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Old 14th August 2015, 12:05 AM   #1
Mfrisco
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 35
And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Hello,
So I have been married for 20 years, no kids, and it has been a great marriage. Unlike other couples we know who fight or argue all the time, we were never that way. In our 20 years we may have had minor arguments five or six times. I know that seems like balony but it is true. We simply have always gotten along great. We have traveled to many places, taken cruises, the whole nine yards.

My wife had started going to the gym with this other woman from her office and working out 5 days a week. They met about 10 months ago and I was happy for her because she really never had a lot of close friends as she has never been real outgoing. She is a very private person and typically only opens up to people she has met multiple times.

Her woman friend did not have a great marriage and suddenly after her and her husband had a large fight, she asked my wife if she could come and stay at our home until she sorted out her finances and could get an apartment. She just needed time to wrap her head around the fact that her marriage was not working. My wife and I let her move in and we helped her get her things from her house and put them in storage. Shortly after this woman moved in I noticed my wife giving me sort of the cold shoulder. She stopped being intimate with me and any conversation seemed to end quickly with just short yes or no answers. I thought this was odd for my wife who has always been very loving and caring but I figured it was just due to the fact that her new friend of 10 months was going through rough times and she needed to support her...so I just let it go.

After two more weeks went by and my wife started to completely dismiss the fact that I was even in the room I decided to ask her about it. She told me it was nothing, she was stressed about something at work and not to take it personally. I didn't buy it but I did not see any point in pressing further. I left the next day for a 1 week business trip about 4 hours away. During that week every time I tried to call my wife from the hotel at night she was very short with me. Finally I asked her "Honey, what the heck is going on here?". She confessed that we needed to talk, but it would need to wait until I came home as it needed to be face to face.

So once I was back from my trip we sat down and had a talk. She told me how I was still the same person she married 20 years before, I was still a great guy, but she had changed and she saw us going in two different directions. She said this was not a sudden thing, but something she had been thinking about for a long time....like the last 2 years. What??? This shocked me. This did not sound like the woman I knew for 20 years. We were always like "two peas in a pod". She went on to say that she "loved me and still cared for me, but she was not sure what kind of love it was". She wanted a separation. I was floored. Where was all of this suddenly coming from? Did I miss something? I'm good about picking up on things....I noticed right away the sudden "cold shoulder" so how did I miss this whole "we are headed different ways" stuff?

She said that when the other woman moved out into her apartment that she was going to go with her and sleep on her couch until she figured out what she wanted to do. I asked her if there was someone else and she told me a "Definite NO!"....she just needed to leave and get her thoughts straight but could not do that while living in the house.

I told her I would grab my pillow and some sheets and stay in the other spare bedroom. She told me that was ridiculous, I did not need to leave our bed. So for the next couple of weeks we continued to sleep in the same room and she even occasionally would snuggle up to me and put her arm over me at night. I was very confused....she wants to leave me but still snuggles up to me??

During that last two weeks I started to notice how her and the other woman were acting around each other. It was obvious now. They had feelings for each other. My thoughts were confirmed when I saw some text messages between the two of them and without going into detail, it was a full on romantic relationship with all the "I love you" and "I cant wait until we live together" stuff. The messages I saw looked very equal...both of them confessing their new love for each other and all the places they would go and vacation too. I felt torn, ripped apart, sad, and a little abandoned. How could she have done this to me???

They eventually moved out and they are sharing a 1 bedroom apartment together. My wife only texts or talks to me if it is about the bills or house or pets....but any mention to her about us trying to work things out or that I still love her seems to put the conversation on a fast track to ending.

When I did ask her if we are getting a divorce she says "I do not know. Right now I just need time. I'd like a month or two of radio silence so I can just search my feelings and see where my heart takes me." She says that hearing from me every day is just making things worse and if I would just let her have the space she is asking for she could figure out her feelings. I guess I have no choice but to do so even though I feel this "space" just means any remaining love she has for me is going to fade further....especially when she is living with the other woman who she now has feelings for. That bond will only strengthen while our bond recedes further.

So basically this is where I am at...
She seems very happy with this other woman and many of our talks sound like she has no intention of coming back.....yet she has never said she wants a divorce. So far, only separation. What is she waiting for ?

I know my wife has always thought same-sex relationships were sort of "yuck" as she has stated that multiple times over 20 years to me and her family members.
Is it possible she is just "experimenting in her early 40's" and this is just a phase....something she just has to explore or get out of her system?

I know many men would say "Well you are having an affair so we are done, good riddance!" but I have to admit I do not feel that way. I truly love my wife, I always thought we would be together until the end, and we have always had such a great relationship....so happy...did so much together.

I just do not know if this is temporary or permanent. Should I wait or consider moving on?
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