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-   -   I don't want to get a divorce (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=7054)

leilag 22nd December 2010 11:48 PM

I don't want to get a divorce
 
This is all new to me.

The only place to start is at the beginning. My husband asked me for a divorce a month before our 13th anniversary and I don't really understand why.

I am married to a Muslim and I converted. I know I am not an angle and admitted to my husband I occasionally drank. With my job it is kinda hard not too. my husband does not like the fact that I occasionally take pictures with people and I embrace them in the pictures. Yet, he forgets we meet in a bar and I am a modern women.

I love him dearly and don't think this is a big deal. Another factor is that for the past 2 years we have lived in 2 different cites because of my choice to follow my career. I know I am not perfect and sometimes I have to travel for business with colleagues he might not deem appropriate.
So I lie and do not tell him I am in town on business.

To make things worse while living separately I had a flatmate whom in the end turned against me and told my husband I cheated on him. I would n never do this. Anyone who knows me knows I am devoted to him and talk about him all the time.

I need advice.

We had a lovely weekend together, then he went back to work and another country. He has spoken to the ex flat mat; got on facebook saw pictures of me and exploded. He demanded a divorce that was a month a go. He came to see me, gave back his ring and left a suitcase of my things from our apartment together.

We have spoke once he still yelling and screaming to leave him alone. We are Muslim and he is not even handling it in a respectful Muslim manner. He said he was going to file for divorce, but I have yet to received any papers or spoken to each other calmly.

He will not talk to me at all. I do not know what is going through his head. All he is doing now is become friends on face book.

I do not want to throw 13 years away with someone I love. He will not even talk to me. I never meant to hurt him at all, he says he is tired of me. His friend told me to move on.

Is this thing worth saving? Am I living in a dream. Will giving him space change anything?

The stupid thing is his is still my friend on facebook? Should I de-friend him, seeing him talk to other women is killing me. If I de-friend him is it really over? Should :( I just move on? but I love him.

Help

Forever 23rd December 2010 06:04 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Leilag,

No, please do not de-friend him on Facebook. That will look to him like what he is believing about you may be true. If anything, use facebook as a tool to tell him that you understand how he must be feeling, and that you will wait for him to be ready to talk. He is absolutely ticked off at you, but you need to give him time to cool without pushing him for conversation.

When you get the opportunity, that is, after he has initiated conversation, would you be willing to tell him that you will be willing to give up your career entirely? That may be the only thing that would give him a sense of relief given your life styles, and given the working enviroment that you have.

If not, then he may elect to continue to believe the worst, and there is nothing you can do to prove to him otherwise. Your flatmate did the ultimate damage, but your working enviroment and living arrangements apart from him left room for so many things to go on in his head. He has a standard for how a wife should act. You are not helping him trust you and be at peace with you when you choose to live contrary to what he believes is proper for a woman/wife.

If he, NOT YOU, files for divorce, then you will have to accept that he has made up his mind. He feels disgraced and this is his solution.

Hope that helps.

leilag 24th December 2010 01:03 AM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Wow thank you so much. I did not de friend him after all.
I spoke to my ex-room mates brother who is also my husbands best friend. Surprisingly the brother is on my side and feels he has to forgive me. He knows me and says I am a good women. He is the only friend of both of us the is willing to get involved and talk to him man to man.

It finally made me fee better. He said he will talk to him cause today people give up to much. I know we will have to talk, for now I will let him friend women of FB. I don't care. I am a fighter. For now I just have to be patient and let the powers that be take over.

Your message just helped me to confirm it.

Thank you for you support.

Forever 24th December 2010 01:45 AM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
This is good news. I am happy that you have someone that is willing to speak on your behalf.

You must be very careful to show your husband respect for his wishes. Learn, and do what is important to him. Put your marriage first, not your career. You must earn back his trust and affection because he sees some of the things you do as a modern woman to be threatening to him. Be a good wife and make the necessary adjustments in your life. Learn to sacrifice for love.

leilag 24th December 2010 01:19 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
My only fear is that he will not let is pride go. He is very hard headed and many times his pride gets in the way.

His other friend told me to move on and forget about it because he is tired of it.

My problem is do I still give it hope or just move on with my life? It is xams and I am alone. I don't have any family and my good friends are far way.

People say I should not call him or reach out. Either way I cannot call him because he changed his mobile number and disconnected the land line. Yet he continues to be my friend on FB and become friends with women from his past.

I don't know how long I can take it. He can be so mean and vengeful.

I want to call him, find him , what should i do?

Thanks

leilag 24th December 2010 02:57 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
he told his entire family

Forever 24th December 2010 04:18 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Exactly WHAT is your husband tired of? What has been the source of his problems?

Also, do you think it is a good idea to keep going on Facebook, given how much it hurts you to see what he is doing?

chosen 24th December 2010 04:21 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
forever
I agree, whats the point of seeing him communicating with other women on facebook if its so upsetting?

Forever 24th December 2010 04:33 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Leilag,
Your husband says he is "tired" of this. Can you figure what he means by that? Is it that the two of you do not live together, or the type of job you have which makes him feel threatened? Perhaps he feels emotionally disconnected from you if there has not been enough intimacy and "home" together?

That he made sure you could not contact him, gave back his wedding ring, and is talking to other women on facebook and making sure you see that is very serious. I think he is so angry and is trying to hurt you.

What kind of pictures did he see of you on Facebook that caused such a reaction?

I am asking these things because the only hope that I can see personally is that you may be able to use Facebook as a communication device to contact him and explain to him the circumstances. Be advised however, that everyone else will see whatever you write. It will be public, but then, he made it very public when he told his entire family. That is not a good sign.

leilag 24th December 2010 05:02 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
I think he is tired of me doing stupid things. Like not telling him things and seeing me in pictures with other men. Holding them by the arm, to me this is nothing but to him its disrespect.


We do not have a problem with intimacy at all. He is just very jealous. I know he is trying to hurt me and I only send back positive energy. We had a face book war today and again he said he would never get back to me. If its over then why stay my friend on FB ? To hurt me?

I spoke to his Mom today she and I have never had a really good relationship. I know I have a problem with love. She is the one that told me even thought she will not give me his new number she is protective of him in this way, but still hopes that we will get back together. She is divorced 2 and says sometimes these things happen.

My question is why divorce if you are still in love? Is love not enough.

Was today's brief interaction a step toward maybe being able to talk to each other? Why is he responding to me if he hates me so much?

Thanks again,
Charlotte

leilag 24th December 2010 05:05 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
he also hates the fact that I drink occasionally. He is Muslim.

I really don't drink just an occasional glass of champagne at an event. Even though he told me he would divorce me if i drank.


:(

Forever 24th December 2010 05:29 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Can you understand that what is innocent to you, is disrespectful and hurtful to him?
If so, then maybe you can communicate that to him, yes, even on facebook, maybe ESPECIALLY on facebook for the whole world to see. He has lost "face" feels humiliated by having others see pics of you with other men. Now, he feels he must take a stand against you. You have backed him into a corner, and in his mind, in order to keep his dignity intact, he feels he must make you a public example of his shame. Communicating with other women is his way of letting you know how it feels.

You can certainly turn this around IF you will humble yourself. Tell him publically that you will repent of these things, that you love only him, and that you will not drink anymore, not travel with those who make him feel uneasy, and will even give up your job. Are you willing to do these things to keep his heart safe? No, love is not enough. It is just an emotion. There is also the standards in marriage that protect the hearts of each other. Keeping those standard is what Love is.

Love means sacrafice. Can you sacrafice all for him?

He sees your drinking as an act of rebellion dear. And lying to him in order to have freedom to do what is hurtful to him surely cannot help him feel safe with you can it?

My understanding is that you converted to Muslim faith. Surely you realise that means you will need to understand how Muslim men view the way a married woman should behave? By chance, could this be why his mother and you do not get along well? I think he feels humiliated by the way you flaunt your "modern" freedom. If you are converted, you must be converted to what is expected from their women.
Even if he were not Muslim, as a man, these things would be hurtful.

Let us know what you think.

chosen 24th December 2010 05:59 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Every marriage needs clear strong boundaries with the opposites sex. Travelling alone with other men, having pictures of yourself holding and embrassing other men etc isnt a good idea whether he is muslim or not. Its not something that I would ever do, and I am not muslim, but Christian. Also why do you need to drink, if you married him knowing that he would never drink himself and didnt want you to?
Living in a different city because of your career? Not a good idea either. A married couple should live together unless it is impossible (ie one of them is in the armed forces for example). I think that you need/needed to put your own desires aside and work on the marriage. I hope that it isnt too late.
I suppose this is why it is often not a good idea for those from different religions and cultures to marry.

A thought just occured to me. If he doesnt drink, what was he doing in a bar when he met you? isnt that a bit like a vegetarian working in an abatoir?

leilag 24th December 2010 07:21 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
I think a lot of this stems from my insecurity about love. Both my parents abandoned me at birth. I was raised by my grandmother and aunt. I was always made to feel like the bad child. I would rebel for attention and I recognize these patterns. I also think this is why I had issues with his mom. I think she feels bad for me, but wishes I would move on. He is still her son and wants to protect him.:(

The reason why I left the country we were living in was because I could not find work. I am a highly educated women and we both wanted to see me achieve. He always told me he did not want me to have any regrets about my career.

Yes, exactly when we meet we both were doing what people do in a bar. I do have respect for his religion and do believe it has saved my life. When both my aunt and grandmother died 2 things helped me our religion and my husband.

I totally understand that I have disrespected him. I did not do it on purpose for me sometimes showing affection comes naturally for me. I understand my actions to not leave room for trust.

I again spoke to his friend who says he will go talk to him face to face. He knows our past and will ask him on my behalf to find some mercy for me. I am lucky and hope for the best. My husband is still really upset.

Forever 24th December 2010 08:01 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Your issues regarding insecurity about love need to be buried in the past. That was unfortunate, but you are now living today.
What does your husband have to do to prove his love for you? When will you finally believe him? You are a married woman now, who has a husband that allowed you the freedom that your education has afforded. He encouraged you because he loved you and saw what a career meant to your self esteem. This is part of his love for you. This did not mean that you were to disregard and disrespect him as a man.

Of course, I think you know this now more than ever. He told you that if you drink, he would divorce you, even though you both met in a bar. He was setting a standard that he thought you understood. He was happy to meet you, regardless of where that took place (in a bar), but made it clear that if you were to be his wife, then you would be expected to give up the drinking. Did you agree to that? Did you think that his feelings for you would override his need for security and your promise? You know, many men have double standards. It seems to be fine if they drink, but not if their wife does. Is this the case for you and your husband?

These are questions you must ask yourself. I know how angry he is. He feels like you have taken advantage of his love for you, broken your promises, flaunted yourself to other men and now his is ashamed he married you. He feels like a fool. You were so intent on getting love the way you wanted it, that you forgot about giving it to him the way he needed it.

This can be repaired. Biggest question is this. What are you willing to do for him to have the marriage repaired? That is the real question.

leilag 24th December 2010 08:18 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
My husband does not have to do anything to prove his love for me. I know have to work on forgetting my past. In the past month I learned that nothing is as important to me than him.

I am willing to give up living a part for my career and humbling myself. I know many women that wished they had a man like him. I have to work on loving myself before I can give him the love that he deserves.

My hope is that he will get over his pride. You have hit the nail on the head on his feelings.

I also think I need to let go of communicating with his family. It is hard because I have a very close relationship with his sister. I raised her for 2 years while their mother went through a divorce. She says I am the only one who was there for her when she really needed someone.

Do you really think it can be repaired? Any more advice on how to repair the situation. I really don't want to air our business on facebook but that is the only way we are kinda communicating with each other. When he sent me a hateful message I replied with a peaceful one.

I am also curious why you say to remain friend on facebook?

Forever 24th December 2010 08:39 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Remain friends on facebook because he is your husband. This is the only way you have to tell him that you repent and that you love him. You are a fighter remember. And yes, there is great hope for you if you can let him know the changes that you are willing to make and acknowledge his feelings and needs.

Airing your "laundry" on facebook will not kill you. It also serves to others (especially the women he is trying to befriend and hurt you with) to let them know that you still love and want your husband. Personally, if he were REALLY finished with you, he would not communicate with you even on facebook. He is still using that as a tool to vent and see what your reactions are.

Do not use facebook as a war. Use it to tell your husband how much you love him and want to do what he needs to make him know it. Tell him you want to come home and be the wife he needs and thought he had.

P. S. You can give him the love he needs NOW, before you learn to love yourself. Get out of yourself and start thinking about HIM. You will feel much better about yourself as you learn to love others.

leilag 24th December 2010 09:18 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
I will remain friends and just bite the bullet. All i have is god now. I hope he can one day eat his pride and find forgiveness for me.

I will take your advice and just send love. Hopefully in time he will come to change and forgive me.

Thank you so much you have helped me get through the day.

How did you get so wise? Do you really think my mistakes are that sever?

I do think I will take a few days off FB it hurts to much and it get's me angry?

All I do is post sad songs and look at our pictures. Hiss friend says that he knows only one thing that my husband loves me. Yet, he cannot promise anything, but will defend me. Not sure if anything will work. How do I stay positive and continue. All I want to do is stay in my room and sleep. I cannot eat at all.

Only god can judge now.

Once again thank you for your support.

Happy Holiday

leilag 24th December 2010 09:26 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Bit he also says that he has given me too many chances. What do i say to that?:confused:

Forever 24th December 2010 09:26 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
No, do not just send love. Send love AND tell him WHAT specifically you are willing to do for the marriage, for him. He is looking for more than just emotions here. He is looking for change. Tell him what the changes will be, no broken promises, no excuses.


Trust God. Your husband is not operating from pride, at least not the bad kind of pride. He is HURT and devestated and humiliated. Do not take a break from facebook. Put your hurt and anger aside for now. I know you will see things that hurt and anger you, I think he wants to hurt you back like he has felt. But that is the only communication you have. He still needs to vent his anger and you still need to let him know that you love him and want to go home.

Forever 24th December 2010 09:28 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Tell him that you agree that he has been very gracious and given many chances. Tell him that the time apart and the seriousness of how you have hurt him has finally awaken you to the truth, and that now you are hurting for what you have done to him.

Ummm, yes, your mistakes were definately that severe. That is why all this is happening.

leilag 24th December 2010 09:34 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
But he won't even talk to me. I sent him message today saying I wish the best for him and I hope we can be friends. He never replied just posted a video about the perils of this word and stated if you want to know why you love the bad things in this world to much.

Do you think I should wait a while before I contact him again? Let him miss me a little? He seems to just get angry every time I try to contact him.

I wanted to send him an anniversary card, but held back.

Do you think he will really believe that I will change or look at it as empty promises and not believe me because he has given more then enough chances in the past.

C

chosen 24th December 2010 09:35 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
I cant agree that this facebook comunication is going to help anyone. Let your mutual friend talk to him and stay away from facebook is my advice. It may well just mess things up more. Keep your distance and dignity and allow this friend to speak to him.I think you need to give him space and stop making him angry by contacting him. Give him a chance to miss you and think about the future.

If he wants to act badly by chatting to lots of other women on facebook, then let him, thats his choice,but you dont have to go on to it yourself and be hurt.

Forever 24th December 2010 09:51 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Oh, I am sorry, I was under the impression that there was some actual communication between the two of you. That is why I recommended keeping the lines of communication open, even if he were spewing his anger. I am concerned that if you close off communication, he will think that you are not fighting for your marriage, especially since he is at the place in his heart that he feels that he cannot take anymore. The only thing that will quell his anger is your continued willingness to humble yourself in spite of his venting.

Yes he is talking to other women. If that is something he is not accustomed to doing, then I see it as a way for him to let you know how he has felt when you were doing it.

What do you think?

By the way, what did you convert from? That is, what were your beliefs before you met your husband?

leilag 24th December 2010 09:59 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
yes i agree he is using it to make me feel the way he feels.

I am not afraid of those other women. If he feels this is something he needs to do then let him do it. If another women comes along I am not afraid of her or the situation.

I am ready to fight. Since we were married in the states do we have to get divorced there.

He has to talk to me eventually right? We have had no communication as adults at all. He just brought my stuff and left. He was supposed to come back with the paper and never did because he did not want to see me cry and beg.

I even know if he has gone through with it yet. Every time I hear the post man mu stomach hurts.

I do not know how to contact him except via facebook. He does not answer our land line and changed his mobile and his mom is not offering me his nez number. She is protecting her son. I am too afraid to go to our house in France. I don't want to be rejected and don't want him to start throwing my things away.

I am going back to the states tomorrow and wonder if I should stay there?

Forever 24th December 2010 10:08 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Did he already file for divorce? I am not clear on that. If so, how did you find out? Also, just like marriage, even divorce can be stopped if both parties are willing. Where are you located right now? Where is he? Where is your home? I am confused as to why you are coming back to the states and where your husband is located.

Does he actually communicate with you on facebook or not?

Curious, what did you believe in before you converted to Muslim? Does your husband think your conversion is not real?

leilag 24th December 2010 10:12 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
I do not know if he has filed he said he was going to but I have not received anything.
I was Episcopal sometimes he says I converted for him not god
I hope I can stop it if he has actually filed. MY hope is he has not field yet, this give me hope that maybe he too is not ready for that step.

Forever 24th December 2010 10:14 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
What would staying in the states accomplish?

Forever 24th December 2010 10:16 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
You cannot stop it. Only the one making the petition can do that, and if he does, you also have to agree to it when it goes that far.

leilag 24th December 2010 10:18 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
nothing I don't want to live there. yet, it is where my friends are.

I am alone in London and all I have is my job now.

Very lonely

chosen 24th December 2010 10:28 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
leilag
If you are in the UK he can only divorce you in three ways
a) for unreasonable behaviour,
b)after a 2 year seperation if you both agree, or
c) after 5 year seperation, if only one agrees

So unless he is going to divorce you for unreasonable behaviour, he will have to wait for 2 years.
If he lives in another country then I am not sure what happens about the divorce.Maybe he does it according to the laws of where he lives.

If I were you I would live where you want to live, and wait to see what happens after time apart and the friend speaks to him.

leilag 24th December 2010 10:32 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
should i seek consul from a Muslim clergy? He is not even following the rules of his religion.

God does not like divorce and gives the wife rights. We are not allowed to get divorced with out council and he is supposed to financially support me for 3 months until the decision is filed. In the 3 months I am allowed to try to reconcile.

leilag 24th December 2010 10:34 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
he is in France. He has to get a lawyer and says that he can file on abandonment charges because I am in the UK.

I think the French law is similar he has to get a lawyer and file papers then we both have to agree. Not sure what to do, should I go to France and collect my affairs or hope for the best.

chosen 24th December 2010 10:38 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by leilag (Post 58614)
should i seek consul from a Muslim clergy? He is not even following the rules of his religion.

God does not like divorce and gives the wife rights. We are not allowed to get divorced with out council and he is supposed to financially support me for 3 months until the decision is filed. In the 3 months I am allowed to try to reconcile.

well as you are both muslims then I suppose that you should do it the way they expect you to.

chosen 24th December 2010 10:43 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by leilag (Post 58615)
he is in France. He has to get a lawyer and says that he can file on abandonment charges because I am in the UK.

I think the French law is similar he has to get a lawyer and file papers then we both have to agree. Not sure what to do, should I go to France and collect my affairs or hope for the best.

So by the sounds of it, you dont have to agree to this divorce do you?. How can he file for abandonment if you are only abroad for your job? Why not tell him, if you can, that you wont agree to it, and that you want a year or so to reflect and think. Dont let him rush you into anything. There's no hurry is there.
If he is in France can you write to him? Maybe you could write and give the letter to the friend to give him.

leilag 24th December 2010 10:47 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
good advice. We both have to be willing right? I have told him that I will not agree the night he gave me back my ring.

I think in about 2 weeks I will right him a letter and tell him I need time and ask if he will give it to me.

He needs to cool down some more.

Thanks for your advice

leilag 24th December 2010 10:50 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
do i also seek legal advice just in case? Know my rights just in case?

chosen 24th December 2010 10:52 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
yes thats a good idea, leave it 2 weeks or so, and then write down how you feel about all of this, and say that you dont want the marriage to end, and that you want a year before any divorce is started. He may not like this, but it is your marriage as well as his.
Obviously I dont know French divorce laws. Maybe you could do some research on them?
Yes it would be a good idea to get some legal advise if he is determind to end the marriage.A solicitor in the uK will know about French divorce laws. (or he can find out).
I have to go to bed now. Busy day tomorrow, Christmas day and all that. Will get back when I can.
God Bless.

Forever 24th December 2010 11:00 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Keep in touch with us here. We will be looking for your posts. We all hope you can find something enjoyable during your stay in the states. Let us know if there are any changes.

Best Wishes Charlotte

Forever 24th December 2010 11:13 PM

Re: I don't want to get a divorce
 
Charlotte,
Take your time, be careful in everything you say and do. He is angry, and needs time.


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