2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/index.php)
-   Marriage Help (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=13)
-   -   Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=6261)

Dave 17th August 2009 09:45 AM

Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Just occasionally an article comes up that really causes us to stop and think.

If your partner has just said those "I don't love you any more" words, read this article and reflect on your next move.

Dave

RayCub 17th August 2009 12:28 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Could've used this article six months ago.

Sad to know it's too late now.

Raymond 17th August 2009 01:14 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
That's a very good article Dave and makes a lot of sense. It must have taken a lot of faith for her to carry it through.

Raymond

georgie 17th August 2009 01:38 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
I did not have the emotional maturity when I heard 'the speach' to react in this way, I responded like a wounded child, and am still trying to grow beyond that. I can relate more and more to the adage that 'youth is wasted on the young'. My STBX had his mid life crisis meltdown and I guess it triggered a mid life crisis response in me, I think my pride and fear of abandonment ironically helped drive in the wedge; of course there was another woman involved, so I did not have his full attention, I don't think he would have registered the responses this lady gave her husband, my H's mind was already elsewhere. It was food for thought though, I'm going back and forward as to how I feel about it to be honest. I'm glad it worked out for them, I hope it helps others too.

crush 17th August 2009 10:10 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
I have to agree with Georgie, mine also had his attentions elsewhere, and even if I had tried to prevent him leaving it would have done absolutely no good. He was going no matter what. The article is endearing in so much as she was willing to sacrifice her pride and dignity in being allowed to be treated in such a way. I admit yes he had a problem but what of her life. Yes it worked out and I am very glad but it must take a very patient and understanding person to allow that treatment for so long.

When my h said it to me I felt anger and so much hurt and felt I was worth more, much more and to be treated in such a way has to be questioned. Would he have stood by her in the same circumstances I wonder.

Raymond 18th August 2009 12:55 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Obviously the approach fitted her scenario perfectly in the fact that it was his problem that he said he didn't love her anymore etc. Sometimes people can perceive relationships through their problems which are personal to them and not particularly the others problem. Her faith and patience worked out for her.

Where you get adultery or unfaithfulness though that approach will not help as that will cut right into the intimacy of the marriage. One cannot help being affected if that happens. Crossing that line changes the whole scenario.

Raymond

arcos 18th August 2009 02:51 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
nice read....

but what happens if things don't work out that way? what then?

i would consider that this reflects in a way some of the efforts I made, some of the things in the article are very similar, although very different.

what happens when you fail?

i would suggest that, in some way, you actually feel worse than had you just let him/her go.

dare i forward this to 'her'? dare i risk more ridicule, more laughter at my expense, more spite?

Raymond 18th August 2009 07:22 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Nothing ventured nothing gained. Similar in a way to Fireproof. There are no guarantees but you have to risk it and try. A lot of times life rewards those who have the faith and the will to do the right thing. As I said if it is adultery or unfaithfulness it is a different ball game. Those are the things that lead to serious breakdown.

Raymond

MSC71 19th August 2009 08:48 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
That is similar to what happened with me. My wife told me the same thing "I don't love you" and after a few days of whining and begging I did alot of the things that women did. I had Faith that it would work out and instead of arguing, begging etc. I just started doing. Carrying on like a happy camper. Started making dinner and telling my wife she was welcome to eat with us at first. Lots of little things but she eventually started talking about the future too. Then one day she called me from work saying she had a revelation and that she did love me and she did need me.

Our marriage was very similar to Fireproof also. Not everything but I was a lot like the husband in the movie.

Raymond 20th August 2009 08:36 AM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Wow that's positive MSC. You must have a lot to contibute on here from your experiences.

Raymond

momof3 21st August 2009 09:17 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
That was a very good article to read. I can really see how it might apply in my situation. There are several similarities in the story hubby and mine, also in her and in me.

Thank you for posting that link. A lot of the literature you find on this sort of thing , seems to sort of be about drawing lines, setting boundaries, honoring your boundaries....IDK, maybe I've been reading the wrong stuff. :) I like the article because in her situation, she's right - for the benefit of the family.

Easy to read, much harder to practice I think.

jools 27th August 2009 04:04 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
I agree with Raymond about the adultery. This approach might indeed work where adultery is not part of the equation; unfortunately, when this "speech" is made there is usually someone else involved - even if it's not obvious at the time. Sadly so. However, I suppose it's worth a try. I also agree with Momof3 - hard to practice, indeed!
Jools X

Raymond 28th August 2009 12:55 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Good observation Jools. I like the way you invert this "speech". It is amazing how it keeps coming up again and again almost word for word. I mean "I love you but am not in love with you" speech. Many times there is no one else and then it hits through that there was after all. Very sad. I have to believe there are cases where there is not someone else but as you point out there often is, so the problem is unfaithfulness, not falling out of love, which is a flimsy thing to end a marriage on anyway.

I think people like you are becoming marriage experts but even so there are a lot of sad things to observe in human nature. No wonder christ offers us a new nature in himself.

Raymond

Raymond 28th August 2009 01:11 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Why is this a sticky thread and what does it mean?

Raymond

MSC71 30th August 2009 12:40 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Sticky thread just stays at the top at all times. That's all I know.

Raymond 31st August 2009 06:21 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Thanks MSC. I've seen it on other websites but never really knew what it was.

Raymond

Tom70 26th January 2010 09:31 AM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
It's so hard when you hear such words. I've heard them recently and am still recovering.

At some point to survive and not cause damage to yourself and others (as I'm doing) you must resort to higer values that transcend single human life: faith in God and belief that it all will makes sense and that you'll understand the sense one day is the daddy of all comforts. If you don't have that, try philosopy, art.

I'm dealing with a break-up and my (formally still, but in fact former) wife and decided to start a blog. Check it out if you like:

http://meshehim.blogspot.com

kazzieb 21st February 2010 08:11 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
That article is very interesting, I may try to give it a go myself. My husband told me he didnt love me last week but we are still living in the same house (although he is trying to get me to move out, cant be him because of issues with the tennancy agreement we have). I know (or am 99% sure) that there is no one else involved as he very rarely goes out on his own (unless he has met someone on facebook etc...). I have been putting off getting the wheels in motion so far and trying to act like nothing has happened although i have moments when i have had arguements with him, tears etc, when i feel there is no hope in him changing his mind. I may just try to keep the 'happy' act up as long as i can. Will let you know how i get on

lavene53 29th March 2010 08:40 AM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Read a comment in this thread that gave me the courage to ask this question as embarrassed as I may be. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Here goes:

In the time of rest and wait what happens to the sex????

Red blooded all, if he doing what he wants, when he wants with those thoughts going through his mind, I wouldn't feel open to be passionate with him and in effect vulnerable. The thought of giving him the keys and right to ALL areas is a scary thought however the effects of withholding can cause more damage and give hm more reason to run.

Of course the need comes around when I would be extremely ready for it and not care about situations of the day, but expectantly not as often for me as it does him. Sex would happen for the need of both of us and just for him, but at the back of my mind would be deep torment at points before during and after making ease not so easy.

Sometimes I HATE having the mind of a though-filled female in these respects but I do and cant do anything about it, so want to know how to make it work for me.

This may be a bit of a rant but i just had to get it out quickly before i decided to not post it.

Advice please.

Raymond 1st April 2010 12:41 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
I am not sure what you are saying exactly Lavene. (probably too many lengths at the pool). If you are saying does one have to remain open if a husband sleeps with someone else, then the answer is of course not. If that happens it is adultery and grounds for divorce. One can forgive of course but obviously the bedroom would be seriously affected. If there is no repentance from the one having the affair then the marriage has become a non marriage and a wife's sexual duty would not apply, otherwise a wife would just be a doormat.

Raymond

lavene53 2nd April 2010 07:54 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
No no...not saying he has had an affair.

I'm talking about when his mind is made up and I'm having to be patient and give him the period of freedom the article talks about. During this period I feeling emotionally unsupported...a real turn off SOMETIMES.

I guess im asking....How do I relax my mind and stop it from racing over everything I hate about him, its torment?

Raymond 6th April 2010 06:18 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Hi Lavene. Sorry I missed your answer. As this thread is always at the top I get in the habit of passing it.

Are you saying that your husband is saying he is not in love with you like in the article?

Personally I don't see your situation fits the article unless the above is true.

What seems to be happening here is that your husband seems to have an unhealthy desire to relate to the opposite sex. I don't think any wife would be happy with that. It seems that there may be a smokescrene of business going on but the underlying thing is still happening. We spoke that this could be coming from rejection perceived in his childhood but the twist with the female interest is another thing on top of it, but maybe coming out of it. Whether he has rejection or not doesn't justify wrong behaviour. A christian man should behave with some decorum and not even give the appearance of evil, let alone doing evil.

A thought that comes to me is that he may have always wanted to be successful with women but never was and now sees the chance to achieve that, possibly as an answer to the rejection he feels. In reality once we are married to the one we love all that behaviour is irrelevant and could easily be read as unfaithfulness.

I don't see how you can ignore that behaviour. If a spouse says they don't feel they love you that is something else but any christian would agree that his behaviour is highly questionable. If it is all above board he should be able to see them with you, so that you know what is going on. Why can't he bring them home so that you can both advise them? Our pastor would never counsel a girl on his own but would bring his wife or another female. Somehow he is not taking you into his trust on the matter. How can you be expected to ignore that?

I don't think the above article really fits your situation Lavene. If he doesn't respond keep praying of course, but I think he is stepping over boundaries personally and has problems, but one cannot force a solution as he has freewill. The fact cannot be ignored that we are all sexual beings and need to live in such a way so that we are not exposed to things where our marriage could be compromised. It seems that he is putting his marriage second in certain situations when it should come first.

Raymond

mdmquincy 17th June 2010 04:58 AM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
I like this post, but I am sick of looking at it. Can it be unstuck? Just asking out of curiousity, don't get belligerent, please.
J

Heather 20th September 2010 11:00 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Wow! What a good article... thought provoking even in a situation of infidelity.

THENUNN 5th January 2011 11:05 AM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
I also wish I'd read that sooner and been emotionally mature enough.

Nicole 3rd February 2011 09:49 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dave (Post 47400)
Just occasionally an article comes up that really causes us to stop and think.

If your partner has just said those "I don't love you any more" words, read this article and reflect on your next move.

Dave

Its a beautiful piece! God help us all become as u will have us. Amen!

Nicole 3rd February 2011 09:51 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Beautiful piece. God help us to become more like u amen!

broken 19th May 2011 04:22 AM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Thanks, maybe it's not too late for me to do this, better. Thanks, I needed to read this. I have been going about my daily routine best I can. Thanks

tmw52 7th June 2011 10:31 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Wow! I read some comments that suggested this post should be taken down so it's not always at the top but I think that would be a bad idea. This was life-changing. I think I'm personally too far down the separation road for it to work for me but the way she separated his problems from what he was trying to put on her and her marriage? Those words have changed everything for me. I just wish I could find a way to tell her so!

heartbroken 10th June 2011 05:25 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by kazzieb (Post 52629)
That article is very interesting, I may try to give it a go myself. My husband told me he didnt love me last week but we are still living in the same house (although he is trying to get me to move out, cant be him because of issues with the tennancy agreement we have). I know (or am 99% sure) that there is no one else involved as he very rarely goes out on his own (unless he has met someone on facebook etc...). I have been putting off getting the wheels in motion so far and trying to act like nothing has happened although i have moments when i have had arguements with him, tears etc, when i feel there is no hope in him changing his mind. I may just try to keep the 'happy' act up as long as i can. Will let you know how i get on

I really do feel for you here, i am in exactly the same position, very similar, i know it hurts but as you sayit is very hard when staying together in this position, do you go to him looking for reassurance.

Lynn 18th June 2011 06:52 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
I also wish I had read that when my husband walked out. He did not say he did not love me any more, in fact he kept telling me he did still love me but his walking out had just become a habit every time there was a problem between us. Unfortunately he has gone back to drinking to cope and now I find it impossible to talk to him or even find moments when he is not drunk so I have backed away, filed for divorce and left him to it. I have to say I thought I had done the right thing until I read that article.

Raymond 18th June 2011 07:35 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Lynn this is not your situation at all. They had a happy normal marriage and he went through a patch where he had lost the feeling of love. Your situation is far more toxic than that. You have a husband who goes off for long periods, may even go with other women. You musn't buckle over things you read when you are already doing the right thing. Please read your thread right through again and remind yourself. You are manipulated through your desire to be needed and this is how he is manipulating you even while he is being unfaithful. This is on a level of self harming and you must break free for your life's sake.

SimonaK 18th December 2011 05:49 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Thank you for the link to the article! It was very interesting!

lizzy1969 27th September 2012 04:22 AM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
It is a good article but that woman is not me. My husband left me when I was out it was not a complete shock he was leaving me day before but we had a wedding to attend so I sat and sobbed on the bed uncontrollable (he started to pack a suitcase at side of me) I was not begging him to leave and managed to go through a wedding celebration. Next day I went out to a meeting and came home to find a letter on the mantle piece. He planned leaving a month before, he did not know how to have the difficult conversation. The pain and hurt from his deceit lasted two months, he left August 5th. I now think it was the only way to do it as I would have been hysterical and begging.
He agreed to counselling and we are having it now but one to one for now. We see each other weekly, we cannot talk about emotional things we have to make our time together pleasant. I think it might be mid life crisis he is unsure how he feels about me but I am unsure too though I miss him terribly but not sure if that is because we were together 17 years or because I am needy and also very dependant on him. Time will tell and we need time.

Pear Shaped 29 4th November 2012 04:47 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
I feel like my husband is heading that way soon. He never says anything nice to me, and I snap at him. After reading that article I'm going to try it another way. At the minute I'm everything that is wrong with our marriage....according to H, but I need to let him rant and then just get on with making sure me and our 2 gorgeous children are happy and ok.

This is going to be hard

StillHoping 18th June 2013 05:54 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
I wish I could've persuaded my H to stay, but he packed his bag and left when me and my son were out on a day trip.
I've tried the begging bit - didn't work obviously! I then tried the love deposits, that's when you have a love bank and put into it love deposits by doing nice things for him. I made him meals, I bought him gifts. I let him have a bath at our house (he's only got a shower in his flat!), we watched TV together and I lent him some money when he was skint. I thought I was starting to get somewhere, then a week later he told me he wanted a Divorce! After only 2 months!
At the moment I'm on a different tactic and it seems to be working! I've recently read a book called divorce busting and it talks about a list called 180 degrees. Basically, you do the complete opposite that you have been doing. Don't contact him unless it's to do with the kids, Don't give him gifts, treat him as if you were already divorced. The full list is here - http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Now he's the one that's contacting me, giving me gifts, delaying the D (only for a month though!) and when he's on the phone he tries to prolong the conversation. Today I'm supposed to ring him about how my son did in his exam, but he can contact me if he really wants to know.
I believe that marriage is sacred and should be worked at at all costs. God is at work in my marriage and I'm hoping that his plan is for us to be together again.

LibraLady 13th November 2013 05:15 PM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Very interesting, but it takes patience and will to be able to deal with that. For me, my ego is so, that I would most likely respond with "O.K. , whose going to pack, me or you?" I beleive that people, especially men say what they mean and mean what they say when it comes to their feelings and emotions.

Roses 11th December 2013 09:48 AM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by StillHoping (Post 75370)
I believe that marriage is sacred and should be worked at at all costs. God is at work in my marriage and I'm hoping that his plan is for us to be together again.

Good for you! :cool:

I agree with you.

chosen 11th December 2013 09:54 AM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Roses (Post 77322)
Good for you! :cool:

I agree with you.

However there are circumstances when I believe nearly everyone would say that a marriage needs to end. Such as serial adultery, or a person who is having a long affair and refuses to stop, physical or sexual abuse towards the spouse or children, chronic drug addictions, chronic porn addictions, chronic alcoholism, abandonment etc. Sometimes for the other spouse or the childrens' safety and sanity they need to end it.

Roses 11th December 2013 10:00 AM

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by LibraLady (Post 76985)
For me, my ego is so, that I would most likely respond with "O.K. , whose going to pack, me or you?"

I beleive that people, especially men say what they mean and mean what they say when it comes to their feelings and emotions.

I often wondered about that too.

Feelings and emotions expressed by men: Do you think? how interesting.


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 06:38 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.