View Single Post
Old 30th March 2009, 12:36 AM   #2
Ageing Grace
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: Please somebody help me

Hello, Siskin.

What came out of your counselling sessions? It seems odd that you went to all the trouble of working to understand your marriage - and, now, posting here - without offering any insights as to why this might be happening. I am sad to hear you're so upset, and I know how annoyance can interfere with good will. So please forgive me if I seem to be asking too many questions!

It often happens that people confuse money with love and/or appreciation. This becomes chronic with people who were given gifts instead of affection, when they were children. If your wife is actually spending a lot of your money on things for the kids, it seems quite possible that she's repeating her own childhood pattern. Have you thought of this? Did it come out in counselling?

If you believe that is the case, then simply providing positive feedback - hugs, smiles, chitchat - could be all that's needed to fix both your relationship and your children's developing "things" problem. It wouldn't happen overnight, but you'd probably see improvements quite rapidly (and feel better for it!)

The fact that she initiated counselling - and that you joined in - says not only that there's a serious problem in your marriage, but also that you are both willing to make an effort to fix it You have no idea what a plus that is! Most couples only realise there's a problem when the marriage has already ended. Don't underestimate what you've got, between you. It's worth a bit of leg-work!

Your post fizzes with annoyance about what she's spending. I'm not saying you're wrong - it is true about people mixing money up with love, and your wife sounds like a classic case ... but your level of irritation with that is quite special

Given that we've never met, and you've only posted once so far, I'm going out a limb here. Is it possible that money=love for you also? If money's tight, it's natural that you would feel like your relationship was going downhill - because you'd feel as if you didn't have "enough" to give. And she'd feel like she wasn't getting "enough". It's all a bit bonkers, but may be worth giving some thought ... ?

I can easily offer you ideas on how to have a great time - with and without the kids - for free, and millions more for nearly free - but this is a worldwide forum so you'll probably need to find resources closer to home!

The important thing, for now, is probably to figure out this 'money' thing between you - as in: Does money represent more, to each of you, than simple spending power? Did you both have 'provider' Dads (or one was, and one failed?) How much time have you spent together, wasting time, holding hands, doing nothing much for free? Do you need to practice having a lovely time without spending anything apart from nappy-money?

Most of this probably sounds really glib. I'm sorry. But I'd love to hear your reply!

Cheers
AG
Ageing Grace is offline   Reply With Quote