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Old 23rd March 2009, 02:56 PM   #52
Ageing Grace
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I dunno, Ray. I've just copied this from the book site you recommended above:

"The Asperger Couple's Workbook
Practical Advice and Activities for Couples and Counsellors Maxine Aston
Asperger Syndrome (AS) can affect some of the fundamental ingredients required to make a relationship work, such as emotional empathy and communication."

I've discussed Asperger's in some other threads. Whilst I know of many couples where one partner is Asperger's, and the other can live with that, I'm acutely aware that I could not live with it.

For me, emotional empathy & communication are the foundation stones of a relationship. A partner whose brain is simply not wired to understand those functions - even if they learned to go through the motions - would be a source of deep unhappiness for me. If you were to ask your wife how she feels about something, Raymond, and her only true reply was always - and could only be - "I have no feelings about it", would you be so sure of your views?

Andrew says he was emotionally confused when he married. Perhaps he made a wrong choice and has only now gained enough self-knowledge (and courage) to recognise that. I don't know for sure.

I agree with you that love is an action. Very often, a partner's complaints are selfish. Very often, they can fix their perceived marriage problems with a change of attitude. But not always.

Sometimes you sail exceedingly close to the "You made your bed, now you must lie in it" school of thought. That sentiment is neither tolerant or kind, nor does it embody Christian values. In some cases it's downright dangerous. Dawn's husband, as you know from her own thread, is horribly abusive and has destroyed her confidence. Do you really believe "right actions" will repair the disaster she calls her marriage?

In fact - I'm sure you don't, Raymond. I fail to grasp why you keep repeating the same advice, even though you have the intelligence & sensitivity to understand the variations within relationships described in these forums.

@ Andrew - What led to your wife's diagnosis a few years ago? Did she seek it herself, or was it prompted by you? It must be awful for you that she "sees you as her Dad" but, as far as I'm aware, this isn't connected with Asperger's. Is she in therapy for the effects of her childhood experiences? Perhaps the two of you are on a parallel course, just at different stages right now ....

What do you think?

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