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Old 5th May 2014, 07:48 PM   #2
Posts: n/a
Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?

Welcome to the Forum...

I'm so sorry to hear how sad and puzzled you must be by your husbands' lack of interest in sex in your marriage and the implicit rejection you feel about that issue. As it has continued a long while, you have undergone many emotional upheavals as you seek to understand and explain his behavior. You love your husband, and you seek to do whatever you can to "win" back his affection. I understand the emotions you feel of being sad, unhappy, and angry, as you struggle to deal with feeling very isolated and trying to cope with your own emotional and physical need to love and be loved. One doesn't get married to be sexually celibate.

Your situation is shared by many women internationally. The "sexless marriage" seems a phenomenon of modern times as jokes/stories always point at the "poor men" suffering silently, in sexless marriages, while the women are the "Refusers." That fable is pretty much far from true. It seems that women are the ones who hear he is "too tired" most of the time.

I won't go into what hell this can cause the one who is rejected by a mate! Let us say this shameful problem, to be rejected by ones' spouse, can cause a huge amount of psychological perceptions, as one internalizes that somehow they are "not right", to point a mate would not want to be with them sexually. The sin belongs to the spouse who cuts his ties and leaves the other partner to deal with the issues this causes, while they live in their own isolated world that may include pornography with images or internet use, masturbation, or possibly infidelity to meet their own needs. Meanwhile such a man will not discuss nor make clear why the denial of ones' partner takes place. Maybe they are a great husband in all points, but sexual intimacy, which does not exist in a sexless marriage.

This rejection can leave a wife to fester in a quandary to understand what they have done to lose a husbands' love and what they must do to "win" back the "unwinnable" spouse, in some manner, which seems just beyond reach to accomplish. So the sexlessness in the marriage is the "elephant in the room" between the parties. Some couples will argue and find it becomes a monologue. She accuses, and he leaves the room, too offended to discuss the issue (which to him does not exist.)

Dear Lady, I will tell you this. You are not alone. That issue likely will never be explained or your marriage repaired. This a sexless marriage is a complex issue with many underlying causes with the man that range between emotional problems and physical issues. There can be low "T" issues that can be medically detected, BUT if a man has no interest to do that...or to discuss the problem at all, it is not going to be fixed, Many men prefer masturbation to coital sex. They are practiced in self pleasure, and are so good at it, that no sexual stimulation is going to improve that "high" gained. Some men cannot form an alliance with another human being, except masturbation. Some men are homosexuals and either practice that preference, after marriage, or feel subliminally love in a nether world of desire for same sex. You probably have become a detective to examine all aspects of your husbands' life to reach some understanding of your life together. I am sure these aspects may be considered. The truth is that statistics show this problem seldom gets FIXED.

So here is what I can tell you. Don't try to understand him any longer! Don't argue, plead or cry about this. You will make yourself sadder and sicker than you are today. DO become strong and put your love into your children, yourself, and your home.

Many women drown the problems of their feelings of rejection in some form of addiction...alcohol, food, shopping or some outlet to make yourself feel better. This is all self gratification not gained anywhere else. These habits can also be form of introjected anger. We can't be angry at the person we love, so we turn the anger into ourselves. Work on "feeling" issues. Join a gym, a social club, get a bike and ride with others, take some classes, and concentrate on your wellness and happiness. Decide whether you want to live with PART of him. You either accept that or make changes to yourself that mean you will end the marriage. If anyone can give you advice on this problem, I can.

You asked some questions in your post. Is it normal to feel isolated with no sexuality in your life? Yes. Most people who loves someone wants to be close to them, and sex is part of the covenant of marriage. Are you sinning to think of someone else sexually, in the absence of a relationship with your marriage? Some would say that is a sin, since you are committed to one person in the marriage. I say the sin is committed by the "refusing spouse" your husband, who has put you "out there" adrift with his failure to meet his responsibility, as his body belongs to you, his wife. To abstain, as he has sexually, is abnormal, and sinful. Your having thoughts, temptations and concerns is normal. I would say that you would be making a HUGE mistake to step outside this marriage, until all options are explored, to alter that situation. Statistically, the reports are pretty negative that a "sexless marriage" can change, but so long as you love him, and he might realize the damage to his marriage, it is possible...just not probable.

Do some reading on the subject of "Sexless Marriage" and you will understand that pornography may very likely be the outlet of choice for your husband. That is true in many cases. Some issues are slightly fixable, but only with a lot of counseling for both. Good luck.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 6th May 2014 at 07:34 AM.
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