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edgya1234 12th April 2014 01:20 PM

Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
however he is ok looking and made me feel good about myself.
If I think back he was so persistent and consistent in his efforts so I end up caring for him a lot.
After years of bliss and problems (not between us - mostly us not having experiencing a downsize in the income and therefore in the life stile) he went to work in his birth country (which is Spain).
Needless to say that is the youngest of three boys and the apple of his mother's eyes.
Spain's economy is troubled and he didn't get the same payment, has money issues and more problems than before.
Three weeks before when the issues with the money get though he started lashing out at me very ugly. Passed from missing me and me being the reason of waking up in the morning to me being the reason he is in such a bad spot and that he does not love me anymore and out of the blue wants a divorce:(
Perhaps I should go back and say it is not so out of character because in all those years we had few setbacks based on the house he grew up in and the strange power his mother has over him. Stuff like she likes that he drives her somewhere instead of her own husband. She knows his friends. Went out with him and his friends couple of times etc.
Before you jump to ideas she is old and showing it. However she had three boys, he is the youngest and she manipulated him the most. The thing she used to tell me over and over was "I don't know what you did to him but he never wanted to marry until you".
She and I had our quarrels. I am a strong woman, I've run businesses and I was tired of being told what to do and how.
More than that out of the three boys one never sees her and she does not know her grandchildren because she did something to his wife; the second one went to the other part of Spain and his wife is happy with the distance.
Coming back to my husband as I said we had 2 smaller episodes before: 1 when he started acting thermonuclear with me out of the blue at the thought of having problems with money - we were supposed to be on a short cruise and I told him to get lost and go to mama (he had a shock that he is loosing me and straightened up); 2 one night before when I was having a major international fair for my most important client when out of the blue he bluntly told me that he is leaving me and was trying to say anything he could to hurt me - needless to say I didn't sleep the whole night and I was a zomby next day - after a day he called me and started crying that he doesn't know how to live without me and bla, bla - and well being in Berlin I had the opportunity to put him off for a week and tell him is the last time he goes bat crazy.
So now in one month, after his ordeal in Spain - he never ever had problems with money in his life, after the fact that he is close to his mother and father and seeing his mother "suffering"for him that he has an un-supportive wife who in those times of "crises wants to do a MBA and has as a goal running a multinational (forgetting the fact that all things in life started from goals and I generally reach my goals) he comes out of the blue and started on being aggressive first, than on lashing out on me, than 3 weeks ago he started with the wants to be with his problems and his parents and will not live with me in Barcelona, than the divorce, than when I said I go along he pedaled back, than came back stronger and let escape some things that his parents are asking him what is he doing with his life, and yesterday said not that he does not love me but that his heart is empty and compared me with things such as my business that is over, his former job that he lost moving etc.
He is calling mi "mi amor" (which in spanish means my love) and he professed his hate towards me not in so many words but in the things he wants to do to me, he really wants to hurt me and see me suffer because somehow he believes that I've hurt him probably.
Anyhow there is no other woman - if that will be the case he will kick me to the curb in a minute and he will not want to spend his life with me in in hurting me. It is strange.
Somehow I think is the fact that he is alone because he keeps saying that and he also said that he does not see the moment when I get there. Altough I just need to sell the car, rent the house, decide on MBA, speak to professors about the job, chose one and get packing
So as I said, what should I do? Take him at his word, give him the divorce (that is in Spain I get to decide) and let him drown himself or put my big ego aside and try to pack him up and see where it goes? The thing is that if this would not be my first marriage (and the only one as I hopped), if he was not such a big part of my life, if he was any other relationship I would have end it by now because what the ..., I am nobody's foll. But I have doubts...

Thank you so much guys I really value your opinion

Raymond 12th April 2014 01:59 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
All I see is a controlling Mama that has manipulating power over him. She has possibly never let him go or cut the apron strings.

When you are not in Spain does he feel he has to keep ringing her or e mailing her? Does her opinions have power in your marriage? It seems like the other children have seen this and got away but he is still under this control maybe?

Does that add up? Did things start to get worse when he got home? I sense there is some power there over him coming from her. He is her boy whereas she should have let him go and form an independent union with you. Not that one should not love and honour their parents but where there is a control normal parental relationships do not operate properly.

Does that sound right? You judge if that is right or not but that is what I see.

edgya1234 12th April 2014 03:41 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78703)
All I see is a controlling Mama that has manipulating power over him. She has possibly never let him go or cut the apron strings.

When you are not in Spain does he feel he has to keep ringing her or e mailing her? Does her opinions have power in your marriage? It seems like the other children have seen this and got away but he is still under this control maybe?

Does that add up? Did things start to get worse when he got home? I sense there is some power there over him coming from her. He is her boy whereas she should have let him go and form an independent union with you. Not that one should not love and honour their parents but where there is a control normal parental relationships do not operate properly.

Does that sound right? You judge if that is right or not but that is what I see.

Oh my God, you are totally right. She has a sick power over him really. She has this things where she was entering in our bedroom suddenly just knocking and entering. She also enters the bathroom when he is in the shower, I don't do this unless I really want something and is not sex:)
She also wants him to drive her places, go with her to the sales pitches she does, she wants to go out with him and his friends. He is her confident. She was always calling when we were home. She kept calling and calling sometimes we were in bed. The only instrument I have to get her off my head is touch. He responds extremely well to touch.
And here comes my fault. We had a fabulous sex life ( let's say the Latin lover thing is kind of true) and when he come to my country and started living with me I started to have this issues - it is not that I was not attracted to him but I could not let him touch me. Our sex life was lacking to say the least and not because of him. He never complained, we talked, he tried to understand but I heard him talking to his friends once about sex and a girl was like she never had a fulfilling sex life and he talked about us - few things - but what he said basically translated to I was amazing in bed. I just felt ashamed and dirty and I lashed out at him.
And I still love him and one of the things that he is telling me when we talk over and over is that we don't have sex. Now I want to fix everything but I can't and I won't push him. I don't believe in fixing a relationship when a man seems that he does not want. Actually I am not calling him and I do not know what to do when I will need to go to Spain to talk to the professors at MBA and get through the interviews for jobs. I don't feel like telling him. But kind of feels twisted and sick to come to his town and not telling him. On the other side I am afraid that if I tell him and he rejects me I can't deal with it. I would prefer running away and never face him before rejection.
I tried to get others opinion but people that know us are shocked. It seems he never talked to anybody about this. But my friends, our friends, my family they are shocked. I mean 1 month ago I was the reason he wakes up in the morning and he loves me, one week after that we have a massif fight over money and the car he has to fix - that his parents are using and after that all went downhill. That was the moment he started to say I am supportive, I don't care, I am selfish ( and that are his mother's words ). Maybe I need to tell that for 4 years I was the main provider in the relationship - I mean he had money - but I had real money. Now my business went south, is hard to find a job so fast because I used to be an entrepreneur and people think that I will live, I don't have other source of income besides him and he is not cheap except that he has to give his mother money and she lives him live sometimes with 13 Euro / week and he blames me that I don't understand he can't send me money because she is in his head constantly.
As I said I still love him and he gave up everything for me and now all his fears of not having money, of having payments he can't cover, of not being able to be a provider come true. He says I have a future and he does not want to her of me paying for anything ever again. This because when he told me that he does not want to send me money because he needs to pay off his parents I got mad and I told him that this is not just and fair because I supported us for 4 years, can't he do this for me for few months? So he took it as a reproach and he was like you through the things you do for me in my face when I was just making a statement.
Any idea what can I do? I am in shock. I can't process what is happening to me. I don't know who he is anymore. He seems like Mr. Jekil and Dr. Hyde. I don't want to live it ( and fight for a thing that is over it seems lame) but I want to make the right movements so he realize that he will regret it sooner than latter ( he said that he is not sure is the right decision and he might regret it latter but this is what he wants - be alone with his pain, his sufferance and wants nobody caring for him). Thank you so much for support.

Raymond 13th April 2014 09:40 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
You are saying that he repeats his mother's words that you are not supportive, don't care and are selfish. This is her control speaking again which is the main problem I see. If you were able to work these problems out alone without her interference you would most likely get somewhere. However he seems powerless to me to resist that control and therefore she might get her way. You were useful to her son while you had money perhaps but now she pulls the rug in? Until he can make his own decisions without her control then there is always going to be trouble in your marriage I'm afraid unless he can stand up to her. I don't think it is a straight rejection of you Edgya I think there are strings being pulled behind the scene.

edgya1234 13th April 2014 06:42 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78709)
You are saying that he repeats his mother's words that you are not supportive, don't care and are selfish. This is her control speaking again which is the main problem I see. If you were able to work these problems out alone without her interference you would most likely get somewhere. However he seems powerless to me to resist that control and therefore she might get her way. You were useful to her son while you had money perhaps but now she pulls the rug in? Until he can make his own decisions without her control then there is always going to be trouble in your marriage I'm afraid unless he can stand up to her. I don't think it is a straight rejection of you Edgya I think there are strings being pulled behind the scene.

I know that Raymond. She tried this before but we were very close and he got really nasty with her. Now I have a disadvantage. I explained to you: I will be his first choice as long as we have a healthy relationship, there were months he never had time to talk to her and was always very brief and without details like " we are ok, we are at... I need to live because...etc." But I rejected him, allthough I tryed to explain that I have some severe problems with myself and he seemed to understand. But how can he? I myself wouldn't. Do I have any chance as long as it seems I've lost the upper hand?

chosen 13th April 2014 10:20 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
I think that if you can both move away from his parents, get back together and have some good marriage counselling you have a good chance. You have already had one divorce surely you want to fight against having another? You do seem to think far more of your career and of money than you do of him or your marriage, I have to say. Don't you think your place is by your husband side?
His mother is using him as her surrogate husband, and he and he and his father are allowing it. Unless he moves right away from her like his brothers have, he will always be under her control.

Raymond 14th April 2014 08:53 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Why did you reject him when things were going well Edgya?

edgya1234 14th April 2014 11:01 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78713)
Why did you reject him when things were going well Edgya?


It might be that I was bored with his luck of imagination of choosing the place and the time, I am more adventurous that he is. Don't get me wrong our sex life was fabulous but lately something was lacking. I did not realized that then but now looking back I wanted different things that re was reluctant to do in the past so I stopped asking. I am beautiful woman and I am used to men doing what I want and when I want. Him saying no probably started a process in my mind that in the long term made me feel uncomfortable with myself.
Again at that time I felt like I could not stand any men's touch, not just his. I felt blocked.

edgya1234 14th April 2014 11:06 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 78711)
I think that if you can both move away from his parents, get back together and have some good marriage counselling you have a good chance. You have already had one divorce surely you want to fight against having another? You do seem to think far more of your career and of money than you do of him or your marriage, I have to say. Don't you think your place is by your husband side?
His mother is using him as her surrogate husband, and he and he and his father are allowing it. Unless he moves right away from her like his brothers have, he will always be under her control.

Thank you chosen, I do think we will have a chance at that. I never had a divorce:) He is my first marriage and I intend to keep it this way:)
He fall in love with the beautiful, sexy executive that wanted to change the world, until recently when his mother started to whisper in his ear, he believed in me and was extremely proud of me. Of course I was a wife too, I believe in doing all things well.
We will move but it will take a lot of work for me and will be painful.

chosen 14th April 2014 06:30 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78715)
Thank you chosen, I do think we will have a chance at that. I never had a divorce:) He is my first marriage and I intend to keep it this way:)
He fall in love with the beautiful, sexy executive that wanted to change the world, until recently when his mother started to whisper in his ear, he believed in me and was extremely proud of me. Of course I was a wife too, I believe in doing all things well.
We will move but it will take a lot of work for me and will be painful.

He may not agree to move away from his mum but I hope he does.

chosen 14th April 2014 06:36 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78714)
It might be that I was bored with his luck of imagination of choosing the place and the time, I am more adventurous that he is. Don't get me wrong our sex life was fabulous but lately something was lacking. I did not realized that then but now looking back I wanted different things that re was reluctant to do in the past so I stopped asking. I am beautiful woman and I am used to men doing what I want and when I want. Him saying no probably started a process in my mind that in the long term made me feel uncomfortable with myself.
Again at that time I felt like I could not stand any men's touch, not just his. I felt blocked.

Edgya its not good for you to expect men to be at your beck and call. Its not good for anyone to think they should have their own way all the time just because they may be physically attractive. Many women who are attractive will use their looks to get their own way and that's not nice or wise..
Marriage is about compromise and thinking of the other person, not expecting them to do everything YOU want. So he didn't want to do things in bed that you did. Never pressure a spouse to do that, if they aren't comfortable with something sexually then they shouldn't have to do it. Its wont have helped that you seem to have had many men before who did exactly what you wanted. Its not real life.
Also remember that real beauty is what is inside and not what is outside. What is outside will fade fast as you age, what is inside will last forever. Its what is inside that makes a marriage work, not what we look like.

Raymond 14th April 2014 07:29 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
I don't know. Sexual needs can be worked out between couples. There is a difference between needs and wants but these things cannot be worked out without good relationship. Depends what it is really although I don't want to know. I think principles are true without going into personal details. There are some thing that maybe should be done if the other feels alienated. Again it is a question of what are needs and what are wants. They can be different but I think that intimacy and closeness in that area are quite important.

If the relationship is sorted Edgya then the marriage bed can be too through open discussion. I think it was a wrong move to reject him over it. You might have pushed him back to Mama. I would apologise to him over that but still letting him know there is a problem there. Some things may be right but the way we handle them might not.

edgya1234 14th April 2014 08:10 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78719)
I don't know. Sexual needs can be worked out between couples. There is a difference between needs and wants but these things cannot be worked out without good relationship. Depends what it is really although I don't want to know. I think principles are true without going into personal details. There are some thing that maybe should be done if the other feels alienated. Again it is a question of what are needs and what are wants. They can be different but I think that intimacy and closeness in that area are quite important.

If the relationship is sorted Edgya then the marriage bed can be too through open discussion. I think it was a wrong move to reject him over it. You might have pushed him back to Mama. I would apologise to him over that but still letting him know there is a problem there. Some things may be right but the way we handle them might not.

The idea is I didn't know why I was pushing him. At that time all I knew was that I couldn't stand him touching me (of course I was much more diplomatic and invented something).
I went to counseling and did not help. The answer just pop into my mind after all this time. Being away from him, being able to think and hear my thoughts, being able to see friends without feeling guilty, being able to go out all night by myself etc. all those things helped me find myself. We were both wrong. I love him but I won't push him. I'll open the door for him but he get to come through it by himself. He is a man not a little frightened boy. I do not like that I am much more tougher and I am not the man in the couple:)
And because a photo speaks for 1000 words here is a link:
http://imgur.com/bX4graM

chosen 14th April 2014 10:57 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78720)
The idea is I didn't know why I was pushing him. At that time all I knew was that I couldn't stand him touching me (of course I was much more diplomatic and invented something).
I went to counseling and did not help. The answer just pop into my mind after all this time. Being away from him, being able to think and hear my thoughts, being able to see friends without feeling guilty, being able to go out all night by myself etc. all those things helped me find myself. We were both wrong. I love him but I won't push him. I'll open the door for him but he get to come through it by himself. He is a man not a little frightened boy. I do not like that I am much more tougher and I am not the man in the couple:)
And because a photo speaks for 1000 words here is a link:
http://imgur.com/bX4graM

What was the point in posting you photo? It makes no difference to a good healthy relationship what you look like. In fact in my experience it seems to be the people who are thought to be better looking whose marriages don't seem to last(maybe because others are attracted to them and so affairs are more likely?).
It is good that you have such a good self image though. Most women struggle with their self image and self esteem no matter what they look like. Of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn't it. Its not something that we should ever use to get our own way, or to have control over another. However that's what many do.

edgya1234 14th April 2014 11:49 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 78724)
What was the point in posting you photo? It makes no difference to a good healthy relationship what you look like. In fact in my experience it seems to be the people who are thought to be better looking whose marriages don't seem to last(maybe because others are attracted to them and so affairs are more likely?).
It is good that you have such a good self image though. Most women struggle with their self image and self esteem no matter what they look like. Of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn't it. Its not something that we should ever use to get our own way, or to have control over another. However that's what many do.

Well the image was for a certain reason: to show that all of this thing of me being ugly, feeling sick of myself, feeling ashamed was just imaginary and that I had no reason not to feel attracted to my husband. In reality I was ashamed for being an unfit wife to the man I love and loves me back and as I said did not understand for the life of me what is going on. The only thing I knew was I could not do anything in bed. A woman can't have an affair while in love:( Or I can't.
My husband suffered in silence. I just wished he would have done something I don't know, pushed me more.
He let me discover by myself trying to be the sensible and loving guy. I took me two years:( Because in the beginning he jokingly told me NO to few things I wanted to try in our intimate life, I never asked again. My subconscious stored the NO's and shut my body down. I just realize today of all days that I wanted some different things from him and because of those NO's I was afraid and ashamed to ask.
Today I am hurt, he is really hurt and we both care for each other and we have no clue how to do anything. Of course I still have to know how to tell him what the reason was. I have no idea how he will react or what he will say:(
Therefore my question: what will a guy who loves his wife do to please her?

chosen 15th April 2014 04:29 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78727)
Well the image was for a certain reason: to show that all of this thing of me being ugly, feeling sick of myself, feeling ashamed was just imaginary and that I had no reason not to feel attracted to my husband. In reality I was ashamed for being an unfit wife to the man I love and loves me back and as I said did not understand for the life of me what is going on. The only thing I knew was I could not do anything in bed. A woman can't have an affair while in love:( Or I can't.
My husband suffered in silence. I just wished he would have done something I don't know, pushed me more.
He let me discover by myself trying to be the sensible and loving guy. I took me two years:( Because in the beginning he jokingly told me NO to few things I wanted to try in our intimate life, I never asked again. My subconscious stored the NO's and shut my body down. I just realize today of all days that I wanted some different things from him and because of those NO's I was afraid and ashamed to ask.
Today I am hurt, he is really hurt and we both care for each other and we have no clue how to do anything. Of course I still have to know how to tell him what the reason was. I have no idea how he will react or what he will say:(
Therefore my question: what will a guy who loves his wife do to please her?

I am sure he will do what he can to please her as long as its not what makes him feel really uncomfortable. You said you had a very good sex life so him refusing one or two things didnt seem to affect that. Maybe they made him feel very uncomfortable. Maybe they were things that you had done with other men that you expected him to do as well. As you said men had always done what you wanted before, so it was a shock for you to have a man say no. However I think it was good for you to know that you cant always have things you own way. Marriage isn't like that, its give and take and compromise.

Women can feel bad about themselves and have a poor self image, no matter how pretty they are, and others can feel very sexy and attractive and desirable even if they are not thought to be physically 'attractive' by the worlds standards. Who really cares that much about what the worlds standards are anyway, they are so shallow and focused on one thing. What is inside can make all of us more, or less, attractive and beautiful, and its what lasts when looks fade.
Its all relative, and men are very different in the type of women they find attractive of course, just as women find very different types of men attractive. As long as we each find our own spouses attractive that all that matters. My husband is the only man whose opinion matters to me:-)

Raymond 15th April 2014 01:05 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
It seems to me that you read that joking refusal of this aspect of the bedroom as rejection Edgya when it wasn't meant to be a rejection of you. I think you read it wrong and perhaps have a self rejection complex deep down.

Can you say anything about your upbringing? Did you have a loving family? I suspect there was a problem there possibly?

edgya1234 15th April 2014 08:11 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78731)
It seems to me that you read that joking refusal of this aspect of the bedroom as rejection Edgya when it wasn't meant to be a rejection of you. I think you read it wrong and perhaps have a self rejection complex deep down.

Can you say anything about your upbringing? Did you have a loving family? I suspect there was a problem there possibly?

My father. Yes I did a lot of counseling because of him. My parents divorced when I was six, my father was very much upset with me because I chose to live with my mother. He rejected me all my adolescence and accepted me only after the death of my mother. The part of the family that I loved the most is dead ( my mum, my grandpa and grandma). My father's side of family is more concentrated on achievements and stuff. Now my dad did a lot of things to make up to me and my step brother loves me a lot and I am very close to him. So I am better.
I still handle any rejection very bad. Basically I run away.

chosen 15th April 2014 08:20 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
You said that your sex life was very good, so why did the fact that he may not have wanted to do one or two things worry you? In many marriages there is one person who doesn't want to do something that the other does, that's where compromise and understanding comes in.
When you are married you cant always expect your own way. Its not as if he was rejecting sex completely, which is what some people have to deal with.

edgya1234 16th April 2014 12:38 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 78740)
You said that your sex life was very good, so why did the fact that he may not have wanted to do one or two things worry you? In many marriages there is one person who doesn't want to do something that the other does, that's where compromise and understanding comes in.
When you are married you cant always expect your own way. Its not as if he was rejecting sex completely, which is what some people have to deal with.

Well things were more complex than that, some of them I don't want to talk about however:
1. I was not aware that this was the problem.
2. He was not taking care of himself like he used to ( he go fat for a period ).
3. We had some issues within the marriage because he had a time when he didn't want to do anything ( I mean with his life).

So I assumed I had other issues. This is new, I believe to possibly be the issue after just talking to you guys and having an "Evrika"moment just yesterday - or two days ago. And after he brought it up several times. However we needed the distance in order to fix things.

chosen 16th April 2014 05:19 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78741)
Well things were more complex than that, some of them I don't want to talk about however:
1. I was not aware that this was the problem.
2. He was not taking care of himself like he used to ( he go fat for a period ).
3. We had some issues within the marriage because he had a time when he didn't want to do anything ( I mean with his life).

So I assumed I had other issues. This is new, I believe to possibly be the issue after just talking to you guys and having an "Evrika"moment just yesterday - or two days ago. And after he brought it up several times. However we needed the distance in order to fix things.

Why did him putting on some weight matter so much to you do you think? We all change physically as we age, many people gain some weight, that's life.
What did you want him to do with his life that he wasn't doing?

Raymond 16th April 2014 08:59 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
So because he didn't want to do this thing in the bedroom Edgya you felt rejected which turned into a rejection of him? You say you couldn't bear him to touch you after that. Am I correct or have I lost the plot?

edgya1234 16th April 2014 12:53 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78743)
So because he didn't want to do this thing in the bedroom Edgya you felt rejected which turned into a rejection of him? You say you couldn't bear him to touch you after that. Am I correct or have I lost the plot?

Yes but:
1. Those are the insights that my subconscient revealed to me now - two days ago, while talking to you guys I thought about so many things. I was ashamed to talk about this before.
2. The psychotherapist I went to was a woman and although very qualified she had on little defect - she knows us both - and she chastised me for doing not having sex and she said just do it... and I couldn't
3. While I was not able to let him touch me we were having other issues and at that time I thought is because of that.
4. I realized now looking back that he is kind of lazy in general and he did not tried too much. He just told me few times while we were in bed and than stopped trying and I felt stuck. There were times I kind of wanted but I was too afraid of being rejected and did not say anything.
5. I remember now in the first years he told me once when we had a night of sex that married couples don't do this all the time.
6. Also in the previous years he let me initiate sex or ask for sex and he initiated himself when I was vulnerable like: when I was drunk, when I was sick, when I was half asleep, when he did something very bad and I was crying.

If I think of this it seems almost as he was intimidated by my status of a tough business woman and waited for me to become vulnerable. I also remember his mother telling me when he got home after his first week together that he said something like"I've meet a very beautiful woman I like very much but she is so out of my league".

Thanks Raymond, you are really supportive and your insights really help.

edgya1234 16th April 2014 01:05 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 78742)
Why did him putting on some weight matter so much to you do you think? We all change physically as we age, many people gain some weight, that's life.
What did you want him to do with his life that he wasn't doing?

He was too young to be speaking about "our body change thing" - he was just lazy, I mean that literally - he like to eat, go to classes, go out and play video games. At one time I stopped admiring him because he valued other things such as cooking ( I mean me cooking - he does not know how), order in the house and what I like is making money.
I am an overachiever - I wanted him to take advantage of the two years out of work and study more things in order to advance in life - he wanted to make more money, a superior position in life but he was not willing to put on the effort because things came to him very easy in life.
He also learns very fast and he thought that it is enough.
He wanted all things good in life but in Spain he had all very easy, not to much problems in life so he thought everywhere is the same:)

chosen 16th April 2014 01:29 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78749)
He was too young to be speaking about "our body change thing" - he was just lazy, I mean that literally - he like to eat, go to classes, go out and play video games. At one time I stopped admiring him because he valued other things such as cooking ( I mean me cooking - he does not know how), order in the house and what I like is making money.
I am an overachiever - I wanted him to take advantage of the two years out of work and study more things in order to advance in life - he wanted to make more money, a superior position in life but he was not willing to put on the effort because things came to him very easy in life.
He also learns very fast and he thought that it is enough.
He wanted all things good in life but in Spain he had all very easy, not to much problems in life so he thought everywhere is the same:)

You cant expect him to be the same as you. To you money and a career seems to be your priority in life. Its not the same for many people who value other things more highly.

chosen 16th April 2014 01:32 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78748)
Yes but:
1. Those are the insights that my subconscient revealed to me now - two days ago, while talking to you guys I thought about so many things. I was ashamed to talk about this before.
2. The psychotherapist I went to was a woman and although very qualified she had on little defect - she knows us both - and she chastised me for doing not having sex and she said just do it... and I couldn't
3. While I was not able to let him touch me we were having other issues and at that time I thought is because of that.
4. I realized now looking back that he is kind of lazy in general and he did not tried too much. He just told me few times while we were in bed and than stopped trying and I felt stuck. There were times I kind of wanted but I was too afraid of being rejected and did not say anything.
5. I remember now in the first years he told me once when we had a night of sex that married couples don't do this all the time.
6. Also in the previous years he let me initiate sex or ask for sex and he initiated himself when I was vulnerable like: when I was drunk, when I was sick, when I was half asleep, when he did something very bad and I was crying.

If I think of this it seems almost as he was intimidated by my status of a tough business woman and waited for me to become vulnerable. I also remember his mother telling me when he got home after his first week together that he said something like"I've meet a very beautiful woman I like very much but she is so out of my league".

Thanks Raymond, you are really supportive and your insights really help.

Many men do struggle with a women whose main priority is her career and earning lots of money. Men not surprisingly often want and need to be the main bread winner. I get that totally, maybe you need to as well? Men need respect from their wives, as women need love from their husbands.

edgya1234 16th April 2014 01:41 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 78751)
Many men do struggle with a women whose main priority is her career and earning lots of money. Men not surprisingly often want and need to be the main bread winner. I get that totally, maybe you need to as well? Men need respect from their wives, as women need love from their husbands.

Well in order to respect somebody he/ she has to earn it...? If he was the main provider we would probably never be here:( In the sense that it will be easier for him to go over things.
Now, when he is in the role of main provider, because my business went south due to various reasons, he is stressed out and he told me I have to help myself because he is not making enough money right now to keep paying the mortgage he had before marrying me etc.
So we are in a very bad spot. When I mostly need his help he is too stressed to offer it and calls me selfish for needing money from him... :)
Right now, I respect my younger brother more, at least he does not call me selfish for needing money for doctors and stuff:)

Raymond 16th April 2014 08:36 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78748)
Yes but:
1. Those are the insights that my subconscient revealed to me now - two days ago, while talking to you guys I thought about so many things. I was ashamed to talk about this before.
2. The psychotherapist I went to was a woman and although very qualified she had on little defect - she knows us both - and she chastised me for doing not having sex and she said just do it... and I couldn't
3. While I was not able to let him touch me we were having other issues and at that time I thought is because of that.
4. I realized now looking back that he is kind of lazy in general and he did not tried too much. He just told me few times while we were in bed and than stopped trying and I felt stuck. There were times I kind of wanted but I was too afraid of being rejected and did not say anything.
5. I remember now in the first years he told me once when we had a night of sex that married couples don't do this all the time.
6. Also in the previous years he let me initiate sex or ask for sex and he initiated himself when I was vulnerable like: when I was drunk, when I was sick, when I was half asleep, when he did something very bad and I was crying.

If I think of this it seems almost as he was intimidated by my status of a tough business woman and waited for me to become vulnerable. I also remember his mother telling me when he got home after his first week together that he said something like"I've meet a very beautiful woman I like very much but she is so out of my league".

Thanks Raymond, you are really supportive and your insights really help.

It appears to me like your feeling of rejection was getting in the way Edgya. I have the feeling that you sometimes read rejection when it is not there. Probably because of your past.

We are all damaged people so whatever his faults are or yours it doesn't really matter so long as you are both growing together. You had something together and you can get it back if you both want it. We all have intrinsic value and a crumpled up 10 note is still worth 10.

I feel you have to accept him as he is and he you. Neither of you should try and change the other but if you have love for each other you will both grow. Mother in law must be kept at bay of course as you don't need that control in your marriage. If he doesn't want to stay married there is not much you can do about it but you need to make sure it is not his mother orchestrating this.

I would say it is touch and go regarding this marriage. It really depends on what you both want in your hearts. Being a refuser doesn't help a marriage but you say he wasn't really trying so maybe your initiating would have helped there.
I would start maybe by explaining to him what you have said to us and be honest and even vulnerable about your problem of rejection and that you were not really rejecting him and explain that it's just a problem you can have. Even ask for his forgiveness if you can but don't grovel of course.

If he is open to mending things that should open the way for him to support you both as a married couple. At the moment he is certainly not living as a husband married to you.

edgya1234 16th April 2014 11:05 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78753)
It appears to me like your feeling of rejection was getting in the way Edgya. I have the feeling that you sometimes read rejection when it is not there. Probably because of your past.

We are all damaged people so whatever his faults are or yours it doesn't really matter so long as you are both growing together. You had something together and you can get it back if you both want it. We all have intrinsic value and a crumpled up 10 note is still worth 10.

I feel you have to accept him as he is and he you. Neither of you should try and change the other but if you have love for each other you will both grow. Mother in law must be kept at bay of course as you don't need that control in your marriage. If he doesn't want to stay married there is not much you can do about it but you need to make sure it is not his mother orchestrating this.

I would say it is touch and go regarding this marriage. It really depends on what you both want in your hearts. Being a refuser doesn't help a marriage but you say he wasn't really trying so maybe your initiating would have helped there.
I would start maybe by explaining to him what you have said to us and be honest and even vulnerable about your problem of rejection and that you were not really rejecting him and explain that it's just a problem you can have. Even ask for his forgiveness if you can but don't grovel of course.

If he is open to mending things that should open the way for him to support you both as a married couple. At the moment he is certainly not living as a husband married to you.

He just called me an hour ago. I've talk to him and after the initial shock he told me he still thinks sex in the car is not an option because people can see us and I will freak out. He was like discussing what kind of things he will do or won't do with me and guess what he said he should go to counseling. We discussed those things and he told me that he fixed things in his apartment, the one he is still paying mortgage and I never get to see it because it was let.
Than he remembered he should go bat crazy again.
That I can live in the flat however he does not want to be with me. And I was OK you don't want me, are not attracted to me what the f.... you keep calling me and keep saying these things to me? And he was like...a good question.
He started to find justifications that I asked him for money when he went to Spain working - I was like" you are my husband, I had no job and no business at the moment who was supposed to help me? And he was like yes but he has debs - with his darling mother"; Than he started that I never listen, that he told me that this year is not good for me doing a master bla, bla. (He does not pay a dime for master).
That I never know how to save money, that I spent too much. That I should get a job that pays me 200 Euro / month so I should learn ( and I was like what the... this is what you want for me??? ).
I let him know that he doesn't get a say in what I do with my money and my life if he does not want me in his.
He admitted that he wasn't supposed to upset me when I was depressed (three weeks ago) but he still did it bringing the divorce up. That he cares about me and bla, bla. That he does not know if he want to be with me or is still attracted to me. (I was listening to him and I remember the last networking event I went to all the guys that all over themselves to help me with anything). So I was jokingly telling him - it is your loss baby and he went bat crazy like "do you think I will cry after you?" and I told him nobody controls what he does but himself.
So all this time I was thinking I show up and guys are falling all over and here I am crying my eyes out for this guy who is calling me to tell me all those hurtful things?? I never call him but he keeps calling me in order to do what? to ruin my Easter week?
Is like I swear he has a taste for drama.
And God he kept going until I said no more and I told him please don't call me if you just want to hurt me because I can't take it anymore and hang up.
So God help me I care about him, I want to be with him but I've told him that nobody is going to force him and he can do what he wants. I can't keep this up. Any week is the same, he calls me to say all those hurtful things. What for? If he does not get his **** together he can go do what he wants. I can't keep up with his ups and downs anymore. I will try to move on. It hurts the hell out of me but I need to keep positive.
I hope he will came back to his senses but is a very long shot. I don't know. It hurts like hell hearing him telling me all those things. I still love him bat again women do stupid things sometimes:(
I really appreciate you being here and trowing a helping hand. I feel so lost ...

Raymond 17th April 2014 08:51 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Edgya sorry you are going through this. I have to be brief as have to rush of to work but hopefully will look in later. To me it looks like he is still interested but knows there are things to sort.

If sex in the car was the thing he rejected I feel that is quite a legitimate rejection. People might see. Sex is a private thing between a husband and wife only. If you have exhibitionist tendencies you would have to curb those as it wouldn't be right. Don't you see that? Maybe he does love you but cannot take that sort of thing. I think he is right and being sensible here. Exhibitionism never built a good marriage and is really to do with lust which leads to emptiness. I hope I have not misread this but please correct me if I have.

chosen 17th April 2014 09:44 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78761)
Edgya sorry you are going through this. I have to be brief as have to rush of to work but hopefully will look in later. To me it looks like he is still interested but knows there are things to sort.

If sex in the car was the thing he rejected I feel that is quite a legitimate rejection. People might see. Sex is a private thing between a husband and wife only. If you have exhibitionist tendencies you would have to curb those as it wouldn't be right. Don't you see that? Maybe he does love you but cannot take that sort of thing. I think he is right and being sensible here. Exhibitionism never built a good marriage and is really to do with lust which leads to emptiness. I hope I have not misread this but please correct me if I have.

Few people would agree to sex in a car. I certainly wouldn't. I think that is being perfectly reasonable if that is the sort of thing that he said no to. Sex is private and only for the couple to see, and not anyone else.

edgya1234 17th April 2014 05:31 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78761)
Edgya sorry you are going through this. I have to be brief as have to rush of to work but hopefully will look in later. To me it looks like he is still interested but knows there are things to sort.

If sex in the car was the thing he rejected I feel that is quite a legitimate rejection. People might see. Sex is a private thing between a husband and wife only. If you have exhibitionist tendencies you would have to curb those as it wouldn't be right. Don't you see that? Maybe he does love you but cannot take that sort of thing. I think he is right and being sensible here. Exhibitionism never built a good marriage and is really to do with lust which leads to emptiness. I hope I have not misread this but please correct me if I have.


It was just an example. I would not mind if we did not do it ever. What it hurt at that moment was rejection. We could have just snuggled and than go home. There were other ways to say no. Like he explained to me he hates sand and he will never feel comfortable not even staying with me on the beach.
He admitted that he rejected me even without realizing in several occasions. So although I understand NO - is the fact how he said it - that he knew that I was rejected all my life by my father and it could affect our relationship on the long term. He didn't have any issue pleading with me and taking the time to explain things when he did something really bad like loose a large sum of money at the casino.
Anyhow starting yesterday he made it like his life mission to hurt me. I really do not understand him and I feel empty and there are no feelings except hurt and emptiness.
I didn't even expected him to call me as I said. I was ok and finished putting me together after the last week call. I thought he said he does not want to be with me, he does not want to help me in any way (although he is my husband and he should help me financially because I've done it for two years) etc.
So he calls, we talk normally for ten minutes and then he goes crazy. That I do not deserve to earn money because I spent them, that this is not the year to do an MBA, that I never listen to him, whatever. This after saying that his flat is fine, that we can live there and that he cares about me.
I am telling him that they give me a scholarship to do this MBA and is one of the to 10 business schools in the world, that the MBA is part time and the professors all said that based on my CV they are sure we will in no time find an executive job, I am telling him that I have to pay no taxes during the school and then he goes crazy and starts shouting.
That he wants no other woman after me, that he wants a divorce, that maybe he should go to therapy, that I am really bad, selfish and he does not know if he is attracted to me, all the hurtful things you can imagine.
Than I say ok so if you do not want me, you do not care about me, you want a divorce why do you keep calling to rub salt in a wound. Just let me heal and we will see each other when I am coming to Spain. He has no idea what he keeps calling me, he has no idea what he wants beside hurting me. I can't deal with the drama anymore, last night I didn't sleep and I was able to eat today at 6 in the evening (because I did not have time).
This is life.
Thank you so much Raymond for your support and your kind words.

Raymond 17th April 2014 06:25 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
It sound like you love each other Edgya but are both destroying each other with words.

One of you has to start acts of love, even just kind words. He is upset about something and obviously has his own hangups by the sound of it. These things can be sorted out. It might be an idea to have a third party perhaps a marriage counsellor to mediate between you.

He sounds immature but can grow if the love is there. You are both damaged people. Who isn't? My upbringing was probably worse than yours. My parents divorced when I was a baby and I only remember being in various orphanages being sexually abused in one of them. I am no stranger to rejection. I went to a meeting where someone spoke in a strange tongue. After a silence someone interpreted it saying: "You life is a dry desert. so dry that there are cracks appearing in it. I want to come and seep down into those cracks and bring life to your soul". I knew God has spoken to me and found out later that the way to hi, was through his son.

Marriage is always about give and take and compromise but you can find yourself in it and be happy in spite of problems although it is certainly not all problems in my experience. There are days of heaven on earth and maybe you have experienced some of that. It is worth fighting for.

Instead of giving tit for tat. I would try a soft answer to turn away his wrath. You need to get back to talking and sharing instead of living in a stalemate. If he really wants a divorce there is nothing you can do about it but I kind of suspect he doesn't and that may just be a cry for help.

edgya1234 17th April 2014 08:49 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78778)
It sound like you love each other Edgya but are both destroying each other with words.

One of you has to start acts of love, even just kind words. He is upset about something and obviously has his own hangups by the sound of it. These things can be sorted out. It might be an idea to have a third party perhaps a marriage counsellor to mediate between you.

He sounds immature but can grow if the love is there. You are both damaged people. Who isn't? My upbringing was probably worse than yours. My parents divorced when I was a baby and I only remember being in various orphanages being sexually abused in one of them. I am no stranger to rejection. I went to a meeting where someone spoke in a strange tongue. After a silence someone interpreted it saying: "You life is a dry desert. so dry that there are cracks appearing in it. I want to come and seep down into those cracks and bring life to your soul". I knew God has spoken to me and found out later that the way to hi, was through his son.

Marriage is always about give and take and compromise but you can find yourself in it and be happy in spite of problems although it is certainly not all problems in my experience. There are days of heaven on earth and maybe you have experienced some of that. It is worth fighting for.

Instead of giving tit for tat. I would try a soft answer to turn away his wrath. You need to get back to talking and sharing instead of living in a stalemate. If he really wants a divorce there is nothing you can do about it but I kind of suspect he doesn't and that may just be a cry for help.

Oh my God Raymond I am so sorry. I did not want to dig up old wounds. Than I was lucky I had a mother that loved me to death and a pair of grandparents that thought me the most wonderful things in life. That thought me that there is no "mountain" I can move and I can achieve what I wanted. Eventually when I turned 28 my father came around and he really loves me in his own way. Actually he was my support through those days.
I want to do all those things Raymond: I was accepted to some of the most prestigious top 50 business schools in the world and they bend rules for me just because they think I am outstanding professional. I have professors writing and calling me to convince me to chose their school. I fulfilled most of my dreams and I want to go on and run a multinational and then become a motivational speaker. I want to do all that and more.
I would like my husband to be happy for me, to share this with me. It was our goal last year not just mine. He used to be so proud that he has his beautiful overachiever geek:) who wanted to change the world.
Now he is completely against my work, my dreams and my life style and wants to be with his parents (more like with his mother).
I can't compete with his mother Raymond. I just can't. She told me once that she will separate us and well she tried so hard. Most of our fights were because of her and her not so normal demands.
I do not know what to do. I thought I should write him a long email, an assertive one about how I see things or how I feel about everything. And then life will tell. I will see how it goes but is up to him. If he still loves me I am willing to help me if he wants his own life I am not running after him.
What do you think about the email?
You are a very nice person really. You deserve the best in life. I hope you will get it.

chosen 17th April 2014 09:47 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Its does sound as if you have grand time consuming plans that dont allow for time to be a wife and mother edgya. What of your husband? When will you have time to give him support and encourage him in whatever it is he does in the future? You have so many ambitions for yourself, but when will you have time for family life and home? Things that are vital if you want a good marriage and children in the future.
If you want to make your marriage work, it will take a lot of time, commitment and dedication, and you may need to water down some of your own desires and wants to ensure that you are both considered in this marriage equally. IF you are so driven and ambitious that you can only think of yourself and what you want in life, then marriage may never work for you. Its takes a lot of compromise and work and selflessness.

edgya1234 17th April 2014 10:31 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 78780)
Its does sound as if you have grand time consuming plans that dont allow for time to be a wife and mother edgya. What of your husband? When will you have time to give him support and encourage him in whatever it is he does in the future? You have so many ambitions for yourself, but when will you have time for family life and home? Things that are vital if you want a good marriage and children in the future.
If you want to make your marriage work, it will take a lot of time, commitment and dedication, and you may need to water down some of your own desires and wants to ensure that you are both considered in this marriage equally. IF you are so driven and ambitious that you can only think of yourself and what you want in life, then marriage may never work for you. Its takes a lot of compromise and work and selflessness.

We have to agree to disagree:) Don't take me wrong I thank you for your time and advice however different persons want different things from life.

Raymond 18th April 2014 08:55 AM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78779)
Oh my God Raymond I am so sorry. I did not want to dig up old wounds. Than I was lucky I had a mother that loved me to death and a pair of grandparents that thought me the most wonderful things in life. That thought me that there is no "mountain" I can move and I can achieve what I wanted. Eventually when I turned 28 my father came around and he really loves me in his own way. Actually he was my support through those days.
I want to do all those things Raymond: I was accepted to some of the most prestigious top 50 business schools in the world and they bend rules for me just because they think I am outstanding professional. I have professors writing and calling me to convince me to chose their school. I fulfilled most of my dreams and I want to go on and run a multinational and then become a motivational speaker. I want to do all that and more.
I would like my husband to be happy for me, to share this with me. It was our goal last year not just mine. He used to be so proud that he has his beautiful overachiever geek:) who wanted to change the world.
Now he is completely against my work, my dreams and my life style and wants to be with his parents (more like with his mother).
I can't compete with his mother Raymond. I just can't. She told me once that she will separate us and well she tried so hard. Most of our fights were because of her and her not so normal demands.
I do not know what to do. I thought I should write him a long email, an assertive one about how I see things or how I feel about everything. And then life will tell. I will see how it goes but is up to him. If he still loves me I am willing to help me if he wants his own life I am not running after him.
What do you think about the email?
You are a very nice person really. You deserve the best in life. I hope you will get it.

No problem Edgya. I can talk about my past because it doesn't hold me any longer. I do have a good life and a happy marriage as it happens. Glad you had some love in your childhood.

Maybe you ought to e mail him and tell him what you want out of life but it may well boil down to a choice of him or your career or maybe a compromise. Really I believe that a career should fit in with marriage not the other way around. He will have to make a choice about the options you lay before him. If you put your career before him then you will have to live with your choices, but I think it is a good idea if you talk about it with him in a calm way, if that is possible. E mail may be better as it is hard to argue on e mail.

chosen 18th April 2014 01:53 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by edgya1234 (Post 78781)
We have to agree to disagree:) Don't take me wrong I thank you for your time and advice however different persons want different things from life.

You are free to persue a career and make lots of money, but you wont be able to also have a good marriage and happy emotionally healthy children if you are rarely there and are always too busy. You may have to chose between your own ambitions and marriage. Maybe it wasn't right for you to think of marriage if you wanted to study and put your career first before your husband and any future children. You dont seem to have or want to have the commitment needed to make a marriage work or to support your husband in his life.
Your posts talk of yourself and of what YOU want to do, but to have a good marriage means that we cant do that, but must also think about our spouse and of their needs and wants and desires, and shock horror, even considering NOT doing some of the things that WE want to do make that marriage work. You seem to be expecting HIM to give all the support to YOU, and your desires, while not wanting to do the same for the marriage yourself. If you aren't prepared to make that commitment to the marriage and your husband, and make some compromises, then then how can it ever work?

edgya1234 18th April 2014 05:08 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen (Post 78786)
You are free to persue a career and make lots of money, but you wont be able to also have a good marriage and happy emotionally healthy children if you are rarely there and are always too busy. You may have to chose between your own ambitions and marriage. Maybe it wasn't right for you to think of marriage if you wanted to study and put your career first before your husband and any future children. You dont seem to have or want to have the commitment needed to make a marriage work or to support your husband in his life.
Your posts talk of yourself and of what YOU want to do, but to have a good marriage means that we cant do that, but must also think about our spouse and of their needs and wants and desires, and shock horror, even considering NOT doing some of the things that WE want to do make that marriage work. You seem to be expecting HIM to give all the support to YOU, and your desires, while not wanting to do the same for the marriage yourself. If you aren't prepared to make that commitment to the marriage and your husband, and make some compromises, then then how can it ever work?

Can I please ask you to ignore my posts? It seems that you got it all wrong and what you say hurts me. I am already hurt and do not need this on a forum.
My husband does not want to leave me because I want to continue my career he leaves me because financially we are in a bad place and I do not present any interest FINANCIALLY. The only thing bothering him more is my potential in the future to make more money than him. That is all. And he does not want the responsibility of children.
So please, is Easter and I was hurt enough. I do not come here to be judged. I really would appreciate if you just ignore my posts.

edgya1234 18th April 2014 05:33 PM

Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond (Post 78784)
No problem Edgya. I can talk about my past because it doesn't hold me any longer. I do have a good life and a happy marriage as it happens. Glad you had some love in your childhood.

Maybe you ought to e mail him and tell him what you want out of life but it may well boil down to a choice of him or your career or maybe a compromise. Really I believe that a career should fit in with marriage not the other way around. He will have to make a choice about the options you lay before him. If you put your career before him then you will have to live with your choices, but I think it is a good idea if you talk about it with him in a calm way, if that is possible. E mail may be better as it is hard to argue on e mail.

Hi I am so glad for you. You are a lucky one. My husband is not worry about me getting a career or not, he is just his own mean self I do not know for what reason.
My marriage went south when money were no longer coming in abundance. And now, when my business is going very bad, when I am struggling financially I present no interest. His anger comes from the fact that he seen himself in the position of helping me with money for few months.

I do not know anymore but I think that he and his mother planned since he was here. He was studying for 2 years (and I was working and he was one of the reasons I couldn't concentrate enough on business because he was acting like a child ), he worked for 6 months until he had a work accident because of a colleague - he had a contusion at the right leg - he was in medical for two months and then he didn't want to do anything, he didn't want to work etc. and we sort of decided we will go to Spain. So one day we argue, he gets angry calls his mother and decides he will just go first to make money in order to fix is condom I will stay to put things in order and after I am admitted to MBA (MBA was a method to find work easier in Spain - because of University network as well a method to make sure I make enough money in the future), it was what we decided. So everything is well and good until the middle of February when after he asking me every other day if I need any money I say ok you can send me money because it will be easier for me. This is how all started. What I think is that his mother was very upset - although I am coming from a wealthy family and I've always made more money than him she was comfortable with me spending money and not the other way around. I remember while we were dating, in the occasions we stayed at there house (because they were alone) his mother was always like wow you always buy clothes and stuff I wish I could do this. And well yes when I go to holidays I have time to shop and because I never had time I used holidays or business trips to buy everything I needed. As a business & marketing person I needed to look the part. So yes all our problems - or should I say his problem started when I told him I needed money - although he offered all the time. This is one of the main things he reproaches me in his mother's words. That I am selfish, that I don't know once I didn't think he was supposed to pay for the repairing of the car his father destroyed and his mother uses. No normal person goes in 2 months, because he/she should support his/her spouse from being normal to hating the other one. I mean not when I helped him for two years. I just supposed it was ok if he does it for few months. The only thing he has against my career and MBA are what his mother used to say. She used to be envious for what I could get and what my life is, what my future would bring. I think yes, he does not love me as he used to and she got to him. She wins. She can have him. I'm sick from shock and crying and I need to focus on me. I really can't take the drama. What he is doing does not seems real to me. All our friends are shocked - he is like dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

So now I am just trying to pick up the pieces and put myself together.
Have a nice Easter:)


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