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Old 5th August 2004, 11:56 PM   #11
lissa
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I also don't agree that because a man watches porn this will make him a rapist! I do however believe it will destroy your relationship. I found out a few years ago that my husband had porn. This man was my world, my rock and I would have died for him on the spot, but all that changed. Initially it wasn't even the porn that was the problem, more the secrecy and sneaking about, the what i perceived to be his enjoyment at hidding porn from me and the l deceit. I tried everything, ,i asked him to stop as I felt it was inappropriate to have this material in a house where children live, i threatened to leave and in the end, sick of all his lies and hidding his stash, i said have what you want as i was too tired to argue. He informed me that all men have porn, i'm uptight and that other women don't mind, so neither should I. Basically he does as he pleases.
It got really bad at one point and he only slept with me a handful of times in 4 years. (i actually got pregnant because i wasn't taking precautions as we slept together so rarely.) I have been on anti depressants over his behaviour towards me, I didn't know how far away he could push me. AS i lay in bed one night i heard him groaning over some naked girl on the computer and i just wanted to die. Needlees to say i lay there crying when all i wanted was a little bit of love and attention. For 4 years my husband masturbated over porn at least once and usually more times a day. Because of this we didn't even consumate our marriage for a week.
I wouldn't regard myself as unattractive,was certainly no prude in the sex department and was still in my early twenties at this point. On rare nights out, hen nights and such, i got lots of male attention when all i wanted was a hug from anybody, usually my best friend stepped in here. Once things had got to the lowest ebb, me picking his used tissues up that he had left on the floor and my daughter finding a tape, we went to councelling. Along came promises of of don't leave me i'll stop, but he never did, he just lied some more. Now with my 7th wedding anniversary approaching and my 30th birthday nearing all i can think about is how desperately unhappy porn has made me. People(men) say i doesn't mean anything, thats not how it feels when you lie in bed night after night, near enough begging your husband to come with you, only for him to say he'll come to bed later.
Now however we do sleep togeter, after councelling he still has the porn, but he sleepswith me also(nice of him). He says hes a changed person, things got out of hand but he's in control of the situation now. He also said he had a high sex drive, then why not sleep with me. And if thats the case why need porn, why not just masturbate without it. When we sleep together now it is just sex, he says he loves me, but i'm not really interested. Its not that i dont love him, i dont know if i do or dont really it s more i'm numb to him, sometimes, often i wish he'd just go away, but then how would i pay the bills. I feel trapped in an marriage, that if you forget about the porn issue is a good marriage,but one which makes me sad. When i think about our early years together, the love and trust, it's like that person i loved is dead. And no matter how nice he is to me a barrier will always be there, because i can't be hurt like that again.
For instance i would never initiate sex, i firmly believe he made a choice, porn instead of his wife.And now when he sleeps with me its in my head that he'd rather be pleasing himself on the computer. The porn, the hurt, the lies, the continually being pushed away night after night ruined my marriage. Yes he was an addict and i know a lot of men don't use porn this obsessively. There are lots more humiliating details i could tell you about, but you don't need me feeling sorry for myself when you need advice. My only advice would be, decide before you marry him can you put up with the porn yes or no and if the answer is no i personally dont think you should put your self through years of heartache. In his defence he didn't lie to you and in my experience that counts for a lot.

good luck
chellex
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