HUSBAND KEEPS ABANDONING ME! &i hate his friend! am i being too demanding/sensitive?
 

To cut a long story short.. Been married 1 and a half years. things have been rosy... However my hubby has a friend who is a self proclaimed sociopath (feeds off others' misery. no conscience etc) who has stolen off him several times over the past few years.. I read messages (first and only time i have eevr done this as i was so suspicious) to and from my husband to him where he was encouraging my husband to leave me 'sooner rather than later' and my husband was responding 'when i win the lottery i'll get a replacement!' and other awful things. this was 6 months ago. he says it was lad banter.. anyway i forgave.. and a month ago he went out with this friend. he didn't come home for 24 hours, he read my messages (i got read notifications) and chose to ignore, he ignored all my calls for 24 hours, me and his mum were so worried we rang the police. he had been drinking and he doesn't drink normally.. i went out of my mind, i couldnt forgive him, the worst trigger in the world to me is being ignored or feeling abandoned to coin a phrase. it really effects me when he doesnt contact me back and he knows that... 24 hours and sleeping out is really dodgy. so we went to counselling, he promised he would never do it again... skip two weeks down the line. he went on a clinical trial in london. instead of coming home to me he said down the phone ' I WILL BE GOING OUT AND I WILL BE SLEEPING OUT AND I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN AS I AM GOING WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND ITS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, AND I WILL BE TURNING MY PHONE OFF SO YOU CANT RUIN IT FOR ME!!' i was in BITS! and when i started crying he said ' youre emotionally manipulating me' like he'd been brainwashed by this guy. i know it sounds crazy but jees you should see the grip he has over him. I am needy yes, i am clingy maybe yes, this is the way i love and yes maybe i am controlling?? But i dont stop him going out in general but i have an issue with this friend in particular and the way my husband has started to treat me- again using the thing that triggers me most as a threat. i had to kick him out, i havent seen him for 3 weeks now. we have had minimal contact i have been out when he has picked up his stuff i am just so hurt and have been in absolute bits over this. am i just being overly sensitive or would any of you feel like this also- it feels dangerous to depend on him anymore as he is just going to hurt me again and again?? his mum thinks im over reacting but she is so laid back shes sideways.. i just dont know what to do or where to go from here we are supposed to be meeting up next week but i am scared he will have cheated on me... also i am not happy about him hanging out with this friend atall anymore but it isnt really my choice i know... what would you do or feel? any help gratefully recieved plaese thanks xx

Re: How to tell if i'm being over sensitive? views please?
 

He sounds as if he is very immature, easily led and weak, and this friend sounds toxic. To be honest if he is acting like this after only 18 months I am not sure what hope there is. He doesnt sound as if he is going to be good husband or father material at all.

You have done the right thing by telling him to leave, his behaviour is appalling. He is acting like an irresponsible single guy not a married man with responsibilities.
In your place when you meet I would say that you want both of you to go to to marriage counselling and you also want him to cut off all contact with this awful 'friend' who clearly seems to want to break you up and is leading him astray. Its possible that he has already cheated on you, I mean why else stay out all night?
IF he isnt going to chose you over this terrible man then what does that say? He has allowed this man to turn him against you. I am surprised at his mums reaction, what he is doing is very wrong and he seems to be under his control.
No you are not over reacting. As a married couple you should be doing things together and going out together It seems that this friend wants him for himself and wants to get you out of the way. Those things they said on the texts werent in jest, they were wrong.

If he wants the marriage to carry on, one possibility is that you move right away so he cant see him any more, but unless he stops this dysfunctional relationship its hard to see how the marriage will survive.

Re: How to tell if i'm being over sensitive? views please?
 

I agree. You have to keep boundaries on this and know what you can handle and what you cannot.

I think you have got to a place of control by kicking him out. This is not a wrong control but a control of your boundaries which you need. Don't give that up until he does what is required to give you peace in the marriage. If he ignores it then you know that he has no comittment to you which is absolutely essential for a happy marriage.

Re: How to tell if i'm being over sensitive? views please?
 

Thanks guys- you have confirmed what i was thinking already. it is a very painful time for me the one person i depended on the most has let me down and not only that, had a personailty transplant and started to treat me like **** and push me aside!! not what i need atall :-( i have tried to tell him its me or him about his friend but it has pushed him further and further away and he's said his 'demands' need to be met that he meets with this friend once a month atleast!! and he has even said himself this friend HATES me and cannot stand me and wont be around me.. its all scary i hate to give up on my marriage when i do love him so much but i have too much self respect to be treated like this and i literally dont like him anymore as a person. it's odd how someone treating you so **** so many times can do that...

Re: How to tell if i'm being over sensitive? views please?
 

I think you said it right mirry. Him or me. This friend is poison by the sound of it. If your husband wants to drink it that's up to him, but it is obviously irreconcilable with his marriage. Tough choices but it's either one or the other from what I can see. Try and keep your foot down on this one and don't waver. Life with this going on sounds unbearable to me. You are worth more than that.

Re: How to tell if i'm being over sensitive? views please?
 

Hi mirry. Sorry you find yourself here. I have a question.


Are you emotionally prepared for your H choosing his friend? This is the thing with ultimatums, you need to be prepared to follow through if it doesn't go your way. Right now it sounds like your H is in full rebellion mode so watch out for that one.

Peace

Re: How to tell if i'm being over sensitive? views please?
 

Why would any person want to have anything to do with another person who hates their spouse and is doing all they can to break up their marriage and get them into all sorts of sinful activities? I cant see you have any choice in giving him an ultimatum, the man is poisonous. Its worrying that your husband is so easily led against his wife.