View Single Post
Old 22nd October 2015, 04:03 PM   #1
DBRYR4
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 6
Exclamation Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

I’m afraid and I don’t know why

I’m afraid of letting go, afraid of sex, afraid of.. just afraid. I don’t know why.

I was raised in what I thought was a lax catholic family but I really don’t know anymore. Growing up I was just told to toughen up and move on. To hide things and let them go.

To move on.

Maybe I haven’t, maybe I’ve let things bottle up for so long that now they’re tearing my fiancé’ and myself apart at the seams. We want to start a family, we want kids, but the bedroom is dead and my desires as a car guy have gone from just having the perfect car and losing it, to now trying to gain that back at any cost.

Any cost.

That cost may as well be my relationship but I’ll be damned if I give it up. Every time I reach that point, that precipice, that razors edge I pull myself back and tuck it away. Move on and leave it for another day, another month.

Year 4.

My fiancé can’t do so as easily. In fact she’s losing it but there’s a calm about her at the same time. We both break down weekly now, just crying and never solving anything. Hell I’m crying now just writing this and she took the night off to help me. We’re at wits end and know the problem is me; I just refuse to give up and keep pulling her back in.

The debt I’ve raised has now made me dependent on her, not just emotionally. It’s a damned disaster and I’m constantly trying to pick up the pieces.
Then I just fall back into my habits of tucking it away, letting it go, and finding some kind of distraction.

Porn, though really it does nothing for me anymore.
Looking up car parts on craigslist
Looking up that next car
Looking up the latest info on video games
Looking up the latest info about Cars

These are some of my distractions.

I bought a car after someone hit my friends truck (I was at the wheel) and just indebted myself to him because I felt bad. To the point of signing a contract to make sure I don’t stiff him the cash.

I admitted myself to the ER because of fears of suicide and now I pay the price with medical bills from that stint.

I still owe out the butt for my degree which I use on a daily basis but question whether or not it was worth it (Love the ever loving hell out of my job)

There’s still more I could share but I felt that maybe, just maybe there’d be some ear out there aside from that of my fiancé; who’s had it beyond the bun on her head, that would listen and offer advice.

I’m scared to death of going to a therapist because all of my past expierences with them haven’t been that of someone who listens but more of someone who just sits there and lords an opinion over me.. at least in my opinion.

It’s made me physically sick now how much I can’t even open up about life, love, sex, anything. I just lock up but it’s taken the razors edge and one hell of an emotional meltdown to bring me to this. My fiancé is going to post this on my behalf because she’s researched this thing to hell and back and I’m still at square one..

I need help.
DBRYR4 is offline   Reply With Quote