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chosen 18th April 2014 07:15 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78787)
Can I please ask you to ignore my posts? It seems that you got it all wrong and what you say hurts me. I am already hurt and do not need this on a forum.
My husband does not want to leave me because I want to continue my career he leaves me because financially we are in a bad place and I do not present any interest FINANCIALLY. The only thing bothering him more is my potential in the future to make more money than him. That is all. And he does not want the responsibility of children.
So please, is Easter and I was hurt enough. I do not come here to be judged. I really would appreciate if you just ignore my posts.

There is no judgement here, I am trying to help you understand what a big commitment marriage is, and that it takes time and effort and compromise to maintain and keep it strong and healthy.

Why don't the two of you arrange for some good marriage counselling? I think you need it because you don't seem able to communicate too well at the moment.
Are you happy to never have children?

chosen 18th April 2014 07:16 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78788)
Hi I am so glad for you. You are a lucky one. My husband is not worry about me getting a career or not, he is just his own mean self I do not know for what reason.
My marriage went south when money were no longer coming in abundance. And now, when my business is going very bad, when I am struggling financially I present no interest. His anger comes from the fact that he seen himself in the position of helping me with money for few months.

I do not know anymore but I think that he and his mother planned since he was here. He was studying for 2 years (and I was working and he was one of the reasons I couldn't concentrate enough on business because he was acting like a child ), he worked for 6 months until he had a work accident because of a colleague - he had a contusion at the right leg - he was in medical for two months and then he didn't want to do anything, he didn't want to work etc. and we sort of decided we will go to Spain. So one day we argue, he gets angry calls his mother and decides he will just go first to make money in order to fix is condom I will stay to put things in order and after I am admitted to MBA (MBA was a method to find work easier in Spain - because of University network as well a method to make sure I make enough money in the future), it was what we decided. So everything is well and good until the middle of February when after he asking me every other day if I need any money I say ok you can send me money because it will be easier for me. This is how all started. What I think is that his mother was very upset - although I am coming from a wealthy family and I've always made more money than him she was comfortable with me spending money and not the other way around. I remember while we were dating, in the occasions we stayed at there house (because they were alone) his mother was always like wow you always buy clothes and stuff I wish I could do this. And well yes when I go to holidays I have time to shop and because I never had time I used holidays or business trips to buy everything I needed. As a business & marketing person I needed to look the part. So yes all our problems - or should I say his problem started when I told him I needed money - although he offered all the time. This is one of the main things he reproaches me in his mother's words. That I am selfish, that I don't know once I didn't think he was supposed to pay for the repairing of the car his father destroyed and his mother uses. No normal person goes in 2 months, because he/she should support his/her spouse from being normal to hating the other one. I mean not when I helped him for two years. I just supposed it was ok if he does it for few months. The only thing he has against my career and MBA are what his mother used to say. She used to be envious for what I could get and what my life is, what my future would bring. I think yes, he does not love me as he used to and she got to him. She wins. She can have him. I'm sick from shock and crying and I need to focus on me. I really can't take the drama. What he is doing does not seems real to me. All our friends are shocked - he is like dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

So now I am just trying to pick up the pieces and put myself together.
Have a nice Easter:)

I thought you said before that he didn't want you to do further studying?

edgya1234 18th April 2014 08:22 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 78790)
I thought you said before that he didn't want you to do further studying?

Well he does, he does not, God should understand him because I don't. I also said that he is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde lately. So he says all of that and more. If there were no money problem and not a crazy mother in the picture he would to be in sink with me. His mother was against us having children. Do not ask me why because I do not know. We planned on having a child when I finished the MBA. I wanted a little girl:) But this is out of the picture. I do not know where I stand. He says one thing today and another one in one week. I do not know if those are his thoughts or his mother's. She has a totally twisted relationship with him. (She also has a history - out of three boys the oldest does not want to see her and she does not know her grandsons).
I have to keep concentrating on my life. It is hard as it is. I won't allow this to destroy my life, my dreams and myself. I have to go on with my plans because it is the only thing I have right now:(
I do not know if you can picture this: I had one life that changed in three weeks, out of the blue, with no warning signs, just because for two months I relayed on him for money. He might say a lot of things but I was shunned when I took him for his word and I said that is OK to help me and word of this got to his mother. I am certain of this because last time he transferred me money from his account his mother found out, called him and started screaming that she hopes that was not a habit. He was ashamed than, he is not ashamed now. Is his life. If he wants to live it with his mother that is it. I can't fight her anymore. She wins:( Se is a woman of her word, she promised me at my wedding that she will separate us. So please do not tell me of the sacrifices because I've done a lot and is still not enough.

1aokgal 18th April 2014 09:20 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Dear Edgy,
I have followed your posts from the beginning. It is hard to follow all, as the changing dynamics make you sometimes very hurt and angry. Are you older than your husband? Perhaps I see that, as you are more goal oriented, and he has been more coddled in his family so is not as mature about things. You were pleased with his admiration/compliments at the beginning of your relationship! You have a high need that others will think well of you. At the same time you do well in your career path, you lack confidence in social dealings. Especially where men are concerned, it seems you mask that intense insecurity with dominance and control. You indicated your mother-in-law said at the beginning, she hoped to separate you from her son. Not a good start!

I have to tell you that Latin mothers can be particularly smothering as your husband seems to fail to live up to your idea he should be stronger or more masculine. So in one way you want him to be a strong male, but are are the most aggressive in nature. There can't be two bulls in the ring! I think that his mother can either be your greatest foe or your greatest advantage, if you reflected more of what she wants for her son. Your desires are centered around YOUR need to excel by pursuing this MBA, when the timing seems wrong where the finances are very poor now. He can't help you when things are down for him and he supports money to his mother. If you were working again, even just a decent job, not the executive job, you could both be less dependent on his mother as he lives with her. He is not doing well, but provides for his mother. Many European men do this as it should be.

I had a similar situation years ago, as I put a paid tuition scholarship aside to accompany my husband back to Germany for his career move. Otherwise, I would be attending school here alone, while he worked there. It was a three year deferment of my own goals. I didn't apply for that tuition aid then, as it was gone. I could only work my way through the years. It took far longer and I even worked part time on campus for some tuition break. It was tough.

It sounds as if your clock is running on having a family? Any mother of a European man will see that wife who puts the children aside, as not having focus on the family. Most men are close to a mother and if YOU had a child, you would better understand this. Her focus is to have grandchildren and see her son has a woman who puts center around him. My focus has always been around my husband ! My German mother-in-law saw me as older than her son, divorced, and with a child. She also saw this about me that NOTHING was more important to me, than what my husband wants. I put my own ambition to the side for that focus. My MIL and I are very close because she realizes his needs comes first with me.

I see when you are insecure as a woman, and angry with him, you tell your husband there are men who pursue and will do whatever you want! Never, ever, tell a man that...even if when you go to the store they chase you down the street! It is no compliment to any woman that men are in hot pursuit, because it does NOT matter your appearance, age, or attractiveness, these men are in HEAT and will chase a goat! I don't feel better about myself, because some idiot comes on to me somewhere. Perhaps that is your way to hurt him? You say he "rejected you" to say NO to some things sexually.

Perhaps you are more adventuresome sexually. Maybe, he is rather unsophisticated or not as experienced sexually. He may lack imagination, or sees sex in a narrow way. I will tell you this..that sex is probably pretty good for you, if you compromise. You seem to need more adventure in the bedroom. Car sex may turn YOU on sexually, but that scenario can put you both in severe, life threatened danger. There are disgusting animals who prey on couples who make out in the car in lovers' lane places. They prey on these areas and rape the woman in front of the husband and brutalize both sexually. There are many killings of young couples who were murdered, because they chose a thrill of some car sex, instead of the safety in the home bedroom or a motel! It seems there has been a two year period when you had problems with relating to him sexually. that must bother you very much that you were blocked. Perhaps this element of voyeurism zaps it up for you, but that is risky and embarrassing. Years ago, my friend and her beau got busted in a choice of lovemaking spot. The police knocked on the car window, and pretty embarrassed to have her slacks down around her ankles, and a flashlight in her face! The cops said, "Get dressed, go home." We laughed about it, but they could have had something terrible happen to them. You are not the only couple who ever did this!

You look like a nice couple in the image you posted. He is handsome and kind looking. I will tell you, if you don't alter your focus to make HIM the center of your world, that marriage will be history. His mother should be close to you, as she is to her son. Love is about making him and his family YOUR center. You cannot find happiness in an MBA certificate hung on your wall. You might find happiness, if you have children with your husband, and work around your family to make what you can to live better, and make it about your home and not about YOU.

I completed my educational goals, but it took far longer to do it. You have to put the reality of your living situation before scholastic goals at times. I thought I would be the major breadwinner, as I was at times, while my husband had periodic job problems. It ended up, that he far excelled my expectations, and earns major money with great job responsibility. He makes a very good living and we are married 35 years. I would put him first every time! My mother-in-law dotes on me, because she knows I put her son first. Love is about putting the other person FIRST, before yourself.

I do not mean to hurt you, but I think until you put the focus on the most important thing..your love for him..you will not be happy. Never say things you will regret nor try to "make him sorry." I think you have made some serious mistakes in the marriage. No, it sure is not ALL your fault. It takes two to mess up! You see things as a person who needs approval so badly, you will destroy the
life you have together unless you change. See if you can get into counseling with him. Easter might bring a rebirth if you learn to see things not all about YOU...but about the two of you.

edgya1234 18th April 2014 10:54 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 78792)
Dear Edgy,
I have followed your posts from te beginning although it is hard to follow your thread as there are changing dynamics and you are sometimes very hurt and angry. Are you older than your husband? You were pleased with his admiration and compliments at the beginning of your relationship. You have a high need that others think well of you while at the same time you do well in your career path, you often lack confidence in social dealings. Especially where men are concerned it seems you mask the insecurity with dominance and control. You indicated your mother in law said at the beginning she hoped to separate you from her son.

I have to tell you that Latin mothers can be particularly smothering and your husband often fails to live up to your idea he should be stronger or more masculine. So in one way you want him to be a strong male, but are you seem to carry the most aggressive nature there can't be two bulls in the ring! I think that mother can either be your greatest foe or your greatest advantage, if you reflected more of what she wants for her son. Your desires are centered around your need to excel by pursing the MBA when the timing seems wrong where the finances re very poor. If you were working again, even just a decent job, not the executive you could be less dependent on his mother as he lives with her. He is not doing well, but provides for his mother. which many sons will do. I put a paid tuition scholarship aside to accompany my husband back to Germany for his career, otherwise I would be going to school here alone while he worked there. It was a three year deferment of my goals. I didn't apply for that went we got back and worked my way through, so it took longer.

It also sounds as if you clock is running on having a family. Any mother of a European man will see that wife who puts the children aside, as not having focus on the family. Most men are close to a mother and if you had a child, you would better understand that her focus is to have grandchildren and see her son has a woman who puts focus around him. My focus has always been around my husband . My German mother-in-law as I was older than her son, divorced and with a child. Nothing, was more important to me than what my husband wants and I put my own ambition to the side for that focus. When you are insecure as a woman, you tell your husband there are men who pursue and will do whatever you want. Never tell a man that...even if when you go tot the store they chase you down the street! It is no compliment to any woman that men are in hot pursuit because it does NOT matter your appearance, age, or attractiveness these men are in heat and will chase a goat! I don't feel better about myself because some idiot comes on to me somewhere. Perhaps that is your way to hurt him as you say he "rejected you" to say no to some things sexually.

Perhaps you are more adventuresome sexually and he is rather unsophisticated or not as experienced. and he may lac imagination sees sex in a narrow way. I will tell you this..that sex inthat you seem to need more adventure in the bedroom. Car sex may turn YOU on sexually, but that scenario can put you both in severe , life threatened danger. There are disgusting animals who prey on couples who make out in the car in lovers' lane places. They prey on these areas and rape the woman in front of the husband and brutalize both sexually. There many killings of young couples who were murdered because they chose a thrill instead of the safety in the home bedroom. It seems there has been a two year period when you had problems with relating to him sexually and perhaps this element of voyeurism zapped it up. Maybe that choice of lovemaking spot adds an edge.

You look like a really nice couple and the image you posted. He is handsome and kind looking. I will tell you if you don't alter your focus to make HIM the center of your world, that marriage will be history. His mother should be close to you, as she is to her son. Love is about making him and his family YOUR center. You cannot find happiness in an MBA certificate hung on your wall. You might find happiness, if you have his children with your husband, and work around your family to make what you can to live better, and make it about your home and not about YOU.

I completed my educational goals but it took me longer to do it. You have to put the reality of your living situation before scholastic goals at times. I thought I would be the major breadwinner, as I was at times ,while my husband had job problems. It ended up that he far excelled my expectations when I continued to work to support his career when it was necessary to do that for a time.
We are together 35 years and I would put him first every time! My mother-in-law dotes on me, because she knows I put her son first. Love is about putting the other person before yourself.

I do not mean to hurt you, but I think until you put the focus on the most important thing..your love for him..you will not be happy. Never say things you will regret nor try to "make him sorry." I think you have made some serious mistakes in th emarriage. No, it sure is not all your fault. It takes two to mess up! You see things as a person who needs approval so badly, you will destroy the se elife you have. See if you can get into counseling with him. Easter might bring a rebirth if you learn to see things not all about you..but about the two of you.

No I am not:)
Is not that I was very impressed. Is that he was very persistent. He somehow convinced me that I am the most important person in his life. Looking back I could have chose anybody. Why I chose him is besides me. Maybe I did believe that he will replace loved people I've lost.
I do not lack attention:) But as you well put it attention is not everything. Is just he noticed men looking at me while I never did and was never a problem, we just laugh. I tend not to notice small details that do not concern me.
His mother has no issue with me personally. She has an issue that her son who would stay with her forever and never marry decided to marry and replace her. She has a husband and two other sons. She does not need money or something, she has anything she needs. She wants control. Of the other two sons one never see her and the reason is fuzzy and she dose not know her grandsons. Never saw them. The second one is not the apple of her eyes and she did hurt him and his wife - they moved to the other part of Spain. So what are the possibilities that from three daughters in law : one never wants to see her, the other one thinks once a year is too much and I was the only silly one that showered her with gifts and indulged her.
She has a sick relationship with him. It is like she gets what she needs from her husband and her son is her confident, she wants to go out with him and his friends, wants him to drive her around, she enters the bathroom when he showers, she is not what anybody on any standards in the world will call a normal mother.
He is not providing for her, she has a husband and her own money. He wants his money just to prove to herself that somebody (a man) does things for her. It is strange.
So we are speaking here about my money and my life - I need to go further in life because it is who I am, who he fall in love with. This is not a problem, as I said in Spain the University will get me a very high paid job and a scholarship so I won't depend on him for anything. I am doing this so we can reach his dream of having everything in life. Right now he is not sending me money. I manage myself and I am getting back on track.
My mother in law does not wants us to have children because she knows that just with me he couldn't manipulate my husband. With a child he will be more focused on his family not just her as she wants.
Your experience is very different from mine. You have a husband and a marriage. I think I had a joke with a 37 years old child that is not mature enough to assume any kind of responsibilities.
Off I am just so confused of everything, He is saying he does not want me. It seems sick to pursue him if he says he does not want me. I am hurt and I am ashamed that I am hurt and I can't lose myself in this process. Myself is the only thing I have left.

1aokgal 19th April 2014 03:45 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Edgy...

You had a strong attraction at the beginning, but perhaps you didn't talk about things that are important when you bond into a lifetime. The issues would be how you each feel about short term goals and long term goals. You have a strong drive to self actualize, and that may have been from the fact you didn't get safety, security and love needs met as child. He seems to have always had strong bonds with his mother, and family, to the point he doesn't have the same drive to succeed that you display. Maybe he wants things, but doesn't know how to achieve to get those things. That could make him somewhat reckless in how he handles money. Didn't you say he lost a bit at the Casino? Everybody knows that the house wins. So gambling is taking a risk that average working people can't indulge to do.

Anyway, I hope you have a good Easter weekend. Maybe you have some points to think about from here. Sometimes it helps to get the input. In any case, you have some healing to do and when next you talk to him don't beat up on each other. If it is over...let it be as kind and courteous as you can make it. At least, end well!

I think it is safe to say most mothers think a someone interested in their child might never be good enough. That is moreso when that child is a male. His mother would naturally discourages the idea of your having children, if that marriage is not a stable one. Children never save a marriage, but can sure sink it. If there are already problems as a child requires their undivided needs are met for a long time. Children do not seem important for you, so it might not be far off the mark to say perhaps marriage is not for you.
Not all couples want or need children but your focus is strictly on your needs and desires and not on both of you as a couple. There are sacrifices that are made in marriage and, usually, the woman is the one who needs to make them.
It also comes down to where women were originally placed in this world as the companion and partner to the man, since the original man. I defer to my husband.

Edgy, I think you may not understand that biblical principle. I don't think man is necessarily smarter, though , he may be stronger perhaps. Where should a woman be placed in relationship to her man? I say that he is head of the household by the respect that I pay to him. I have to confess this, rather crudely, that I can be quite a ball buster, forgive my bluntness here, but I am pretty aggressive and focused when something needs to be done. Yet, out of the love I bear my husband, I will not get the last word, when to do so demeans him or takes from him, the right he has to make some decisions for us. I will bow to his decision in important matters because, if I did not do that, than we have no viable link to continue together.

My husband works overseas many months at a time. I buy the houses, cars, and make financial decisions that concern us. He is not here to do this. In his absence, I still consult/ask him in advance for his opinion, and if he is opposed to something , we go with his decision, not mine. I will always give my husband that respect! I don't try to prove how independent I can be or how decisive, when to do so robs him of the right to decide as a man, how we will be. I defer to him. YOU decide what you do, how and when you do it. That indicates your husband has NO power in your marriage. You don't respect him and you describe him as the child. The only way he could hold any power in your marriage is to knock you down and walk over you. You don't make way and that robs him of his ability to be strong in your marriage. That can emasculate a man when the power is imbalanced between a husband and wife.

If you teach a child to wash dishes, and he may do a poor job at first, he will never learn if somebody else steps in and yanks the job away from him. In a sense your drive, deprives him, of being the man for you. He has been emasculated to achieve anything because it will never be enough for you. That feminine side of you must want him to do things for you? I am not talking about now he should give you money. I am talking about before you both got to this sad point in the marriage. Maybe I don't explain this well? I don't mean to be all critical, but to introspect a little on these points. Do you ever defer to your husband?

I ask a question. What do you owe your husband? If you ask me, I say, " I owe him everything." Until you can put your feeling into being less about you, there is no marriage, is there? I open this up to Chosen or Raymond, as well, because maybe I express this wrong. What duty is owed to a husband?

edgya1234 19th April 2014 01:57 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 78795)
Edgy...

You had a strong attraction at the beginning, but perhaps you didn't talk about things that are important when you bond into a lifetime. The issues would be how you each feel about short term goals and long term goals. You have a strong drive to self actualize, and that may have been from the fact you didn't get safety, security and love needs met as child. He seems to have always had strong bonds with his mother, and family, to the point he doesn't have the same drive to succeed that you display. Maybe he wants things, but doesn't know how to achieve to get those things. That could make him somewhat reckless in how he handles money. Didn't you say he lost a bit at the Casino? Everybody knows that the house wins. So gambling is taking a risk that average working people can't indulge to do.

Anyway, I hope you have a good Easter weekend. Maybe you have some points to think about from here. Sometimes it helps to get the input. In any case, you have some healing to do and when next you talk to him don't beat up on each other. If it is over...let it be as kind and courteous as you can make it. At least, end well!

I think it is safe to say most mothers think a someone interested in their child might never be good enough. That is moreso when that child is a male. His mother would naturally discourages the idea of your having children, if that marriage is not a stable one. Children never save a marriage, but can sure sink it. If there are already problems as a child requires their undivided needs are met for a long time. Children do not seem important for you, so it might not be far off the mark to say perhaps marriage is not for you.
Not all couples want or need children but your focus is strictly on your needs and desires and not on both of you as a couple. There are sacrifices that are made in marriage and, usually, the woman is the one who needs to make them.
It also comes down to where women were originally placed in this world as the companion and partner to the man, since the original man. I defer to my husband.

Edgy, I think you may not understand that biblical principle. I don't think man is necessarily smarter, though , he may be stronger perhaps. Where should a woman be placed in relationship to her man? I say that he is head of the household by the respect that I pay to him. I have to confess this, rather crudely, that I can be quite a ball buster, forgive my bluntness here, but I am pretty aggressive and focused when something needs to be done. Yet, out of the love I bear my husband, I will not get the last word, when to do so demeans him or takes from him, the right he has to make some decisions for us. I will bow to his decision in important matters because, if I did not do that, than we have no viable link to continue together.

My husband works overseas many months at a time. I buy the houses, cars, and make financial decisions that concern us. He is not here to do this. In his absence, I still consult/ask him in advance for his opinion, and if he is opposed to something , we go with his decision, not mine. I will always give my husband that respect! I don't try to prove how independent I can be or how decisive, when to do so robs him of the right to decide as a man, how we will be. I defer to him. YOU decide what you do, how and when you do it. That indicates your husband has NO power in your marriage. You don't respect him and you describe him as the child. The only way he could hold any power in your marriage is to knock you down and walk over you. You don't make way and that robs him of his ability to be strong in your marriage. That can emasculate a man when the power is imbalanced between a husband and wife.

If you teach a child to wash dishes, and he may do a poor job at first, he will never learn if somebody else steps in and yanks the job away from him. In a sense your drive, deprives him, of being the man for you. He has been emasculated to achieve anything because it will never be enough for you. That feminine side of you must want him to do things for you? I am not talking about now he should give you money. I am talking about before you both got to this sad point in the marriage. Maybe I don't explain this well? I don't mean to be all critical, but to introspect a little on these points. Do you ever defer to your husband?

I ask a question. What do you owe your husband? If you ask me, I say, " I owe him everything." Until you can put your feeling into being less about you, there is no marriage, is there? I open this up to Chosen or Raymond, as well, because maybe I express this wrong. What duty is owed to a husband?

You make a strong argument:) Thank you for taking the time really. There are many things that sound right but I will die doing them.
However it seems some points I get through my message and some things I explained poorly:
1. I am the product of the 21st century. Besides I live in EU and everything here is about empowering women.
2. I came from a long line of powerful strong women who made a change in their environment. Socially or scientifically.
3. Both my parents, my grand parents from my mother side are business persons. My grandfather was working well in his retirement. I sometimes help him. He holf the management of the apartment buildings, he did accountancy for several businesses and believe me money was not something we were ever short (so he did not do it for money).
4. My husband was with me 3 years. He fall in love with me because of who I am. He said those are some of the traits he loves about me.
5. My mother in law is sick in the head. As I said is not that she does not want me, she wants her son to live with her and have no other connection that can sever hers. I swear she acts like an emotional abuser. Besides there is the older son who severed all connections with her and she does not know her grandsons. So you have to give to me here. There is something wrong. No son will sever the relationship with his mother (he sees his father from time to time) so drastically for money as they pretend. She also puts down her husband in front of all the people that walk through her door, she screams at him constantly, she loves to find a victim.
6. My problem with my mother in law was that she wanted to be the boss of me. When she realize this will never happen and that she will never manipulate me she turned against me.
7. My husband has immature traits not because of me. I am a democrat. I listen to him and besides I am always interested to get his input in any decision because he has this ability to see details that I miss so we decide between us. I won't go on doing something if he is positively against it. I am smart enough to know how to choose my battles. And besides when he was like we should not do that I ask him to explain why and if it makes sense...
8. The business people are very flexible - that what makes us good. We never put down people who come to us with ideas that are against our for the simple reason that their ideas might be better. So I am educated for compromise, for communication, for not believing I am always right.
9. I do have some limits and sometimes my husband loved to test them with some silly things. If I was very stressed out with something I will overlook and take the bait. He loved making me worked up - I do not get angry - Is counterproductive:)
10. I was never madly in love with him. I love him but not I am not crazy in love. So this might have been a mistake.
11. I respect your opinion but I will be a great mother. I know that. A fabulous one as my mother was, as my grandmother was. I will love my children to death and I will teach them the most wonderful things in the world.
12. My husband went along with his mother idea that he does not need children, long before he met me. He wanted children because of me. He was afraid of his mother. We planned for him to do a spermatogram in secret. It was something he did not want to do alone and he was waiting for me to get to Spain.

Anyhow he already let slip some things (what his mother said), some things fir with what his mother has done or said before. And through the phone I know I can't do a thing. We will see in few months when I go to Spain if he is just speaking, if it is her voice speaking through him or if he is just over me and does not love me anymore.
I am much better today and some is thanks to you guys. I am trying to accept what is happening to me. If he does not love me and wants out well I can't force him right? And I do not want to.
Thank you so much and have a nice Easter:) all of you!

1aokgal 19th April 2014 07:11 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Hi Edgy...

I think women advanced out of necessity with social changes in historical events as war, which took the men and forced women into masculine roles. These major changes effected the roles of women forever. I keep these words in my mind "One day your life will end. You only live on in the lives you have touched. Most things are transitory, only love survives."

As I am older, I see happiness depends most on family and security with decisions made years before. Love is a matter of choice, We choose to love the other more than ourselves, or not.
Happy Easter, All.

edgya1234 19th April 2014 07:19 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 78798)
Hi Edgy...

I think women advanced out of necessity with social changes in historical events as war, which took the men and forced women into masculine roles. These major changes effected the roles of women forever. I keep these words in my mind "One day your life will end. You only live on in the lives you have touched. The money is gone, the days of plenty are behind, only love survives."

As I am older, I see happiness depends most on family and security in sound decisions in our finances. Love is a matter of choice, we choose to love the other more than ourselves.

I know and you are right. But what can I do? If he does not want me I can't force him. The only thing I can do is see what the real issue is when I get to Spain. I abhor the idea of calling him and bothering him. In the end the only person I can really change is myself. It takes two to fix the marriage and it takes only one to break it up. It can be anything from his mother, to money to a new woman. I do not want to put things in my mind. I need to take care of myself. I've been loosing a lot of sleep and there were days I could not eat because of this. I can't afford getting sick I need to take care of myself because right now I am the only one that can do it, sadly:( Thank you so much. This forum has been a great support for me.

1aokgal 19th April 2014 11:42 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Dear Edgy...

I am very sorry to see you in such distress.

We are very different people, and see things from a different viewpoint. If I loved this man I would call him and tell him I am quite miserable. I would tell him I was wrong about many things and I had regret things are bad between us. Perhaps I would say it is hard to see life ahead without him.

When one makes such a call, we risk the other person being cool. It is better to take a risk before it is too late! Some humility is needed in how you approach your husband. That is how a woman who loves a man will put herself out there to save that marriage. If you were my daughter I would say, "Have a good cry first so you keep composed when you talk to him." Get rid of the accusations, so you don't launch into a discussion/blame session with him on the phone! Get over the blame game. You DO need to change YOU, so you have a good life with your husband. It is how you plan to be a good mother, as you want in your future. Be the one with humility to take things on you. Be a good wife first. Wish him a Happy Easter with his family, if it kills you to say it! Tell him you want to see him soon.

Think about the life you had together and go try to salvage your marriage. It isn't about sex in strange places. It is about reading a poem together or to walk together through a beautiful flower garden. That is passion! Sexuality begins in your mind. Passion is how you can't stand to breathe without him in your life. I feel that emotion for my husband through every day we share these years. That is the real passion one feels for the one we love. You must work together, perhaps with a counselor, to take any ugliness out of this marriage and replace it with kindness, respect and love that will last your lifetime. It is true youth is wasted on the young! What I would give to relive your time of life with my husband!

Yes, you have work to do together with a counselor to get through some of these misunderstandings. Never say things you will regret and remember, he chose you for the special person you are. Be special for him. Go sign up for Salsa classes with your man, that is passion! You can be RIGHT, or you can be loved and loving. Which do you choose?
It takes work to make a good marriage. It doesn't just happen.
It is worth all the effort you put forth. What do you owe him? Everything! God bless.

edgya1234 20th April 2014 03:18 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 78800)
Dear Edgy...

I am very sorry to see you in such distress.

We are very different people, and see things from a different viewpoint. If I loved this man I would call him and tell him I am quite miserable. I would tell him I was wrong about many things and I had regret things are bad between us. Perhaps I would say it is hard to see life ahead without him.

When one makes such a call, we risk the other person being cool. It is better to take a risk before it is too late! Some humility is needed in how you approach your husband. That is how a woman who loves a man will put herself out there to save that marriage. If you were my daughter I would say, "Have a good cry first so you keep composed when you talk to him." Get rid of the accusations, so you don't launch into a discussion/blame session with him on the phone! Get over the blame game. You DO need to change YOU, so you have a good life with your husband. It is how you plan to be a good mother, as you want in your future. Be the one with humility to take things on you. Be a good wife first. Wish him a Happy Easter with his family, if it kills you to say it! Tell him you want to see him soon.

Think about the life you had together and go try to salvage your marriage. It isn't about sex in strange places. It is about reading a poem together or to walk together through a beautiful flower garden. That is passion! Sexuality begins in your mind. Passion is how you can't stand to breathe without him in your life. I feel that emotion for my husband through every day we share these years. That is the real passion one feels for the one we love. You must work together, perhaps with a counselor, to take any ugliness out of this marriage and replace it with kindness, respect and love that will last your lifetime. It is true youth is wasted on the young! What I would give to relive your time of life with my husband!

Yes, you have work to do together with a counselor to get through some of these misunderstandings. Never say things you will regret and remember, he chose you for the special person you are. Be special for him. Go sign up for Salsa classes with your man, that is passion! You can be RIGHT, or you can be loved and loving. Which do you choose?
It takes work to make a good marriage. It doesn't just happen.
It is worth all the effort you put forth. What do you owe him? Everything! God bless.

Thank you so much. You have such a beautiful mind and soul.
I've tried the humble approach with my husband and it does not work. I need to give him space to get some peace and to put his mind together.
I spoke to a very good friend of mine tonight. He is the husband of my best friend and he knows my husband. His opinion is that my husband is having problems with money and that somebody is influencing him on top of that. He also said that the only way to solve our problems is face to face not by the phone.
Unfortunately I do not know what my mother in law did but she killed all the spirit of celebration inside her family. His mother is strange in this aspect she starts fights at any celebration - finds a victim and puts it down:) Is bad.
He also does not believe in God because his mother is so over the place trying all religions and also going to this sort of divination persons they have in Spain. It is strange:)
So if I call to say something about Easter he will got irritated and lash at me because he says is like any other day.
Also if I call my husband I risk alienating him because through all our relationship he never liked me calling him. He wants to be able to take the reins so this is one of the things I let him do it. However I can write him an email and let the ball fall in his court and take it from there.
I like reading what you write and even if we have different views I believe you have a lot of experience, you are saying things from the heart and you really want to help people so I can pick things and adapt them to me.
As I am an orthodox we believe that the light coming from Jerusalem will light our lives and help us in time of need. So, in the spirit of our tradition, I wish you an Easter full of light, peace and happiness.

1aokgal 20th April 2014 05:37 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
What I write for you comes from a lifetime, which was not easy. I do hope you reach out to your husband. Don't anticipate how he thinks as you may be very wrong. There is a lot of pride in you, and you don't want to be rejected, that is obvious. When you love someone, you always hold that wish deep down, that they will reach out to you. Perhaps his great wish is that your feminine, softer part will reach out to him. Men are just that way. You talk about money. I talk about love. Whether he has financial problems is not the chief issue, is it? The main issue is whether you can still make a life as a couple.

An email is a good idea to at least keep an open channel between you.
If you let down the walls to risk talking with him, you may gain the advantage, that he wants also to heal your rift. I hope you reach out soon. The more time that passes, the more hurt and anger gets in the way. Easter was always a special day with fancy baskets, dyed eggs, and a nice luncheon when our girl was little. My husband will still sit the night before to dye the eggs, crayon on names, and add sparkles. Some artwork he turns out, after years to practice, as she is now an adult. He is out of country until June, so we will miss his beautiful creations tomorrow. He did call me today and we email daily. There is no one like my husband for thoughtful and kind. Memories we make with our loved ones last until the end of time.

I hope you will accept some of my thoughts and alter them to you.
I don't know much about Orthodox, but I will Google some education as it is all at our fingertips. I hope things are better for you.
I appreciate your kind wishes and hope you reach out the one who loves you.

edgya1234 20th April 2014 10:03 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 78802)
What I write for you comes from a lifetime, which was not easy. I do hope you reach out to your husband. Don't anticipate how he thinks as you may be very wrong. There is a lot of pride in you, and you don't want to be rejected, that is obvious. When you love someone, you always hold that wish deep down, that they will reach out to you. Perhaps his great wish is that your feminine, softer part will reach out to him. Men are just that way. You talk about money. I talk about love. Whether he has financial problems is not the chief issue, is it? The main issue is whether you can still make a life as a couple.

An email is a good idea to at least keep an open channel between you.
If you let down the walls to risk talking with him, you may gain the advantage, that he wants also to heal your rift. I hope you reach out soon. The more time that passes, the more hurt and anger gets in the way. Easter was always a special day with fancy baskets, dyed eggs, and a nice luncheon when our girl was little. My husband will still sit the night before to dye the eggs, crayon on names, and add sparkles. Some artwork he turns out, after years to practice, as she is now an adult. He is out of country until June, so we will miss his beautiful creations tomorrow. He did call me today and we email daily. There is no one like my husband for thoughtful and kind. Memories we make with our loved ones last until the end of time.

I hope you will accept some of my thoughts and alter them to you.
I don't know much about Orthodox, but I will Google some education as it is all at our fingertips. I hope things are better for you.
I appreciate your kind wishes and hope you reach out the one who loves you.

Letter to my husband

Somebody once asked me what do I see when I am alone in the night and the darkness comes along? I didn’t know the answer than, but I squeezed my eyes in fear of my old ghosts.
What would I answer to that somebody now, if that somebody would ask me the same question? Nothing. I think I would just smile because you chased away all my ghosts.
You made me laugh when all I wanted was to cry but I couldn’t ; you gave me hope where I saw none and most importantly you gave me your heart, unguarded , honestly and with no fear. You thought me what friendship was, you remind me what trust was and you thought me to love again when I thought I have no feelings left. You left your life for me, you left your safety for me but alas.. my soul was so deeply hurt that I did not value all your gifts until it was too late, until I’ve lost them.
Now, at the end of our journey together, when I look back I see all the joy, the amazement and the extraordinary journey we went through and I am grateful to you for everything. Even in this moment when I know that sometimes love ends and we know not why, when or where it happened.
The months flow by, the years flow by and as we reached for the stars we’ve lost each other in the darkness. I wish I could find the path to your heart again, but I do not know how…. I wish God will give us a second chance but if he doesn’t I know that we will always have the memory of everything we shared, the memory of the kisses spread all over Barcelona.
So I thought I would write to you one more time, as in my mind I’ve wrote you a dozen letters, even though in reality this never happened. Because, if this letter was never written , those words, I had for you in my mind, would have been lost in obscurity and I wish them to remain, to stay with me, as to remained me of what I’ve gained and how much I’ve lost in the process.
Anyhow if this was a real letter I would ask God to change my stars. And if God himself would have asked me what will I choose if I have only one wish in the world , if I could chose anything from all the richness in the world to immortality I would still chose love, I would still chose you. And if in his amazement, God would ask me one more time if I am sure I would still chose you, I would say yes the second, the third time and until the end of times.
Even if we will never be together we will never be apart because I will cherish the memory of our love until the end of my days and beyond. And if the universe somehow would decide that I should chose another, you will remain forever in my mind as the knight of my heart.
And now I would lay rest, the grace in my tongue and speak plainly, because times like this, when we acknowledge and humbly admit our feelings, are rare. Therefore I will end my letter with hope because all love letters should end with hope. Hope that one day, in this life or another, we will be able to find each other once again and when we do, my memories of you will emerge from the fog and I will recognize you, for whom or what you are: the other half of my soul.
Now I bid you fare the well my love, my husband, my soul. And I have one more request although all our life together was full of those; I want you to have a beautiful life and to find love again, one day….

1aokgal 21st April 2014 12:15 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Dear Young Lady,

You said it all, what must be said with complete honesty and no reserve. There is a clarity in your writing that he must love. That will be what is needed now.

It is in that voice of the heart you express so freely here, that you must reach out. One can read the urgency of your sincerity to express yourself, without pride or reservation! You have given it all freely, with no conditions. You tell him of your deep regret for moments you both have thrown away and ruined in your anger and upsets. What hurt you have given each other is sad! Remember, that only those we deeply love have the power to wound us to the heart, hurt us so deeply we think we cannot recover. Forgiveness has to be a regular virtue of a marriage, for both. Holding grudges builds a builds a wall! I think you built a very high wall.

If any part of him doubts, because of these misunderstandings that got you both here, the sincerity of your actions may salvage your marriage. I applaud your actions. Your deep love for each other has to be more than vapor and words! It takes deep character of purpose to have uncompromising loyalty to your marriage! Now is the time you must be steadfast in your intent to remain together. Your life together has to be stronger than a surface façade fueled by sex and the best of times.

What about when the times are the worst? When illness and adversity threatens to take us down? What about a serious illness that challenges to bend the spirit? You are young, and these things happen as we go along in life. You cannot endure these terrible times without having a spine of steel to hold fast to each other. You are together three years! Choose courage and determination to honor your husband and be willing to defer to him, and keep your marital vows. You disregard whatever gets in the way of that purpose. You remain together. You put your life and purpose to each other, not your separate goals. You don't question your destiny. You make the best of the life you are given and remain beside the person who chose you, above others. I cannot contain the love and joy I have for the man I love. I never regret my resolve to see it through, even when times tried the soul.

I believe you will never regret that you choose your husband again, at this moment, to work through all misunderstanding. You choose your life together, and then, any secondary goals. It is about love and commitment. You choose to have courage to live it, or you do not.

PS..In your letter..you NEVER consider to choose another..no matter what... "until death you do part"...were the words you said. There is no other option. That is what you tell him. "You..or nobody!" (There are no two doors to choose...like the quiz shows.)

upset 2nd May 2014 01:41 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Go away together. Somewhere neither of you have been for a week or two. Then you do not touch each other. Go out on dates but do not kiss or touch. Just talk and be like young sweethearts just starting out. Then you may find you want to touch and kiss again.

Let him be the man in bed. That is something his mother would never be able to give him and something that will make him the man he should be if the women in his life let him.


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