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-   -   Pray for Me Please (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8676)

Unloved 25th August 2013 02:16 PM

Pray for Me Please
 
My H is divorcing me and I still love him and I am having an extremely hard time accepting it and living with 23 years of memories together. I am in excruciating pain and feel my life is over. Please pray for me.

chosen 25th August 2013 02:34 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Unloved I am so sorry.
My marriage ended very suddenly after 23 years as well, and its awful. Its as if the whole future that you thought you had is gone.

I am here to tell you that eventually the pain will lessen, and that there is life after divorce. I was a single mum for 6 years and then met another man.
I have now been very happily married to him for nearly 8 years. I am happier now than I ever was, and I will pray for you that eventually you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you have some support from friends and family, especially as you are a carer for your dad.
I didn't have much emotional or practical support and that made it harder.
Do you have children?

I pray that God will lead you forward, and that you will be aware of Him comforting you, providing for you and looking after you.

Unloved 25th August 2013 02:55 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Thank you Chosen.

I have no children. Two pets, a guinea pig and bunny. My Dad lives upstairs and I have three good friends and have found a wonderful councilor. But I am alone most of the time.

I try to get out but after 23 years everywhere I go reminds me of when he and I went there together. I start to cry and just want to come home. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep.

Everyone tells me, as you have, that it will get better but I am having a hard time seeing it. I don't want to marry again. If I survive this I can never go through it again.

Thank you for your post and prayers.

Unloved

Unloved 25th August 2013 03:13 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Would it be denial if I prayed and asked for prayers for him to come back to me?

He was always a good man and loving until the last two years. I think he is going through a midlife crisis.

chosen 25th August 2013 04:46 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
You can pray for what you like, and as he is still your husband at this time then of course pray for him to come to his senses and come back. Once the divorce is done though, you would need to accept it.

I wasn't sure I would marry again, and it was 3 or 4 years after the marriage ended before I could even contemplate doing that, but then I really wanted to. I was only 42 when the marriage ended, and didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life.
I suppose that I left it up to God, and being a Christian, I only wanted to marry another Christian. Anyway when I met my husband, I knew he was the man for me and that was that.

I understand that you cant see that it will get better, its extremely painful and traumatic. Its still early days for you but hang in there. I am glad that you have some support..

Unloved 25th August 2013 05:41 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Thank you. I am praying and ask for others to pray as well.

Roses 29th September 2013 09:28 AM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
How old is he?

Mid life crisis...or he "met" someone else (is this likely to be the case?)

of course, I pray for you.

Unloved 3rd October 2013 11:29 AM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
He is 45.

I don't know if it's midlife crisis or AW. Maybe both. He started talking about a "friend" at work at about the same time as he started acting distant. Working out obsessively and dieting.

I am devastated and feel my life is over. He's been gone for five months.

Thank you for your prayers.

Raymond 3rd October 2013 01:03 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
What's AW? Do you mean OW? It sounds like another woman at work to me. If he has gone five months then I think you need to move on and have a funeral for him as you will not heal properly until you have done that.

We cannot manipulate other people even through prayer as God has given them freewill and free choice. There is no harm in praying but there is no guarantee that he will repond to God's promptings. Most of the world doesn't. However you know him better than I do.

chosen 3rd October 2013 04:47 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
I agree with Raymond. Talking about a friend, working out, dieting and acting distant are classic signs of an affair.
God wont and cant force anyone to do anything but He will care for you in this mess.

Is your husband a Christian? If he is, then the pastor or church elders need to go to him and challenge him on the extreme seriousness of what he is doing.

Unloved 4th October 2013 12:29 AM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Yes, by AW I meant another woman. She is married with children and from what I know of her is happily married. I believe it was an emotional affair.

He is a Catholic but not faithful. Obviously, the vows we took on front of the priest mean nothing to him.

I understand he had free will. I also believe he is making a huge mistake but I know there's nothing I can do.

I have severe depression.

chosen 4th October 2013 06:43 AM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
if she is happily married then why is she doing this?

Unloved 4th October 2013 09:11 AM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
I believe my H fell for her-I don't know why she's doing what she's doing. If she really just considered him a friend. Maybe I'm wrong and she will/has left her H.

Roses 4th October 2013 10:39 AM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Unloved

I bet the reality eventually starts to set in sooner or later with OW/AW.

Your h may eventually wake up from this "affair fog". How long has this been going on? Where is he staying if the OW is also married?

My thoughts are with you.

Unloved 4th October 2013 02:00 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Thank you.

I really don't understand what happened myself. He started acting distant about two years ago, the same time I started to hear this woman's name all the time. Alarm bells went off. They were going to go walking together after work... I put my foot down to that happening. But then they were playing Internet games together over the Internet. She would call his cell. I was told "they were just friends". Met her and her husband. They seemed happy.

He became more distant and then emotionally abusive. I am sole caregiver for my 90 year old father and was also working two part time jobs but he would scream at me I wasn't doing enough to help out. Wouldn't take me anywhere. It was like he couldn't stand the sight of me. Because I wasn't her?

One night I went to the computer after he'd left for work to find an email he'd sent to a lawyer about a divorce. Went to his job to confront him. Got nowhere. Two days of not speaking he came home after seeing two lawyers and a settlement written up. Said he wasn't happy and yes the famous "I love you but I'm not in love with you". Refused counseling. Packed his things and told me he was going to stay with his brother.

He rented an apt. up the street and was trying to hide from me where he was living, but I went to my lawyer and found out through legal papers where he was. He had now moved again and because he didn't like the terms of our first agreement filed divorce papers. This has cost me a lot more in legal fees as my lawyer had to file a counter suit. I am running out of money. My Dad and I are eating at poverty level.

I am being forced into and paying for a divorce I didn't want. He has a family member representing him for free.

I have not seen him in all this time. I really don't know what he's doing or who he's with. I feel it's best to have no contact.

I am in counseling and on anti-depressants but still cry every day.
I don't understand what happened. I had my whole world pulled out from under me and it is taking a toll on my Dad as well.

Raymond 4th October 2013 06:55 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
I am sure there are those on here who can give you advice on divorces UL. I have never experienced it.

It does look as if he got close to this woman and did the dirty on you. You will heal in time. It is true especially if you are praying to God for His help as He is always a present help in time of need. Once you have accepted the inevitable you will start to heal. The only way is up from then on although it will take time. Try and keep your work going if you can. That will help you.

chosen 4th October 2013 07:56 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Could you ask you lawyer about claiming the divorce expenses from your husband? Is there any legal help there for those who are poor?
I am sorry. it is horrible when a marriage ends. Once the divorce is over you can heal and begin to move on.

Unloved 4th October 2013 11:08 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Thank you.

I asked my lawyer about my H paying my legal fees but he wasn't optimistic. I believe he thinks it better for me to concentrate on my settlement.

I hope and pray for God to give me the strength to survive this, for my Dad's sake as well as my own.

Roses 6th October 2013 10:33 AM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Hi

I agree with Chosen.

If he wanted a divorce then he should cover the cost.

Do you have any children he needs to continue supporting?

I'm not sure why he tries to keep his home address secret from you. Your lawyer will find the new one soon enough unless he moved abroad.

Have you talked to his affair partner since? Are they still seeing each other?

Take good care of yourself. My renewed thoughts are with you today.

Unloved 6th October 2013 01:17 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Thank you.

Roses, we have no children. I will get alimony, but not enough to live on and keep up a house. I don't make a lot of money (lost one of my part time jobs since he left) and it is very hard to find a job that allows me to care for my Dad, do his doctor apts. etc. I feel overwhelmed and helpless.

I only met OW once. I have no idea what he is doing or what is going on with him. He now lives in the opposite direction of his work. Why he moved there I don't know. It doesn't make sense. Instead of moving closer to work he's moved twice as far away. I wonder if it means he's moved in with someone.

I am worried sick about the future and heartbroken and lonely. I don't think I will ever remarry. My trust is broken as well.

chosen 6th October 2013 04:56 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Unloved, can you apply for carers allowance? IN the UK you can do this and also qualify for other payments as well.

Don't forget that not all men are the same. My second husband is amazing.

Unloved 6th October 2013 05:13 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Thank you Chosen.

Unfortunately, we have nothing like an allowance for carers. I believe some states do, but where I live there is nothing.

I wish I had hopes for the future but right now I just don't. I no longer live, just exist. Everywhere I go brings back memories. Breaks my heart. I start to cry and just want to come home.

chosen 6th October 2013 06:28 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
I can understand that totally. After my first marriage ended very suddenly after 23 years, I was devastated. All of the hopes and dreams that I had for our future were washed away in an instant. Suddenly I felt in a thick fog, and I couldnt see anything in my future at all. I HAD no future as far as I was concerned. Like you I just existed day to day, with little money, doing my best to be a good mum to my three hurting children.

It does take time, lots of time. There is life after divorce, there really is, but it wont get better immediately.
Do you have friends and a good church? Do you get to women's groups? Fellowship groups?

IF you look on this website www.drw.org you can see if they have any divorce recovery classes in your area. They are very useful, and will enable you to meet other people going through similar things.

Unloved 6th October 2013 10:21 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Thank you again Chosen.

I attended Divorce Care at church but everyone in the group seemed so far ahead of me, I didn't feel comfortable. They were already discussing dating. I have two very good friends and see my counselor. She tells me to take one day at a time.

But I still feel lost and alone. I've had a very bad week end. I am afraid I will get physically ill soon.

Thanks again.

chosen 6th October 2013 10:46 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Unloved (Post 76712)
Thank you again Chosen.

I attended Divorce Care at church but everyone in the group seemed so far ahead of me, I didn't feel comfortable. They were already discussing dating. I have two very good friends and see my counselor. She tells me to take one day at a time.

But I still feel lost and alone. I've had a very bad week end. I am afraid I will get physically ill soon.

Thanks again.

When I went to the drw near me, I was a year into the separation and I also felt rather behind most of the others. I was still numb with shock and wasn't interested in any socialising which some of them were, but I still found it helpful none the less.
It does vary, because it was 4 years before I felt ready to think of meeting anyone else, yet I met my husband very soon after his marriage broke up and he was ready then. I think it does depend on the circumstances and whether the ending was sudden or slow, how long the marriage was, if there are children, what caused the ending and all sorts of other things.
Men do tend to jump into another relationship very quickly whether they are divorce or bereaved. I know three men whose wives died, who married another woman the following year!!! I could never dream of getting involved so soon if my husband died(if I ever did which I doubt).

I know you feel lonely. It is lonely loosing a spouse no matter through divorce or death. :(

Roses 7th October 2013 09:46 AM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Unloved (Post 76706)
Thank you.

I feel overwhelmed and helpless.

I only met OW once. I have no idea what he is doing or what is going on with him. He now lives in the opposite direction of his work. Why he moved there I don't know. It doesn't make sense. Instead of moving closer to work he's moved twice as far away. I wonder if it means he's moved in with someone.

I am worried sick about the future and heartbroken and lonely. I don't think I will ever remarry. My trust is broken as well.

Hi

I agree..so horrible isn't it? Therapy might be a good idea?

I'd be shocked if your alimony would be a small sum knowing you were with him over 2 decades and you are unable to support yourself being a full-time carer?

I wonder how long his affair has been going on. You might need or want to know if he has moved in with this OW. There's always a possibility that the affair may end badly after a while and he may end up coming back. But will you take him?

chosen 7th October 2013 10:28 AM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Roses (Post 76717)
Hi

I agree..so horrible isn't it? Therapy might be a good idea?

I'd be shocked if your alimony would be a small sum knowing you were with him over 2 decades and you are unable to support yourself being a full-time carer?

I wonder how long his affair has been going on. You might need or want to know if he has moved in with this OW. There's always a possibility that the affair may end badly after a while and he may end up coming back. But will you take him?

Trouble is that if the spouse is healthy then its quite rare for the other spouse to have to pay maintenance for them unless they are caring for their children. At least that's in the UK.

Unloved 7th October 2013 01:03 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Thank you Chosen and Roses.

I am entitled by law to one third his salary as alimony by law. The problem my parents and I owned our house prior to my marriage. We trusted him and put his name onto the deed (against legal advice). He did pay the mortgage payment while living here, my Dad paid all utilities in return for my helping him. But my H did not consider my caring a job and it wasn't enough for him even after I started working part time. Now he is using his name on the house as a bargaining chip for me to agree to less alimony. I have already agreed to take fifty dollars a week less so I can keep my Dad in his house. Otherwise he can force a sale. I don't want my Dad to end up in a care home.

Even with all this and the heartache I still would want him back if he agreed to marriage counseling. I would try. But everyone tells me it would be a mistake. And I don't see it happening. He is pushing to hurry the divorce and never contacts me to see how I or my Dad are making out. My Dad treated him like a son. He never even said goodbye to my Dad. I don't think he could face him.


I had a bad night. I cried and prayed for God to help me with my pain and depression.

Thank you again.

chosen 7th October 2013 03:10 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Unloved (Post 76720)
Thank you Chosen and Roses.

I am entitled by law to one third his salary as alimony by law. The problem my parents and I owned our house prior to my marriage. We trusted him and put his name onto the deed (against legal advice). He did pay the mortgage payment while living here, my Dad paid all utilities in return for my helping him. But my H did not consider my caring a job and it wasn't enough for him even after I started working part time. Now he is using his name on the house as a bargaining chip for me to agree to less alimony. I have already agreed to take fifty dollars a week less so I can keep my Dad in his house. Otherwise he can force a sale. I don't want my Dad to end up in a care home.

Even with all this and the heartache I still would want him back if he agreed to marriage counseling. I would try. But everyone tells me it would be a mistake. And I don't see it happening. He is pushing to hurry the divorce and never contacts me to see how I or my Dad are making out. My Dad treated him like a son. He never even said goodbye to my Dad. I don't think he could face him.


I had a bad night. I cried and prayed for God to help me with my pain and depression.

Thank you again.

So its your dads house and still your husband can make you sell?

Unloved 7th October 2013 04:32 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Yes, because we trusted him and put his name on it. So he would feel accepted and know we trusted him. When we changed the deed to include him the lawyer warned us not to.

At the end of the day, it probably wouldn't have mattered as we have been married 23 years he would probably been entitled to his share anyway.

So my Dad has been put into this situation at 90 years old, to fear being put on the street.

I feel partly responsible.

Roses 7th October 2013 05:00 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
UL

Doesn't he have any assets of his own?

You never know he might come back. It seems there are a lot of couples suddenly breaking up after 22 or 23 years together. It seems pointless that they discard what they built up together. So sad.....

Unloved 7th October 2013 07:22 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
He has some money but wants compensation from my half for his share of the house.
And for me to take less alimony. I am living in limbo as I still don't know what I will have. I agrees to get and pay for my own health insurance. I don't know what else I can do.

What you said about giving everything up is exactly how I feel. He had a house that he didn't have to put a down payment on that would have been paid for in six years. I am not perfect by any means but I was a good and faithful wife and best friend to him. He had freedom to go out with his friends to watch sport, etc. I never gave him grief over it. My Dad would treat him to dinner out once a week. I just don't know what he's searching for. I don't know why he hurt me like this. I

Thank you again.

Roses 8th October 2013 07:45 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Did you know that he was leaving you before all this had happened? You said things start to go wrong approx. 2 years ago? Do you have any idea what events may have triggered his affair with a married woman?

It comes across as he had already worked out the financial part of this breakup and moved on. I wonder how her husband is dealing with this?

Unloved 8th October 2013 08:23 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
No Roses, I didn't know he wanted to leave. I knew something was wrong but he had been worried about his job and I thought that was it. Then he started talking about his "friend" at work. I told him I didn't like it and he stopped the plans to go walking. But her name kept coming up. Stupid me, I didn't listen to my gut instinct. Kept thinking he was depressed over his job.

The few months before he left things really went downhill when the emotional abuse began. I couldn't do a thing right, he stopped taking me out saying he wanted to have time to relax. He would still bring me little treats, told me he loved me, then scream at me that I had to get a job. I didn't really know until I saw the email to the lawyer that he wanted a divorce. Hindsight is twenty twenty though. I now realize he was emotionally abusive because he wanted me to say I wanted to split up so he wouldn't have to be the one to say it and deal with the guilt. And all the screaming about a job was because he was planning on leaving he knew I didn't make enough part time to survive which meant alimony. I really think he had been planning this for a long time.

I have thought about trying to contact OW's husband but I don't even know his name.

Anyway, it seems it's a done deal as my lawyer has called today. My H has accepted my agreement. I have no choice and have had none since this started.


I am feeling numb right now. I have just been overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. I was willing to fight with all I had but I can't do it alone.

Pray for me please.

chosen 8th October 2013 09:42 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Are you sure that your lawyer has got you the best deal possible?

Unloved 8th October 2013 10:14 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Yes, I think so. I get to keep the house, half of pension, and alimony. If he forced us to trial there was the risk of the judge ruling that we had to sell the house and give him one third.

Problem is, the pension is taxable anytime I withdraw from it. Also penalties on withdrawal. I am going to pay off the house and my H will sign it over to me.

I don't want his money though. I want what we had. No money can make up for my broken heart.

He thinks if he signs off on the house it makes up for everything.

I know I should be thankful but it doesn't take away my heartbreak.

Roses 8th October 2013 10:27 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Hi UL

I know what you are going through.

Thank you for your further info.

It would be interesting to see how Raymond would respond to this.

It always amazes me how married man/woman could end their respective marriage this way. It's just so sad.

You have my prayers.

Unloved 8th October 2013 11:09 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Thank you Roses.

That's how I feel, it's just so sad and all for nothing. All the good sweet memories. Now they are just painful to me and he seems to have forgotten overnight. It's like he changed into a different person.

Maybe someday he'll realize what he's thrown away.

Roses 9th October 2013 09:55 AM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
UL

Yes. Perhaps, time will tell?

Living together isn't exactly like a honeymoon.

It will eventually fizzle out (possibly) faced by the reality of day to day routines.

One question. Does your Dad live in the same house or in a house nearby?

Hope you don't mind me asking this?

Unloved 9th October 2013 01:11 PM

Re: Pray for Me Please
 
Hi Roses,

My Dad lived in the same house, in his own apartment.
He could never live on his own. He had prostate cancer and while it's in remission, the meds he takes have destroyed all his muscle tone and he has a lot of difficulty walking. My H used to help him in and out of the car, drive us to doctor apts. etc. very kind and considerate. Now it's as though he doesn't care if he lives or dies. I know he will never see him again.

I know men think differently but how can you forget over twenty years overnight.


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