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-   -   Married and lonely (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=7614)

Shasha 6th April 2011 05:06 AM

Married and lonely
Hi there,
I have been married for almost thirteen yrs. I consider my husband to be a complete idiot and I can't understand why I had ever decided to marry him at all, in the first place. When I had met him in those days, he had hidden all those terrible faults & behaviours about himself. I now see this man as a completely different person, from what I thought he was. Today, I see him in a different light. He knows how to pretend & he has kept that up for years, until slowly, but surely, I began to see my husband for who he really is. *We have a beautiful 10 yr old son and my husband scarcely wants to do anything with him. He is a police officer and I understand when he comes home he is tired, but he hardly wants to take our son out to do fun things with him. I feel sorry for my boy and usually invite his friends home, so he can play and have a good time. I also allow him to visit his uncle's house, so they can do fun stuff together, like movies, shopping, visiting friends, etc. *
My husband is a total recluse and ignores me in the house. There is absolutely no romance, no petting, snuggling, kissing. It's almost as if we are like brother and sister in the house. Sex between us is non-existent and he does not communicate with me, etc. As far as I am concerned, our marriage is as dead as a door nail. He watches tv all day long and sits behind the computer hours on end. Over the years, I discovered he had another interest - porn. I was devastated at first when I discovered about this and have been trying to get him help a few years ago. He does not even have the occasional friend coming to the house to visit him. My love for this guy is very questionable. Now all I do is pray for a miracle for him to change, but fearful that he may never want to change and our marriage suffer even more as a result. As far as I am concerned we don't even have a marriage. Life is like hell living in the house with this man. I truly feel like I am one of the loneliest wives in the world and don't know what to do any more.*

chosen 6th April 2011 08:12 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Are you both believers?Do you both go to church?

Raymond 6th April 2011 01:09 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Your husband sounds very isolated Sasha. If he is still doing the porn that would enable his isolation even more. Do you think he is addicted to it? Is he a believer as Chosen has asked?

I think dealing with the porn is the main problem here. He could even be addicted to it. I would recommend the DVD Fireproof for you to both watch.

I think there can be grounds for divorce in some cases of porn where there is no attempt to beat the habit. It is mental adultery really, but one doesn't want to recommend that route unless it is inevitable.

Shasha 7th April 2011 05:59 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Hi there,
Yes, we both are born-again Christians. The church he used to attend was a brethren church, where women are not allowed to speak in church. I, on the other hand used to and still am attending a Pentecostal Church, here in London. He now comes to church with me, but lately he has refused to go and just stays home to watch football on tv. I do not believe my husband has any Christian conviction what-so-ever. He also takes me for granted most of the time and depends on me to do every around the house. When I leave things for him to do, he makes an issue about it and sometimes does not do it. I find that he is very unreliable and will not depend on him for anything. Right now I am just barely surviving in the house, trying to keep the relationship on mutual grounds more for my son's sake, as I do not want this to affect him in any way. I have thought of divocre, but I'm not yet ready for this, as I need to finish a course I'm doing in counselling, to get a better job. Then I believe I'll be able to say adios to that man. Only God knows, at this point. I feel so exasperated with all of this and never, ever thought my life would be like this today. I am already 47 years old and in just a few years time, I'll be 50. Who wants this sort of trouble anyway at this age? Thanks for listening, guys.

Forever 7th April 2011 08:55 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Hi Shasha,

I was married for twenty years to a man exactly like yours, cop, porn, withdrawn and indifferent, no spiritual convictions, no communication and sex only when he needed the release....because there were no computers for porn back then, only magazines which he kept at work. He left me with four children and never looked back. Seven years into the marriage, I became a Christian. He went to church for the appearance of it, but could not "connect" with God. He became jealous of my relationship with God (something real, vibrant and alive to me) and became even more withdrawn from the family. He did virtually nothing with our children, although he worked around the yard (probably as a good excuse to do nothing with the children or me).

Then one day after returning home from an appointment, I found myself locked out of the bank accounts and credit cards, and all his personal belongings were gone. He planned it to the tee. He came around three months later on Christmas day to tell me he wanted a divorce. I did not chase after him, call him ect...I just let him go. I knew in my heart that he was never there in the first place. He quickly started going out with women, dancing, and having company over....I could smell the barbeque from where our house was to where he stayed two houses away with his parents. He was a different person entirely, even had friends! It was as though he were waiting to be born for that whole twenty years. I waited five years to see if the Lord would do anything for us...then he got married.

Looking back, I think the Lord did us a painful but necessary favor. My husband simply was...not. I spent many years in the later years of our marriage angry, smoldering internally as you are doing now, yet I kept on serving him and being loving to him "as though" he were a different person. After he left...about a year, the Lord dealt with me regarding that anger (really frustration and grief in disguise), and that is when the terrible grief began. But the Lord is close to the broken hearted, and I did heal.

He is still not a Christian, but obviously happier than when he was with me. I seemed to represent a prison to him, perhaps because I was the stronger person in the mix...but I had to be.

I have no advice for you. I am sorry, but that is what we have the Holy Spirit for. I pray He gives you what you need to either endure this or to do whatever else He want you to do.

Shasha 8th April 2011 05:24 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Thanks for sharing your story. I know God gives everyone a different experience, in different measures, according to what they can bear. I continue to trust the Lord for His guidance, although living like this is not easy. Thanks again for your story. God bless.

Raymond 8th April 2011 05:56 PM

Re: Married and lonely
I consider my husband to be a complete idiot and I can't understand why I had ever decided to marry him at all, in the first place.

Although I do sympathise with your situation Sasha I think the above kind of thinking could derail your cause if you are not careful. Who knows what God can do if you start praying for him.

Chamomile 8th April 2011 08:11 PM

Re: Married and lonely

I wonder if it might be better to separate from him than living with a man you are positively angry at? It's a bad mental health. This guy would be forced to reassess his vital role in the household once he's alone? You need to stop running after him. He is an adult he ought to take care of himself. If he's addicted to porn and is undermining you then, you ought to drop your commitment level as well. Living in a very unhealthy relationship can ruin your spirutal well-being, as Raymond raised this. It might be worth distancing yourself before things start to upset you even more.

Shasha 9th April 2011 06:04 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Hi guys,
I used the word idiot in my first story to indicate how selfish, foolish and even blind this husband of mine is, to not appreciate his family.

He does not know how good he has it, until something terrible goes wrong, God forbid. For example, he does not appreciate me as his loving wife, who would do anything to make our marriage work, including seeking counselling, praying and just making peace in the home by treating him right.

In addition, he's got a beautiful, striving young son that God has tremendously blessed us with. You could not have asked for a better child. Yet, there are many people out there, who would just die for a family like ours.

Some people face so many difficulties in their lives. Dealing with issues such as disability, physical suffering and ailments, financial problems, sometimes even death in the family, etc. and yet they can still testify of their loyalty and commitment to their families, no matter what. Some husbands and fathers out there would make great sacrifices to keep their families together.

But, as we all know, people like my husband does not get it. He does not understand that he needs to treat others right, especially your family and loved ones. As he shared with me, when he was growing up he had his bread buttered for him and his siblings and they never had to lift a finger. His parents spoiled them rotten and I believe this is why they learned to take things and people for granted.

His younger brothers are both single and still live in their motherís houses (as they have two properties, simultaneously). His younger brother still allows his mother to do his laundry and cook for him. Theyíve always had someone to pick up after them. Both their parents are still alive, whereas my dad passed away some years ago and one of my sisters.

Therefore, I have experienced tragedy in my family. I do appreciate life and those around me. I have been through thick and thin, growing up into an adult and know the pains, sorrows and also joys of life. My husband has never gone through half of what Iíve been through.

I have been praying for him and us and will continue to pray, although I think more is needed besides praying. Prayer moves mountains, but God also gives us wisdom and a will to choose what is right or wrong for ourselves, with His guidance, of course. The decision is left with us to decide what path is right to take when facing difficult situations and I hope the Lord will guide me accordingly.

Thanks for sharing.

Raymond 9th April 2011 09:06 AM

Re: Married and lonely
I understand a little more from where you are coming from Sasha. You mean he is an idiot for not appreciating the good that is around him. At first it seemed as if you were writing him off as an idiot.

It is true that a bad upbringing can make or break you so you are doing well to overcome. Having a good upbringing is not bad in itself and does give certain advantages but not if one is spoilt. I was watching Joyce Meyer last night and she shared how she had been raped about two hundred times by her father. She is a living trophy of the grace of God.

Is seems to me that your husband once had a faith but now seems to be backsliding? You said he used to go to the brethren. Did he actually have a relationship with the Lord or was it just religion? There's nothing like religion to close one off to the reality of God. That happened to me in part through Catholic influence which was just religion but no power. The version that I got in a convent anyway.

No doubt you are praying for him, but he still has a choice whether he will respond to God's promptings. The thing that bothers me most is this pornography as that is mental adultery. Things like that can kill off a marriage and regularly do. If he is trying to get victory over it that is different.

All in all I think it is a question of his faith and this pornography. I think there will be a difference between a backslider and someone who has never known God.

Well done for doing things with your son.

Shasha 11th April 2011 09:14 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Thanks Raymond for understanding.
My husband has seasons when he does things and I am still worried about the porn stuff. :mad:
I will be going to see a counsellor, as I do not have anybody close that I could seriously speak with concerning my problems. I'm not sure how this will work, but I am hoping, he, my husband will come along at some stage for counselling.
Please do pray that the Lord will soften his heart and he will agree to some form of counselling. As it stands we do not have a relationship, but just living as housemates, so to speak.

I am mainly interested right now, in him getting the help he needs, as I see he has a serious problem. If I don't help him, I don't think anyone else in his immediate circle will be able to. They would just deny he ever has a problem and he would probably take this to his grave, presumably.
Also, Iím doing this for my son, who loves his dad, but he, my husband does not know how to express and return that kind of love to me and my son. What a pity. He took my son to church on Sunday. We woke up to do a few bits and pieces around the house.
Although I am appreciative, I donít seem to care that much, whether he does anything or not, as I usually do everything, anyway. :(

Iím married to a log and at the moment there is nothing I can do to change him, he has to make up his mind to change, at this point.

Yes, I believe my husband only has a form of religion, but no real conviction. I have never seen or heard my husband cry. I have probably seen one or two tears, if he is watching something sad on TV, but that is all.

As a friend of mind described him one day, she says he has a very hard and cold heart. That is so true. Nothing ever comes out of my husbandís mouth to compliment me or make me feel good about myself. If he ever does, he would probably make a great effort to say something nice, but that is very rare. When was the last time he did that? I donít know!?!

God bless and thanks for listening.
Shasha :)

Raymond 11th April 2011 10:04 PM

Re: Married and lonely
I think you have to encourage and be appreciative of the little he does do Sasha. I think you need to encourage it. I think what you say with your lips is powerful over a long period. I think personally that there is power in a woman's tongue to affect her husband through encouragement as opposed to nagging. Showing appreciation for the small things like taking your boy to church. Did he stay as well? If so it would be something to pray over anything he heard. You may think it is not much and he needs to do a lot more but I think that could lead to conflict. Encouragement is the way.

Maybe he has never really been a christian and needs to come into a personal relationship. The scripture shows that you can affect him by the way you lead your life.

With regard to the porn you really need to confront this. Not necessarily in a militant way but firmly. It is no way for a husband to behave and it does need to be confronted.

It will be great if you can have counselling together if he will go.

Basically I think that if you are only going to dwell on his faults you are isolating your self and not working on the marriage. I know that the faults are there but you need to look for the good and encourage it.

Shasha 12th April 2011 06:10 AM

Re: Married and lonely
Yes, I see what you are saying, about me encouraging him, which I do from time to time.
The thing is that this should be an everyday occurrence, for him to help around the house. I don't want to seem patronizing or anything like that. What I've noticed is that whenever I say thanks to him for helping, he thinks he's doing it for me and then backs off from helping.
So whenever he does anything I don't say thank you to him, but to God. My husband is old enough to know that he should be loving and helpful, without anyone spoon-feeding him. After all, it's like having a second child in the home! Sometimes you've got to exercise tough love. God is able and I can certainly depend on Him to do a mighty work in our situation and hopefully a miracle.
What I'm really hoping for and what I truly want, is a good question, as I can't really say at this point. However, I certainly would like God's perfect will to be done, first of all and secondly for my husband to change to be a better father to our son.
Then I would like him to stop his hostility towards me, to treat me right and with respect, to stop taking me for granted and to stop his hyprocisy. Most of all for him to have a convicted heart to surrender all his fears to the Lord and to commit his life to Jesus. Then I believe everything else will fall into place. His salvation should be sure in Jesus.

Raymond 12th April 2011 08:55 AM

Re: Married and lonely
I have to be brief here Sasha as I am rushing off to work. I may come back to it.

What I see is you setting a certain standard in your mind and you get upset because he falls short of it. I don't think it works this way. Marriage is accepting the other as they are and where they are faults and all. That's how Christ accepted us didn't he? Isn't that the starting point? Do you work a certain kind of rejection because he doesn't measure up to the standards you have in his mind for him.

This is all porn aside as I think that is on a different level and can be a mental adultery which is unfaithfulness, but there may be issues there in the marriage which are affecting him. Must go now. Beaten by the clock.

God bless

Chamomile 12th April 2011 05:16 PM

Re: Married and lonely
Yes. That is partly why I would have thought that having some time out from each other, would be of benefit as this will give each other some space and time to mull things over without all that constant thought of anger and frustration. It's not a good place to be.

Take care.

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