art gallery here and there are many functions where prosperous people interact. They have sons, brothers and acquaintances of your age. I love the outdoor groups and they are in most cities. In my area there is the Appalachian Trail Club here. It has mostly men from mid 20's thru 60's and some active women, who usually go as a group, to canoe, hike, etc. The club owns a cabin in the moutains a day away. There are always opportunities to go weekends to various outdoor trips or camp as group up there.

There are many such clubs. One of my young clients was on a steady man pursuit. She was extremely unhappy, unfocused on herself, and intent she had to get a man in her life. I urged her to "get a life," develop her interests and stop the pursuit and have great fun. I predicted that the right man would find her. She joined the Civil Air Patrol. This is a civilian group of volunteers who fly or serve as flight crews to patrol for the lost and they operate flight or search mercy missions. She packs boxes, goes as crew on missions, and does all kind of flights and meetings to learn skills to assist where there is a disaster. She works weekdays, but has a flexible schedule, so has done many needed missions. She signed up at the local college and took course of interest. She says her time sheet is full. She is now engaged to a man on a the flight crew and he owns his own small plane. She says most of the guys are hardy, outdoor types and many professions as medical EMT, firefighters and in med school. Professional, interesting men and a few really wealthy young guys who have flying passion. Develop an interest and you become more interesting.

The CAP have get togethers. When they do things, as pack boxes fo disaster delivery, it is a time of camaraderie. A great idea and she is a changed person.

There are many such groups. You did not say where you are located UK or Us or? I went on canoe trips, moutain climbing, backpacking and camping. There are also groups who go on horseback to midwest . Some own a horse, as my sister, and some rent mounts and it is a social club. I have a metal detector and play around with it summers. There are treasure search clubs who go to interesting sites and camp as a group. Some go to the pay mines or gold fields with these. Some beach hunt. There are Scuba clubs. I got my daughter, when she was 18, to take diving lessons. She went on several diving boat excursions where they dive off certain sites. She had a lot of fun and they were all young people involved. Her lessons were under $200 and gear is rented or you buy it. She still enjoys to go in summer. She belongs now to a 4-wheel club and bought a jeep, to go beat it up on the moutains, with her club. They are all over the US, these clubs. I have friends who are in a canoe club.

Museums have social groups, churches have single groups and social events. The world is your oyster as you are FREE! Don't be so eager to hook up but write your "bucket list" of things you want to do in your life. Then go do them.

I took a parachute jump at 55 with a girl friend, 30, with a group that meets weekends at the airport in the next city. They go on jumps, and a few own small planes and some take flying lessons there. These are interesting people! My brother took his flying lessons there. I went because I dared to do it. My husband was gone for a few months and darn if he didn't come home early just that day. He wanted me not to go. He was VERY upset with me on this one. He thought I might kill or injure myself. We had a mini-argument on this one. My friend came from out of town to go with me, so she was already here and the plan made. It was on MY bucket list to make a parachute jump from a plane! It was a tandem jump so pretty safe. (I survived.)

I think my husband gets red in the face when we talk about this one! Anyway there are many interests you might have that you meet others. Be active, and seek others to do things. I have a trained Schutzhund show dog. There is group meets every saturday to work with their dogs. They are many young military guys and outdoor men as police officers. I'd say a good place for a woman to mix and have fun. They meet first at the local coffee shop and then go out to work with the dogs.

I was 7.5 years a staff officer in the Coast Guard Auxilairy. We did SAR missions on the Chesapeake bay and I was captain of my boat w/rescue crews. It is a large group and many single and military trained or like boating. Many (like me )own boats. Most work other jobs and active only on weekends. The group in all ages. This is in the US. I have since retired but still go with a boating group in summer.

Wherever you are, there are interests for you to find others. That is a fertile place to meet someone who will see you as an active, confident person and feel you have a lot to offer.
Art groups, photography groups, spiritual interst groups, etc. You think too narrow.... when the world is open for you. Some young people join the Peace corps for 2 years, and see the world, do good things and give back with their talents. They also are paid. What a great idea!

Good luck, freegirl. Love to be who you are now and develop yourself!

Raymond 9th January 2012 06:54 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
All this reminds me of the girl I used to know before I got married. We were very close and thought alike. I mentioned marriage but had no real chemical attraction. More a platonic relationship I think. We were too alike I suppose. I am so glad that I backed out and ended up with the one I was meant to marry where there was a chemical attraction and still is. I think you need that at the start. One cannot explain it but it has to be there I feel. Of course one should use their head as well but not at the expense of a chemical attraction. I nearly got married out of fear of being left on the shelf I suppose. Bad motivation to start married life.

chosen 9th January 2012 10:58 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
My husband actually said that he married his first wife because he thought she was the right one, and that he really really wanted to get married. He asked her after 3 weeks, they had to marry in just a few months because her visa would have run out(she had a 6 months visa), and they were never suited and he was never happy with her. It was actually the best thing that happened to him when she met another man after 23 years and divorced him.Set him free from a prison, even if it was painful at the time.

1aokgal 10th January 2012 04:56 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
A chemical attraction! Who can explain that one? We do know that we are generally drawn to people who have interests, similar to our own. We do know in about 10 minutes whether there is that attraction or not. We know there is a chemical rush from across a room. There is that"love at first sight thing." That is unexplainable but happens before all the known factors about the other person.

That is the chemical thing and what draws us to another.
I heard it is about chemical pheromones that bring us to another.

Raymond, we know you could never be left on the shelf. The wise thing is to pass on a "lukewarm" feeling about someone and move forward (with intelligence), if the feeling has fire. THAT is chemical. I don't mean lust but respect, conversations that never end, and the desire to know more about that interesting person. That is when love begins.

Raymond 10th January 2012 09:38 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
The rush across the room hasn't always work for me as it was nor reciprocated. When it was there it was not overwhelming as it was coming from her mainly but there was a peace and enough chemical attraction to build on.

chosen 10th January 2012 09:56 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
My initial attraction to my husband was through what he wrote on the internet dating site, firstly on his profile and then on emails to me. Just by his profile and what he had written on it, I knew he was special and that I REALLY wanted to meet him. By the time that we spoke on the phone (after 2 days) I was 90% sure he was the one, and by the time we met (after 4 days) I was 100% sure. Seems mad maybe but I just knew. Also I didnt see his photo till after we spoke on the phone. However we didnt rush into anything, and didnt get engaged for 7 months, and during that time we spend loads of time together. 7 years now since we met, and 6 since we married, and we have never looked back.

Raymond 10th January 2012 01:51 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
Quite amazing really.

1aokgal 10th January 2012 05:22 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
I knew the 2nd day. I met him the evening before, and he asked me for a date to go the next day to visit a nearby historic city. I always spent Sunday to do things with my 3 yr. old daughter. He said to bring her along and go with him. She was taken with him, as he had a way with kids.

We sat under an umbrella on a shaded bench, while she munched on an ice cream cone. We talked about travel and things we liked. It exactly hit me as, " I could listen to this man forever!" He is still always literate and attractive to me. It's 31 years, and I haven't heard it all yet. We married in a lovely church ceremony on the 25th day. It was quite a task to set that up with reception and all the details. I got the only church in the area where the minister could perform the ceremony in German here in this city in the US. It was amazing!

Chosen, a great story and how wonderful for you. I talked to a lady online yesterday and she is in Australia . She met her husband online, and went there to be with him. They are together two years now and she is very happy.

chosen 10th January 2012 06:39 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
I know a man from here in the Uk who met an American lady on line, and he went there to visit a couple of times and she visited the uk and later they got married. My Australian man was living here though, only about 25 miles away actually. In fact he knew the place that I live very well, because he and his ex had been here frequently visiting her parents, who then only lived about 200 metres away from where I live. Small world.

1aokgal 11th January 2012 01:36 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
What we are saying here is that one should never "settle" in desperate haste or marry for reasons other than love. Forever is a long time. One should put serious consideration into the selection of a life mate. That is a bigger selection than buying a pair of shoes.

Is he a good listener? Does he have moral integrity and ideals? Does he hold women in respect? Does he show jealousy and control issues or believes you make reasonable decisions. Does the man have the work ethic and does he have a good relationship with his own family? Does he desire or like kids, if that is a consideration? Are there shadows in the mans' background that need to be considered? What is his romantic track record? Why did past relationships fail?

Is he financially responsible and shows he is temperate and stable? What are his goals?

Does he take care of himself physically? What interests do you have in common? These are all the list of considerations for a husband. Somehow this all falls into place with the one the universe has selected for you.

freegirl 11th January 2012 10:02 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
As far as this man is concerned he does share moral and spiritual beliefs to mine. He respects me, is a kind-hearted person and takes good care of his health. He has most of the things that I want in a partner except 2 things which I feel are necessary...looks and the right age. Am I being selfish and superficial??

I was in a relationship about a year ago. He was a friend of mine that I had known for 3yrs before we dated for nearly 2yrs. We had a 'connection' and could talk endlessly. However at the back of our minds we knew that our relationship would not last because of our difference in spirituality. However surprisingly spirituality wasn't the reason we eventually broke up. As our relationship grew older he became lazy and wouldn't put in enough effort to make time for the 2 of us and it was always me that was trying to get him to make time. It started to make me feel needy and eventually I got frustrated and unhappy which, ultimately lead to our break up. Ironically we're still good friends even after that but have no romantic interest. This just makes me wonder whether without a 'connection' can a relationship still survive considering mine didn't despite it?

chosen 11th January 2012 02:12 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
I must say that when I became single again after my divorce, I wasnt prepared to consider a much older man, but we are all different. The looks though, we do need to like the way our spouse looks. We will be looking at them for the rest of our lives. We will be having sex with them. If we arent attracted to them, that will make things very hard. They dont need to be the most attractive people in the world, but they do need to be attractive to us.
If I were you I would just tell him that at this time you cannot agree to marry him, but that you would need to get to know him properly. If you feel that you could never find him attractive in that way, then you need to let him go.

Raymond 12th January 2012 02:22 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
I think it goes back to chemical attraction freegirl for want of a better word.

This man seems to have everything apart from being younger and goodlooking. That will become less crucial if you have that chemical attraction. CA isn't everything but it needs to be there with all the other things in my view. We can be attracted to some awful people so we have to use our heads as well.

What do you mean in differences of spirituality? Does this person have what you need in that area? I once knew a girl for a few years. In my head she had everything but I had to admit in the end that I didn't love her in the romantic sense however well we got on. There was not enough there to make a marriage. Whether women are different to men in that they will adjust to someone they are not in love with initially I don't know. For me I knew it would be a mistake and do have a marriage with a wonderful person for many years now where I did have some chemical attraction. I don't think we are computers. Something needs to shake the ground a little doesn't it?

1aokgal 13th January 2012 04:44 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
If you introduced him to others would you be embarrassed because he is not good looking and older? Remember as the years pass the hair can get thinner, and looks fade. One likes to think we age gracefully, and the spouse maintains as well, presentable looks. If he is not all that attractive to begin with..how will he age in 20 years?

My husband was good looking then, and he is still good looking, though his full head of heair curly is not black anymore, but nice greyish color. We select a person who compliments us.

chosen 13th January 2012 05:28 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
I think that its great that we are all attacted to different types of people. I have friends who are married to guys who are really nice but there is no way that I would be attracted to them, but they are, and thats what matters, and my husband is very attractive to me. We dont need to have someone who is conventionally attractive according to the worlds standards of looks, as long as we love them and love being with them. I think that for a woman, the mans personality and character are very much part of the attraction, that and a good sense of humour! Also I am attracted to my husband because of his integrity and high moral values, because those things are very important to me, but alone that would not be enough if that 'spark' wasnt there.
I mean the men who the world seems to find attractive do nothing for me, can take them or leave them, in fact arrogance in a man is a real turn off for me so if a guy knows that he is attractive then that makes him very unnattractive if you see what I mean. Cant bear those 'muscle men' sort of guys who buff and polish their bodies and work out all the time and then expect women to fall at their feet!!!

However if a person has to ask about it that usually means that 'it' isnt there.That certain 'something' isnt there.

Raymond 13th January 2012 01:43 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
You sound like my wife Chosen.

I think chemical attraction is partly to do with appearance. I find that one has to appreciate someones good points and not dwell on imperfections. We all have imperfections and assets. Part of love is seeing the good and accepting imperfections. The main thing as you say is the person but physical assets are a bonus.

freegirl 3rd February 2012 11:31 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
What I meant by difference in spirituality was that the man I was dating belonged to a different religion from mine. I respect all religions but if I were to marry someone whom I didn't share a common religion with what would our children follow...would they be half of mine and half of his? Religion is very important part of my life and I wouldn't want to compromise on it. He was willing to continue dating indefinitely without the commitment of marriage, however that wasn't something I was comfortable with.

How do you know when you love someone? Do you just get a strong desire to be with them. How would you differentiate that from lust? With this older man I can talk to him for hours but honestly I don't feel any 'sparks.' I actually sometimes find it difficult to totally open up to him when he asks me personal questions. Although that might in part be due to me being cautious. Do 'sparks' take so much time to develop or would you with just a few dates?

1aokgal 3rd February 2012 11:25 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
Freegirl..

You keep trying to get this man to "fit" when it is a sure thing you feel uncomfortable when he gets to personal questions. You wish you were somewhere else. What is your rush to hook up here? Are your family putting a lot of pressure for you to accept this man as a serious boyfriend?

What will happen if you say you will marry, without the feelings one needs, to make a marriage work? Can you picture this old..older man with his hands inside your clothes and in private areas? No, thank you, if you don't love and care about a man you sure don't want any intimate touch!

You are not being fair to this man as things are going. He thinks all he has to do is say or do the right things and he will get a yes from you. He should be free to find someone who cares about HIM as he cares for her. You hold him in a friendship, when you are on different paths.

Love is when you like the man and what he says and how he carries himself. Love is when you feel warm and good about him. Real sparks and attraction can happen when you first look in his eyes. I knew right away my husband was the right man for me and the early days of the friendship he was everything to me. He is still is that way to me all these years later.

Money is lost and flash can fade. So if you want to be with someone for just what he has ..that might not last. I think it is important to find a man secure, a hard working man of moderate habits. He should be ready to take on a wife, just as a woman needs to bring some things to the table. She should have a decent education and not be an airhead.
You can never force a romance when it isn't there! 50% of marriages end in divorce today, and that is with people who married for "until death us do part." Make sure everything is right.

Tell the man goodbye, and go on and do things for yourself until you meet the right one! You would hate a marriage where you have to grit your teeth when he kisses you!

chosen 3rd February 2012 11:25 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
I agree with the religion thing. I am a Christian and would never marry a guy who wasnt. God isnt just part of my life, He is in my whole life, and not to be able to share that would be unthinkable.
Ths older man sounds like friend material, but if there are no sparks or no chemical attraction, then I cant see it working. To be honest freegirl, if you have to ask it isnt there.

Before I met my husband on the internet. I had met up with 3 other men in person. There was nothing. They were nice guys, but no spark, no conection, no chemistry. I knew immediatly that my husband was the guy. I Loved everything about him. His face, his voice, his accent(he is Australian), his intergrity, his humour, his faith, what he wrote on his emails, just ALL of him. We just clicked immediatly, and were always on the same wave length.

What is your gut feeling? If your gut feeling says that he isnt the one, then thats probably right. Dont go by what he or the families think or want, dont let them pressure you, go with what YOU feel. There is no way that he should have mentioned marriage after such a short time anyway, you barely know each other it seems to me.

Raymond 4th February 2012 11:19 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
I also think faith is very important. Are you talking about a different denomination or a completely different religion?

I also believe there should be a spark and you do know if it is there. I believe you also have to use your head and this religion thing could be important. One can get a spark for the wrong person so using your head is important too.

Raymond 20th February 2012 10:55 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
I agree. One cannot contrive these things.

freegirl 8th March 2012 11:22 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
By different religion I mean not a different sect but indeed a different religion. In any case I think I'm actually totally over this previous guy. I sometimes think things happened for the better. He never had enough time for me I wouldn't have been happy always having to push him to make time. Although the ironic thing is he never really fitted into any of the 'criteria' I had for what I was looking for in a partner. We just became good friends and eventually started dating. At the end of it all I realized I wasn't happy. Does this mean we should stick to our criteria? Do people in our criteria actually exist?

As far as this older man is concerned I asked him to give me time to get to know him and he's been understanding of it. I've now known him for 2.5months and we both seem to be able to talk for hours. I do know for a fact that he's head over heels about me from the things he does for me and how he talks to me. Only problem is I'm not head over heels for him. He'll most definitely make a great husband as he seems to be very compromising and willing to make things work. However after knowing him for this duration and me still having doubts I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to plunge into it and I can't keep him hanging any longer. Besides I'm still not one bit attracted to him. Now, the huge dilemma I have is how to break the news to him. He's a wonderful person and I know he will be heartbroken esp since we've been sorta dating for the last almost 3months and never fought or had any basis for a breakup. I feel like I need to live my life abit before getting married. How do I tell him no without crushing him?

1aokgal 9th March 2012 03:49 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
You seem determined to get married to whoever appears on the scene! What is the big rush? Marriage is FOREVER. A car you buy because you like it. You trade it in a few years later for something newer. A husband is around until your hair turns grey and then some.
One of the greatest tasks for a woman, when she marries, is to find a man who is decent, moral, carring and motivated. That is best done with care, thought and love, and we hope that will last for all the years ahead.

You weren't all that attracted to this man (or the other one either) and kept trying to make that guy fit to get him to marry you. Where are your girlfriends and family to do things with, instead of a guy, whether you like him or not? It isn't the free lunches/dinners, is it? You should be working on your career, more education, and having enjoyable times with friends...not going out with someone you are lukewarm about. It isn't fair to tie up a mans' time so you can look him over and keep him around to meet (perhaps) your ego needs.

Remember, all the sweetness and willing to please at the beginning isn't because he wants to get married! You think marriage, men think about sex, and what he needs to do to get to home plate. Of course, they jump through many hurdles to please a woman at that stage. How do you tell the man he is not your type or you want off the marry-go-round of seeing someone you aren't daffy about. Here are ways you tell him.

How do you tell him? "Thank you very much, but I made plans with friends this weekend. Thanks, but I have a lot of studying to do in the next couple of weeks. I enjoyed to see you and spend some time, but I need to put time into my job. Right now, I'd rather not get involved in anything serious. or I need some time to think about the future and goals I set for myself. Get too busy and don't return his calls. That is kinder than to play the man for your comfort. There are PLENTY of women out there. He will get out there as fast as a wink!
You would be AMAZED at how fast he will be standing on another womans' doorstep. He will get over you quickly enough!

He will get the picture and quickly move on. I think your self confidence needs are such you seem to need a lot of reassurance from men. You should be secure in yourself. A woman can have dates/friends without that leading to marriage. Stay out of sticky situations and stay out of the clinches. Don't go to a mans' apartment and don't linger in his car after an outing. Play it straight and you will meet someone in time. NO rush.

For myself, I put dating off the calendar and concentrated on career and education and met my husband by chance. One of the things he liked about me was I was focused on improving my career and didn't give men any time. It interested him that I had goals.

A woman so anxiety ridden to marry is not that attractive to most men. That shows one is needy and a man will shy away from that. Set some goals for yourself and wait to meet the right one. Don't marry in haste and end up in years of regret.

freegirl 26th May 2012 07:05 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
So I'm back. I want to update you on what happened to my relationship with this guy.

I decided to give him a shot and dated him for a few months. He turned out to actually be quite a nice guy and I started to like him lots and maybe there were a few sparks. However eventually it seemed that our relationship reached a dead-end. Sure he still wanted to marry me but, for me it meant having to give up alot in my life to be with him and yet he didn't seem to be happy with that. In addition I also figured out that his priorities were somewhat off track and that was probably the reason why he was still single. All in all I was very straightforward with him. I didn't play any mind games and told him that it doesn't seem to be working out as of now and we should just try and figure out things on our own for the time being.

One thing I did learn from this experience is that sometimes even when you try to make things workout, if it's not meant to be then it won't happen. So the best thing you can do for yourself is to do what makes you happy and the rest will fall into place. Being a believer this also goes to show that nothing can happen without God's will and I prayed for His guidance daily and I believe He showed me the right path. Surprisingly I feel abit bad for ending things because I did develop feelings for him but at the same time also feel liberated. I have no regrets for having dated him...I think it was a learning experience for me. I'm also glad I took advise from this forum which helped me to be cautious in this matter as most of my friends were keen on me getting married to him. I'm now going to concentrate more on building my own career and let's see where I land :)

Raymond 26th May 2012 07:46 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
I think you will know it when it's right Freegirl. There will be a chemical attraction and you will have peace about it as well.

Sounds a bit like me. I was kind of dating a girl. We thought on similar lines spiritually. I was kind of drifting into marriage and in my head things were right. Kind of platonic if anything. Deep down in my heart though it was not right. There has to be some oomph! in it as well. At this time there was someone madly in love with me and couldn't eat her food, but I didn't know about it. It took two years to come out. When it did I knew she was the one after going out with her for a while. She didn't tell me because she had rejected me quite a few years before. The pastor had to tell me in the end. So things can change.

I would say it needs to be right in your head in your heart (chemical attraction, physical as well) and also peace. The peace was the primary thing for me.

I think you are very wise to call it off and really think and pray about it. It is about the most important decision you will ever make, apart from receiving Christ of course.

1aokgal 1st June 2012 04:00 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
Freegirl..

It sounds as if you matured a lot in your thinking about the future. Congratulations in your good judgment and sound reasoning. Love will come to you one day and it is worth waiting for the right one.

When you put work on your education and career, you increase your worth as a future marriage partner. There is increased confidence that you seek a life partner, and not a caretaker. You will bring the best dowry to your husband in future with virtue and education. As you mature, you will find men are drawn to you because you have goals and direction. You cannot teach and guide your children in future if you have no knowledge yourself.

Be patient and you will find the right person.

robin 23rd June 2012 10:25 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
absolutely no no no no no, you will regret being with someone you have no physical attraction to in the future - see my thread from 2005.
Of course you will meet someone else! Just make sure it's not when you are married to someone else at the time! Unfortunately when you are not physically attracted to someone from the start it is highly unlikely that attraction will grow.
Please do not consider taking this step,
from someone who made the same mistake many years agoxxx

Raymond 24th June 2012 06:00 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
You are right. It doesn't come out of nothing. If you don't get a good start you can be a bit handicapped. Eros can survive in marriage if you have it at the start even though it may need a bit of tending. Rather like a good garden with beautiful flowers needs tending and weeding at times long term. A marriage is far more than platonic with sex thrown in and it would be a mistake to enter it on that basis.

freegirl 5th September 2012 10:53 PM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
Hi everyone! Thanks for all the advise all of u gave me. I'm now in a new predicament and need some advise once again.

I had been invited to a family friends party awhile ago where I met someone. I was not able to talk to him for very long because I was helping out my friend with the party (probably talked to him for 15 mins). A few days back he got my contact from my friend and asked me on a date. Now the predicament I have is whether or not to pursue this further because of some issues which are as follows:

1. We both come from different social backgrounds and I'm not sure how that works out out in a relationship in the long run. I mean this in a very humble manner but my schooling has generally being much better than him right from the start and I have traveled more and had more exposure to dealing with different kinds of people. I also felt that in our 15min conversation I was also more mature although maybe that was probably not sufficient time to determine our intellectual maturity.
2. We have very different kind of jobs and mine is more demanding and time consuming and hence I generally earn abit more. My level of education is also abit higher. Maybe I'm just traditional but I always thought that the man should be the main bread-winner of the house.

Having talked about my concerns, there are also some significant pros about him:
1. He is by far one of the most handsome men I have ever met, so attraction to him is not at all a problem in this case.
2. Being only 1.5yrs older than me, he has the advantage of being within my age group.
3. With whatever resources he had available to him, he has managed to do something with his life and may be an indicative of potential for success.
4. My family friend told me he's a nice guy (although I think that's always subjective to what one thinks as 'nice')

Now my biggest concern here is can relationships workout well when u have a difference in social class and upbringing? Will we have problems interacting with each others friends and family? If I do better in my career than him will it cause friction?

I'm asking for advise here because I don't want to end up in a sticky situation again. Your feedback will be appreciated. Thanks!:)

1aokgal 6th September 2012 01:57 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
Freegirl..

You are looking him over like a horse you consider to buy. It is a date..not an event. Women can date different men and we don't look them over for serious defects based on social class unless he is a garbage collector and you are a PH.D. Enjoy a coffee, a movie, a walk in the park, trip to the zoo. All men are not prospects. Some are just nice acquaintances.

If you are so critical of everything about a man who asks you for a date you may end up a spinster. Relax and have fun and make a friend. Lighten up on the critique. Be a friend and enjoy time to meet others. If in doubt go out with another young couple.

chosen 6th September 2012 05:23 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
If it is SO important to you that a man has to have the same qualifications and can earn as much as you then how can it work? On the other hand if you are looking for a good man with honesty and integrity then give him a chance.
I have never been bothered by whether a person has a degree or whatever, as in my experience it makes no difference to a persons general intelligence, good life skills, wisdom, common sense or whether they are good husbands or wives. Its all just a few letters after your name, pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things. It also doesnt guarantee more money in work, or even that you can get work these days in the UK.

When I asked God what I wanted in a husband I never even mentioned education or money or what he earned, these things arent important to me. A willingness to work, honesty, good morals, integrity, faithfullness, kindness, patience, and a good sense of humour are to me what matter.:)

1aokgal 6th September 2012 06:00 AM

Re: Should I say yes?
 
This man is also young, so he may achieve more than where he is now. Good to ask him about his plans/ goals ahead. He is still developing his life plan. Dating a few different men helps give focus about what one hopes to find in a man. I think a good education is important and social skills and that you can see pretty quickly.


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