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-   -   Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=7945)

Daisy 28th October 2011 02:57 PM

Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. Our relationship was fantastic and we were very much in love. We very rarely argue and he has never been anything but kind and loving towards me.
However, about a year ago I noticed he was distant. He stopped complimenting me and was much less affectionate. He didn't want sex very much and that side of our relationship continued to go downhill.
He put weight on, hated his job but if I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. He says he's not depressed.
It all came to a head a few months ago and he admitted he was unhappy in our marriage and didn't think we could fix it. I was shocked and devastated. We talked about what might be making him unhappy and I tried to change and he made an effort too. I thought things were improving.
Then he told me he was still very unhappy and didn't know why but the changes we made hadn't helped. He made an appointment to go to Relate and said I could go if I wanted but he really wanted to go initially on his own.
To cut a long story short he went once then said it was a waste of time and I just didn't make him happy anymore and although he thought he could just carry on he can't anymore and is leaving me.
He says he doesn't know why his feelings changed but he doesn't love me like a husband should although he will always love me. He says we both deserve to be happy and if anyone should be unhappy it should be me not him because I have worked so hard and do so much for him.

The current situation is we are going to sell the house and I will buy somewhere on my own and he will rent somewhere nearby to help look after our dogs who we both love dearly. We have no children out of choice.

I have told him I love him and although I would do anything to save our marriage I will let him go. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. However if he realises he has made a mistake he must tell me.

To be honest I think I'm still in shock. I can't believe someone who I love so much can hurt me like this.
I know it may sound like he has had an affair but I really don't think so. He has let himself go if anything and I pretty much know where he is all the time.

I feel such a failure and really didn't think I'd be single again at 42, just when my self confidence is at a low anyway.
Any advice on how to cope would be appreciated.

Thankyou for reading

Joeschmo 28th October 2011 06:49 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Hi Daisy,

It sounds like you are in a similar place to me, my wife left me...states she doesn't love me in that way anymore...up to then, I had thought that we had a fantastic relationship...

All I can say is that you mustn't blame yourself, you are not a failure, he has been sitting on these feelings for about a year and has not put effort in to save the relationship. He went to relate once!on his own! and said it's not going to work.. it's up to the people to work the therapy it's not like taking a pill.

It does get better though, even though I feel physical pain that my wife has left me, I have realised that i'm slowly getting stronger.

Look after yourself and remember... It's his loss!

Daisy 28th October 2011 09:10 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Thanks Joe
I have read your thread and see how you are managing to move forward although it still hurts like hell.
My husband came home tonight (we are still living together) and I told him I've seen a house I'm interested in buying. Also that I've now told my family we are breaking up so it seems more real.
His reaction was to say he's going for a drive and he went out. I think he was shocked that I am trying to move forward and not begging him to re think his decision.
Good luck to you and I hope you continue to feel stronger.
It's weird when you think you can trust and love someone with all your heart, and they can just walk away ?? I could never hurt him the way he's hurt me, even now.

Daisy 29th October 2011 07:54 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
I went to look at a new house today, he came with me. It's almost like nothings happened. I'm confused about my feelings as I dont seem to be feeling anything today. No tears nothing. I think my brain is trying to protect me and actually won't let me accept what is happening.

Daisy 29th October 2011 10:05 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Cancel that....I've just spent the last hour crying uncontrollably

Forever 29th October 2011 10:09 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
I have a question for you if you would not mind answering...have you found any PORN on his computer?

Daisy 29th October 2011 11:32 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Forever
No he's not into that at all. But the year before we got married he ended the relationship with no good reason but eventually admitted he had hidden a huge amount of debt from me from gambling and had been too scared to tell me.
I have asked him if he's been gambling again or got debts I don't know about and he's adamant he hasnt. I did believe him but am now wondering if that could be it. We did have a credit check though recently and that was okay.

Forever 30th October 2011 01:50 AM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
He acts like a man who is hiding something serious and would rather end the marriage than to have to reveal whatever it is. As a matter of fact, although you do not believe he is into porn, he acts exactly like a man who is...from the emotional distancing to the lack of interest in sex (that is usually the first signs).

Keep your eyes open...you may be surprised....I hope I am wrong...but been there, done that, seen too much of it too often. The only other possibility I can see is depression even though he says he is not....and there is usually a really good reason for that too which he may not want you to know. Does he drink?

I am so sorry that your life is unraveling without any clear explanation as it is. At least others here have their suspicions or answers...you are left without a clue. Maybe your going forward to let him out of the marriage will be the wake up call he needs to dig deeper into whatever is the cause or reveal something to you that you have the right to know.

This is shocking for you, but there definately is something going on over there.

Why have you been having problems with your self esteem?

Daisy 30th October 2011 08:09 AM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
He doesn't drink. I only say my self esteem is low in that I feel old and past my best although I haven't let myself go.
He's never shown any interest in porn. I can actually say his feelings towards being intimate started to change when he thought I was having an affair. I wasn't and was completely shocked he accused me of it. I'd genuinely been working late alot. He had been checking up on my computer and saw I'd created a new e mail address which was only to join flickr . He had been watching me through the curtains late at night when I pulled up in my car and thought I was having secret conversations on my phone etc when I was only replying to messages I'd received on the way home from work.
He was beside himself with jealousy and it took several months to persuade him he was wrong. Sex after that seemed distant on his part then gradually decreased.
Anyway, I agree there may be something he's not telling me or maybe he has just fallen out of love with me and hasn't got the commitment to try and work through it.
It's typical of him to only go to one counselling session then say it's a waste of time. He never has listened to anyone else's advice whatever it's about.
He is a kind man though and whatever issues he has or reasons he has I know he's hurting too and not deliberately hurting me.
Thanks for listening

Chamomile 31st October 2011 04:09 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Forever (Post 66238)
He acts like a man who is hiding something serious and would rather end the marriage than to have to reveal whatever it is.

Keep your eyes open...you may be surprised....I hope I am wrong...but been there, done that, seen too much of it too often.

I am so sorry that your life is unraveling without any clear explanation as it is.

This is shocking for you, but there definately is something going on over there.

Hi

I know what you mean when you say, "he acts like a man who's hiding something" Forever. That's very insightful.

Daisy, Is your h a quiet and reserved type who wants to keep his thoughts to himself usually?

If your h had this "previous" e.g. hiding his debts without you knowing, then doesn't that give you more uncertainty as to what is going on this time? Do you happen to have a joint account which you have access to? Sounds like your h is reluctant to "open up" to you and you are left dumbfounded and thunderstruck by his news of a breakup.

You seem to be rather very accepting and tolerant in this situation.

Daisy 31st October 2011 05:08 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Chamomile
Yes I am uncertain as to the real reason. He insists he's not in debt and I have control over our finances since the debt thing.
He said last night we got married for the wrong reasons. I said I married him because I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. He said the same but that the trigger to get married was the relief of him finally telling me about the gambling and because he loved me it seemed that was the only thing in the way so once I knew marriage was the next step.
I've given so much of my life to this man and to our relationship I can only accept him saying it's over. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same, even though he keeps telling me he'll always love me.
I've tried so hard to be a good wife and always put him first. I can't do anything else but accept what he says. My head is so tired of thinking about where it all went wrong.
What else can I do?

Joeschmo 31st October 2011 05:19 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Chamomile (Post 66295)

You seem to be rather very accepting and tolerant in this situation.

I think from the outside people would think I am also (Daisy and my situations seem similar) personally I feel like I'm in shock..

I'm not sure if that's similar for you Daisy.

Chamomile 31st October 2011 06:22 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Daisy (Post 66297)
I can't do anything else but accept what he says. My head is so tired of thinking about where it all went wrong.
What else can I do?

Hi Daisy

I do admire your saner approach.
It is so sad to discard a perfectly functional marriage to my mind. Your h should at least, give more time and effort in repairing his marriage.

You know you have heard about the book called "I love you but I am not in love with you" by Andrew G Marshall.

Your h sounds more like, "well, this marriage was a mistake after all, maybe, a new relationship can make me happy." Are you sure your h isn't finding a relief from his unhappy marriage else where? Are you sure it was gambling that he had spent so much money on? Sometimes, financial irresponsibility could be associated with cheating.

He is obviously making mistakes from deciding not to work on the marriage. I do wonder if he's already distracted by another love interest? Hope that is not the case.

Isn't it so awful finding yourself in this right now but believe me many of us have been through this. Stay strong xx

Daisy 31st October 2011 06:35 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
Joe
Yes I think I am still in shock. I put on a brave face at work today, although I've told people we're splitting up I've said I don't want to talk about it ( which I dont because I'll break down and I have a very stressful and responsible job) and I need to keep calm.

Chamomile
If he's got another love interest I'd be very surprised how he's found the time. He rarely socialises.
He shows none of the classic signs. I always know where he is. He doesn't hide his phone or computer.

Thanks both for your comments.

1aokgal 31st October 2011 07:26 PM

Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me
 
There are a lot of pointers to situation he feels very depressed about with the weight gain and depression. He feels badly and he wants to do the right thing and he does not want his wife to be unhappy. He indicates he loves her but " is not in love with her" as he was at the beginning. Sorry, But I see things differently than others.

I see a man who turns self hatred inward. It is not what he is eating, but what eats him. Do you have any reason to believe this man is confused about his own sexuality? There are so many instances I know about with men who left marriages to pursue and alternate lifestyle. Not women, I mean.
A man may marry to mask feelings and to fit into the mold to family and friends. He denies inner feelings and later finds he can't live a lie. Gambling can be used as a sexual substitute with poor impulse control issues. It might be a quick fix to feeling depressed for him.

Such male encounters can be transient and distubing. These encounters may go on for years undetected. A man can be influenced or abused as a child and have that confusion. It is common today to hear a man will leave wife and children to accept there is a problem. It is also true there is more counselling of men who are subliminally sexually confused. If that is a situation most never admit the problem but will discuss with counselor.

The best course would be to marital counselling to get to answers.


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