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Joanna 13th June 2005 10:25 PM

Husband doesn't want sex
 
I've read a few threads where the wife is not interested in sex - my problem is the opposite. My husband is completely uninterested in sex - a situation which has gone on for six years now, since the birth of our son. In that time, we have made love about 5 times!
I feel very depressed about this, especially as I would like another baby.
Whenever I try to talk to him about this, he goes into his "cave" ie he goes all silent and moody, and barely says a word to me for days on end.
I try to be hopeful, but then end up disappointed when nothing happens, again, and end up feeling very hurt, rejected and depressed.
Are there any other women out there who have experienced this?

Kate 14th June 2005 09:04 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Joanna,


I wonder if your husband is actually as miserable as you about the situation, and sees himself as a failure but doesn't know what to do about it. He may need reassurance of your love for him and affirmation.

Since you have posted here, I wonder whether you are a Christian. If so, there are some books that might help you - The Act of Marriage and Intended for Pleasure.

Best wishes

Kate

Altered Heart 16th June 2005 01:25 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Joanna,
I wanted to write to you earlier this week but my schedule didn't allow, and I am sorry for that because I know first hand how anxious we can become when we reach out for help and feel the answers are perhaps around the corner.
The fact is, that a sexless marriage is a complex thing. Your situation could be very simple and as easy to solve as talking it out with one another as 'Kate' suggested. However, on the other hand your situation could be one that I have found myself struggling with for 27 yrs. My husband can't 'explain' .. he loves me .. yet he has no sexual drive. "Its not about me' .... hmmmm Can he even begin to fathom how much hearing those words hurt?
You left alot of initial information out as to our your relationship was prior to the birth of your child.Was your sexual life and the intimacy good? Or has it always been poor and just declined further?
I wanted you to know that you are not alone ... Its just that many people male & female don't talk about it ~ Thank You for having the courage to reach out.

Joanna 17th June 2005 09:29 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Altered Heart

Thank-you so much for your reply and understanding - that means more than I can explain! I feel for you, too - I cannot imagine another year like this, let alone 22!

You asked about our relationship before our boy was born - -well, it wasn't brilliant, but at leas we managed to have a baby! The birth was very traumatic, and this affected both of us for some time. My husband has also been running his own business, and for a time the stress of this caused him some depression. All this contributed.

However, I now feel it is time to let go of these hurts and move on - to heal. But he is still stuck, and also doesn't want to talk - he resorts to completely stonewalling me if I try to bring it up.

In most other respects our marriage is good, I have never been unfaithful, and I do not suspect him of this. Our roles within the marriage are well defined.

At the moment I feel between a rock and a hard place. I want to tell him how depressed I am feeling - I feel it is getting a little out of hand and I may need some counselling. I plunged quite low after the weekend. It was our wedding anniversary and I had hoped for some intimacy. He, however, seems fairly oblivious to this, and just watched telly! Since then, he seems more affectionate, and I feel that if I say anything now, he will just get back in his stonewall cave, and this will make me even more depressed!

What do you think I should do?

Sorry to unload all this, but thanks for listening (reading)!
Joanna

janele234 27th June 2005 10:50 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
My husband and I are going through the same thing. He says he loves me but just has no interest in sex. We are in marriage counseling right now. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. It is so depressing.

ChristianWife 2nd December 2005 04:38 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Since your husband is more affectionate when you don't talk about the "problem" (sex), maybe you should try not talking about it for awhile. Although it is not normal for him not to want sex, it could be that he feels that you are critical of him when you bring it up and that may make him withdraw even more. Be sweet, be affectionate, show admiration in all other areas and his sexual drive may just come back on his own. And if it doesn't, don't wait for him to initiate, try initiating yourself. I am also wondering if there are any other issues, i.e. weight gain from your pregnancy. If yes, he may not want to hurt you by telling you that he doesn't find you as attractive as before. In that case, try to exercise and lose some weight.

Joanna 3rd December 2005 10:58 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear ChristianWife

Thank-you for your comments, to which I would like to reply. First, though, I would like to re-cap on some of the words featured in standard marriage vows:-

Quote:

to love, cherish, to have and to hold, for better or worse, till death do us part




Please note the absence of phrases such as "as long as I feel like it" or "as long as you still fit into a size 10". Also refer to 1 Corinthians 7 v1-5.


OK then - I agree that its better to be sweet and affetionate rather than constantly demanding. But when months slip into years, this gets increasingly difficult. Its about give and take, but when one partner is not giving, then reservoirs begin to run dry. And yes, I do pray to God to fill them back up again, and He does, but I am only human. And yes again, I do try and initiate sex and intimacy, but again the walls come up, and a stony silence ensues.

It would perhaps appear that it would be better and easier to not say or do anything in the hope that "his sexual drive may just come back on his own". But I do not see any hope of this happening. And if I look back in 10 years time, and see that the only reason that we have not had another baby is that we have not resolved this situation, then I am going to feel very bitter and resentful, and this will threaten the health and even existance of our marriage.

I think that the level of hurt and rejection experienced by a woman in a situation like this is difficult to understand by someone who has not been there. I feel very hurt and damaged, and even if my husband were to say to me tonight, with a twinkle in his eye, "lets have an early night, sweetheart", I would still have alot of healing to do. I feel that he has taken the gift of my sexuality, which I gave to him alone on our wedding night, and has looked at it, considered it rubbish and tossed it aside. This may or may not be the case, but's how I feel. And I would like him to realise and acknowledge that his actions (or lack of them) have had an impact on me and have hurt me, regardless of whether that was his intention.

I have a great deal more to say to say on this, but I think thats enough for now. Once you start, its difficult to stop! I appreciate any comments, but please dont assume this is a superficial or easy to resolve problem.

J

gsquash 8th December 2005 06:28 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Do you know very much about your husband's past i.e before you were married, childhood etc?? I think that experiences that we have been through before marriage can massively effect how we are in marriage. Also think about your past experiences aswell. My husband and I are currently going through some really deep stuff that goes right back and the strange thing is that I had made some inner vows in my teens towards men - It's quite hard to explain but the inner vows that I had made were preventing my marriage from being whole. if you've heard of John and Carol Arnott then look at some of their teaching on this stuff it's fantastic. Are you and your husband part of a church??

Keep praying, God's heart is for your marriage to be whole - it may take some work and time - pray that God will begin to soften your husbands heart so you can open up lines of communication.

LOVE
gemma

Joanna 9th December 2005 10:30 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Gemma

Thank-you for your encouragement. Yes, we are part of a great church, and I am part of a really supportive ladies group, where I have been able to share discreetly with wise and understanding ladies. Because of my H's lack of communication on this subject, I don't know, but I doubt, whether he has shared with anyone - but I am praying that he will.

I have considered the inner vow issue, especially as my husband once said something to make me think along these lines, and yopur post was a confirmation of this. I will certainly look up John and Carol Arnott. I would ideally love for us both to attend counselling, but I think that he is a long way from agreeing to this.

Thank-you again,

Joanna

1aokgal 26th April 2007 07:09 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Joanna.......

I appreciate your posting concerning feelings you have about your marriage and the abstinence of any sexual relationship with your husband.
I share this problem as well for many years pattern..13 years..with the man I married... 26 years ago..and dearly love today.
There is such grief to lose the part of life that should be a woman's right to know love and physical intimacy within marriage. There are no other women or explanations from him. He won't discuss the matter. Basically, to him there is no problem.

While I am told daily that I am loved by a man who does things for my comfort. I can feel little emotional connection sometimes and wish I could talk with him enough to uncover the problems. No, he was never abused or such. He just puts too much into his work life and not enough to our life at times. I remember an annniversary day cruise ten years ago. All couples aboard had anniversary and were excited to share a happy day. Photos were taken and you can see in my face the knowledge that for me it was an empty show.

My happiness is through my paintings, children, music and a close friend who knows the truth. I can at least speak of this and have some emotional support.

This assexualism is often seen as if the woman has somehow failed. She is judged not exciting enough or sexual enough or attractive. I remember my mother said she never had "that problem" in her marriage. I felt punished again to be so judged.

This problem is far more common than is thought. The advice columns continue to exploit women as one who is frigid or not interested in the sexual part of marriage. I say there are many men who act pretty normal and have low libido and no interest. I know this too well. I have been very fortunate to keep in my heart a man I repect who is decent and works hard for my welfare. It is a great shame he does not wake up to the loss of the years without intimacy.

Do not let the years slip by without trying every tool for change from counselling to medical evaluation. We tried some of this but I think he is happy with things as they stand. We survive alright as long as I do not discuss the problem. It helps a little to post here and hear others and how they cope. I try to produce beautiful paintings and feel happy when I do them.

mermaid 29th September 2007 04:47 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Altered Heart, thank you for sharing that you've had the same sex-less problem for 27 years; I have too, for over 26 years and I can't go on another year! I am an enforced celibate and it's dreadfully wrong on the part of our husbands to score the verses out that commands them to be our lovers and to love us wholeheartedly; they have no excuse! I also feel ugly and rejected and used to climb the walls with frustration, now I don't like my husband, and I don't think he is a husband to me at all. I feel cheated and I feel that I only have a bit of a legal document, but not an actual marriage. These things should NOT be. We don't have to take it.
:(

mermaid 29th September 2007 04:56 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Hi Joanna, good for you! I agree with you that what right does our husbands have to switch off and disregard their vows! I feel I've been cheated on with nobody; I've been denied love and sex for two and a half decades now and lately I've decided to get out of the marriage when I can, before it's too late for me to ever experience love with a man who deserves my love; there is NO EXCUSE whatsoever; they can go and hide in their cave, there are plenty more men out there. I'm not advocating adultery at all; I am like you and was a virgin on my wedding night and my husband decided we'd sleep in separate rooms and had all kinds of high-falluting spiritual ideas of why we should do this, but it's balderdash.
I also felt my husband took my precious treasure, my gift of my love and sexuality to him, and decided it's not worth a thing, it's dirty and shameful for me to have any actual desires of my own, after all am I not there to serve him and not show any feelings of my own? I want a real man who is capable of love and surely God understands this? He made us as sexual beings, he made us capable of intense pleasure and not having that is like starving as it's one of two basic human desires, that of eating and that of having sex.
We have to get real, these, 'men' don't deserve our love; what did they get married for? There are two things that hold a marriage together, love and lust, without both, it fails.
God alone cannot hold a marriage together, it takes the two people. That's why so many Christians are getting divorced, they are leaving too much up to God and banking on the fact that we don't want to get divorced like the people do who don't believe in God, we are being taken for granted, utterly.
I'll write more later.

mermaid 29th September 2007 05:06 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear 1aokgal, oh I just feel we have been conned into thinking it's ok and to get fulfilment out of something else, like our paintings (I'm an artist too); for years I felt ashamed that I had sexual feelings and wanted my husband who didn't want me in the slightest. I tried to say it doen't matter as I felt it was the noble thing to do, now I realise how stupid I was; it's just not right and we should not put up with it; lots of men are good providers and hard workers, but they are worth nothing for their cruelty of forcing celibacy on a woman. They should have let us know they were literally going to, 'pull out' on the marriage contract as that is actually what they have done, cheated us.
Marriage to me is the act of love-making; Isaac brought Rebecca into his mother's tent and he became his wife, it was the physical and spiritual union which made them man and wife in God's eyes; all I am left with is a legal document saying I went through a marriage ceremony, but I don't feel I've ever really been married. I never see my, 'husband', he is always outside doing his own things in his workshops and ignores and neglects me, it's not on. I don't think they deserve our protection, they have been heels and they know it.
If it was the other way around, they'd feel free to stray, wouldn't they? They would not let their needs be denied for very long.
I feel we are too easy to say God will provide our every need, but that is one thing God cannot do for us and provided us with a husband to do that and if he doesn't, then he has no right to call himself a husband. Showing love through little jobs or providing is not being a husband; only a husband can do to us what no other man should ever do, we can get workmen in to fix things, we can get gardeners to come and do our lawns, etc, but it's the husband's prime duty, to make love to us. Nothing else is more important as it's his unique work towards us.

cheleanne 19th October 2007 02:38 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Hi Joanna,

You are not alone... my husband is the same as yours and yes, it is a very frustrating and depressing thing. I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have maybe had sex - MAYBE 20 times. The reason I say 'sex' and not making love is because it's a roll on, roll off, go to sleep thing. Ever heard the saying 'Wham! Bam! Thank-you M'am!'? My husband invented that saying as far as I'm concerned.

I have tried to talk to him about it also - but I get no response. I have begged him to see a doctor to rule out any medical issues, but he won't go. He is just not interested. I feel very lonely, unloved, unwanted, and unattractive, even though I've been told by other men that I am beautiful, and sexy.

I have also said to my husband that 'people who don't get their needs fulfilled at home, do look elsewhere!'..... no response. It's almost like he WANTS me to go elsewhere for attention, but when a friend of ours started PAYING attention to me in a flirty way, he got mad. So I guess I'm really confused - as you are....

I don't understand why this has to happen. Premarital sex is taboo - so, if it's wrong to have sex BEFORE you get married, isn't it natural to EXPECT SEX on a regular basis AFTER you get married??? I would think so , but my husband has other ideas. If you ever figure it out, please, please, let me know.......

Good luck to you - and all of us living in this type of relationship......

Raymond 23rd October 2007 08:43 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Just a long shot. I may be completely off the wall and hope I will not offend anyone, but sometimes it's not that they have lost their sexual drive rather that it is being diverted into masturbation, fantasy or even porn. These are solo things usually done in secret but can have a big affect on intimacy as it is really a mental adultery. Jost a long shot just in case.

Raymond

1aokgal 23rd October 2007 10:15 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Raymond....

I could say almost with a certainty you are right on with this conclusion about these sexless marriages. These men are getting their needs met...alone. When and where the MB becomes everything who can say. It is simple, convenient and without emotional committment.

I never met a man in my life except the one I married with this compulsion.

Raymond 24th October 2007 09:04 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
It took a lot of courage for you to say that OKGal. I know it wasn't easy for you. I wouldn't say it is the reason for every sexless marriage, but I suspect it is in the background of a lot of cases.

If that is the case he will be feeding it with a lot of fantasy in his head (assuming he doesn't use pornography) energised by seducing spirits. It is not a purely physical thing. Sex is always spiritual and always affects our spirits for good or evil. Why else would God make such strict laws about it. He had this habit long before he met you and seems to prefer it than being free.

I know that he is a nice and considerate man in other respects, but that doesn't solve the basic problem. The only hope I see is for him to get right with God about it (This is the christian part of the site) and then avail himself of the help which can only be found in Christ.

Raymond

1aokgal 25th October 2007 07:54 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
He is in denial. He believes in nothing more than himself. read latest posting..we had a situation. Yes, I know he had an earlier relationship that ended over a confrontation about sex. He swears his love for me. Yes, I think he cares but he has no concept anymore of a healthy marriage.

I post too often. I must take a vacation from posting and go to the gym. Hope you are well.
You are a nice man and add a lot of common sense here.

Raymond 25th October 2007 08:15 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Have a break OKGal. I did for quite a few weeks if you noticed. Some things you have to get away from and let settle before you see clearly again.

Raymond

Don62 10th November 2007 06:08 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 31387)
Raymond....

I could say almost with a certainty you are right on with this conclusion about these sexless marriages. These men are getting their needs met...alone. When and where the MB becomes everything who can say. It is simple, convenient and without emotional committment.

I never met a man in my life except the one I married with this compulsion.

I wouldn't necessarily blame the sin of a spouse refusing sex on masturbation or he or she "having their needs met alone."

It may be a mental or spiritual problem.

My wife of 11 years has been refusing me regularly the last 5 or so, with only "occaisional" lovemaking. Boy does that hurt.

I'm certainly not "getting my needs met" anywhere else, though of course temptations arise.

I have found this site to be of assistance in this area:

http://www.themarriagebed.com/boards/index.php

Register and then you can visit the Sexual Refusal section. That subforum isn't open to non registered viewers.

Best wishes to all of you experiencing this problem or abnormality or perversion.

Don62 12th November 2007 03:40 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 31383)
Just a long shot. I may be completely off the wall and hope I will not offend anyone, but sometimes it's not that they have lost their sexual drive rather that it is being diverted into masturbation, fantasy or even porn. These are solo things usually done in secret but can have a big affect on intimacy as it is really a mental adultery. Jost a long shot just in case.

Raymond

Raymond, respectfully, I highly doubt this is the case in most refusals.

There of course are some cases like that, as the husband spending inordinate hours late at night on the computer looking at naked women.

Of course I MB regularly, maybe more than I would like. What other option or outlet do I have?

I sleep next to my wife but aren't allowed to caress her or go any further, except for maye a couple times a year.

--

Read the TMB forum or even the Sexless Marriage forum. http://p079.ezboard.com/fsexlessmarriagefrm2

It seems some spouses don't take their marriage vows seriously, and have physically abandoned their mates.

Any time their mates (male or increasingly female) "beg" or try to "persuade" their spouses to participate in lovemaking, they're rejected.

It's like their spouses have closed off that part of their liife and now sex isn't anything important to them anymore.

They of course came to this decision on their own, never bothering to consult with their "partner" about the new relationship of being "mere roomates."

This isn't supposed to happen in marriage, and was something I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be experiencing 11 years later.

Interesting how those not afflicted with the sickness can easily jump to conclusions.

Raymond 12th November 2007 07:34 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Don, you will note that I said sometimes this is the case and only when the man is refusing sex. Simply one avenue for a woman to check.

As you are the man and your wife is refusing you I very much doubt that that is her problem.

Your wife is not honouring her vows but could have problems from the past perhaps. You need to work through these things together apart from the sex. There are many cases of husbands who kept loving their wives to the point of sexually awakening their wives. I'm sure she feels deep down that she is failing you, but you do need expert christian counseling if she is willing and of course keep praying.

Raymond

1aokgal 14th November 2007 04:35 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Raymond...
I believe you hit the nail on the head. Know or not know will change nothing. He operates on the fuel of two under the roof who co-exist well and chooses to tell me often in th early AM as he leaves the house..how much he loves me. It is in my half awake state so that is like a dream. The rest is just a nightmare and the calendar pages keep falling.
It is too late and too late to mend the damage done. It does not seem to matter as the days pass and I can't remember passion or the time there was love. It is dim memory.

Raymond 14th November 2007 10:06 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
You have been through a lot of suffering OKGal and yet there are a lot of bright patches in your life as well. In the end when all is said and done it's who we are that counts not necessarily what we do. You have to be the best person you can be in the circumstances and not go under with it, as some seem to be doing. I like the scripture that says All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I'm sure that includes your circumstances. You can only start from where you are. There are many other like you whom I see that you are a great comfort to on these threads. You all have created a kind of fellowship together. We can only change the things we can change and ask God for strength to live with the things we cannot change, although even these things are not impossible to Him.

God bless
Raymond

1aokgal 15th November 2007 08:47 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Raymond...

Thank you again for your sweet and caring nature on the threads. Just awhile ago my husband got a phone call from Germany. His father has taken a turn for the worse. He may have only a few days to live. His cancer was found a few weeks ago and chemo used but too late, it seems. I really knew this when I heard it.

Sad, my husband being the elder son.... with a job he can't leave without a replacement and thousands of miles too far between there and US. I told thim there is no shame that he can't be there with his dad. He will try to call him again in the morning. The rest of his family is there as brother and sister who live there.

I could only tell him that that there is a time for all seasons as the bible says." a time to live and a time to die." That if he can truly beleive our loved ones never leave us and always are there close by in Spirit. That the reward is there for his father for the good life he lived. It reminded me when you speak about my situation here what a good man I married and of strong character and ethical and decent.

He has been a blessing for me in many ways. Sometimes the problem in the marriage has crushed my spirit yet I don't want to reject the love he does give me. I respect him for caring for me in other ways. I know there are many men who hide the money they earn or spend it at the bar. My husband has always been giving and generous as well as he is always willing to help in the home from cooking to windows.

When I was in the hospital and really ill he came before 5AM, before work to sit with me in the dark of the room to reassure me and let me know he loved me. He sat late into the evening with me before he left to go home. He carried in things that would please me and told me childrens' bedtime stories as , "Jack and the Beanstalk" with impressive character voices. Sometimes I try to tell others here to look for the love and not let anger bar the door to a what relationship we have with the person we vowed to love.

Thanks for reminding me the walk of faith is not easy but there are many rewards.

1aokgal 15th November 2007 09:26 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Don62...

Welcome to the forum. Your posting is interesting to hear the male viewpoint.

Sorry for your unhappiness. Most of us who have a spouse who has chosen to live within themselves develop coping skills. We are happy in the other areas of our lives. The options available are to leave, find another to create a semi-world or live with the rejection. There are good days and bad days.

A bad day can start when you open your eyes and nothing has changed and you feel as though your purpose in life has been stolen. It is hard to live as a vegetable. I am still a woman who loves pretty clothes, shoes and perfume and checks the mirror. Men compliment me for the efforts I make to be attractive.

He compliments me as well but does not value me as a woman. If he did he would not risk losing me. He just knows I will be here. It takes a lot of effort to keep from becoming bitter. I did a lot of reading as it seems you have done. There is no one answer except a partner has become selfish.

Raymond 15th November 2007 09:38 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Your husband seems a man of very good character OKGal but an enigma as well. Not the type to withold physical love from his wife. I wonder if he was brought up a very good Catholic and somehow got the idea that sex was dirty or selfish. I spent quite a few years in convents and it is easy to get that idea in that enviorment. A model pupil would have more difficulty I would think.

You are wise in seeing the glass half full instead of half empty and counting you blessings. That is a great strength. Who knows whether your love for your husband will heal him in that area in the end? I assume at the beginning that it wasn't the case? In cases where there was never any sex the marriage is said not to be consumated and legal seperation was possible without a divorce, but lets not go backwards as he very much loves you and you him.

If he is a very moral man you could appeal to him through the scriptures which are very clear on not defrauding each other of sex if you are married. I know you have given up but I never do I am afraid.

Keep smiling. enjoy what you do have.

Raymond

1aokgal 16th November 2007 04:10 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Raymond...

Thank you for your input. Yes, my husband is an enigma. I don't doubt his devotion to me but I wonder sometimes if he lives on the planet? I cannot fathom that he thinks he is a good husband. Through these years we had fiery discussions, arguments, and went the gamut of all things that should work to revitalize the dead part of the marriage. Or at least, I tried. It is no longer important to me to guess his dysfunction or rationale. That is his problem. Mine, is to survive.
I am not the quiet reserved type. I bought a boat when he was months overseas at his sea job there and pilot it quite well. I took Flamenco dancing a few year back and loved the clothing and dancing. There is the dramatic sensuality of the dance. I felt really alive and happy. My passion now is to make and wear Victorian clothing to special events. I will be dressed in a magnificent ballgown on Saturday for a formal Victorian dinner event . He will wear a frockcoat and top hat as he chose to join me in this fantasy land. Now I wish I was going alone. Somehow I don't want to sparkle for him anymore. So boring, I am NOT.

Then, there are times I cannot hold it together when I think that half the marriage has been in celibacy not of my choosing. His is the unilateral decision to have no sex in the marriage. I feel as a Pariah in society and a deceiver who is married...but is not married. Too many years alone inside my skin makes one feel like a freak of nature. There is a perceived deformity in me which is enormous ..even though it cannot be seen from the outside. It has scarred me on the inside. It is hard for me to be in gatherings of people.
In December, this will be the 14th year of this hell. I think he even mentioned to me in a discussion how ten years ago I jogged regular, really toned and was so svelte that men were following me around. Yes, that was true. If he was so bothered by that why didn't he alter the scenario?
I still love beautiful clothes, heels and my perfumes. I am still woman..I think.

I told him the other day that my best friend and her husband go on "date night" Wednesday as dinner, dancing and sex after as part of their 30 year marriage. My friend is horrified at the information I shared with her awhile after we met. I reinforced the sexual part of that story of their night to him. Says he.."Well we should do that. " I did not reply as was on the tip of my tongue," I would believe that when the sky starts to fall." I have heard all the mouth service before..for years. "I am leaving for work overseas for 6 months, when I get back I will go see a doctor, get counselling, have sex...yada, yada, yada.
The truth is the damage to my self esteem is so severe I think I would curl up in a corner at the first movement toward me. We kiss on the cheek, on the mouth like a buddy when you leave ..the peck on the mouth. I think I am biding time to die sometime. Now that I do have a serious health problem the inner loneliness is worse. I hate to realize that the marriage will never change and I am beyond approach now as I might recoil.

I have thought to begin Samba lessons or dance classes again. He often works overnights and next year will be gone for perhaps 6 months. What do you think? Maybe I should just get out again, wear my pretty clothes and let him to his own devices.

Don62 16th November 2007 03:44 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
1aokgal, thanks for your support and kind words.
I was lashing out (more of venting) but not against the good people here on this board.
I'm as frustrated as you, unfortunately.

It's like she all the sudden, perhaps 5 years ago, decided sexual intimacy wasn't important to her anymore. So we have it maybe 2-3 times a year, much less than I would desire. I would prefer it 2-3 times a week, but would be happy with just weekly.

Other things in our relationship appear to be okay, though.

So it seems both sexes are gulity of this horrible sin.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 31846)
Dear Don62...

Welcome to the forum. Your posting is interesting to hear the male viewpoint.

Sorry for your unhappiness. Most of us who have a spouse who has chosen to live within themselves develop coping skills. We are happy in the other areas of our lives. The options available are to leave, find another to create a semi-world or live with the rejection. There are good days and bad days.

A bad day can start when you open your eyes and nothing has changed and you feel as though your purpose in life has been stolen. It is hard to live as a vegetable. I am still a woman who loves pretty clothes, shoes and perfume and checks the mirror. Men compliment me for the efforts I make to be attractive.

He compliments me as well but does not value me as a woman. If he did he would not risk losing me. He just knows I will be here. It takes a lot of effort to keep from becoming bitter. I did a lot of reading as it seems you have done. There is no one answer except a partner has become selfish.


Raymond 16th November 2007 07:44 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
You sound all real woman to me OKGal. It does affect your self esteem because of human weakness but it is not the truth and you need to see it that way.

I will leave you two to talk things through.

Raymond

1aokgal 16th November 2007 08:01 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Don62...

I would say for you to confront head on about the problem. The more time that goes, the less chance to change the pattern. Say you are willing to see a counselor together.

Years ago I made the appointment for a psychiatrist for both of us to go and we did that. Then he saw my H. alone for many sessions . I understand my H. talked about his work and never about the sexual demise in the marriage. I finally had enough when it seemed they bonded like good old boys and I was on the outside. I just told this counselor he was a dud. I should have selected a woman and maybe she would have confronted him. I chose the man as I thought my H. would be more comfortable. It struck me that only I had the emotional distress and my H. was fine with everything.

It is too late here. I no longer find him attractive in the sexual sense. That horse has been beaten to death. I just do the best I can in all other areas of living. People like us despair in silence for the most part.

Alice Alice 26th December 2007 10:22 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
i agree with Raymond its exactly whats happening to these ladies...and me too

veg92 11th February 2008 08:50 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Hi everyone,

It's late but I wanted to say I can relate to your stories. I'm so disgusted with my marriage and our lack of physical intimacy. My husband does have low to no testosterone due to an injury he sustained in his senior year in high school. His parents neglected to get him medical attention (he had his own part in this too as he was too ashamed to go to a doctor) and thus his testacles atrophied over a period of 2 years when a simple medical procedure could have prevented this tragic loss! He has been on Androderm patches for years but they don't seem to deliver enough Vitamin T, as I call it, to his system. We've been maried for almost 16 years and have probably had sex less than 75 times. That might be a generous estimate. I have struggled with masturbation over the years, sometimes more than others, but I never commit mental adultery...my mind is always on my husband or on nothing in particular. We did not have sex before marriage but he seemed attracted to me. On our honeymoon, I was very wounded on our second or third night when he said we didn't have to have sex every night. I felt like a sex maniac. This was the beginning of many years of pain for me. I have felt more like the typical 'man' while he seems more like the typical frigid woman. I have allowed this to go one for too long and hope to again talk with my hubby about this soon and get some resolution. I have much more to say but need to get to bed. I hope some of the ladies who started posting here have found some positive solutions.

Raymond 11th February 2008 02:27 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Your case is very different Veg if he has a physical injury, but if you say you've had sex approx 70 times, then something obviously happened in spite of the injury. You probably know a lot more about this that I do, but I thought the testacles were to do with conveying sperm rather than producing enjoyment. I don't know, is that true? I thought it started in the brain. That's why I don't watch porn as it would be mental adultery. The thing is men can get switched on to sex mentally before they do it physically. Do the testacles stop this? If he can get switched on mentally then there is hope as this can be cultured to serve both of you in your marriage.

Raymond

1aokgal 13th February 2008 09:08 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
My first husband was about 23 when he had testicular cancer and had one testicle removed. He had radiation treatments as well then.
Though he was left sterile , believe me, when I say he never had a problem with thinking about (erection) or performing sexually. We divorced years later over other problems. So There could be a problem in your situation with testosterone. There is a test for that.

My present husband has NO interest in sex for years and years. No, he has never had a T test and evidently dosen't care to go that route. He has all equipment he was born with. Who knows? Then there is the fact that sex actually starts between the ears. One has the desire and even men who are handicapped find ways to have sex with their wives.
I have to add that he is a very good person and whatever is wrong it is not that he is a player or does not care for me. He seems very devoted to me except in the area where it most counts as the love between a man and woman.

Susan Strict 2nd April 2008 04:46 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
1aokgal,

My husband had the same problem some years ago and the problem has now gone completely. He's as active as I could possibly wish.

I don't know what you have tried and not tried, and I don't want to offend anyone here by going into too many details, but a few thoughts for you:

1. Remember that "sex" between partners in a true relationship is lovemaking. It's an expression of your love and your desire to please each other physically as much as to please yourself. To have him please you, may be as important to him as his own pleasure. I can't put that any more clearly without being graphic about it.

2. You're never too old to flirt (with him, NOT anyone else!), and a relationship is never too old for something a little unusual, different or out of the ordinary. Can you talk to him about intimate matters? Many of us find it very difficult. Somewhere inside him is probably something that will excite the urge - and as long as it's not too bizarre for you to want to share with him then all you have to do is uncover it and do it. A bit of "reverse psychology" works wonders if you're trying to find out what's in his head - something like "I can't imagine people really wanting to do that" (he'll inevitably agree with you that he can't imagine anyone "wanting to do it" - but watch his expression/body-language closely, and IF it's right and IF you're happy with it too, then "I wonder what it feels like..." is a really useful phrase.) There's very little, in my opinion, that is "wrong" for a husband and wife to do together (if they both want to) in private, and the excitement of something new and different may be all that's needed.

3. Don't be afraid to take the lead. I don't mean leap on top of him unexpectedly (not unless you really want to!!), but if you always wait for him to make the first move then you might never get anywhere.

Good luck.

Alice Alice 2nd April 2008 07:57 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Dear Susan Strict
this sounds very good, wow you brought your husband back from the world he was living in, this is hopeful.

i need to get a book ...the language of love and use the right techniques on my husband i have tried the "rub his arm look into his eyes and tiptoe for a kiss and have been denied. (very painful being rejected, i take it very badly)

Maybe i pick the wrong times? or i get too mushy? i don't know.

i will be receiving help on my codependency problem that i believe i have.

Wow this is an old thread that i lost

Raymond 3rd April 2008 01:07 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
I know what Susan is talking about. Some of us are complex creatures and she may just be on the right track. We are all sexual beings deep down and so long as the reason is not that the sexual drive is being perverted into something else there is hope. Alas though I feel that a lot of men are happier on a porn site or something instead of living in the reality of their own sexual relationship with their loved one. But if this isn't the problem then it is worth investigating and finding out the key to switching them on.

Raymond

Raymond 3rd April 2008 06:53 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
Not to take the romance out of it sex is a duty as well. I was just reading the following verses from the bible 1 Cor 7:3-5b new Living Translation.

The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman. Nor should the wife deprive her husband. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband and the husband also gives authority over his body to the wife. So do not deprive each other of sexual relations.

I think a lot of this is to do with the mind as well. All our sexual imagination should be towards our spouses. If sex starts in the brain indulging in porn etc. it will rob us and rob our spouses of the imagination we reserve for them. If I am watching porn etc., that is nothing to do with my wife. Although I love my wife I need the discipline as well to keep myself pure for her and not pollute myself watching others outside of our relationship indulging in fantasy sex just to tittilate me. I am capable of being tittilated but the cost is to my sexual relations with my wife. You know deep down that you have been unfaithful even if it's only fantasy because your body is responding sexually. I try not to watch porn but I know enough about my body to know what I am talking about.

I read a story about a couple where the husband frequently masturbated on his own. During this time he would get fantasy images coming into his mind. One day an image of a blonde girl about 8 years old came into his mind and he imagined doing all sorts of things to her. After that he went downstairs and amazingly the very girl in the fantasy was there and within a short time he was abusing her. She had been left for him and his wife to babysit for a friend. The police were called in and he pleaded that he was not a paedophile. This is a true story and illustrates another force, perhaps demonic, which operates when one get into solo masturbation apart from the wife. The marriage was sexless at the time but there was no shortage of sex drive in the fantasy world he had created. Fortunately this person was able to get help in a christian centre but it is a warning of what one can get into indulging in any kind of sex outside of marriage. Sorry to shock anyone, but this actually happened and similar things are probably repeating themselves with thousands in the fantasy realms.

Raymond

Alice Alice 3rd April 2008 07:08 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
 
This is scary and i believe spirits can manipulate our minds when we are in a fantasy state of sexual feelings...i worry about my husbands mental state at times like this when i think how long he can go on like this...he looks at porn all the time
he even has said he can't stop.


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