How in laws can affect a marriage
 

Hi everyone.
I have heard so many stories of the often negative effect that difficult in laws can have on marriages sometimes leading to divorces.A couple that I know who do marriage counselling, have had many couples seeing them who are on the point of divorce because of inlaw problems.
My own MIL, who lives in Australia,(Thank God) caused a major problem in our new marriage when we went to Auz to see her 4 years ago. We had only been married for less that a year (a second marriage for both of us) and she spent most of the time we were there, behind my back, trying to persuade my husband to leave me. She is very controlling and very manipulative and my husband has never known how to deal with her(one of the reasons why he came to the UK 23 years ago). This caused a major upset but Thank God, we came through it stronger and as a result we wont be seeing her again.She hasnt got on with any of her daughters in law, and the one who lives near her is just waiting for her to die so that she can have her husband back. The MIL is nearly 80 now and very weak, so it may not be long, but she has had to put up with so much from her MIL over the years, I can totally understand how she feels.

I am to become a MIL next year when My son gets married, and I have the lovliest DIL to be ever, and we get on so well. I am not, and never have been interferrring or manipulative with my children and I let them get on with their own lives, but my MIL has never emotionally let her sons go (and they are both in their early 50's now)
I see this as an enormous problems in marriages everywhere, What do others think? Why can mothers in particular not let their children go?

My husbands ex is making similar problems in their sons lives. They are aged 23 and 27 and she hasnt let them go, They both live with her and she puts pressure on them not to leave stating that she wont be able to pay the bills when they go(she will) and other things.One is planning to go to Auz next year for 2 years (the boys both have an Australian passport cos they werre born there) and its is sort of stramge that history is repeating itself in this way.I think it will be the making of him to get away but I will believe it when he gets on the plane.I suspect that if he goes for 2 years he will stay there, and my husband and I are hoping that he does as he needs that independance from his mother, as my husband did from his all those years ago. Sorry for all this rambling,and well done if you have read all this.:)
God Bless

Re: How in laws can affect a marriage
 

Hi Chosen. I hadn't noticed your post. I thought it was an old post on advice you gave.

My wife is now a mother in law too to one of my son's new wife. They are both 24 years. She only became a christian a year before he went out with her. She comes from Ewshot a village near Farnham, probably around your way. I can't see her controlling them or him being controlled. A bit too stubborn for that. Not that she would.

The control thing is very powerful. I once went to a Bill Subritski meeting in Brighton arranged by Peter Horrobin and there was a chap from NZ speaking who went into depth about control as he has been controlled by his mother. He's written a book about it. I forgot the title but his name is Graham Powell. They will know about it at Pierrepont.

He spoke about the hidden spiritual side and it sounded horrific. It was something about not cutting the apron strings and letting go so that they can grow into men. It can effect their masculinity. Once he recognised it and tried to break free all hell was let loose but in Christ he did it.

It is a lot to do with a man leaving his parents and cleaving to his wife. If the mother doesn't really let go it can really affect the marriage badly. I suppose one can recognise it through possessiveness as well.

I'd encourage your sons to get ministry. Even leaving the country might not help as I have heard of cases where the son felt he had to ring his mother every day. There was an ought to about it which could indicate a control operating.

I heard that your husband comes from Brisbane. My son spent six months there just over a year ago on a YWAM course in Mitchelton. That's where he really came on and got baptised. He came back a new man. I thank God for it.



God bless

Re: How in laws can affect a marriage
 

Thats brilliant about your son.My step son is apparently going to Sydney, so hoping that he may find the Hillsong church. Good advise about my step sons getting help and prayer,but we arent allowed to even broach the subject with them,as in the past she has accused us of trying to turn them against her, even though it was one of them who came to us about it and all we did was to lend him a good book that we thought would help him.

We are really hoping that my husbands son will grow spiritually there and find a good church, as they and their mum all stopped going to church at the same time some months ago (more control I suspect).My husband had a picture recently of this son as an eagle, chained to a post, and God was saying that he had to break free.I think this trip will help him to do that. He is more independant than the other son, so I dont think he will bother to ring his mum often once he has left.

I agree that there is a very strong spiritual element in this control and manipulation. Before this even happened with my MIL in Australia, from the first time I was in the room with her I felt this suffocating atmosphere, as if I couldnt breathe properly. My husband says that he feels it also. When we returned to the UK, after a few weeks, God told us both seperately but on the same day, that she has the Jezebel spirit operating in her.
We hardly knew anything about that whole area, so did a lot of reading up, and got some good teaching dvds about it. She has indeed got nearly all of the characteristics of this group of spirits.My husband, since he came to the UK, has had barely any contact with her. He will never even ring her unless I suggest it (and that isnt often) as he doesnt know how to deal with her.

She greatly favors the men in her family,(I think because she can control them) so much so, that she has left some money in her will to the grandsons but nothing to the granddaugter. She only wanted sons,and grandsons and now only want great grandsons. She had 2 unhappy marriages(another symptom of the spirits involvement),and told my husband that second marriages never work, so why is he wasting his time on me.
Basically she just wants her sons for herself and resents haivng to share them with their wives.Its so awful and so sad, but it has lost her her oldest son (my husband) as to be honest he doesnt even like her, and didnt even want to visit her 4 years ago (and now I know why).

The scary thing is, that 2 years ago, his oldest son nearly got engaged to another very controlling girl, just like his mum and grandmother.We knew it would be a disaster, but prayed hard that God would show him. He even bought the ring, but he started to have doubts (Thank you God ) and eventually called it off. She is now married to someone else.

Re: How in laws can affect a marriage
 

All you can do is pray and give advice when they see you. It sounds like the oldest will be less affected because of his personality. You seem to know a lot about it which will stand you in good stead for helping and praying. The problem is if you are used to being controlled you can slide into it easy, hence the near thing with this other girl. I know it is very subtle and deceptive. A case of loving the person but rejecting their control.

I think the Graham Powell book is called "Christian set yourself free" if you ever needed it.

I heard a little of the Jezebel spirit from Bill Subritski a New Zealander. Ellel got a lot of their original deliverance teaching from him. The control thing is one of many from that source. I don't know what the others will make of this conversation! Better get down to earth.

Re: How in laws can affect a marriage
 

yes you are right. My husband was so used to having a mum that was controlling and manipalative, that he married a lady who was as well. he thought it was normal.
His dad just avoided his mum as much as he could, and allowed to her to call the shots, so my husband never learnt to deal with this sort of thing or to stand up for himself, and thus his marriage was never happy.
Its very common though sadly. In Italy for example, 1/3 rd of all divorces are largely because the husbands mother interferring.

Re: How in laws can affect a marriage
 

That's interesting about the Italians. I know that it can be a problem in a lot of Jewish families, epecially in the states. I think it can take away from the strength of a man making him indecisive and reliant on another in the wrong way.