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Chamomile 16th August 2011 09:39 AM


Originally Posted by Helen_uk (Post 64949)
He had a shop in The Marlands shopping centre and one in Totton until a couple of years ago , but he sold band merchandise rather than vinyl .

The recession hit him pretty bad so now he just has the websites , which don't come with a £40,000.00 a year rent !

I'm the same with doctors Chamomile ( of which I've seen a lot lately ! ) I do prefer them to be older .. They always seem more experienced then .

Hi Helen xoxoxox

Shame about the recession and unique stores hit hard by it :( There used to be more interesting stores and when their lease runs out, they seem to be forced out. It's excellent your man is wise enough to continue online to keep ppl happy with rock music merchandise. :) xxx

What you said made me re-think, thank you, Helen. xx I'm no good judge of character when it comes to medical professionals. (I'm in fact quite naive in that front x) Are you seeing any Specialists at the moment? (please no need to reply on here due to lack of privacy) Please DO email me if you can, Helen.

I agree, there are doctors who seem to understand patients well and others who just irritate patients LOL LOL


Chamomile 16th August 2011 09:43 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Originally Posted by 1aokgal (Post 64966)
I think that volunteer work is a great thing. I worked a phone line years ago at a Suicide Crisis Centerand often manned the overnight shift as that was a high stress time for callers. I was a full time mature working student, and had just had met my husband. He took me to morning coffee more than once when my nerves were jangled from those calls. It was good to help others.

So if you can, beyond your own troubles, lift anothers' burden or go beyond self, than do it. We talk about what we wish was different. Make it different for yourself. Truth is, we can't change another. Let them be reponsible for their own space and choices. I will live for me. Perhaps that is selfish? It seems fruitless to ask another to give you what they will not. I am happy with my space and what I have around me. It does take a little work to think through to serenity.


I'm not sure but I seem to remember Pat is working full-time?

Greetings Pat. Enjoy the supportive Room :)

Helen_uk 16th August 2011 10:50 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Hi Chamomile,

I have a lovely specialist in Coventry and also an excellent GP, whom I've been a patient of since I was 15 so he knows me inside out, literally ! I have a temp doctor in S'oton at a good practice and who've seen me quite a few times whilst I've been at my fiancé's ... they've also arranged hospital appointments for me here when necessary , which is above and beyond what a temp GP would normally do.

I'm more comfortable talking to medics who are older than me ( younger ones feel like I'm discussing things with my son ! ) but of course as we get older, doctors, along with policemen seem to get younger lol.

As far as mental health care is concerned it's even more vital you feel comfortable with the person you're confiding in , so it's not just about qualifications . ... although I would recommend they be registered with their professional body ( just in case of complaint ) . I've had more than one psychologist treat me for depression as the first ones I didn't feel comfortable with. I think you make much better progress if it feels they have empathy for you.

Baroness 16th August 2011 03:26 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
I don't think I'm going to be posting on this thread for awhile. I am very depressed and don't really want to talk to anyone. After he basically blamed me for our financial situation (losing my job) I have felt terrible and useless in that I can't find a job and I can't do anything about my back. He did say it was no ones fault and yet he was saying that he's frustrated.

He always told me it was no problem. He has the funds to cover everything and while it doesn't leave us with a lot, we manage. I feel empty inside and very old. I look at my face in photos and I have the circles under my eyes and I realized I'm never going to look young again. Not that its a big surprise but I'm thinking now that him not making love to me has nothing to do with ed.

I think its because he is no longer attracted to me. I know other men are but that isn't the point. I have never felt such depression in my life. I don't care about anything and I don't want to talk to anyone, especially him. Once again he has changed things and once again he's made it worse.

Helen_uk 16th August 2011 03:34 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
I'm so sorry to hear that Baroness , please don't feel you can't post here if you're feeling depressed . Sometimes it's good to just get that frustration out .

I hope that if you do decide you don't want to post you are getting support from somewhere .

Hugs for you.

chosen 16th August 2011 04:02 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Could you go and stay with your mum again for a while? She helped you so much last time and she seems to have an amazing faith. It would give you both a break from all this, and some time of reflection and time to spend with God as well.

1aokgal 16th August 2011 04:51 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Dear Baroness...

Is that a "girl thing" we put it all on how we look, or our feminity in a relationship? What about who cares what he thinks? I do think this... and maybe it is not good for your to hear? You both drank together and that was fun and he was exciting then and macho. You had a good job and living together was balanced because you knew he didn't talk a lot but was fun after a few drinks. His personality and charisma to you was good.

Ok, you are both older. Now you are unemployed and with health problems. A full time job is questionable, even if they showed up at your door with promise of a paycheck! One thing there you can improve.
Him? You can't change him. Anybody who drinks as a couple will find that if one withdraws from that part of the relationship, they strip away an element that both enjoyed previously. In come cases, the drinker will attempt to get the other back to the party.

You are seeing the world unfiltered by licquor and he is not the fascinating one! What is the truth? We see what attracted us to someone, and later it is those things that cause the problems! How strange is that! Maybe your man is moody because there are NOT two incomes. You both have to make adjustments as others do today. If you put life all around HIM, you will be disappointed.

Often couples can smoke, because licquor pairs well with smoking, I am told. That can run the budget per person in the US at almost $6 a pack per day or $180.00 month for one. That is an expensive hobby. (I think the majority are now non-smokers, as so many work places don't tolerate it). People are forced to cut back or quit. My husband was a former smoker, not heavy, but a point of conflict between us. He got a shove to quit when the ships in the merchant fleet went non-smoking. There are months at sea and without that crutch. The unions did not want the health claims.
It is also not cheap to go out to a club for an evening for a couple. Licquor and snacks doesn't fit often in the budget for many.

You can change some factors of your life where it concerns the things you do now to enjoy your time and bring in income. All of life is making changes and adapting. Perhaps it was an advantage for him to pair himself with a woman who brought half her income in to support the house. Maybe that was part of the deal at that time? Things change and people have to do the same.

Yes, life sucks. We get up, dust ourselves off and see what we can do to make it better. You are a DOER and not a passive lady. That is part of your charm. Do what you can and blow the rest to GOD. Have a good day.

Chamomile 16th August 2011 06:14 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Originally Posted by Helen_uk (Post 64977)

I have a lovely specialist in Coventry and also an excellent GP, whom I've been a patient of since I was 15 so he knows me inside out, literally ! I have a temp doctor in S'oton at a good practice and who've seen me quite a few times whilst I've been at my fiancé's ... they've also arranged hospital appointments for me here when necessary , which is above and beyond what a temp GP would normally do.

I'm more comfortable talking to medics who are older than me ( younger ones feel like I'm discussing things with my son ! ) but of course as we get older, doctors, along with policemen seem to get younger lol.

As far as mental health care is concerned it's even more vital you feel comfortable with the person you're confiding in , so it's not just about qualifications . ... although I would recommend they be registered with their professional body ( just in case of complaint ) . I've had more than one psychologist treat me for depression as the first ones I didn't feel comfortable with. I think you make much better progress if it feels they have empathy for you.

Hi Helen xxx

Thank you so much for your wise suggestions as always :) I'm so pleased that you have got excellent GPs who understand your medical needs. It must be very reassuring for you to have access to services in your new location. For people like your good self or myself, hospitals/GP surgeries are rather quite important lol It's useful to know that there will be excellent support and services where you are moving to in advance.

I saw a lot older nurse today in my new GP Surgery. She was very nice and much older and she was slightly slower than younger counterparts but there was something really lovely about the way she was. Yes, it does make a world of difference when a service provider can offer such elusive quality such as empathy. Yes, you are so right about the qualification of psychologist. I'm now on the look out for a lot older, wiser psychologist.

Thank you for your advice, Helen xxxxxx

Baroness 16th August 2011 11:35 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Helen, I was only going to take a break but I decided to post since I have to reply to the comments just posted. Thank you for your concern but I think I will be all right. We talked about the finances again today and he said he was just venting but at least he's talking.

Chosen, I can't keep running off to my Mom's every times things get a little tough here. My place is to be with him, no matter how difficult things are right now. The time at my mom's was nice because I got to spend time with her and got closer to God. I have not slacked off in reading the bible and praying and I can talk to my mom on the phone. Running away isn't going to help. I'm sure you meant to just get a change of scenery but I just did that.

You are right, 1aokgal, with your suggestions on cutting down certain things. He only drinks for a day or so every other weekend so it isn't like he's constantly drinking beer, not like before. And yes, he smokes when he drinks so it can get expensive. However; he is the same man I met years ago and I had no illusions about him but didn't expect this problem.

I guess I was expecting everything to be perfect when we moved in together and of course it can't be perfect. The whole world is going through a hard time right now, some more than others, and I'm sure there are people worse off than me. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be learning through all this?

How to live without a lot of money? I've done that my whole life and had to fight for every dime. I'm sure many of you have done the same. I have to just do the best I can. Its upsetting when he talks like this because worrying about things isn't going to change them. I feel so weary with all this.

I just want to have a little fun. I'm meeting my best friend tomorrow and she's taking me to breakfast so maybe that will cheer me up.

chosen 17th August 2011 08:37 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
I wasnt suggesting running away, but visiting your mum for a short holiday break. We all need a holiday sometimes.Maybe you could both go for a break there. Sometimes getting away from home for a couple of weeks, enables us to see things from a different perspective.

Yes money isnt everything. God and people and family and friends are far more important than money. As long as we have enough for paying bills, food, a car etc then we have enough. As you say, worrying wont change anything.

I am sure you will enjoy seeing your friend. I love going out for coffee with my friends, We women love a good chat dont we.

1aokgal 17th August 2011 03:47 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Hi All..

Pals are wonderful and always good for a laugh and a lift. It was funny, but I woke this morning from nightmare and was so glad to find it wasn't real! Someone stole my purse, wallet, with all credit cards and cell phone. In the dream I ran around in this business and managed to locate the now empty bag. I was distressed as I searched for a phone to report the cards stolen so they couldn't be used. My little Schi Ztsu dog, Cleo, who died years ago, was in the dream and I had insecurity to lose her as well.

Now, there is symbolism in dreams. A purse dream means SEX. That is a disappointment! How come I don't get a spicy visual sex dream like Baroness? :D I think this night time drama resulted from my expensive car repair last week. Then I had to spend $750 to replace a needed pool cleaning machine yesterday. A dream was in response to those concerns and the fact I will need to produce more in my business to compensate for extra expenses. The only part of the dream that wasn't bad, was I got to hold in a big hug that funny sweet little dog with her fur flying as she jumped into my lap. She had one albino eye and was a quite funny looking little dog. I was broken hearted when she died and kept a ribbon bow she wore in her topknot after her grooming trips. The dream reunited us for a hug of her furry body and a face lick. That part was wonderful.

We all have concerns for the insecure reality of our lives. The rich worry about how they will keep more of what they have, and regular people worry about how we get from one crisis large or small to the next. I see possibility in everything I can do to improve a situation. My business is my creativity as I locate a buyer for what I can produce. Sure beats the years I stood on my feet and worked for another! It is just that I have to keep control of my time and put it to good use. Since I enjoy to make things all I have to do is match an outlet to the product. Right now consignment shops seek fall goods and I have started to reduce the closets and get rid of the extra. One can donate all that extra stuff to a charity outlet and take the tax writeoff, which is easy, or press and hang clothing and get them to a shop.

I also cut clothes apart and use the fabric for a handbag lining or small lap quilts. My daughter dropped off her used blue satin bridesmaid dresses. I can sell them or there are some great material for Victorian bonnets and lining material. When I was super poor, years ago and moved in with a relative, I got my little sewing machine and made 57 patchwork Teddy bears with button eyes and cute embroidery noses. I sold them all in a few days and had orders for more. Creative women can
see possibility everywhere. How we define life is whether we can make something better from what we have.

My daughter who has a great job, moonights home decorating jobs with her buddy for other friends. Then on the side of all that she bakes the most gorgeous decorated cakes for others. Her creations are impressive with sugar flower bedecked cupcakes and sweet candies and makes a constant flow of sideline income with her customer orders. She removed all her cable TV stations, as she said she didn't need to spend the money, and doesn't have time for TV. Her favorite times are really long bike rides with several friends and she stays in geat shape with that. So creative women can make a difference with great ideas to change an attitide of poverty. Life is possibility and unlimited in resources.

Baroness 18th August 2011 12:01 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
I just went to my mom's in the later part of July and she is some distance away and I miss my home when I'm not here and I miss him too although I don't know why. I had a good time with my friend today, we went to breakfast and talked about her life and mine and she said I should come over more often and I think I will.

You are very creative, 1aokgal, and I enjoy reading about your past life and what you did to earn money. My friend told me she was watching a news show and they said that the longer you are without work and the older you get its harder to get a job. I said what about experience? I have 20 years of clerical experience and she said they didn't mention that but they want young women rather than older ones.

I said, Excuse me, I'm not an older woman! She is secure in her job for the state and she is 3 years younger than me. I go to a new doctor tomorrow and we'll see what he says. I can sit for long periods of time but the standing and stooping is a problem.

I finished my third hat and it looks great. I didn't touch it for days and then forced myself to sit and do it and once I did I was caught up in it so I'm not so depressed anymore but I really don't want to be around him right now. He just reminds me of what I don't have and our situation really isn't okay with me, no matter how much of a brave front I put up.

I'm being honest in how I feel. I wish I could just hand it over to God and not think about it but that isn't possible for me. I have to face facts. I realize now he's been worried about the finances but dumping it on me didn't make me feel good and in fact depressed me. I keep forgetting that he cares little for what I feel.

However, I have a new hat to start and can't be bothered with dwelling on his inadequacies. If I could support myself right now I would be living alone. I would ask him to leave because he said I would have to be the one to end it and he would leave. Maybe its a good thing I don't have the finances to support myself because this relationship would be over and I'm not sure that is the thing to do.

But because I'm frustrated and upset I want a change and me living alone is definitely a change but I think I would miss him. However; we don't seem to have anything together anymore. We have nothing in common and are as different as night and day and before you say that isn't grounds for breaking up, I already know that.

Often times I thought I would like to be free, whether or not there was a man in my life. And other times I look at him and remember how proud I was that he was mine. We are getting along okay now but I didn't need for him to make me feel bad for nothing working at a 9-5 job. A lot of people just say things without considering how the other person is going to feel.

I know that God will help me with whatever direction my life takes. I would like me and him to work out but this is a very odd relationship and there has been no affection in several days and I don't care to show any affection just to feel like I shouldn't have wasted my time. I show him my hat creations and he just nods.

I try to make polite conversation sometimes and he just nods. I feel like I'm bothering him, taking him away from his movie or whatever. But I am relieved to say that I am not in a deep depression anymore. I can't believe how much I've had to go through lately. Everything hit at once. For a couple of years this no sex thing has been going on but there was still an effort.

Now there is no effort and I had to face the facts. So I am immersing myself into creative things and things that make me happy. I am not the type to be down for long. Even though I have many obstacles in my way on the path of my life, I will either jump over them or go around them but I will continue on the path of my life.

I can make my life beautiful. I can create things of beauty and write fantastic novels and get out in the sunshine and do fun things, breathe deeply and hold on to the good things in life. I'm trying to lighten up a bit and be thankful for what I can do and even for what I have. I do have very nice things in this home, things that matter to me and I have hope that I will have a successful hat making business.

1aokgal, I wanted to ask you, when you first started sewing clothes and bonnets and such, how long did it take before it was profitable to you? I know you've been doing this for a long time and I was just curious as to how long it took. I have to admire you for the path you have chosen. Here you are with a man who hasn't been with you physically in a long time but you carried on and turned your attention and talents into something successful.

I admire a woman who can do that. There are some who get so depressed that they turn to alcohol or drugs and sit around and feel sorry for themselves or run to get out of the situation. It must have taken a lot of courage to stay. You are what I call a survivor. You will always come out on top and I'm sorry you've had to deal with the things in your life, from your husband and other things, because I think you deserve all the happiness in the world.

We don't know why we have to endure things like this from a man we loved for a long time, and we might not even know the real reason why this is happening. No matter how I rant and rave and get upset and down, I can't allow this to destroy me, to make me feel bad about myself in any way. I know my self worth and no one can take away my integrity and honor and knowledge.

There is a great distance between me and him and part of it is because I took control of my own life and refused to let him run my life. I took up a project I enjoy very much and I do not whine about how things are financially. I just deal with it like I always have. I hope for the best but make things work with what I have.

I'm a Leo and we take charge and accomplish things and for too long I have wrapped my whole existence and thought into this man. No more. I trust God to help me and he has and I trust my own instincts and my instincts are telling me he doesn't deserve me. I have been kind and thoughtful and loving even knowing that I can't have the relationship I want.

I have been gracious in that I haven't made him feel less a man because of it. I have supported him and put him first in my actions and thoughts and he has in turn treated me like a roommate. I have often thought he is ruining my life and I have to stop him from doing that. I am stronger than he is so I don't need his presence in my life, I just want it, that's all.

But like the song says, 'you can't always get what you want'.

1aokgal 18th August 2011 03:31 AM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Hi Baroness...

I am glad you go back to your projects. A creative endeavor removes you from conflict and gives one peace. My creations have always been well received with items in damand as few others make these things. I use an assembly line system to cut them in numbers, then designed them to look different saving time. My items sell easily, and I take orders.

I hate to work by a deadline so set a wide window of time as getting behind causes me stress. I design/create theatre costumes and wedding dresses which are pricey and sell. It is easier for me to make a ready made size and any custom made for figure types I charge much more to do. I also find dealing with customers takes patience. I get payment or deposit prior to the article made. The deposit is non-refundable. One wanted a special color in an item. She thinks I would make it and send her photos! I sent her a payment invoice and she didn't pay it. She might still be waiting. I don't buy fabrics, make the item, and send photos for customer approval prior to payment!

First thing you need is the terms of sale/rules for your business. You advise the customer how you work, what you expect and how many days before you expect payment. You state clearly the terms of payment you accept and then make the best photos and description of the item. A good professional image will win confidence and make sales.

I created only custom millinery for Victorian, Civil War and Edwardian items at first. They are authentic in design, fabric and construction and clientele love them and order more. The dresses are sold as fast as I make them. This is no easy dress construction with antique patterns and a bodice which is lined, interlined and boned with steel boning, just as the old one were made.

To make a profit Confucious would say, "to MAKE more, you SPEND less than you make." Initially there are start up costs. You invest in good tools as sharp scissors and patterns. My bonnets are constructed with millinery wire, buckrum and mulling/fleece or padding. These can be made by you initially with hand sewing and use wide ribbon for ties. A sewing machine is a needed investment. I keep a bookeeping system for expenses and income. I can tell you more of the details by email. They say," if one makes a good mousetrap the world will beat a path to your door." A good product, well displayed and priced right, will sell. So getting the equation right, one learns.

Like any venture, time management is important. I have no children home but I placed an advertisement to sell one of my dogs. She requires more time and attention then I have to put into her. I can't break up my work time to pull her in from barking constantly. I need uninterrupted work time. I will place her in a home where she can be shown and get to training sessions as she is an active show dog.

I read articles and talk to others and keep an eye on products in the field. I make some varied items so that gives fresh interest and I don't get stagnant. Then there is the philosophy of "passive income." This is kind of a joke, but I break it down this way, "Let me, or let others work." That is why I introduced drop shipping of other products because I wanted income easy that didn't rest on my efforts. Let us say that is where one gets "easy money." It can also mean one invests back into the business for a better profit margin.

The main thing to remember is that you have the power to change some things, not all. I can change my attitude. I choose to not be at the whim of another and not be a reacter. I choose to have things that work for me and I can control how well that works for me. It takes mind control to have an attitude of prosperity. That is a biblical concept and one that works. I'll Let somebody else elaborate on that, but it is a principle that helps in business and in life. There is energy derived from the attitude of prosperity which attracts in the universe abundance and plenty.

If one sees everything as a struggle and in a negative manner, this creates poverty and unhappiness. A person will never create prosperity until they stop courting poverty. The mind cannot grasp that theory until they believe the universe carries abundance. The mind has to believe, to achieve. I see creativity as God keeping my hands and mind active, and that has been a blessing and a reward.

Baroness 18th August 2011 10:36 PM

Re: Husband doesn't want sex
Good advice as usual and thanks for sharing. I went to the doctor today thinking that it was a one time deal but it turns out I qualify for health insurance on a permanent basis because of Obama so now I have my own insurance and my doctor has already set up a mamogram appointment which is important since my mother had breast cancer.

I have to obtain some paperwork by the 1st of September and it requires traveling to get it. He took me to the doctor but was ranting and raving about the finances again and I got upset with him. He's talking about putting our stuff in storage and giving up the apt. if the government takes more money out of his checks.

If that happens I will not go to a motel with him to live until things are better, I will go to my mom's and that will be the end of this relationship. I'm sick of his defeatist talk and his the glass is not only half full, but has totally evaporated!

As I've said, we have nothing really between us anymore so when I can afford to live on my own, whether it be disability, my business or a job, I will go it alone because he is only bringing me down and not offering anything to me as far as any effort to be with me.

I will email you because I don't think everyone is interested in what is happening with my new hat. When we got home from the doctor I got the electric bill and I have a credit for the deposit I put down and so now I won't have to pay that bill for 3 months! That is a bill I pay so that gives me more money. It's been a good day except for his lousy attitude.

Once I get the insurance card I will get an extray of my back but meanwhile my attorney is going forward with my case. I am hopeful about my future but this man is weighing me down, robbing me of my positive attitude and sidetracking me from enjoying making my hats. He just sits there in front of the tv but now he isn't talking because he's worrying about things that might not even happen.

I'm tired of him upsetting me and making no effort except to bring doom and gloom into my life. I think in the long run I will be better off. Things can change and if they do and he wakes up then fine, but I have to have a plan. As far as i'm concerned he's cheating on me with m. His negativity is oppressing me and life doesn't have to be like this.

I dont know what he did with the money from his attorney but suddenly he's ranting and raving about having no money and we've been managing for quite awhile. Perhaps he isn't being honest in what is happening with his finances or perhaps he's worried the government will take some more money. I said 'Jesus!' and he said he had nothing to do with it and I said that's where your wrong.

Have a little faith, dude!

chosen 18th August 2011 11:16 PM

It sounds as if you are both pulling in opposite directions, and that will never work. Can you guys find a good marriage counselor, and maybe with a third party you can communicate better. Do you really want yet another marriage break up? It just seems so sad to talk about ending this when you seem to think such a lot of each other.

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