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Old 21st September 2011, 11:15 PM   #15
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving..

The problems that existed in your marriage may go very deep with both of you in subliminal feelings or reactions. One session with a counselor will not get you FB as you most desire. Most counselors work as a team so the case is reviewed with others to form a "treatment/game plan" for your situation. It does help to build a blueprint of where you stand. I does build trust between you and a worker. It lays groundwork needed before your wife add s her feelings to the mix. Some churches offer pastoral counselling free. In the US there are divorced/separated/problem group meetings which are fabulous. These groups are listed in calendar section of local newspaper. The meetings are helpful and free.

You heard me right that I do believe once she has moved out that all resolution for you both has passed. That break means the differences are irreconcilable. It takes powerful emotions for a person to detach to that point. Few will go backwards when they establish a new home or get a place . If they do go back most often it is a big mistake and will fold again for good. It is easier to proceed forward.

Right now if you move too much in her face and she feels immense pressure, she will blow out the door just to get peace and space. That is where it stands now .....a pressure cooker. It may not be what you talk about, but what you do at this point to turn the clock back.

Men are not great for this one, but can you think in your mind to change places with her just for this last year? Can you relate to having a ticking time bomb in your chest? Can you view things from that angle, to see days as precious, irreplaceable and each day more than the days events?
There is an immediacy about the days one lives. Money means nothing in a pine box. Family means everything. I don't care her age, but I do speak as a relatively fearless person who lives with a life threatening condition. One really can wonder if we will wake up in the morning or if we can love before it is too late. Jobs, promotions ..can you see that is all petty in the scheme of this?

The smile of a child, the love of husband and the reaching out for comfort is every darn thing. That is her world. Your world is making ends meet and balancing things and doing the tough stuff because you are resilient and you have time. That is what went off here because her world is narrow and focused by necessity. She will cut you out and every distraction that takes away her peace and enjoyment of time. I would do that as well. So you have to be the cog that makes this wheel turn by her being more in the center of things. You must revolve around her. She does not need to fit into your plan. Your priorities don't mesh.

You have a gift there in this woman and this child. It is up to you to do as your parents said, "fix it!" They are putting confidence in you that when you see this last year from her shoes you may understand why she is detached. One detaches as a defense mechanism to pain and being hurt.
She will put distance because she feels not heard nor understood. Her world is limited and yours is not. I believe in you and that you can heal some of these events and be man unafraid to show her an exposed heart. She has to see your pain.

Here is how a man who is emotional will talk. " I value you like my eyes. You mean as much to me as my very own breath. Nothing means anything in my life without you. I will do anything you ask of me or whatever you need to make life better for you. If you decide I failed and I'm not the man for you than I will help you with whatever you need from me." Words like this, heart felt, are powerful. Do not talk about problems or visitation or that kind of thing, but express feeling and just let her know where you are seeing things from her eyes for the first time.

I believe that love is a powerful thing and can heal and close a divide between people. When you say these things, don't move in her space or smother, but say matter of fact..this is how I feel about you. Once that is out there..then these facts are in her court.

Time to break out good guy recipes and lovely music.
PS Do continue to see counselor somewhere as these are actions she will see that you make for her.
Good luck with things.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 22nd September 2011 at 12:58 AM.
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