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-   -   Desperately seeking guidance (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=6171)

Anonymous 17th July 2009 02:28 PM

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Ageing Grace 18th July 2009 03:27 AM

Re: Desperately seeking guidance
 
Hello. It's a bit difficult to know how to reply when you have posted as Anonymous and in the wrong forum! I apologise for saying that, because you've put a huge effort into your post - sometimes it helps just to write stuff down, and I hope that was the case with you :)

Your fiance is experiencing grief. Some people 'deal' with the pain of their bereavement by pretending it was nothing more affecting than the loss of a car. Men, especially, tend to do this. It makes it easier for them to carry on regardless - acting strong, and stowing away their hurt feelings in a compartment that will never be opened again.

As you've noticed, this tends to lead to a denial of all emotions ... but they will surge up again, those feelings, even in unsuitable ways. Trouble is, of course, it's a rare man who will say "Oh yes, I've become immersed in online porn because I don't want to face my feelings of bereavement"

Your man has an added load of guilt, because deployment to Iraq isn't much of a picnic. He's probably feeling that he left his mates in the lurch - then couldn't be there for his Mum - then couldn't make you happy. None of that is his fault, but he must be as down as he can be about it. I feel very sorry for him :(

Not that the above is any excuse for doing porn. That's hardly going to help him (or you) - it's just exactly the same as all those sad drunks you see in bars, who've been so busy "forgetting" that they can't remember anything but the name of the bar :eek:

He will get over this, one way or another. The bad news is, you can't make him get over it and you can't magic things back to the way they were. Many men move on to another partner, meaning they leave all their unhappy feelings behind with (and unfairly blamed on) their ex. Bad news, I know!

As you're close to his Dad, who must be suffering badly himself, I'd suggest staying kind & caring (but not a doormat!) with them both. Perhaps they'll sort themselves out on their nature trip.

Best outcome: Your fiance gets his grieving finished (it takes 2 years, average) with you by his side, and you make sure he feels comfortable enough around you that he can talk when he's ready.

This is a lot to ask of a young person, especially one whose relationship is being threatened by porn. If you choose not to take it on, don't think worse of yourself.

There's some helpful advice here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/c...eavement.shtml

Best wishes,
AG

Raymond 8th September 2009 12:59 PM

Re: Desperately seeking guidance
 
Yes it may well be wrapped up in the bereavement. It has to have a time limit eventually where you pick up and live a normal life again. Sometimes this will take an effort on his part to put it behind him. I don't know for sure whether the porn was connected to it or how long he was doing this. Could it have even started before the loss of his mother? Whatever it is a kind of mental unfaithfulness.

If he was deeply into the porn an addiction could have formed which is very difficult to break. This will certainly affect a sex life and could be the reason for the stonyness you are experiencing.

It seems obvious to me that something has not been reconciled in a healthy way whatever that is.

Raymond

Raymond 8th September 2009 01:01 PM

Re: Desperately seeking guidance
 
Oops!. Didn't see this was an old thread.

Raymond


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