Thread: today
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Old 11th May 2006, 03:25 PM   #44
Helen
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Re: today

Amanda,

It sounds to me as though you had a lucky escape from your former boyfriend. You are right - he sounds a bit perverted - plus it is clear that he wasn't playing with a full deck of cards anyway. This is the kind of person that ends up obsessive and killing their partner. Your husband should be more concerned. This man turned up at your former home and tried to kick the door in. What on earth would have happened if he had managed to get in? I am not surprised you are still frightened that he might find you. The man sounds dangerous but then they say weed does that to some people. Alas, I doubt he will recover, even if he stops the dope...If you don't have one, consider getting yourself one of these personal alarms that shrieks really loudly. I think they are called rape alarms. That way, if he approaches you again, you can set it off and hopefully someone will come to rescue you.

I know you want your marriage to work but I wanted to say that your husband isn't the only normal bloke out there! There are plenty of others. But I understand that you love this man and want to be with him too. That said, you would be endangering your own wellbeing (in terms of your mental health) by clinging onto a relationship that might not be working just to prove a point to your family. I am not saying this is what is happening now. What I am saying is it may be necessary to move on one day and you should not let what others might think influence your actions. Ultimately you have to do what is best for you and the kids and hanging around in a marriage where there are ongoing questions about fidelity and honesty would do none of you any good.

A dysfunctional family seems to be the lot of an awful lot of us. Most people who have met my mother and my siblings say I am the only normal person out of all of them. We had a pretty rough upbringing (my dad drank and beat us all every day) and that left mental scars. My brother and sister are very angry people (I coped with my childhood by being studious and dealt with my own anger via therapy as an adult). My siblings go on and on about life, the lack of opportunities they have had and the fact that their colour has disadvantaged them. Sigh. Well, they had access to the same opportunities as me and I am darker than my sister but that didn't hold me back! I did suggest to my sister that she think about therapy as she is so angry that it has aged her. She is only 11 months older than me but she looks a lot older because she is always scowling and has, as a consequence, developed lots of frown lines. She is less angry now but she hasn't had any therapy to date...

I can understand your fear of being sucked back into your dysfunctional family if things don't work out between you and your husband but I can tell you now - it will never happen. Why do I say this? Because you are completely different from them and because you have no desire to live in the same way as they do. This is a choice YOU have made. It is nothing to do with your husband and you know it. I am pretty sure if they tried to get you to adopt their way of doing things, you would refuse. Do not let your fear stop you from doing whatever might be necessary in the long term to secure your happiness. You sound like a strong woman and a moral one too. From what I can tell, there is no danger of you going down any path that you do not want to tread. Even if your marriage crumbles (and let's face it, many do) it still won't mean you are just like them. Not at all. All it means is your marriage ended.

Take care Amanda and thanks for sharing your background with us. It did help me to understand why you are hanging in there in the face of some dubious behaviour on your husband's part.


Helen
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