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-   -   Broke boyfriend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=9070)

1aokgal 7th April 2015 06:21 AM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
My husband goes sometimes for a lunch or to meet a couple of guys he works with at coffee shop or they plan a dinner to catch up on latest company gossip. My husband tells me he is away from home enough when he works, so he is pretty much a homing pigeon. These guys spend months on a ship together, so most have little interest to hang out somewhere. A couple of his friends will stop by in summer and they visit on the deck outside while I may shop or do something upstairs. These are a pretty settled group, so they are pretty nice people. I agree that having friends is healthy and natural, so long as it is not in bars.

Women over 30 here, generally have pretty good jobs, not transient situations, so they will return to that career after maternity. The best situations seem if family can help with childcare. This is sometimes where a grandmother fills in until child is older for kindergarten. It was always difficult to leave my daughter and go to work in those early years. It wrenches the heart no matter how great is the childcare.

It really takes two incomes here as well, if a couple plan to buy a home by 30's. Home ownership is still possible, but there is that 30 year home mortgage to consider. That couple needs to have a committed income to make that possible. Most couples will go into a starter home and later move up to a larger home by building equity. The longer one rents a home, the less chance to buy and build equity. This is still a country of possibility, coupled with hard work, and sound financial planning.

chosen 7th April 2015 07:50 AM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
Housing there is far far cheaper. Even with both working here, its not often a couple can afford to buy a home, even a very small one, unless they have well off parents who can help them with a large deposit. My son and his wife are in their 30's with a small son, and both work, but unless God does a miracle(and that is what I am praying for) I cant see how they will afford a home of their own. The rent on their tiny 2 bed terraced house is about $1500 a month. Its crazy. They also have no family near enough to help with daily child care. However they are very happy, and like me arent worried about material possessions and just want to be where Gods wants them.
My oldest nephew is the same. They rent a small 2 bed flat and have a small son, they wont have any more children because they haven't got the room even though they both work.
Its a very sad situation. When I married at 19 its was pretty easy to get a small home, we bought our first one(a 2 bed maisonette) at age 20 and 24, and we didnt earn that much. Housing is cheaper in some areas, such as the north of England, but of course those are areas with far less jobs available.

1aokgal 8th April 2015 05:52 AM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
You are right, it is cheaper to live in the US. Many do not appreciate what they have and get into serious debt. Young people need to learn to do without and save for what is important. The economy has taken a hit with goods produced overseas, which hurts US jobs, so many young people now find it difficult to locate a good job.

The rents are much higher today. The trend today goes toward luxury town homes/condos w/tenants gyms, a central pool, and lawn care paid by condo fees. Since rents are high, so many won't save enough for a down payment on a home in future. It is most likely many will remain in these condos with such pleasant amenities. The average rent for a 2 bedroom now is about $1,200 month, includes no utilities. This is a resort area, so some beach rentals are outrageous. The middle class struggles to maintain stability.

When we married, we rented lovely small single homes. They were sweet, reasonable and in nice areas. I'd hate to see how much they rent for today! Young couples now both work to survive, have smaller families. This is a community of really wealthy homes and they are huge. It seems many come from technology fields who hit it rich, which accounts for these communities. I just wish it was 20 years ago!

I'd love to be able to take another trip your way!

Lindentree1 8th April 2015 04:37 PM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
I live in Chicago (a few miles away), where a lot of two bedroom luxury apartments, not even condos, are $2000-3000.
It depends on where in the country you live. New York, L.A., and Chicago are pretty expensive places to live, as they are the three largest cities in the U.S.

chosen 8th April 2015 11:17 PM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lindentree1 (Post 83306)
I live in Chicago (a few miles away), where a lot of two bedroom luxury apartments, not even condos, are $2000-3000.
It depends on where in the country you live. New York, L.A., and Chicago are pretty expensive places to live, as they are the three largest cities in the U.S.

The cities are always more expensive. London is somewhere that only the very rich can afford to live, but if you go 10-20 miles outside prices are much lower.

Lindentree1 9th April 2015 01:16 AM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 83321)
The cities are always more expensive. London is somewhere that only the very rich can afford to live, but if you go 10-20 miles outside prices are much lower.

Yes, I've read that London is one of the most expensive places in the world to live.

1aokgal 9th April 2015 05:41 AM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
I flew into Chicago for a weeks' biz event years ago, and we landed in a snowstorm. That crippling cold was unbearable! Large cities are not my taste anymore. I managed to survive two years I worked in NYC. That is too expensive to live , so we lived in Brooklyn, and commuted by subway. There is no way I would ever again live in a large city, or enjoy a city of hi-rise buildings, but it was great to visit the fine museums, Metropolitan Opera, and shop in some of the elegant stores at Xmas. This city has it all, on a smaller scale, and we are but 3.5 hours from Washington, DC, and 20 minutes to the greatest beaches.

It is ideal for us to have access to hiking, biking, and outdoor activities. NYC seemed like a giant anthill with too many people who try to find a blade of grass. I'd love to visit London again, but I think money saved will go to home projects. My husband travels with his job, so he is all travelled out. We make short day trips to the mountains or a day in Washington work as our vacation.

Lindentree, I hope things are better for you? It is always a good thing if a woman has an interest that is separate from the marriage as a hobby, or gym, or group of friends from similar interest. I paint and always have projects going on. I get so occupied, sometimes I forget he is away, as I am too busy to miss him that much.

chosen 9th April 2015 10:44 AM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lindentree1 (Post 83322)
Yes, I've read that London is one of the most expensive places in the world to live.

Its totally crazy, not helped by the fact that so many of the worlds richest people come and buy up properties and rarely use them.

chosen 9th April 2015 10:46 AM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 83326)
I flew into Chicago for a weeks' biz event years ago, and we landed in a snowstorm. That crippling cold was unbearable! Large cities are not my taste anymore. I managed to survive two years I worked in NYC. That is too expensive to live , so we lived in Brooklyn, and commuted by subway. There is no way I would ever again live in a large city, or enjoy a city of hi-rise buildings, but it was great to visit the fine museums, Metropolitan Opera, and shop in some of the elegant stores at Xmas. This city has it all, on a smaller scale, and we are but 3.5 hours from Washington, DC, and 20 minutes to the greatest beaches.

It is ideal for us to have access to hiking, biking, and outdoor activities. NYC seemed like a giant anthill with too many people who try to find a blade of grass. I'd love to visit London again, but I think money saved will go to home projects. My husband travels with his job, so he is all travelled out. We make short day trips to the mountains or a day in Washington work as our vacation.

Lindentree, I hope things are better for you? It is always a good thing if a woman has an interest that is separate from the marriage as a hobby, or gym, or group of friends from similar interest. I paint and always have projects going on. I get so occupied, sometimes I forget he is away, as I am too busy to miss him that much.

I could never live in a city either. Cant stand the noise, the traffic, the crowds and lack
of greenery. I need trees and greenery to 'breathe' and I am happier in small towns or villages with access to open land. As you say, nice to visit, but not to live.

Lindentree1 9th April 2015 02:03 PM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 83326)
I flew into Chicago for a weeks' biz event years ago, and we landed in a snowstorm. That crippling cold was unbearable! Large cities are not my taste anymore. I managed to survive two years I worked in NYC. That is too expensive to live , so we lived in Brooklyn, and commuted by subway. There is no way I would ever again live in a large city, or enjoy a city of hi-rise buildings, but it was great to visit the fine museums, Metropolitan Opera, and shop in some of the elegant stores at Xmas. This city has it all, on a smaller scale, and we are but 3.5 hours from Washington, DC, and 20 minutes to the greatest beaches.

It is ideal for us to have access to hiking, biking, and outdoor activities. NYC seemed like a giant anthill with too many people who try to find a blade of grass. I'd love to visit London again, but I think money saved will go to home projects. My husband travels with his job, so he is all travelled out. We make short day trips to the mountains or a day in Washington work as our vacation.

Lindentree, I hope things are better for you? It is always a good thing if a woman has an interest that is separate from the marriage as a hobby, or gym, or group of friends from similar interest. I paint and always have projects going on. I get so occupied, sometimes I forget he is away, as I am too busy to miss him that much.

Thanks for asking 1aokgal. I am hanging on. I have hobbies and interests but I am still quite upset. I wanted my marriage to last, but I just have to learn a new normal, I guess.

Chicago is cold, but I'm originally from Minnesota, which is even colder. So the cold here doesn't really faze me.

Lindentree1 9th April 2015 02:06 PM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 83330)
I could never live in a city either. Cant stand the noise, the traffic, the crowds and lack
of greenery. I need trees and greenery to 'breathe' and I am happier in small towns or villages with access to open land. As you say, nice to visit, but not to live.

I used to live directly in Chicago. It was a bit much with a lot of activity and traffic. Now I live in a suburb a few miles outside of Chicago. I prefer the suburban life. Lots of trees, etc.

1aokgal 9th April 2015 04:33 PM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
Dear Lindentree..

Minnesota? Wow, that is cold and rural. Were you raised on a farm? How did you go from there to Chicago? I know there are still many Mennonites in that area and large family owned farms. I have seen films of that area, but never there. I do Geneology online, and Minnesota is interesting for history of immigrants.

I am one who loves rural, and enjoy a drive in the country (with the dog), and often take pics to use in oil painting. Your dog doing OK? I am sure to avoid crowds and hectic city places. Big shopping malls are wasted on me. We have a botanical garden in the area with pleasant pathways and that outing sure brightens my day. I read your story and I feel your sadness at how someone you think you know, can become cold and a stranger. Personally, I think men shut down pretty harsh...more than women. When it gets to the point you realized all is lost, then comes time you need to save yourself and salvage what you can to begin again. It is not easy to build a new life, or gain skills for survival. When one is a pair, and then you need to survive alone, it can be overwhelming.

I see many churches now have meetings for separated, divorced, and that can be very helpful and supportive. Our city has an activity section of the newspaper with all kinds of support groups. That helped me for a time deal with the extreme anxiety and grief I felt when a marriage was over. There is the need to survive financially, and all the physical things that come with that stress. I hope you have kind people and family to give you support as this goes along. One day it just gets better.

Since my husband is away all the time, I also have to be comfortable in my own space. I love the painting lessons on U-tube and creating something beautiful in the use of my time. I think I have a bit to share about life, so post here at times.
The problem you have you posted about is clearly Sciatica, and pain radiates down one leg from the back. That is most likely a herniated disk. This disk problem can result from some physical strain, picking up something heavy, or even weak abdominals, sitting too much, needing more strength exercises. There are some simple stretch exercises that help (online) this, but Sciatica can run from excruciating pain, to one becoming immobile. The swelling involved in an injury takes months to heal. Yes, I know that problem well, as do millions who lose work time because of "bad back" discomfort.

Do you and your husband talk about your situation or does he just blow you off?
Today, I paint, Tomorrow, I have to do the blasted taxes, which takes me several days to do complicated biz return and such. I feel like condemned! I can't procrastinate any longer on the task. On your return..I would file separately, and not bend to his needs or desires. Sounds like he just wants to pull your strings, so he benefits. Who cares?

Lindentree1 9th April 2015 06:00 PM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 83336)
Dear Lindentree..

Minnesota? Wow, that is cold and rural. Were you raised on a farm? How did you go from there to Chicago? I know there are still many Mennonites in that area and large family owned farms. I have seen films of that area, but never there. I do Geneology online, and Minnesota is interesting for history of immigrants.

I am one who loves rural, and enjoy a drive in the country (with the dog), and often take pics to use in oil painting. Your dog doing OK? I am sure to avoid crowds and hectic city places. Big shopping malls are wasted on me. We have a botanical garden in the area with pleasant pathways and that outing sure brightens my day. I read your story and I feel your sadness at how someone you think you know, can become cold and a stranger. Personally, I think men shut down pretty harsh...more than women. When it gets to the point you realized all is lost, then comes time you need to save yourself and salvage what you can to begin again. It is not easy to build a new life, or gain skills for survival. When one is a pair, and then you need to survive alone, it can be overwhelming.

I see many churches now have meetings for separated, divorced, and that can be very helpful and supportive. Our city has an activity section of the newspaper with all kinds of support groups. That helped me for a time deal with the extreme anxiety and grief I felt when a marriage was over. There is the need to survive financially, and all the physical things that come with that stress. I hope you have kind people and family to give you support as this goes along. One day it just gets better.

Since my husband is away all the time, I also have to be comfortable in my own space. I love the painting lessons on U-tube and creating something beautiful in the use of my time. I think I have a bit to share about life, so post here at times.
The problem you have you posted about is clearly Sciatica, and pain radiates down one leg from the back. That is most likely a herniated disk. This disk problem can result from some physical strain, picking up something heavy, or even weak abdominals, sitting too much, needing more strength exercises. There are some simple stretch exercises that help (online) this, but Sciatica can run from excruciating pain, to one becoming immobile. The swelling involved in an injury takes months to heal. Yes, I know that problem well, as do millions who lose work time because of "bad back" discomfort.

Do you and your husband talk about your situation or does he just blow you off?
Today, I paint, Tomorrow, I have to do the blasted taxes, which takes me several days to do complicated biz return and such. I feel like condemned! I can't procrastinate any longer on the task. On your return..I would file separately, and not bend to his needs or desires. Sounds like he just wants to pull your strings, so he benefits. Who cares?

:) No, I wasn't raised on a farm. I grew up in a suburb outside of Minneapolis. So, no, farm life is completely out of my radar, many miles outside of where I grew up. Also, I am half Swedish as many Swedes came to Minnesota. My family on both sides are from Europe. I moved to Chicago because my husband got a job in research at a University. He still does research in his own lab and teaches now.

I don't think I have Sciatica because the pain doesn't radiate down my leg. I am feeling much better, and I suspect my problem is over-pronation. I ordered some Vionic Orthaheel shoes-I think that should help. The shoes are cute and don't look like orthotics.

No, my husband doesn't talk to me and shuts down when I've tried to get him to open up. Yes, I'm very upset by the whole situation. I'm even more upset that he led me on for four months, acting like we had a chance to reconcile. I'm going to therapy to help cope. I think this is something only time will heal. I want to have hope for my future, I'm hoping to carve out a new life. I am thinking of moving to the Pacific Northwest when all this is over. Washington state, perhaps. My parents are gone and I don't have much family, so I am pretty free to go anywhere after this. Starting over is scary, though. And I really liked my University, but it is the one my husband teaches at, and I need a clean break from him, which is another reason I want to leave this state.

Yes, my dog is doing well. It took him awhile to adapt to his different surroundings, but he is okay now. What kind of dog do you have?

Are you originally from the States, or did you move here from somewhere else?

I'm glad you have hobbies to engage in when your husband is gone. I wish I could paint. It's a skill I definitely don't have! :)

1aokgal 9th April 2015 06:40 PM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
My father was a naval officer on ship in CA. and married my mother there where I was born. They divorced when I was 3. Both remarried, and I hardly knew him, though we lived here in the same city. I live in Virginia Beach, Va. a resort area. This is also one of largest naval bases in US. I met my husband here. He was then in the German Navy, and on a NATO exchange program. Actually, one can say I was his green card. Navy life is part of my background from family, and I married into Navy life. My husband is a Merchant Marine Officer, which explains his always being gone.

Buddy is the dog, right? Dipper is a rather stubborn Pekinese, 10 lbs of spoiled, and a bit aggressive. That goes with the breed. He is my constant companion. The orthotic shoes sound cute, and a good idea.

You sound like a very intelligent woman who has got good direction forward. I'm sorry you don't have your family. I have a pen pal in Washington state...cold there. Have you ever considered life on the East coast? It is warm and beautiful here. Old Dominion University is here. It is a shame the two of you couldn't sit down and talk about things. It sounds more like a business deal than a love, when a man keeps you dangling and jerks your guts around. That would make me really angry and upset. Do you have a job that will work out for you somewhere else, as teaching? You can always send resumes out ahead if you like a certain area. There are good jobs here in Civil Service, which pay extremely well. Was there any real estate or property to divide so you have a start? Men always land on their feet, and usually the women are left scrounging to make it all work out. It does work out though, if you take it one day at a time. Who needs to live in misery? I got out of a marriage as fast as I could, left the area, and never looked back!

I sure was a bitter person, and had no plans to remarry for a long time...I thought. Some things just work out and not as we plan it. There is life after divorce!
The painting came later in life. It seems I have a real natural talent for it. I used that as a reason to take real pricey seminars with several world famous painters. I loved that! This area is rich with culture advantages. I did travel extensively in Europe with my husband and we lived some years in Germany. One of my favorite things...great museums!

Lindentree1 9th April 2015 08:24 PM

Re: Broke boyfriend
 
Your life sounds wonderful! And you went from heartache to happiness; that's really inspiring.

My dog (Buddy) is a Poodle mix. He is called a Peekapoo. He is half poodle, half Pekinese.

I've heard Virginia Beach is beautiful. Growing up I knew someone who lived there as a child, and he loved it.

I wanted to move east originally, but I worried it would be too expensive for me. I guess it depends on the area.

I'm not a teacher--well I taught preschool when I was younger, then turned to other occupations. I was at University to finish my degree. I guess I'll have to finish it elsewhere.

There are great museums in Europe. I made it a point to visit as many as I could every time I went.
I'd love to go back someday, but my financial circumstances have changed, as you can imagine. I'm doing okay, but certainly I have less than before. That doesn't bother me that much. Losing my husband was much worse than anything. But you're right--none of his actions have screamed "love." :(


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