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templebob 21st September 2012 01:31 PM

Marriage Problems
My wife thinks its ok to lie, and use going out with friends as reason to cover up. the fact that she has being meeting other men friends in the evenings. Men, whom I do not know. I do not find this acceptable behavior do you agree or disagree? I would have no problem with her meeting male friends whom I know, but it is the fact that I do not know these males and that she has hidden it from me.

1aokgal 21st September 2012 03:39 PM

Re: Marriage Problems
Dear Templebob..

Welcome to the forum. How do you know she is "meeting men in the evenings" when she is out with friends? Are the women bar hopping together in their outings? It isn't appropriate she meet male friends you know or those you don't know, when out in the evening without you! Married women might take a movie together or restaurant outings, but if club hopping is the plan, I think that isn't acceptable. That just leads to problems.

templebob 21st September 2012 03:49 PM

Re: Marriage Problems
Because I have caught her out on each occasion, either by chat, text message or by accident as to whom she arranged to meet. They are supposed to be platonic friends but with using supposed girls nights out as cover then I am left confused especially answering Councillor that she sees nothing wrong and would not mistrust me if roles were reversed.

chosen 21st September 2012 06:07 PM

Re: Marriage Problems
A married person meeting a person of the opposite sex alone socially is not on. Why is she doing this? Even if you knew them why would she go without you? It seems she may be acting in a way that isnt right for a married lady, and has things to hide. Why not go out with her?

1aokgal 21st September 2012 10:12 PM

Re: Marriage Problems
Dear Templebob...

Quit playing detective tracking after her footsteps. It is very simple. Tell her that nights out without you to meet others crosses the line in this marriage. You might suggest next time she gives you story she will see a girlfriend..tell her you think you should tag along and make an evening together. If she pulls another evening idea tell her she may have to get a locksmith as you will bar her entrance to the house. Tell her that such behavior is not going to be tolerated and you find from looking into this, she has lied in the past. See what she has to say.

Go out with her when there is outing she wants to go to somewhere. If she lies about being out with friends and then she meets men instead, that is deception of the worst kind. Tell her you will not tolerate that behavior in future. Take a stand before you have a bigger mess in your lap!
If there is a big conflict over the issue, stand your ground. They say if you give someone and inch, they will take a mile. It seems you were too easygoing so she has stretched the limit with her unacceptable behavior.

If some counselor says it is OK for her to meet men, when she is out in the evening alone, than you need to change counselors as that one has water on the brain. She should not have evenings out alone. If she has a legitimate business meeting some evening that is a different story. I would say...use some vigilance in that respect and offer to drive and pick her up!

Why are you so passive and tolerant? Maybe she wanted to see some passion in your reaction to her activities? Instead she found it was OK with you. A child without limits feels unloved. In this case, she is acting out some immature behavior and perhaps testing your feelings. Your turn to call a halt there.
The ball is in your court..or you need to grow a pair.

If she is meeting men on the side, I doubt it is to attend a sewing circle! What is she looking for out there she can't find at home? Maybe you have to have a full fledged meeting of the minds to agree on what kind of behavior is acceptable or not in this marriage. In a traditional marriage married women do not slum around meeting other men whether YOU know them or not.

How long are you married?

templebob 22nd September 2012 05:00 PM

Re: Marriage Problems
18 years, 2nd marriage. married at 17, for me, first wife left me and our children after 16 years for a man 10 years younger, 3 years on as a single parent I met my present wife(her first marriage) she was single parent we had baby to merge two families together, My stepson is 21 and our daughter is 17. I am now nearly 54 look around mid 40's but wife has not changed a bit since we first met still gets asked for ID, now 41 maybe it is the age difference finally showing up or mid life for her, I don't know. since problems first showed up I have lost 37lbs and take her out every weekend but was surprised to find this last 3 years has been one of meeting these men as she was the one who always said she was happy at staying in at weekends too relax but then used girls nights out for excuses, had she just said that she wanted me to start going out instead, I would have made that effort, but I thought she was happy and always said she would not betray me in the way my first wife had.

1aokgal 22nd September 2012 05:36 PM

Re: Marriage Problems
Hi Templebob..

This repreat of your last marriage must be very depressing. I don't believe that "girls' night out" is a good idea unless it is once or twice a month and that to be for movies or restaurant outing. No way bar hopping or clubbing fits into the agenda as acceptable.

You are too accomadating and tolerant, where there needs to be some real confrontation. There has to be made very clear that you will not put up with this behavior. If it is girls night out say you will tag along. There has to be a showdown. There is also the nature of your intimate behavior, as it sounds she is definitiely slumming.

Did you need to lose 37 lbs or was that stress? I really think the age difference has little to do with the issues, if you are active, and keep working on your own appearance and health. I think this has to do with the closeness we feel to our mate and the respect and love that is demonstrated in the marriage. If you take her for granted, then she will seek to look attractive to others..that is a given. There has to be some heat in that marriage. That mostly comes from you! Why not suggest a couple days for a getaway?

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