Lost
 

I love my husband. We have been married 4 years, together for 9. I am 5 months pregnant. It's always been quite rocky, we are either fine or literally screaming at each other not speaking for days at a time. I am an artist. I am passionate, I am a talker, however I am really easy going, understanding, extremely (too) caring and giving. He is an engineer. Quiet, reserved and basically emotionless.

He has a drinking problem. He drinks generally only on weekends but literally has no control over it. He cannot stop drinking once he starts. He also smokes pot. Generally also on weekends. We've been going out to social functions (I'm still trying to be fun and not a nag). But each time I literally just watch him as he drinks himself into oblivion, and gets high. It's always been this way. But it doesn't even phase him that I'm pregnant. We are 36 years old. I'm basically his DD. This is every single weekend. He sees no problem with it.

Last week I had to work late, and he wanted to go to dinner, I was super excited because we hadn't had a nice date night in a long while. He showed up to my work high. I just said I'd rather not go to dinner. We went home instead and he continued to get high. He knows this bothers me, he knows I don't want to be around him when he is stoned. But that's what he chose to do.

The week following my dad started having major heart problems and was life flighted to a hospital. My husband offered to drive up (2hrs away) with me. He literally said not a single word to me the entire way up or back. I would have just loved a hug, or after if he would ask how my dad is doing.

There is never ever any emotional support from him. Never even a hug, or ask how I'm feeling. We are no longer intimate. We do "talk" and 'hang out' everyday. We spend lots of time together. But it's like he literally has no emotion in his body. He was basically obsessed with me when we started dating, then I guess it just progressed into marriage, I know we shouldn't have gotten married. I know I'll never be happy without feeling loved, or supported. I feel so alone. I mean he's always around, but just nothing emotionally. I'm dealing with this pregnancy, my dads health and my failing marriage. In my mind, I just wish I could have someone there for me, and I want it to be my husband. What can I do?

Re: Lost
 

OH dear you are right, you should not have stayed with or married someone who is a druggie and has a drink problem, and the sad thing is that you have decided to have a baby with this man despite the many many red flags screaming at you not to.

I think that you need to give him an ultimatum for this marriage, no more drugs and no more getting drunk. The thought of him looking after a baby/child while being high or drunk, even driving while high/drunk is horrifying.

I would suggest that you both go to marriage counseling (asap with the baby coming), where you can hopefully learn to communicate and work out plans for him to stop the drugs and drink, because he clearly wont control what he does on his own, and unless your sort this out, your child is going to be born and grow up in a home with rows, drugs and a drunk and high dad. At his age its about time he grew up, but you married him knowing all this so not really sure what you expected to happen.

Re: Lost
 

I would agree that counseling may be helpful here. I would not go out with him to be his designated driver. Let him know that things have to change--a baby is on the way. I think you need some help as a couple, and just know that you may be more emotional at this time which is normal because of pregnancy hormones.

You say you are not intimate anymore. But you must have been in order to get pregnant. Has he changed and become more distant since pregnancy? Have you? Could he be worried about impending fatherhood? You both need to talk to each other, to communicate. A counselor could help you do so.