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Old 19th March 2009, 09:59 PM   #44
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

OMG, I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Thank God for this age of the internet, where I can find complete strangers sharing something I can totally identify with. In times past, there would have been few people to talk about this kind of sensitive subject with.

It's only fairly recently I have been totally honest with myself that maybe I don't love her, and never have. The last poster could be me, living my life. This phrase in particular sums it up:

"When I contemplate this, I am forced to admit that I am attracted to the notion of finding someone more attractive. That isn't to say that my wife isn't attractive but you probably know what I mean. For me, I want someone I can grow old with and be proud of and always be attracted to--someone with whom I have more in common and someone who I can be passionately and romantically in love with."

Sigh. So true, and such a deeply held wish for me. I believe I made a mistake 15 years ago in getting married. We weren't right for each other - maybe as friends, but not in all the deep, loving ways a marriage demands. The deep respect and regard just aren't there. This is true from both sides, but more from my side. If I'm honest, I feel a mix of both love and repulsion towards her.

I was young and infatuated - read needy - when I met her. I had come out of an abusive, neglectful childhood. I was in recovery, but still had a long, long way to go at that point. I was nowhere near the point of self-awareness, and facing all the legacy of pain that was mine from growing up.

Now I am, and have faced it. I am a completely different person, and sadly feel that I have "outgrown" her. That sounds awful, but it best describes how I feel.

So, do I want to stay, and wonder about what could have been, or so I want to go, and risk wondering about could have been if I'd stayed? We have two beautiful kids, and they would be deeply hurt if our happy (on the surface anyway) family life was to end.

I appreciate everyone who has shared on this difficult subject, and thanks for reading.
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