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Old 26th May 2014, 02:37 PM   #8
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3
Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

1aokgal - your words are comforting in that you've totally understood my plight.

I've spent years resenting him, being angry, hating myself, hating him, done all the things you said. We're not kind to each other we're horrible. How can anything change even if there was a remote chance of change.

But it's time to look after myself. Be kind to myself and be kind to him. He doesn't understand or doesn't want to. But the facts are I am not leaving this marriage and I am not going to look elsewhere. Am I going to stop thinking about someone else - I am not going to promise but I am going to divert my mind onto other things. Let the urge pass rather than give into it.

I see this as god testing me regards self control. I'm not going to say I'll never self love that's unrealistic but if it satisfies am immediate need so be it. I can move on with my day.

When I can control my thoughts and behaviour it creates a better home environment for all and it does not mean he changes it just means there's more peace in the house.

What you say about this never been fixed - I can see that now - resentment and anger comes from trying to change the unchangable.

It may be corny but that prayer about acceptance of what I can't change, courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I have to accept this situation and within it create my own happiness with gods help. It's not giving in and I'm not going to live half a life - there's a bit missing and it makes me sad but it could be worse I may never have met him and I wouldn't have had my two precious little angels that give my life purpose - I'm going to do the best with what I've got. Isn't that what god wants- makes the most of our lot than whine for stuff we can't have?

I'll know I'll have my off days and I will yearn for him - which physically is linked to my cycle that wants etc are stronger at that time and so are the moods so recipe for disaster every month.

I need to make more of myself I don't like how I look so I'm going to work on myself - for me.

I've spent many hours, years and shed many tears - has it changed anything - not one bit.

Has it made us all unhappy - yes.

So no solution to the actual problem but time to try and move on. Do I make it sound easy? I know it's not. I know there are fundamental issues here but sometimes they are just beyond us to resolve. If I could draw it it would be a big tangled ball of yarn. And I find it so difficult some days to just let it go and leave it to god but that's what needs to happen. I've done the counselling, been to see clergy (even hubby went - still could not see why such a problem) nothing changes. But then cos we are both at logger heads how can anything change, how can one of us feel safe enough to make a move if not talk about it. So muddled up and such a mess now can't begin to unpick now.

But I give the problem too much air time, I feed it with my anger and frustration.

It's not ideal but subject yo controlling my response it's not enough to leave him. But you're right it is the elephant in the room especially the bedroom. Sometimes there's such an air of tension but I'm too scared that if I try anything I will be rejected. He doesn't do anything but then all he's seen is my angry face for most the day. Lose lose situation.

And I would NEVER stray - I want to be able to look my kids in the eye and say I did the best I could and did my best to follow god.

But I want desperately for my kids never to feel the loneliness I feel at times. I pray and hope they find life partners that at the end of each day they here " I love you" and they are held tight in someone's loving arms.

I'm sad in a corner of my heart but I'm going to try and grab any happiness that comes my way like it's going out of fashion. It's not going to be like I'd like it to be but I can't live in that state of mind anymore - angry, resentful.

It feels like a rollarcoaster of sadness then happiness but I'm going work on avoid the big dips into depression / anger - I believe that is what god wants me to work on. My response, my attitude. Can I say I am truly loving towards hubby - can't say I am so can things change. There's a definition of love in the bible sorry I don't know where exactly but I'm going to work on living up to that definition of love then I can look back and say I did my best.

As you said its between him and god to resolve how he sees this problem.

Thanks - I am glad I found this forum. I needed a Christian viewing this. Other people would say just leave him.

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