Thread: Baronness
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Old 20th August 2011, 05:36 AM   #25
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness,

I know you are broken hearted about your marriage today. There is no hell worse than to love a man who has built a wall between and you can't reach him. I understand your pain and hear the anger you feel to be treated as a roomate, less the conversation. It is unforgiveable a man would treat his wife with such neglect.

I told my husband years ago if he wanted another woman he should find one...more power to him. If he wants a woman for sex when overseas, he should just keep his mouth shut and have at it. If he wants a divorce, then pack a bag and get out, as this is my house so he goes, not I. So I was willing to let him have what he wanted. I wasn't going to beg him for charity sex when he shut down on me years ago. The sting of rejection is a poison in the veins. I wanted to know why he chose to live in such an abnormal way, then tell me in the next breath how much he loves me. I learned what I believe is the truth of it pretty much as you have.

One thing I felt was my h. was pretty darned stupid as he was unlikely to find a woman who brought more intelligence or decency into the marriage than I have. There are few women who will go out and hold down two jobs or one who has talent and is committed to bring prosperity to a marriage. He told me always he hit the lottery to find a talented woman like me. I have loved him when he had nothing and few prospects. He always had my respect and love. In a sense, all that loyalty gained me nothing. This isolation of spirit will age a wife, who gives up her life as woman, before her time. While I share my life with the man I love, and he is a model for devoted affection, it is a celebate marriage.

It would be a shame if Baroness spends the next 18 years in a marriage like mine, where sex no longer exists, and affection is a hug and sweet words passing in the hallway. True, I made a gamble on this man who always said he loves me, that he would alter this pattern. He did not. When he is away overseas, he daily sends me loving messages. While he is home he is a dedicated and kind husband. We just don't share a bedroom. We get along great and have an easy relationship. He likes to cook and does nice things for me. There was a time I could have just said..now it's enough. I would have made it just fine financially. I am sure at that time I would have found another man. He devastated the life we shared together.

Baroness should do everything possible to get answers from this man.
Just as he services himself, he shuts her out with no regard for her feelings or needs. Believe me when I say I know what she is going through, because there were times I had to ask God to remove my anger. There were moments when I wished ants would eat out his brain! This m is a pattern that some men share who are especially vulnerable. I read it is a relationship problem when a man withdraws into himself. It is a also lousy addiction from all I read through the years, difficult to treat even with extensive counselling. That husband of hers is happy with himself. My husband went to counselling for while, which altered nothing. There was a better chance for me to fly, than that he would change.

Baroness, I hope you scream, yell and swear at this man and shake him to the core that you won't put up with what is going on there. The money problems you have will all work out, but that pattern going on there will be unlikely to change without a major shakeup. It seems he is pretty set and he realizes you know about it. I bet my bottom dollar that happened in his last marriage or other relationships. This habit doesn't start in middle age, it starts when they grow an organ.

For me, I am fine. I survived. I made the right decision for me. If I were to live this all again from the beginning again, perhaps I am not sure I could live again with that much heartache. I was broken in a thousand pieces for loving him.

I knew he has meant everything to me. I gave my husband a bible at the beginning of our time together, right before we married. I underlined for him MY promise to HIM from that beautiful story of the widow, Ruth 1:16-17.

16 And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:

17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.

I could never stop loving him or ever want to be somewhere else. I have forgiven him everything.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 20th August 2011 at 06:22 AM.