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Old 1st December 2014, 08:46 PM   #1
bobg01
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 3
Feeling Alone And Confused in My Marriage

Hello, my wife and I have been together for 20 years, married for ten. This is my first marriage and her second (Her first marriage ended because her ex had an affair and ended up marying the other woman). We have no kids together, only a step son and he is an adult now. I am 43 she is 49.

My wife suffers from depression and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia about 10 years ago. She does not go to therapy for her depression, all she does is take anti-depressants. To me it seems like they don't really work.

As far as interests, we don't have much in common. When I was younger I was really into outdoor recreation and atheletic activities. She never was. I would bring it up to her and she told me that couples don't need to have everything in common to have a good relationship. So I pretty much went off and did my own thing for a number of years. I had my friends and hobbies and she did her thing. Seems like the only things we had in common were partying and eating. We both got fat as the years went on and turned into couch potatoes. Six years ago she stopped working and now just stays at home. At first having her at home was good, now she does nothing but take up space. She barely gets dinner on the table and never even bothers to make herself look good for me. Everything was kind of okay up until about a year ago. Weight wise I was bordering on morbid obesity (I was 100 pounds overweight). I couldn't get it up because I was overweight and out of shape so sex was pretty much out (although it had been on the decline for other reasons as well). But the biggest kick in the rear was being told by my doctor that I was pre-diabetic. That hit me like a ton of bricks. So in cliche fashion, I made my 2014 new year's resolution to lose weight and get in shape. I'm happy to report that as of today I am 23 pounds away from my goal weight, my health problems are all but gone, and I feel 10 years younger. Everything in my life is great.....except for my marriage. I am terribly unhappy and don't know what to do. Due to a combination of her depression and pain from fibromyalgia my wife has pretty much become a recluse. Her only link to the outside world is Facebook (which she spends way too much time on-yet another problem in our marriage). She has really let herself go. She makes no effort to look attractive to me. Her daily outfit is sweat pants and an old t-shirt. No make up, no jewelery, no doing her hear. In fact, she probably only bathes two times a week. Maybe I am just a shallow jerk, but I find it very hard to get aroused when she presents herself the way she does. True, when I was a fat slob I didn't exactly care about my appearance either, but that has changed. In losing nearly 100 pounds, I found my inner vanity. I DO care about how I look. I see the way I present myself (how I dress, my physical appearance) as an outward sign of how I take care of myself. I worked hard to lose all this weight. I spend a lot of time every week working out. I am proud of my acomplishments and I want to show it off. I went from not caring to loving clothes. I have also developed a new attitude about healthy living. Not only does eating right and exercise show respect for my body, but I believe that taking care of myself shows respect for my partner. I care enough about her that I want to look good for her. I want to be desirable, I want to be a hunk. I also want to be healthy enough to be a life long provider and meet her sexual needs. Unfortunately my wife sees it differently. She tells me that I have turned into a shallow jerk since losing weight and she would love me just as much if I weighed 400 pounds.

The changes I have made in my life aren't just on the outside. I have always been a very negative person. I made a resolution to change that along with getting thinner. The problem now is that my wifes negativity really brings me down (where I didn't notice it before). I feel as if she has a very strong victim mentality. She will say that she wants to do things, just that fibromyalgia and depression keep her from living a normal life. I see it as her just giving up trying. She has no interest in giving up smoking, no interest in healthy eating, and no interest in exercise. Healthy living has become a priority to me and I want a partner who shares in that. About ten years ago we did diet together for a few months. We also worked out together. I look back fondly on those times because I think the time spent together on a common goal made our bond stronger.

Sex in our relationship is non-existant. I am horny as a teenager now that I am healthier and she is frigid as an iceberg. In fact, this is very sad to say, but in 20 years I really can't recall having sober sex. My wife is very inhibited except when she drinks. We have had some wild drunken sex. Well wild drunken sex with a party girl is cool when you are in your 20's. A slobbering, horny, alcoholic middle aged woman-not so sexy. So I became turned off by her around the same time my male troubles started. When I could not rise to the occasion, I just (sadly) wrote off sex. But now I want it, just not with the woman my wife has become, and that really doesn't matter anyway, since she hasn't expressed any desire at all now that she has given up drinking.

I feel like I get nothing from my wife. She contributes nothing financially to the relationship. She and I have no interests in common. I am tired of her depression, negativity, and unwillingness to do anything but Facebook. She does no housework at all (again claims fibromyalgia keeps her from doing anything, but I wonder if poor diet, no exercise, and smoking a pack a day has anything to do with it). She can't even be bothered to make herself look presentable to me. But the biggest issue I have lately is the lack of romance. If I am honest, it never really was there. She never was the cuddly, romantic type. I guess I was okay with that in the past, but now I am not.

I feel like I am going through some big changes in my life and now I am looking at what my relationship has been and I am no longer happy with it. When I try to bring my feelings up, I am always made to look like the bad guy. I am selfish, shallow, and uncaring for wanting a wife who looks good and shares a common interest in healthy living. I am a terrible husband for expecting my wife to do things like cook and clean (or get a job) because she has fibromyalgia. Then she tells me that all these things I say put pressure on her and make her more depressed and withdrawn.

Boy do I hate marriage. Either I make my wife happy at the expense of my happiness or I make myself happy at the expense of my wife. Is it possible to find a middle ground? For the record, I have mentioned marriage counseling and my wife has shot that idea down.
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