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Old 21st September 2011, 06:48 PM   #12
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving..

Truth be told, I am not always the most diplomatic in expressing response to situations. We talk here before the handshake and small talk....right to the core. That is the intimacy of these discussion forums that a poster may not always hear agreeable, but truth, as responders sift through the information we are given. We don't see it all. We don't hear the other side and I do believe we impose ourselves into the situation, based on our various training and backgrounds. Counsellors listen, they seldom talk and don't usually give a lot of FB. Self determinism means they are trained to allow a patient to reach their own conclusions. Here we make suggestions and honestly, might suggest a slap on the hand as well, when we see it that way. Amazingly, there is often a sense of release for a poster and while not judgmental, I think we see pretty clearly.

I feel your panic at how clip and clear she is about her intent. In past she was so agreeable to follow your lead. That stance she has is to now set in her heels and if you put pressure she will be out of door so fast your head will spin. So I say..back off completely on discussions. The only discussion you should have is to say you regret where you both are in this space now and at odds.

You didn't state ages? I wonder what moved you to decide to adopt a child when only married a short time. Most couples spend perhaps 5 years to enjoy the relationship and to see how well that works before adding children. If you are a bit older than I get that time might be moving faster. Just trying to get the picture.

This child is a once in a lifetime for her a chance to be there to live the precious moments that are too soon gone in childhood. She will miss most of that working full time. The caregiver will see and experience the molding of the child. I remember I had to return to work when my daughter was 3. I attended college classes the first 3 years so was mostly there with hours in schedule so I put time to enrich life later and was still with her those first years. When I returned to work it tore out my guts to drop her off with this fabulous woman who took several other kids in her care. I often cried as I drove to work out her driveway. I felt sometimes the child didn't even know I was gone. She had such a fine time there. That hurt, at the same time I was delighted to have found a perfect fill-in for me so I could work. If my, then husband, had been reliable, made decent money and been a good guy I would have remained with her two more years until school age. I divorced him when she was four for multiple reasons.

It sounds as if her dissatisfaction came to a serious turn with the decision to work with the child. She told you loud and clear her desire to be home the early years. I think that decision was a huge mistake. Whatever income she earns wasn't worth the tradeoff there. There is also the fact today the internet offers many people the chance to find a home income opportunity. Her health risk does change how one thinks because we (me too) see things as immediate. I think it is true I view life in a shorter outlook. That is why I personally believe the idea to provide for two children needs, with such fragile health, would be a mistake. She sees today and NOW as precious. Once a cardiologist points out your X-ray and describes why your life has an approximate risk, everything takes on a different prospective. The desire to experience today is brought home with a bang. So I am sure that is a focal point of why you see things differently.

While this baby is important, having the baby is not the reaon to stay in an unhappy marriage. So put that aside. Focus on what can be changed in the relationship between the two of you first. If you use that as a reason in your talks, that will not have the glue to offset the problems between the two of you. It does sound as if she is very serious and her family will give her help, so she is intent on that plan. The only thing that might work is to lessen the tension by not discussing this and to give her the space as she asked. Why not get an evening free and go out to dinner and NOT discuss problems and do have small talk. Perhaps you can stay together and go to counselling to make the marriage work.

A counselor will assess a marriage by talking to each alone to see the landscape of where that couple stands. The best thing would be if you can do some nice things together and bide time. If you barb-b-que, then make a nice meal and enjoy on weekend. Work, new responsibilities and a 5 month old baby would be hectic on any woman, let alone one in precarious health. I assume you know taking a turns in the kitchen can sure warm a womans' heart. My husband is a stunning cook and makes it all special with a flourish. I sure appreciate all of that help. I am sure she does not want to have deal with any more pressure so see if you can just let some of this rest.

Tell her how important she is to you. The focal point of staying together is the love you share and not the daughter. It is all about the wife FIRST. Then the child next. Don't say you stick together for the child, because that can't be the glue for years together. It is also about the belief you have that the marriage is sacred and special...that you were meant to be together. Whatever magic brought you together has to be in there somewhere still after two short years. That is what you have to dig to reignite.

Be the man you were then. Maybe she will see and hear in you what will be the key here in this bad time. If you lost faith, then here is where you need to find it. I would say once she is out that door the marriage is history. So don't demand time to argument, but give her help. Assure her that you are willing to work on things.

We don't have too thin skins here on the forum and do want to help. Take suggestions and use what you can, and consider the rest. How often will you see counsellor?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st September 2011 at 07:13 PM.
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