child produced from affair with married man
 

This is a difficult one.Found out husband of 20 years has had a 3 year affair which produced a child, now age 1.We have two young children ourselves.He wants to save marriage, is obligated to pay child support for this other child, which he is doing, but wants emotional connection with child too. As wife, I feel this child is threat to our marriage and life with our children and cannot tolerate his wanting contact with child. In Christian perspective, where should his obligations lie? Whose needs should he put first? please advise.Thanks.

How hard it must have been to face this difficult situation. There are no easy answers. In order to save your marriage, your husband does need to give you and your children priority, and no doubt you are having to work through the pain of forgiveness.

However that child did not ask to be brought into the world and does need to know his father. Similarly it is not surprising or wrong for your husband to have concern and feelings for his child. On the other hand, the other woman may want to marry again some day and the new husband may be willing to be as a father to the child. In which case it would be sensible for them to agree a process to tell the child about his biological father at some appropriate point.

Are you concerned that if he sees the child he will be tempted to continue some sort of relationship with the other woman beyond the basics needed to care for the child? Or does his seeing the child present a constant reminder of what happened so that it's hard to move on? Perhaps you need to talk to him about the feelings you have around that, whatever they are, fear, anxiety, anger, pain, mistrust, so he can understand where you are coming from and reassure you. Can you also find it in your heart to listen to him and try and understand how he feels about the child?

You will also have to consider how much the children and others should know about what has happened and the timing of this.

The key issues from a Christian perspective are surely forgiveness, which involves not exacting payment or revenge for the hurt someone has done to you. Then there is the difficult issue of learning to trust again. To rebuild a marriage you need to return to the vows you made to each other of exclusivity and commitment through the difficult as well as the good times. Lastly God is a compassionate God who cares for the weak and helpless and the fatherless, so I would say the bible would support your husband caring for his child, but not in a way that damages his marriage to you and your family life together.

So, as I understand what you say, Husband should not care for child in way to damage marriage and our family life.However, he has involved our children in affair prior to my knowledge by introducing them to child without telling them of who child really is. I do not trust H to think of our children as he tries to involve self emotionally with this child. In fact, I believe he would damage our family life in doing so, and our marriage. I see child as constant reminder to me of our broken marriage vows and his infidelity--to parent child reinforces that to me daily. Should his parenting needs of this child supersede his responsibilities to his original family and wife? If he parents this child, I do think family and marriage will suffer and divorce will be imminent.Now what is Christian perspective? by the way, forgiveness is made more difficult by constant reminder of betrayal via involvement of child. I am trying to forgive, but child makes it impossible. I also question if child would not be better served with full time dad if mother of child finds partner to do this. now what?

Thank you for the further insight into the situation. I am not a theologian, but my understanding is that if I have broken vows or injured someone, then my responsibility is to seek forgiveness from the person I have wronged and to try to heal that broken relationship. I would also have to take responsibility for the circumstances my sin has created.

I would expect to take measures to heal my marriage first and then to work together with my spouse to face the consequences of the damage that had been done.

The real challenge in following Jesus is facing up to our sinfulness, turning away from it and seeking to make reparation where possible.

You are faced with the challenge of how to work this out with your husband. It is interesting that when Jesus was asked "Who is my neighbour?", he answered with a parable that ended with a different question, "Which of these three was a neighbour to the man who was robbed?"

Knowing whether your husband is acting rightly towards you is only part of the answer. How can you act mercifully and lovingly to your husband to enable healing in your relationship, while standing up for what is right and best for your marriage and your family?

Do you have a wise pastor that you can trust that you can both go and talk to, who can help you work through the issues and the pain you are facing?


[This message has been edited by Liz (edited 12 May 2001).]

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I wish I didn't understand what you are going through but I do. I am the one who had an affair with a married man and had a child from this. I was married myself. My husband and I worked through "many" problems. We prayed about the correct decisions for ourselves, our children and the baby. We choose to keep the baby and wanted to raise him as our own. We felt for our marriage survival and the healthiest choice for the baby would be to keep him from having to do "visitations". He needed to grow up as normal as possible. After many tears, prayers and arguements my husband was given the right to adopt him. I am so blessed to have a husband that is not only forgiving, loving and gracious but, wants to do the will of God.

It is still dificult at times. The biological father has done an awesome thing and stepped out of our life and temporarally out of the babys. We don't plan on keeping this a secret from him but, to give him a strong foundation first and bits of information at a time till he is old enough to understand the complexity of the situation.

This was right for us. It is not the right decision for everyone.
Three and a half years old now and a wonderful part of this family.

Do what is right for you. Set your ground rules on what you can handle.You need to be his first priority. Be loving if you can though. Don't forget to find out what got you two to the place where he felt he needed something somewhere else. It wasn't another person, it was a need not being met or communication gaps.
God heals many wounds!

We serve an awsome God that heals and mends and forgives.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I am glad to find this forum. My story is similar and going thru a very hard time at the moment. Married for 3.5 yrs, no kid together but we both really want one. We fight a lot then my husband went cheated on me and got this girl pregnant. This girl has other kids from other man too. So she is cheating on her partner too. I feel so sick thinking about this but I am not going to give up my marriage. I dont know what is the best way to deal with this. My H is exciting to have the baby as he always want a child. BUt I am so devastated that is it not with me. I dont know how to handle this, with him taking her to doctor and how about the birth that he wants to be there, then what happened after, he will be there all the time. I am so scared that he will fall for her and left me. He is not telling me, where she lives to protect her. how about me? I pray to God everyday to give me his wisdom to know what to do but I am suffering and hurt. I know the child is going to be constant reminder but my biggest problem is I dont want this woman in our life and I fear that she has the control since she is carrying his kid now. Has anyone deal with this before? please help me, I need some insight.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

This is so sad. I cant understand why your husband is taking her to the doctor and will be at the birth if she has a partner(who presumably thinks the child is his?)
Personally I could not deal with a husband who cant even be faithful after such a short marriage, and who is so insensitive to his own wifes feelings that he is acting as if he is HER partner and not YOURS.
Unless you can cope with this for the next 18 or so years, then what alternative have you but to separate? This is why Jesus allows divorce for adultery because of such betrayals and what is to stop him having sex with her again, or with another lady?
I would advise you to end this marriage before you bring another poor child into this mess. I am assuming that your husband isn't a Christian? You need a man with integrity and morals, and any future child you have needs a father who isn't going to cheat on his or her mother and father children with other women. His behaviour is disgusting.:mad:

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I agree. It appears you are not seeing any repentance from him at all. Quite the opposite it seems. You are in danger of being a doormat if you put up with this behaviour. Adultery is legitimate grounds for divorce. As christians we are not forced to put up with that. If you choose to stay it is up to you but without his repentance it wouldn't be much of a marriage.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

He did apologise at the beginning but now he said he is done being sad and he wants to be a good dad as having a child is what he always wanted and sadly it is not with me. BUt it is what it is he said and he wants to do what he thinks it is right to do. He wants to help this other woman, she doesnt speak english well, no car and obviously her partner left him. My H help her found a house for her and help her move etc. I dont know how I can move forward if he is still doing things with her. It make me sick everytime I think about it and I havent been able to think possitive about this. He got angry if I question to much and he wont tell me where she is. He tell her that I am with him coz he said he doesnt want to upset her or hurt her feeling as she is carrying his child (which what she claimed anyway, no test has proof this). He believes her, saying that she is good girl. Good girl does not sleep with someone husband and purposely have a child. How can I make him see what he is doing is not right. he hates to be told what to do but he has no idea how much he has destroy me,my self esteem is gone. I dont go out or do things with friends anymore. my friends hate me because I choose to work on this marriage. I am scared if I have something on then I will be missing out spending time with him which in turn he might then go to her again. I dont want this to happened again but he has not cut the ties with her because of the child. I dont want to walk away and let that woman have him. Then I am the only who lose everything and she gets it all. I know he is not a good man. But after knowing him for over 11 years and still with him, is that a sign from GOD that something has hold me to be with him or HE has a plan for me somehow. has anyone has to deal with this and if so how? is this going to work out? some says affairs can bring couple closer and stronger bond. I already feel like a doormat anyway and I know it is not a good thing but I dont want to walk out from this marriage. Many times I feel that maybe it is better off if I am dead then I will not feel the pain anymore and everyone is going to be happy.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

sorry correction... he DOES not tell her that we are back together coz he doesnt want to upset her or hurt her feeling. Saying that we dont even talk about this stuff. He said he is doing what he think he needs to do to make sure the child is safe.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

Well his focus is on her and the child, and if he isnt even telling her that he is with you, his wife, in case she, who has committed adultery with another womens wife, is upset??????
Of course she is not a good girl, she has no morals or integrity, and the child may well not be his(her needs to ask for a paternity terst after the birth, especially if she had any other boyfriend)
I am sorry but he is acting like a jerk, and unless he repents and begins to think of you, I cant see that things will change. Is this the sort of man that you want to be married to and to father your child?
I think you may have had a lucky escape to be honest. I know its very painful but many of us here have had marriages break up, and have gone on to heal and be happy again and remarry.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

Putting the best spin on it he committed adultery but repented of it but finds now that he is to be a father. That cannot be changed. He will rightly feel a responsibility to the child. There are consequences to his cheating and he has to handle them as honourably as he can.

However where it seems to be falling down is in not making it plain to her that you are his wife and that he is faithful to you. He must leave her in no doubt about this. Maybe it comes out of a fear that she will not let him near her if there is not a chance in having him. I don't know but honesty is the best policy here including total faithfulness to you. We cannot expect God to work out situations when we are not doing our bit in being honest and being totally faithful to the one we are married to.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

Raymond I agree that he will need to financially support the child and arrange visitation etc but that doesn't include going to doctors appts or being at the birth, or anything that isn't specifically for the child and not the other woman. He also needs to make it clear that he is with his wife and not her.Its a horrible situation and is hard to see how this marriage can survive the way it is.
This is one of those awful situations where it may be best to move on and in time find another man who is faithful and has morals and integrity. This man has none of those. He cant be trusted and I feel for the child with parents like them.
Of course as I said, he may well not even be the father anyway. He needs to have a paternity test done asap and in the meantime stay away from her.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

There was an apology over the affair it seems and sillybil had mentioned that he is done being sad which shows that there might have been repentance, but I agree everything has to be played out very carefully. Responsibility towards the child (if it is his) with good boundaries kept with regard to the mother. I'm not sure about attending the birth. He will be the father of the child but not the husband of the mother. A difficult one.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

Tks all for your reply. I really value them. This is the reason why I am not able to move forward due to his reaction. I realise he is not a good man, he has no good value in him let alone any intergrity. He told me that he doesnt want to be ashamed and actually excited that he is going to be a dad. Something that he always wanted. Thus he wants to makes sure everything is ok and safe with the baby. Since that woman carrying the child, he needs to do what he needs to do to make sure all ok and he has the right of the child here in the country. She was threatening him saying if she is not moving in with him then she will go back to her country. He got scared thinking that he will never see the child again thus made her stay. Now he help her find a house but I dont know where, a secret to me but his friends know this as he was helping him moving stuff to that woman house. I feel like calling her and confront her but then I know if I do that, she will tell him then he will get angry with me and I will never hear from him every again. But I want that woman to know where she stands. He wont tell her, maybe because he is afraid that she will threaten him not to let him see the child or something, I dont know. BUt it is killing me just the thought of him going to doctors with her, buying baby stuff with her, he wants to be at the birth as he wants to experience it. He is very selfish all he thinks about himself. I really wish that I dont love him at all so I can walk out easily. I also know that if I walk out I will be very unhappy but I am not completely happy with the situation now either. To top it up, his family doesnt talk to me, there were so many problems with them, with his criminal brother, his aggresive sister and bad influence of his mom. I used to be closed to all of them but slowly as we fight, they were ganging up to go against me. Long story anyway, it's been few years now. I am an adult, I just let it go if I want to make this marriage work but without his full commitment to me, this current arrangement is not working for me. I cried everyday, I stared at blanked, I dont put music on anymore as it makes me sad, I got very insecure when I see other pregnant woman and especially with the same nationality I know that other woman is. I feel sick in my stomach and I just feel that the only thing for me to end this feeling is to end my life. I dont really want to do that as I have an 18 years old child from my prev marriage. I feel even worse as I cannot have a child with him but he did it with a random who has no moral. How and when am I going to feel ok again... it is like I have to be in the best behavious with no complaint or being sad while he can do whatever he wants but not putting up with my emotional rollercoaster and expect me just to deal with it. He said he is with me almost everynight but it is the way it is now. Sure enough there is something in his mind what he needs to be doing but I dont know that. He took me to find a car with extra seats for the baby he said. My heart sank and I feel sick, then he refer time to time if we go away. I really dont know how it will work or what is in his mind but he refused to discuss it with me. He said he will tell me what he thinks I need to know that's all. And if I cant deal with it, I can go, he will understand. I jsut want to know if he is really committed to me but at this moment, we live separately and I feel that he wants to keep it this way, so he can do whatever he wants and he doesnt have to answer to me and he can run away anytime he wants. Why does he get away with doing this thing? why do I suffer? what have I done to deserve this? I just want to be happy with my husband. I feel that I am being punished but he is the one who did all this horrible things.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

Surely that is a sign of a lack of commitment that he doesn't even live with you although he is your husband.

My advice is to go to your fellowship and build your self up with God's things and find the strength to do the right thing. I think that is to leave him and extracate yourself from this mess. All I can see is years of turmoil ahead and it is up to you to find the strength to get free. You have to make your own decisions though of course.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I agree with Raymond, you married a guy with no morals or integrity who isn't even prepared to tell you what he is going to do.
You have a child, please think of them. My mother killed herself and it devastated my life for years.
There is life after divorce, I can vouch for that. I have a vey happy marriage now.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I left him few months back when we sold our home, things were bad between us, we argued all the time and he went away getting drunk and often didnt come home, I didnt know where he was etc. Time to time he came back and then tried to be nice to me, sweep things under the carpet, didnt want to talk about it. THus now he blamed me saying that if only you didnt left me, things would not happened like this. So it is all my fault according to him. So we both has 12 months lease but I know there is a way if he wants to be together with me. When I left him, I thought I finally found the strenght to leave him but I was wrong, I was so miserable and missed him terribly. He was the same too beside also in his anger or stupidity, he did the unspeakable thing and being unfaithful to me. He thought he could get away with it but shocked when told the OW is pregnant. And now things is just only getting worse. We see each other almost everyday now but I dont want to live separate with him. I want all this come from him if he really wants to make this marriage work. It appear to me the more I am avail for him, I feel that he is taking me for granted now. As if I am the guilty one and trying to make things better. I dont know what else to do but I want to make things work and I dont know why do I believe that somehow it will work? Maybe I am crazy to think this way?

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I think you may have become a doormat Sillybil. This tends to happen when a spouse puts up with unfaithfulness. What Chosen didn't say was that her father was unfaithful to her mother for years.

Marriage should be sacrosanct and intimacy should only be between the husband and the wife. Where this is breached through adultery or unfaithfulness divorce is permitted by scripture. There are cases where there is sincere repentance and the marriage is sometimes saved. From your husband's behaviour I do not see a sincere repentance. I usually tell wives not to accept them back until they see that sincere repentance. Maybe you have accepted him back where there wasn't that repentance and have now become a doormat?

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I agree with Raymond. He is half hearted about the marriage, and until he is prepared to decide if he wants to be with you, or have her and the child, what sort of marriage is it. If he isn't even prepared to tell the other woman that you are his wife and that he will not be living with her, then there really is no marriage.
Raymond is right, my father, while a good dad in many ways, did have a long affair with another woman, and I wish my mother had given him an ultimatum of 'her or me'. She didn't and it drove her to depression and despair in the end. Don't let it do that to you.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

He doesnt want to be with her, he just want the child but since OW is carrying the child, he said he will do what he thinks he needs to do to make sure everything is ok with the child. He told me he doesnt have feelings for her. It was a mistake and now it is done. He is a very selfish man. I wish I can just walk away then I wouldnt be in this forum asking for support and advise. That many people I spoke to has told me to leave him but in my heart I dont want to do that. I might be stubborn, maybe there is a reason of why I wont let this marriage go. Is there even a success story like mine or my story is one of the most horrible thing ever?

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

We have had a wives on here before who didn't have the strength to leave a husband who went with other women. Somehow they lacked the courage and had a fear of being on their own. We have also had a wife on here in your position where the husband's unfaithfulness produced a child from the other woman. I don't believe from memory that that marriage survived. You have the added complication in that he gets drunk and doesn't even live with you. You have to ask yourself what are you hanging on to. I'd get your housegroup to pray with you in an ongoing way if you have one. Man's extremity is God's opportunity and I am sure you will find His guidance if you seek it.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

In your position I would not stay with such a man. However, if I did I would set clear conditions for this to carry on.
They would be thing like this.
He came back to you and lived with you. He told her that he was with you and that he wasn't going to leave you.
He was going to provide financially for the baby and come to an arrangement about visitation, AFTER there had been a paternity test.
He would spend no time alone with her in her home.
If he had visitation rights, then you would both go and collect the child an see him or her together at YOUR home.
He must tell her that he will never be with her as her partner.
Also there must be strict boundaries in place for future behaviour with other women.

I would not want this man to be the father of my children. I would not want this man to be my husband. He has no morals, no integrity and he lies cheats and deceives. I think he is stringing you along and telling you lies to be honest. He thinks things will change when the baby is here, they wont. She will carry on controlling and manipulating the situation making threats to to keep him around ie that she will take the child and go abroad etc, and that will last till the child is an adult.

I think you need to be strong and stop allowing this man to get away with his appalling behaviour.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

He is not the kind of guy that like to be told. If I set some kind of conditions to him, he will feel being controlled and he hates it then he will leaves me. I dont want to be a woman he thought I am, that is controlling etc. BUt you are right with all those boundaries to be set. I dont know how I can discuss this with him without him trying to shut me up or walk away.
I was even thinking maybe I should tell the OW myself or even trying to talk to his mom. BUt if he knows that I do that then he will get very angry with me and thinking that I am trying to change him or control him again. then he will walk away from me. I dont want that to happened. I feel like I am hanging in the fine line and anytime it can break and it will break me in the end. No support from my friends anymore and I have no one really to talk to about this. I am really hoping this forum can somehow help me to be strong with the decision I take to work on my marriage. Maybe in future if things work out then we will live together again. but at this moment everything seems to be in the air. He doesnt know what will happened when the child is born and how he or me will react to this mess. He knows it is a mess and he is not a good man to handle this, very selfish indeed. Please pray for me, show me some light, some hope maybe or a way for me to handle this and be strong.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

Sillybil you cannot set the controls or conditions Chosen mentions if you are afraid of him leaving. These would be conditions for him staying married to you or else the marriage if finished. Them or me in fact. If you are afraid of him leaving then you have no power to set the conditions which is where you are now. I think it is reasonable to require faithfulness from a husband or else you don't want to be married to him. Living with you is all part of a normal marriage. What wife would agree that the husband lives somewhere else? I think you sell yourself short and put up with things which are not right because you won't set conditions. If he refuses any reasonable conditions then you have to question whether he even values the marriage and where would that leave you?

I see no reason for you to hang on to him unless God is showing you to do so. If He does then I would guess there is a Damascus type experience for him down the road, but you have to be very sure it is God and not just your own weakness in staying with him.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I agree with Raymond. You are clinging onto him out of fear. You are prepared to have a bad marriage, and to allow him to act so badly because you are afraid of being alone.
Is he actually living with the OW and therefore committing adultery now? If he claims he is doing that so that she wont leave and take the child, then he isnt going to want to come back after the child is born either in case she leaves then. His fear of loosing this child will keep him bound to her and to having to please her, for good. She is controlling him and he is controlling you.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

He doesn't live with her. OW lives somewhere else which I don't know where. I left him and didn't tell him where I was as I was concern he would harass me while angry with me. So now we both have our own place and only trying to rekindle after the bad news. He is spending most his time with me but to me I want him to take the step to make us live together again. So he said maybe we lives together again when things worked out with us. I hate uncertainty. He wants the child to b born here so he can have rights to child. So he managed to make her stay put in the country. I'm worried she would b a problem and make things hard between us. Believe me I have thought about this all the time and I have every reason to walk away but somehow I can't. How do I know if this is God's will? I pray for his guidance every day. I don't want to feel like this anymore

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I think God's will grows on you if you are looking to Him and of course reading His word. His will will never contradict the word. Also He lets us do our part. We will be making decisions all day, but if we want God's will we will know it in our hearts. He always knows best. If you are looking to Him as a christian you will get some inkling of the way to go. Is your husband a christian? By a christian I don't mean just a nominal churchgoer but someone who has given their life to Christ and is trying to follow Him.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

Unfortunately he is not religious. I think he believes in God somehow. I pray for God to show me the way and to give me strength to go thru this. Please pray for me. I have a strong faith in Him and every time I speak to Him, I can feel God is with me. I keep looking for the answer if I should work on this marriage or walk away. It's been really heavy on me but I love him and I know my H loves me too and because of the strong feeling we have for each other, we tend to not wanting to let go of each other. Unfortunately bad things has happened but it can't be reversed now so I'm looking of a way to go past and move forward. God is my only strength and hope. I have no one to talk too so I'm looking forward to hear good advice or success story like my problem. I still have hope even though it sounds crazy

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

If your husband loved you, he would not have cheated. Sorry, but love is more that words.He is not acting with love at all.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I would never counsel s christian to marry a non christian. It means that you will be pushing different ways or as the scripture says unequally yoked. Nevertheless God meets you where you are whatever the past. Of course we will pray.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

NO and that is why God tells us not to.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

If he doesnt love me, he would've been with the other woman starting new life, why would he bother to want to be with me after all these years and we have been thru rough patch for a while, once we said it is over then the next we were back again. It seems to me there is this pull from somewhere that makes me or him to get back together again, whatever it is, I cant tell you. And no matter how hard I try to get away from him, somehow I am brought back to him or vice versa. Is this mean faith? I dont even know. I know it is hard and I cannot come to term to accept the mess he made. Would you forgive and move forward? Anyone able to do that? I know I will not be happy if I walk away that's why I am not prepared to walk away. As much as so many people tell me to leave him, it is so easy to say, it is the hardest thing to do it. And when you dont feel right doing it, why should I listen people tell me what to do with my life? They dont know how I feel. I am not happy right now due to the circumstances. Where do you go from here? I know my H is not a very nice person and very stubborn, so why is he getting away and get what he wants while I am suffering?

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

because you are letting him. No, its not easy to walk away. Married couples have a strong bond, but what he did actually breaks the covenant.
Only you know if you can cope with her being in your life for the next 18 or so years.
As you are living apart, do you even know where he goes and what he does? How often does he see her? Is he going round to her house? Are they still having sex?
The thing is he is lying to her, telling her that the marriage is over. He isnt even prepared to stand up for you or the marriage.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

It is not faith Sybil the fact that you are ending up together. Faith in God comes from the heart and is something we believe and act on. Observing that you end up together doesn't necessarily mean it is of God. Many women are stuck in this position and don't have the courage or inclination to leave.

Yes we have seen some on here forgive their partners after adultery and the marriage was saved but that is where there was sincere repentance which led to a mind change on how to behave in that area. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. We can forgive but still separate because of adultery.

It seems you have chosen to stay with him and that is your choice. If you think you have his sincere repentance that is up to you. To me it seems as if he is not considering his marriage or your feelings by the way he is handling this problem.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

He is the most selfish person I've known in my life who wants everything to be his way or no way. He has done a lot of bad thing but always managed to shift the blame to me. I am only waiting until oneday, my feelings turn other way and stopped loving him which will make it so much easier for me to go. I know it is not ideal for me to stay with him, he doesnt treat me right. I only take some of the good things he's done to me. He does spend most of his time with me. I dont know if he visit the OW. I am only going by how I feel everyday, someday I feel extremely insecure thus I would be very negative and started to ask questions which he doesnt like. THe point is why would you get so offensive if you dont do nothing wrong. I dont trust him and I want to learn to trust him again. I would go if I have the courage to do it. BUt I am not strong enough, I let myself to suffer this way, it is my fault. I feel stuck and has no where to turn. I dont have any confident in myself that I will be ok or make myself be ok. What did I do to deserve this? He told me that he is not ready to move back in with me and it is good he has his own place now as he wouldnt want to be in the situation where I left him homeless again. So it was all my fault. He was never help me finding a place, and yes I told him I will do that but then we argued and I thought I should just not live with him to teach him a lesson. Boy, he is holding the grudge for sure. Now he is scared to be in that position which apparently my fault. But he forgot what terrible things he has done to me and our marriage. If I walk away, he is still be ok but I wont be ok.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

Have you ever asked Jesus into your life Sillybil? When you say you have nowhere to turn it makes me wonder who your faith is in. We don't have to trust in our feelings but in Him. Faith in Christ is what the Christian walk is all about. He has promised that He is an ever present help in time of need but we have to look to Him and trust Him to appropriate the help that He offers. Are you actually seeing that or do you need help from a good church who actually believes in the power of Jesus? I think if you get your relationship right with Christ the solutions to your problems will follow.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

I agree with Raymond, and its clear that you are in an unhappy marriage with a lying cheating and selfish man, who cares little for you and appears to have no repentance. You stay because you are very needy, not because it is the right thing to do. He probably knows that you are needy and thats why he walks all over you.

I know its hard. I had to seperate from my first husband after 23 years of marriage when I had three children to care for. I wont say it was easy, but it was the right thing, and now I have been very happily married to my second husband for coming up to 8 years.

However its that or stay with this man for good, and is he really who you want to be the father of your children? I wouldn't. You cant even trust him, and I don't blame you, neither would I.
Do you have friends, family or church family who you can go to for help and support? How about getting some counselling.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

God is the only thing keep me going. I believe in Him. My emotion is up and down, most down and it is so hard to keep sane while my closest friends turned their back on me when I told them I want to work on my marriage. NO one my H and everyone is trying to make me see. Yes I might me needy and insecure mostly. I even feel disgusted with myself that I choose to be walked all over by him. I go to counselling. I dont have any support from anyone else. My friends doesnt want to know me anymore. I feel so empty. I stay because I want to be happy with him and I want to try to make this marriage work. This is my second marriage and I feel like I am a failure.

Re: child produced from affair with married man
 

Correction, No one likes my H.