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-   -   child produced from affair with married man (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=159)

sickwithsadness 10th May 2001 05:59 AM

child produced from affair with married man
This is a difficult one.Found out husband of 20 years has had a 3 year affair which produced a child, now age 1.We have two young children ourselves.He wants to save marriage, is obligated to pay child support for this other child, which he is doing, but wants emotional connection with child too. As wife, I feel this child is threat to our marriage and life with our children and cannot tolerate his wanting contact with child. In Christian perspective, where should his obligations lie? Whose needs should he put first? please advise.Thanks.

Liz 12th May 2001 02:59 AM

How hard it must have been to face this difficult situation. There are no easy answers. In order to save your marriage, your husband does need to give you and your children priority, and no doubt you are having to work through the pain of forgiveness.

However that child did not ask to be brought into the world and does need to know his father. Similarly it is not surprising or wrong for your husband to have concern and feelings for his child. On the other hand, the other woman may want to marry again some day and the new husband may be willing to be as a father to the child. In which case it would be sensible for them to agree a process to tell the child about his biological father at some appropriate point.

Are you concerned that if he sees the child he will be tempted to continue some sort of relationship with the other woman beyond the basics needed to care for the child? Or does his seeing the child present a constant reminder of what happened so that it's hard to move on? Perhaps you need to talk to him about the feelings you have around that, whatever they are, fear, anxiety, anger, pain, mistrust, so he can understand where you are coming from and reassure you. Can you also find it in your heart to listen to him and try and understand how he feels about the child?

You will also have to consider how much the children and others should know about what has happened and the timing of this.

The key issues from a Christian perspective are surely forgiveness, which involves not exacting payment or revenge for the hurt someone has done to you. Then there is the difficult issue of learning to trust again. To rebuild a marriage you need to return to the vows you made to each other of exclusivity and commitment through the difficult as well as the good times. Lastly God is a compassionate God who cares for the weak and helpless and the fatherless, so I would say the bible would support your husband caring for his child, but not in a way that damages his marriage to you and your family life together.

sickwithsadness 12th May 2001 06:02 AM

So, as I understand what you say, Husband should not care for child in way to damage marriage and our family life.However, he has involved our children in affair prior to my knowledge by introducing them to child without telling them of who child really is. I do not trust H to think of our children as he tries to involve self emotionally with this child. In fact, I believe he would damage our family life in doing so, and our marriage. I see child as constant reminder to me of our broken marriage vows and his infidelity--to parent child reinforces that to me daily. Should his parenting needs of this child supersede his responsibilities to his original family and wife? If he parents this child, I do think family and marriage will suffer and divorce will be imminent.Now what is Christian perspective? by the way, forgiveness is made more difficult by constant reminder of betrayal via involvement of child. I am trying to forgive, but child makes it impossible. I also question if child would not be better served with full time dad if mother of child finds partner to do this. now what?

Liz 12th May 2001 02:48 PM

Thank you for the further insight into the situation. I am not a theologian, but my understanding is that if I have broken vows or injured someone, then my responsibility is to seek forgiveness from the person I have wronged and to try to heal that broken relationship. I would also have to take responsibility for the circumstances my sin has created.

I would expect to take measures to heal my marriage first and then to work together with my spouse to face the consequences of the damage that had been done.

The real challenge in following Jesus is facing up to our sinfulness, turning away from it and seeking to make reparation where possible.

You are faced with the challenge of how to work this out with your husband. It is interesting that when Jesus was asked "Who is my neighbour?", he answered with a parable that ended with a different question, "Which of these three was a neighbour to the man who was robbed?"

Knowing whether your husband is acting rightly towards you is only part of the answer. How can you act mercifully and lovingly to your husband to enable healing in your relationship, while standing up for what is right and best for your marriage and your family?

Do you have a wise pastor that you can trust that you can both go and talk to, who can help you work through the issues and the pain you are facing?

[This message has been edited by Liz (edited 12 May 2001).]

mandy B. 19th July 2004 09:41 AM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
I wish I didn't understand what you are going through but I do. I am the one who had an affair with a married man and had a child from this. I was married myself. My husband and I worked through "many" problems. We prayed about the correct decisions for ourselves, our children and the baby. We choose to keep the baby and wanted to raise him as our own. We felt for our marriage survival and the healthiest choice for the baby would be to keep him from having to do "visitations". He needed to grow up as normal as possible. After many tears, prayers and arguements my husband was given the right to adopt him. I am so blessed to have a husband that is not only forgiving, loving and gracious but, wants to do the will of God.

It is still dificult at times. The biological father has done an awesome thing and stepped out of our life and temporarally out of the babys. We don't plan on keeping this a secret from him but, to give him a strong foundation first and bits of information at a time till he is old enough to understand the complexity of the situation.

This was right for us. It is not the right decision for everyone.
Three and a half years old now and a wonderful part of this family.

Do what is right for you. Set your ground rules on what you can handle.You need to be his first priority. Be loving if you can though. Don't forget to find out what got you two to the place where he felt he needed something somewhere else. It wasn't another person, it was a need not being met or communication gaps.
God heals many wounds!

We serve an awsome God that heals and mends and forgives.

sillybil 18th June 2013 07:42 AM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
I am glad to find this forum. My story is similar and going thru a very hard time at the moment. Married for 3.5 yrs, no kid together but we both really want one. We fight a lot then my husband went cheated on me and got this girl pregnant. This girl has other kids from other man too. So she is cheating on her partner too. I feel so sick thinking about this but I am not going to give up my marriage. I dont know what is the best way to deal with this. My H is exciting to have the baby as he always want a child. BUt I am so devastated that is it not with me. I dont know how to handle this, with him taking her to doctor and how about the birth that he wants to be there, then what happened after, he will be there all the time. I am so scared that he will fall for her and left me. He is not telling me, where she lives to protect her. how about me? I pray to God everyday to give me his wisdom to know what to do but I am suffering and hurt. I know the child is going to be constant reminder but my biggest problem is I dont want this woman in our life and I fear that she has the control since she is carrying his kid now. Has anyone deal with this before? please help me, I need some insight.

chosen 18th June 2013 12:46 PM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
This is so sad. I cant understand why your husband is taking her to the doctor and will be at the birth if she has a partner(who presumably thinks the child is his?)
Personally I could not deal with a husband who cant even be faithful after such a short marriage, and who is so insensitive to his own wifes feelings that he is acting as if he is HER partner and not YOURS.
Unless you can cope with this for the next 18 or so years, then what alternative have you but to separate? This is why Jesus allows divorce for adultery because of such betrayals and what is to stop him having sex with her again, or with another lady?
I would advise you to end this marriage before you bring another poor child into this mess. I am assuming that your husband isn't a Christian? You need a man with integrity and morals, and any future child you have needs a father who isn't going to cheat on his or her mother and father children with other women. His behaviour is disgusting.:mad:

Raymond 18th June 2013 01:14 PM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
I agree. It appears you are not seeing any repentance from him at all. Quite the opposite it seems. You are in danger of being a doormat if you put up with this behaviour. Adultery is legitimate grounds for divorce. As christians we are not forced to put up with that. If you choose to stay it is up to you but without his repentance it wouldn't be much of a marriage.

sillybil 19th June 2013 01:14 AM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
He did apologise at the beginning but now he said he is done being sad and he wants to be a good dad as having a child is what he always wanted and sadly it is not with me. BUt it is what it is he said and he wants to do what he thinks it is right to do. He wants to help this other woman, she doesnt speak english well, no car and obviously her partner left him. My H help her found a house for her and help her move etc. I dont know how I can move forward if he is still doing things with her. It make me sick everytime I think about it and I havent been able to think possitive about this. He got angry if I question to much and he wont tell me where she is. He tell her that I am with him coz he said he doesnt want to upset her or hurt her feeling as she is carrying his child (which what she claimed anyway, no test has proof this). He believes her, saying that she is good girl. Good girl does not sleep with someone husband and purposely have a child. How can I make him see what he is doing is not right. he hates to be told what to do but he has no idea how much he has destroy me,my self esteem is gone. I dont go out or do things with friends anymore. my friends hate me because I choose to work on this marriage. I am scared if I have something on then I will be missing out spending time with him which in turn he might then go to her again. I dont want this to happened again but he has not cut the ties with her because of the child. I dont want to walk away and let that woman have him. Then I am the only who lose everything and she gets it all. I know he is not a good man. But after knowing him for over 11 years and still with him, is that a sign from GOD that something has hold me to be with him or HE has a plan for me somehow. has anyone has to deal with this and if so how? is this going to work out? some says affairs can bring couple closer and stronger bond. I already feel like a doormat anyway and I know it is not a good thing but I dont want to walk out from this marriage. Many times I feel that maybe it is better off if I am dead then I will not feel the pain anymore and everyone is going to be happy.

sillybil 19th June 2013 01:16 AM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
sorry correction... he DOES not tell her that we are back together coz he doesnt want to upset her or hurt her feeling. Saying that we dont even talk about this stuff. He said he is doing what he think he needs to do to make sure the child is safe.

chosen 19th June 2013 09:41 AM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
Well his focus is on her and the child, and if he isnt even telling her that he is with you, his wife, in case she, who has committed adultery with another womens wife, is upset??????
Of course she is not a good girl, she has no morals or integrity, and the child may well not be his(her needs to ask for a paternity terst after the birth, especially if she had any other boyfriend)
I am sorry but he is acting like a jerk, and unless he repents and begins to think of you, I cant see that things will change. Is this the sort of man that you want to be married to and to father your child?
I think you may have had a lucky escape to be honest. I know its very painful but many of us here have had marriages break up, and have gone on to heal and be happy again and remarry.

Raymond 20th June 2013 08:36 AM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
Putting the best spin on it he committed adultery but repented of it but finds now that he is to be a father. That cannot be changed. He will rightly feel a responsibility to the child. There are consequences to his cheating and he has to handle them as honourably as he can.

However where it seems to be falling down is in not making it plain to her that you are his wife and that he is faithful to you. He must leave her in no doubt about this. Maybe it comes out of a fear that she will not let him near her if there is not a chance in having him. I don't know but honesty is the best policy here including total faithfulness to you. We cannot expect God to work out situations when we are not doing our bit in being honest and being totally faithful to the one we are married to.

chosen 21st June 2013 10:26 AM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
Raymond I agree that he will need to financially support the child and arrange visitation etc but that doesn't include going to doctors appts or being at the birth, or anything that isn't specifically for the child and not the other woman. He also needs to make it clear that he is with his wife and not her.Its a horrible situation and is hard to see how this marriage can survive the way it is.
This is one of those awful situations where it may be best to move on and in time find another man who is faithful and has morals and integrity. This man has none of those. He cant be trusted and I feel for the child with parents like them.
Of course as I said, he may well not even be the father anyway. He needs to have a paternity test done asap and in the meantime stay away from her.

Raymond 21st June 2013 12:47 PM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
There was an apology over the affair it seems and sillybil had mentioned that he is done being sad which shows that there might have been repentance, but I agree everything has to be played out very carefully. Responsibility towards the child (if it is his) with good boundaries kept with regard to the mother. I'm not sure about attending the birth. He will be the father of the child but not the husband of the mother. A difficult one.

sillybil 24th June 2013 03:13 AM

Re: child produced from affair with married man
Tks all for your reply. I really value them. This is the reason why I am not able to move forward due to his reaction. I realise he is not a good man, he has no good value in him let alone any intergrity. He told me that he doesnt want to be ashamed and actually excited that he is going to be a dad. Something that he always wanted. Thus he wants to makes sure everything is ok and safe with the baby. Since that woman carrying the child, he needs to do what he needs to do to make sure all ok and he has the right of the child here in the country. She was threatening him saying if she is not moving in with him then she will go back to her country. He got scared thinking that he will never see the child again thus made her stay. Now he help her find a house but I dont know where, a secret to me but his friends know this as he was helping him moving stuff to that woman house. I feel like calling her and confront her but then I know if I do that, she will tell him then he will get angry with me and I will never hear from him every again. But I want that woman to know where she stands. He wont tell her, maybe because he is afraid that she will threaten him not to let him see the child or something, I dont know. BUt it is killing me just the thought of him going to doctors with her, buying baby stuff with her, he wants to be at the birth as he wants to experience it. He is very selfish all he thinks about himself. I really wish that I dont love him at all so I can walk out easily. I also know that if I walk out I will be very unhappy but I am not completely happy with the situation now either. To top it up, his family doesnt talk to me, there were so many problems with them, with his criminal brother, his aggresive sister and bad influence of his mom. I used to be closed to all of them but slowly as we fight, they were ganging up to go against me. Long story anyway, it's been few years now. I am an adult, I just let it go if I want to make this marriage work but without his full commitment to me, this current arrangement is not working for me. I cried everyday, I stared at blanked, I dont put music on anymore as it makes me sad, I got very insecure when I see other pregnant woman and especially with the same nationality I know that other woman is. I feel sick in my stomach and I just feel that the only thing for me to end this feeling is to end my life. I dont really want to do that as I have an 18 years old child from my prev marriage. I feel even worse as I cannot have a child with him but he did it with a random who has no moral. How and when am I going to feel ok again... it is like I have to be in the best behavious with no complaint or being sad while he can do whatever he wants but not putting up with my emotional rollercoaster and expect me just to deal with it. He said he is with me almost everynight but it is the way it is now. Sure enough there is something in his mind what he needs to be doing but I dont know that. He took me to find a car with extra seats for the baby he said. My heart sank and I feel sick, then he refer time to time if we go away. I really dont know how it will work or what is in his mind but he refused to discuss it with me. He said he will tell me what he thinks I need to know that's all. And if I cant deal with it, I can go, he will understand. I jsut want to know if he is really committed to me but at this moment, we live separately and I feel that he wants to keep it this way, so he can do whatever he wants and he doesnt have to answer to me and he can run away anytime he wants. Why does he get away with doing this thing? why do I suffer? what have I done to deserve this? I just want to be happy with my husband. I feel that I am being punished but he is the one who did all this horrible things.

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